Nightfall
by BlindingFirefly
Summary: What if Edward never returned? What if Bella and Jacob married? What if Jacob imprinted and it wasn't on Bella? Follow to see what happens to Bella. Will her danger magnet life allow her to have any peace with her true love, even if the Volturi arrive? AU
1. Preface

When our two souls stand up erect and strong,

**When our two souls stand up erect and strong,**

**Face to face, silent, drawing nigh and nigher,**

**Until the lengthening wings break into fire**

**At either curved point—what bitter wrong**

**Can the earth do to us, that we should not long**

**Be here contented? Think. In mounting higher,**

**The angels would press on us and aspire**

**To drop some golden orb of perfect song**

**Into our deep, dear silence. Let us stay**

**Rather on earth, Beloved,--where the unfit**

**Contrarious moods of men recoil away**

**And isolate pure spirits, and permit**

**A place to stand and love in for a day,**

**With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.**

**-Elizabeth Barrett Browning**

Preface

I looked down at the blade, the one that would take my life from me in a few seconds' time. The inevitability of this moment was taking my breath away and provided the needed momentum for my actions. My blood would soon be spilled; but for what purpose? For the preservation of love? For my own petty weaknesses? Were those viable reasons to end a life?

I was all too aware of the fact that this was an enemy I couldn't face. I just wasn't strong enough on my own anymore. Maybe I could have survived this blow when I was younger and whole, but I couldn't now. I had been broken into too many pieces. I had shattered long ago, and I innately understood that I was too lost to be saved.

At least I would be dying to give someone else the life that they deserved. She was far more worthy of happiness than I had ever been. What had I ever brought the world other than disgrace, stupidity, and pain? Ever since my birth, I'd been a problem to everyone around me. That dreadful legacy was going to end, here and now.

But where would I go? What would be waiting for me on the other side? Heaven? Hell? Wherever I was, wherever I would end up, it was all part of the journey. My time here on earth was over now. Heaven perhaps would be overbearing in all of its perfection with angels and fluffy clouds, but then I was used to being the drab sparrow in the midst of magnificent hawks and beautiful doves. Perhaps in heaven, this drab little sparrow could find some measure of peace…somehow. That would give heaven points over earth in my book, anyway.

The clouds passed over the sun for a minute, but then it blazed forth again, even more brightly than I'd ever remembered seeing it before. It was amazing in all its glory and ferocity. I shrugged. It made no difference. The sun couldn't warm me ever again. I would never have to face its burning warmth and be reminded of everything I had lost. Grotesque in all its light and fake cheerfulness, I was momentarily blinded. It didn't matter, though.

I looked down to face the darkness.


	2. Storm Rising

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer, more's the pity.

A/N: I hope that you all enjoy this story. Please leave me reviews! They make me so happy. And a happy author is an updating author!

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Leaning back on my elbows into the velvety grass of "our" meadow, I looked around. It was easiest to remember here, to remember _him_. Edward. It had taken at least a year for me to be able to even think his name without causing a devastating pain to rip through my nonexistent heart. Even now, three long, torturous years after he'd left me in order to pursue his fascinating distractions, I still don't feel complete.

Jacob, though…I smiled as his name entered my thoughts. Jacob gives me the strength to keep on breathing. He is the glue of my existence. He'd really been there for me, when I'd stopped acting like a zombie long enough for me to notice that there was, in fact, a world going on around me. He'd told me since then that it had taken me weeks to even look like a human being again. I'm glad that I've been able to give him that much at least—I don't think I look like the walking dead anymore. Or at least, not to the same degree.

I know now that I love Jacob, even though the love I feel for him is nothing like the love I'd felt and continue to feel for Edward. I desperately wish that I could love Jacob more passionately than I do; heaven knows that I've tried. He deserves more from me, especially when you consider his incredible patience with me these past few years. He'd never pushed me farther than he thought I could go, even though he unequivocally expected me to put forth an effort in everything I did.

He's never even asked me to make love with him…I blushed to think on that. Our lack of intimacy still hurt to ponder on sometimes—I knew that I wasn't fulfilling my duties as a wife properly, but I just couldn't make myself take that final step away from Edward yet. Jacob should be canonized as a saint for his patience and self-control. I kissed him, hugged him, loved him, but I just couldn't go further. Still, Jacob seemed to be grateful for even the crumbs of love that I showed him, poor boy.

The perspective gained by these three years has brought me to quite a few startling realizations. I comprehend now the fact that no matter how hard I might have tried to get well on my own, without Jacob's help I'd be sitting in a padded room mumbling to myself. I winced, remembering the days that I'd been literally catatonic. The following months hadn't been a big improvement, either, for all the effort I'd put into living. It would have been far more merciful for Edward to simply have killed me rather than leave me here alone, but I'd had to keep on living despite his mistake. I hadn't wanted to survive at all, but Jacob wouldn't let me leave him. He refused to let me give up and he wouldn't give up on me, either.

He'd caught me, once, about to jump off a cliff on La Push's beach. My thin explanation of boredom and cliff diving didn't fool him for a minute. Jacob dragged me roughly off into the woods and when we were there alone, he proceeded to tell me in no uncertain terms exactly how stupid I was being. Jacob said that I was missing out on the best things that life had to offer me. He told me that I wasn't dead yet, but I might as well be for all the joy I took in all the blessings I still had left to me. I needed to wake up, to open my eyes and realize that maybe the world wasn't done with me yet. Perhaps I still had things to live for, whether I realized it or not. There were goals to be attained, places to see, people to meet, and I was missing out on it all entirely.

Then he'd kissed me, hard and fervently, proving his point very effectively. I'd missed his love for me, somehow, in the all of the emotional static of my life.

It had hurt to hear his words then, but I finally decided that he was right on all counts. His calling me an idiotic, stubborn, moronic airhead aside, Jacob wanted what was best for me and took good care of me.

I also knew that, whether he loved me or not, Edward would want me to keep on living for the people that loved me. That's the reason why he'd left me in the first place, other than the fact that I wasn't good for him anymore. I snorted. As if I could be presumptuous enough to think that I'd _ever_ been good for him.

It had been a long time since I'd heard Edward's voice—in fact, I hadn't heard it since the day before my wedding a year ago. Just as I was practicing walking down the aisle towards Jacob's waiting hand, I'd heard Edward's voice in my head, his normal velvet tones rough with some unknown emotion. He only said one word, but that word had been enough to make me feel free to take this step, whether it was really what I wanted or not.

He'd said good-bye.

It had been a good year with Jacob, the happiest period I could remember since my eighteenth birthday. I was twenty-one now, going to a local college to get my degree in British literature while Jacob worked for a construction company. His huge bulk had really been a bonus in his work, and he liked working with his hands. I'd found that I loved his swift ability to heal when he talked of accidentally smashing his thumb with a hammer, despite his unusually heightened dexterity.

Jacob also had a good side job of doing intricate wood carvings, the kind Billy had taught him to do as a child. Recently a US senator, while touring Washington's Native American reservations, had been impressed by Jacob's work that was being sold in the gift shops. The senator had ordered a special carving of an eagle for his office at the nation's capital. The beautiful result had brought Jacob a lot of local recognition, and a fair amount of money, too. We hoped that this talent of Jacob's would one day bring him enough funds to retire from his construction work completely and allow him to concentrate on his carpentry. I was very proud of him, and encouraged him in this dream as much as possible. It was certainly no more than what he had done for me time and time again.

Jacob and I lived with Billy now, since Billy needed a good deal of care in his declining years. It was wonderful to have my own house, and I had enjoyed decorating it to suit my own tastes. I also incorporated a lot of Jacob and Billy's traditional Quileute heritage, which they seemed to appreciate. It gave me a feeling of belonging to this new family and community, whether I actually did or not.

With the absence of the vampires, the pack had dwindled a little from the sheer lack of emergencies. That made me grateful, of course: the lack of emergencies seemed to directly coincide with the lack of threats on my life.

To no one's surprise, Sam had stopped phasing so that he could be with Emily and their beautiful little girl, Mary full time. However, to _everyone's_ surprise, Leah and Paul had imprinted on each other. Their love was beautiful to see, and it certainly bought great relief to Sam and Emily's consciences. Both Leah and Paul had deserved a little happiness and peace in their lives, and we were all glad that Leah had stopped causing problems with everyone else in the pack. Paul struggled with it, but he had finally made the decision to control his phasing along with Leah, so that they could have a normal existence and life-span together.

Only a few of the old pack remained, with Jacob now in charge while Sam retained his place as unofficial chief of the tribe. The pack had had a few new young people join them, but the phasing rate did appear to be slowing a good deal. The council discussed this phenomenon sometimes, and I knew that they were grateful that fewer and fewer of their young people were being subjected to the trial of lycanthropy.

Jacob had promised me that if we ever started a family, he, too, would step aside as head of the pack. I knew he would have a while before that time came for him. The idea of children was appealing to the both of us, but I knew that I wasn't ready yet. We were both still very young, but there were other reasons for my hesitation. How could I open my heart to children, when I still had trouble breathing sometimes? I never let Jacob see my pain when I could help it, but I think he knew that I wasn't healed as much as he'd like me to be. I'd never been able to lie effectively, especially not with Jake. Whenever he caught me in a weak moment, he'd just hold me close. It was all I needed to keep going.

I still come to this meadow though, sometimes, when I need a respite from my pain. It always feels as if Edward is close to me here, as if he still cares about me and what is going on in my life. Sometimes I even catch myself talking aloud, as if Edward were sitting right next to me, holding me close as he used to do when I thought we were so happy and in love. I try not to encourage this habit. Having conversations with thin air was not a good indication of my sanity, not that I was too sure of it to begin with. I hoped a shrink never caught on to the fact that I'd heard voices and, even worse, that I'd _enjoyed_ it…and, cough, encouraged it.

Jacob has given up on asking me where I go when I tell him I'm hiking. I'm no more graceful than I was as a teenager, and hiking still retains its trials to my life and limb. Jacob probably realizes, though, that he really doesn't want to know where I go, especially if I'm going to the trouble of hiding my intentions from him. I can still see his eyes darken if some mention of what Edward did to me is brought up, or when he catches me sitting with my legs folded up against my chest.

I looked up at the sky, and saw that the sun was falling down in the west. I had to get back to La Push and make Billy and Jacob's dinners. More likely than not, Charlie would be coming by the house to get fed, too. He'd never gotten used to cooking for himself again after I'd moved out to get married. I was always glad to see him, though. In such an emotionally charged atmosphere with the werewolves, he brought a comforting feeling of stability and….blandness.

Sometimes I wonder at my life—here I am at twenty-one, making meals for a bunch of men and trying to find some sort of meaning in the universe. Wasn't this supposed to be the time in my life when I found out who I truly was, instead of just breathing in and out and making it through one day at a time? Would my life ever hold some kind of a higher purpose, or would it always merely be a fight to keep on living, an eternal search for some sort of peace?

I didn't want to try to figure that all out now. I shivered at a cold wind that had come up from the east, making goose bumps rise along my bare arms and legs. Storm clouds were billowing ominously in the sky—it was time to get home before it hit.

Instead of allowing my thoughts to continue in that vein, I stood up and did the same thing I'd done ever since my wedding day. I'd turn to the meadow and wave to the trees and flowers and the empty air, saying as I waved, "Good-bye, Edward. I still love you." Then I'd spin around and leave as fast as I could, knowing that the minute I left this place of serenity, the pain would catch me again like a sonic wave. I never could run fast enough to escape it, even though I never stopped trying. I couldn't run very far, anyway, before the hole in my chest made it impossible for me to breathe.

Would I ever heal? That was another question I didn't want to figure out the answer to.


	3. Lightning Strike

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.

A/N: This chapter was fun to write, if a little daunting. I hope that you all enjoy it! Read and review, or I'm sending the Volturi to your house for munchies! Muahahahahaha!

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I found a note from Billy on the kitchen table when I got back home from my hike, saying that Charlie had picked Billy up to go fishing in a new spot Charlie had found. Billy wouldn't be home until the small hours of the morning, if even then. Every once in a while, he and Charlie would crash at Charlie's house in Forks when they got back from their fishing expeditions. Sometimes it was closer than La Push, and they weren't exactly young anymore.

Or it could be that they were trying, in their own inept ways, to give Jacob and me some nights to ourselves. I didn't bother informing them that we never did anything to be embarrassed about in the first place. Billy wasn't exactly the sort of man that one said things like that to, and Charlie would have died from the humiliation of being informed on his daughter's sex life, or the lack thereof.

I smiled, though, at the news of Billy's absence; I was glad that I would get to have Jacob to myself for a change, even if nothing "special" would be happening. In-between my school hours, his work schedule, the pack duties and taking care of Billy, we weren't able to be together nearly as much as we'd like. Come to think of it, maybe even tonight, I'd be ready to…_better not think of that, Bella,_ I told myself._ If it's going to happen, let it happen normally without you planning on it._

The refrigerator, thankfully, held all the ingredients necessary for spaghetti, one of Jake's favorite meals. I soon had the sauce bubbling on the stovetop and I added a few extra chunks of green peppers, onions, and spices to the boiling mixture. Jake complained if the sauce was too mild. He liked his food to be hot, tasty, and plentiful. He was definitely easy to please, lucky me. I was all too aware of my deficiencies as a wife, and I tried to make it up as much as I could in other ways. And I could sure cook, so I went out of my way in that area to make him happy.

As I buttered thick slices of bread and sprinkled garlic and onion powder on them before slipping the pan into the oven to broil for a few minutes, I wondered if the pack had any new gossip to share today. Leah was expecting her first child, and she was due any day, practically any minute, now. As always, I murmured a sincere petition to whoever was listening that this child of two werewolves would not be subjected to the same trial as his or her parents. None of us wanted that burden for the future generation to bear. Three more boys and one girl had all begun phasing since Edward had left me three years ago. Nobody could explain why even those four had phased since the vampires were long gone now. I often wondered if it was the Cullens' lingering affect on Forks…or if it was me. That certainly wouldn't surprise me if it were true. Most things seemed to be my fault in the end, after all. I didn't mind taking blame for one more thing if it helped everyone else sleep better at night.

The phone rang loudly in the middle of these thoughts, and I answered it eagerly. I hadn't talked to anyone today and anyone's voice from the outside world—meaning outside my own mind—would be welcome.

It was Emily, to my intense delight. "How are you doing today, wolf-girl?" she asked cheerily. "I haven't talked to you in a while, seems like."

"I'm doing pretty well, Emily." I balanced the phone between my ear and shoulder so that I could talk and stir to keep the sauce from scalding at the same time. "I'm a little tired, to be honest. Jacob keeps me busy trying to maintain his clothes in some semblance of order. I swear to you, he shreds more shirts…" I shook my head, forgetting that the phone was there. It fell to the floor with a loud crash and I quickly retrieved it, nearly dropping it again in my embarrassment. Emily was laughing gently on the other end when I got back to her.

After I'd apologized, I continued. "Those ripped shirts are more than I can deal with sometimes, Em, but he always looks so darn _pitiful_ when he thinks I'm going to yell at him for it…"

Emily laughed, her voice sympathetic. "Tell me about it. That's one thing I _do not_ miss about Sam's phasing. It's hard enough trying to keep Mary presentable without Sam adding to the laundry and sewing chores. I have to admit that he's always been good about trying to help me around the house after he gets home from his job, but sometimes his trying to help just makes more work for me in the end, bless his heart."

We chatted for a few more minutes before Emily discovered the fact that Mary was playing in the toilet. Emily had to beat a hasty retreat in order to wash her daughter and clean up the water that Mary had splashed all over the bathroom in her exuberance. I hung up, laughing. Emily was like a breath of fresh air in my life. Her serenity, even over the phone, always seemed to linger long after she was gone, calming my thoughts.

I stirred the pasta some more as I contemplated whether to make some chocolate pudding or not for desert. Jacob definitely had a sweet tooth sometimes when he came in from these long patrols.

The saucy spatula went clattering to the floor, flinging tomato paste everywhere, when a howl seemed to sound right in my ears. I gasped and clapped my hands over my ears, even as my pulse roared in my ears. I knew that howl—it was unmistakably Jacob's. I tried to figure out what had frightened me so much about his baying, which I should be used to by now. And then I realized: that howl had sounded tortured. Desperate. Something had happened, and it was something bad. I was certain of it. Had another vampire come into the neighborhood? He and the pack had destroyed Victoria after she'd led them on a merry chase for a few months, but did she have other friends still lurking out there? I shuddered violently at the mere thought. I wasn't sure I could handle any more of those kinds of scares.

Then I felt strong, hot hands gripping my upper arms as Jacob lifted me bodily from my panicked crouch on the kitchen floor.

"Jake!" I gasped into his shoulder as he pulled me close to his own rapidly pounding heart. "You scared me to death, you jerk! You know better than to do that so close to the house." I laughed, relaxing a little into his comforting embrace. "What's wrong? Smell that spaghetti and couldn't wait to get you some, huh?"

An eerie silence met my innocent prattling. I tried to pull away enough to look at his face, but he held me too close for me to move. "Jake?" I whispered, nervous all over again. From this proximity, I thought I heard the faintest whine come from his chest, obviously against his will.

"Jake, you're scaring me. What's going on?" I tried to make my voice stern, but even I could hear the note of hysteria beginning to rise in it.

"Chill out, Bells," Jacob finally said, his voice fairly steady, belying his stiff stance. "I was just glad to see you, that's all.. It's been a long day without you. I'm sorry that I scared you—it won't happen again. And yes, that spaghetti smelled amazing. Got any cookies or something to with it? Some sugar always seems to help at the end of the day. I'm beat."

I kept trying to pull away so that I could look at him properly, but he wouldn't let me go. "Yeah, right, Jake. Cookies are what your mind is really on at this moment. That's exactly why you won't let me look at you. Tell me the truth. What's going on?" I exhaled, and then asked the questions to which I dreaded the answers. "Are there more vampires out there or something? Did someone get hurt? Whatever it is, you know you can tell me."

"Bella….I didn't want to do this." Jacob's voice caught on the words. He sounded terribly young somehow. I started to reply, but stop when I felt him take in air, as if he were about to speak again. I was wrong.

He sighed heavily instead, dropping his nose into my hair and breathing in the scent deeply. I suddenly realized what that gesture reminded me of so powerfully—it was just like the time Edward had kissed me when I'd left Forks to run from James, the tracker that had wanted to kill me. It was as if Edward thought he'd never have the chance to kiss me again, and he wanted to make the most of it, to impress the memory of me all the more firmly in his mind. Jake had always commented on how wonderful my hair smelled to him. His intensity at sniffing me now only added to my panic. He said he'd done something, something he'd never wanted to do…

"Do what?" I cried, pounding on his chest with my fists. He easily captured my wrists in one of his massive hands and held them against my body, immobilizing my punching ability. That didn't impede my voice's power, though.

"Jacob, look at me!"

Using all of my pitiful strength, I pushed myself away from him. He reluctantly let me go, and I nearly fainted at the mere sight of his expression. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, but his expression could have been made of granite. Pain was in every line of his face, pain such as I hadn't seen him wear in years. Dear God, what was going on here?

"Bella," he finally said, gripping my elbows to keep me steady when my knees suddenly gave out for a minute from the fear. "I broke my promise to you again. I'm so sorry. I didn't plan on this, I didn't look for it. I swear! You have to believe me."

"Jacob, you're being stupid," I said faintly. "Just tell me, dammit! How have you hurt me? I don't believe that you would…or _could_." Jacob had never intentionally hurt me…I held on to that fact like it was a raft in the middle of a storm-tossed ocean…he'd promised me that a very long time ago. "Besides, what could anything you have done be so bad that a lifetime of servitude couldn't fix it?" My attempt at humor fell flat, and we both winced at the very obviousness of it.

"If only a lifetime of servitude would fix it. I'd serve it gladly, Bella," he said, his voice vibrating with the strength of his wistfulness. Jacob's gravity intimidated me from using further protests and I waited silently for him to continue. I had the strangest feeling that I was waiting for my doom. But that was too silly, even for me, wasn't it?

Jake took a deep breath. "It happened today, Bells. I don't even know how to tell you. I wasn't going to tell you at all, but you know me too damn well for me to hide anything."

I put a hand on his face, and he held there as if it were the only thing keeping him on the ground. He breathed raggedly.

"I…I imprinted. And…oh, God, Bella! It wasn't on you! It wasn't on you!" Anguished sobs ripped through his entire body as he gathered me close to his heart again, not wanting to see my face when his news registered in my mind.

That was all it took. All of the strength that Jacob had given me these past few years, all of the warmth, left my chest. I collapsed into a frigid darkness, and I didn't ever want to leave it.


	4. Clouds

Disclaimer: Don't own it, stop asking

Disclaimer: Don't own it, stop asking.

A/N: I'm getting lots of hits, but only one review so far. Really, children, is it too much to ask for a little note? In any case, I hope that you're all enjoying this story. It keeps picking up from here! I'm working on later chapters now. Quick poll—do any of you mind lemons?? Tell me, please! Many thanks!

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Grit seemed to collect around my eyelids, keeping me from opening them enough to see what was going on around me. Pain ripped through my entire body, encasing me in a throbbing agony. Something was wrong, even more wrong than usual. My entire life had been wrong for three years; what made now so special?

Voices reached my ears, and I struggled to make sense of the words. It was if the voices were speaking a language I didn't know, or had learned a very long time ago and had since forgotten. I had the feeling that I should know the owners of these voices, but even that seemed fuzzy. I'd never had this much trouble with Edward's voice. It was always there with a sparkling clarity that could not be ignored.

I worked to get out of this painful haze, but I wasn't having much luck at the moment. The voices…

"Sam, you've got to help me. There has to be a way out of this mess! Surely there's some legend, some myth…something! Anything! I won't accept that this is the end. I just can't! It isn't me I'm worried about, Sam, it's her…"

"Jacob, I've told you over and over again. _There's nothing we can do_. Do you think I wanted to do what I did to Leah? Thank God she's happy now, but there was truly nothing I could do about it at the time. I know that you love Bella, and if there was a way to change this, I'd gladly tell you, no matter what the price of the information was," replied a calm, deep voice. "But there just isn't a solution. I'm so sorry. But Bella's strong, Jacob…she's survived before. She will now, too."

Jacob's broken moans reached my ears, and I wanted to reach out and comfort him. Too bad my body was made of stone. Jacob shouldn't be hurting like this. It was wrong. Jacob was the sun…I never wanted him to be blinded by clouds…

"Sam, I've never hated this fate more than I do right at this moment," his voice said. "What kind of a monster am I? I'd just gotten Bella to the place where she was opening her heart to me. She was finally healing from what that filthy bloodsucker did to her. We were so close to…anyway. I'd hoped that we could start a family soon, that we could really begin our new lives together, like you did with Emily."

Jacob obviously didn't like where this line of thought took him—he suddenly sounded dangerous. "And then I turn around and do the same damn thing that the leech did to her!" His voice got muffled then, broken. "I could kill myself for hurting her, Sam, I really could. This is going to kill her, and her blood will be on my hands. You think she's strong—but she's not, not at all. I've always had to be her strength, and you know that I've loved it. I've loved her ever since the moment I first saw her on the beach, and nothing was ever too hard for her. I don't think I can be strong for her now, though. I want to die."

"And what good what that do for anyone, other than leaving her completely alone in the world? That would work really well, I think," Sam replied with a hint of sarcasm for the first time. "Jacob, as I see it, you only have a few options. The first is that you can try to live without Dani and stay with Bella. The second is that you develop a friendship with Dani and try to be faithful to Bella at the same time. Thirdly, you can leave Bella for Dani. The last choice is that you talk to Bella and see what she wants you to do. There are no other options here. Believe me; I've been down this road. This is all that you have to work with…I wish beyond words convey that I could tell you otherwise, but that wouldn't be the truth. I swore that I'd never lie to you after you joined the pack, and I won't start now."

Jacob snorted. "Let's work through that list, shall we, Sam? What was that first one? Oh, yeah. It was that I learn to live without Dani. Wasn't that it?" he cried out. "Sam, she's my _only_ reason for living!"

Another knife went through me at his words, even though I didn't completely understand why it hurt so much. What was going on here?

Jacob was truly shouting now. "I can't forget her. My every other thought is of Dani. You know what it's like! A mere friendship with her would be…agonizing. But how would that be fair to Bella, to be friends with a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with, every moment, every second? I still love Bella, Sam, despite all this. My heart…it's torn in two."

"I know you love Bella, Jacob. Truly, I know that you do—you wouldn't be so ripped up now at the thought of finding your perfect soul mate if you didn't still love your wife. I think you're just going to have to talk with her, Jake. You'll have to see what she's willing to do now. It _is_ her life we're talking about here. Besides, she knew exactly what she'd signed up for when she married you. She knew the risks; it's not like you tricked her into anything. This was always a possibility for you. She had seen what happened with Leah and Emily, and Quil with Claire, and Jared and Kim. She could have turned back any time she wanted."

"Ha! If Bella had turned back, I would have found her floating at the bottom of a cliff one day. Why do you think I still have some of the pack patrol that area? I never wanted to even give her the chance of taking her own life again. She was devastated when the leech left, but I gave her a reason to live. And now I've gone and taken that reason away from her."

Memory started to come back to me, and I finally remembered why I'd fainted. I didn't want to open my eyes yet, though. I just couldn't face what would come after if I did. Still, that didn't keep me from agreeing with Sam's words. He was right, more's the pity. I had known what I was getting myself into when I'd agreed to marry Jacob two years ago. I'd watched his transformation personally, and was intimately aware of the complications surrounding lycanthropy. There was truly no one but myself to blame in this mess.

Jacob's voice was quieter now. "She's been unconscious for two hours, Sam. What if she doesn't wake up? What if I just pushed her over the edge? I'll never forgive myself, never, if I've killed her with my cruelty."

Whatever pain I was feeling, I wasn't having that. To hear Jacob sound so defeated was more than I could bear. I felt my eyelids flutter open as I gained the will to face whatever was waiting for me.

I gasped at the brightness of the light suddenly shining in my eyes, and immediately Jacob's face was leaning over mine at the sound. "Bella! Sweetie, are you ok? Can you understand what I'm saying?" His hands gripped the material of the couch above my head, shaking the entire thing in his intensity and worry.

I moaned a little as the movement nauseated me, but managed to reply. "I'm not insane, Jacob, nor am I deaf. Please stop yelling in my ear, would you? It kind of hurts my head."

He backed off with a look of chagrin, directed entirely at himself. "Sorry, honey, you just scared me there. You've been out for quite a while now. I was about to take you to the hospital." Jacob looked at me askance as he admitted this—he knew how I felt about hospitals. He was under strict orders to never take me to one unless it was a life or death situation.

With a sigh that seemed to vibrate through my very toes, I slowly sat up, rubbing my head to ease the pounding. I didn't think I'd hit anything in my collapse, but I had a massive headache. I usually did after a fainting spell.

I glanced up and saw that Sam was standing in the doorway, his muscular arms crossed sternly over his chest. He could have been a statue of an Indian, he was so still. For a minute I had a disconcerting flashback to the night he'd brought me in from the forest when Edward had left me. I struggled to contain the misery that coursed through my whole being, shuddering from a sudden cold that iced over my veins. It was happening again, wasn't it?

I looked up into Sam's black eyes, and I saw the same memory shining there, too. We both knew exactly what this was, and we both knew that we couldn't stop it from happening again. The end of this was truly inevitable, and we both knew it with a strange tightening in our hearts. Well, in Sam's heart, anyway. I just felt sick.

It took all of my strength, but I finally managed to look over at Jacob. He was sitting beside me now on the couch, looking as if he were waiting to be hit. "I remember now what you were telling me…before. I guess…I guess you need to tell me everything. Who is she, Jake?" I asked calmly as I leaned against the couch's arm to face him. It was easier than I thought it would be, remembering how to numb myself to everything. "Tell me what happened. We made a promise to always be honest with each other, remember?" We'd made that promise the night I'd accepted Jacob's marriage proposal.

He leaned down and put his head in his hands. "I've never wanted to lie to you so badly before now, Bells. Maybe it's a good thing that I can't break this promise. At least I'll be able to keep _this_ one to you."

I stroked my hand through his long hair and he shuddered at my touch. I wondered if he already hated me, as I knew he would soon enough, or if his reaction was just from guilt. I soon had my answer. "Don't, Bella," he moaned. "Don't be nice to me. I don't deserve it from anyone, and most definitely not from you. I don't deserve anything."

"Of course you do, you silly puppy," I said teasingly, glad he couldn't see my face and tell how very far I was from being truthful in my emotions and my reaction. "You can't help being a freak of genetic nature. I was serious; I want to know what we're dealing with here. That's what marriage is, isn't it? Figuring things out together even when it's hard? I need to know what's going on, please. So talk and I'll listen like a good little girl."

Jacob exhaled heavily before saying in a quiet monotone, "Her name is Dani Palemoon. She's nineteen. She just moved to La Push from a Sioux reservation to live with Jared and Kim. Dani and Kim are third cousins, I think, and all the family she has left in the world. Her parents died a month ago in a fire and she doesn't have any siblings or grandparents still living. She's all alone here." He winced. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that much—you probably didn't want to know the gory details."

"You say what you want to or need to, Jake," I said carefully as I tried to conceal my reactions. I was intensely aware of Sam's keen eyes observing my every movement. "I feel sorry for her, to have had so much death and sadness in her lifetime. Dani is lucky to have you, if she's alone. You're a good one to have around. You're very handy with tools, not to mention the fact that you cut down on the heating bills considerably." This was the truth—I did feel sorry for her, if not as sorry as I would have during normal circumstances.

We were quiet for unspeakably long minutes, during which time Sam surreptitiously left the room to wait outside. I guess he realized that I wasn't going to start throwing a fit or try to kill Jacob or something stupid like that. Even with my dull senses, I could feel him still sitting there in the darkness, waiting to do what he could to help his friend. Sam had been all alone when he'd gone through this mess with Leah and Emily—I knew instinctively that he was determined that Jake wouldn't be alone now. I blessed him silently for that. I didn't want Jacob to be alone, either. Too bad I was alone, though. Them's the breaks, I guess.

I continued to rub my hand along Jacob's warm, muscled arm. "Jake…what are we going to do? What are we going to have to change? That's the real question, isn't it?" My voice came out in a whisper.

Before I could even finish my statement, Jake jumped as if I'd burned him. "What do you mean?" he retorted, as insulted as if I'd suggested that he go snuggle with a cat for a while. "This…this thing doesn't have to change anything, Bella. I can just be friends with Dani, I'm sure of it. Neither of us has to sacrifice anything. You should know that I'd never ask you to do that for me. Don't I always take care of you?"

I looked stoically at him. "Yes, you do. But be realistic, Jake. You're just going to be friends with a woman that you love with every fiber of your being? Being mere friends worked out really well with Sam and Emily, I notice. I'm sure Quil would agree with that little statement, too, considering the fact that he sits outside of Claire's _preschool _every day waiting for the smallest glimpse of her through the windows before making sure that she gets home all right." I snorted expressively. "Don't try to protect me now, Jacob. We need to figure this out, and that means you have to attempt to be somewhat logical. We don't need to waste time on stupidity."

I stood up slowly at that, my bones creaking loudly from having been in the same position for far too long. I was already grimly aware of what had to be done now, and the fact that I would have to be the one to do it because Jacob wouldn't. I felt my face become totally blank as I paced back and forth before turning to face my husband again. "I suppose the best thing for all involved would be for me to leave."

My chest ached as the black hole there widened at my words, but I pushed my feelings down deep inside my being. I couldn't fall apart now. I had to keep Jacob from being unhappy. That was paramount and came before my own feelings.

"_No!_" Jacob roared angrily, causing me to wince at his volume. "Bella, despite what you may think of me right now, I still love you. I'm not going to toss you out into the cold because of one of the challenges involved in me being a monster. I swore that I'd never do that to you! I wasn't going to be like—"

He broke off nervously, glancing at me to see how I would react to this reminder of Edward. His quick black eyes didn't miss my hand's movement to my chest before I forced it back down again to its proper position. "I was determined to never treat you that way," he finished lamely, for all that we were both aware of what he had intended to say. "You deserve better than that."

I swayed a little on my feet from the emotional and physical exhaustion, but held steady by sheer pigheadedness. "Please, Jacob, don't bring up that tired old argument again. I can't handle it right now. I want to talk about us, not about the past. I know you still love me. Love isn't the issue now."

"How is love not the issue?" Jacob asked as he blew hard through his nose, causing his nostrils to flare alarmingly. "This is _all_ about whether I love you and how much I love you. I love you enough to go through a little personal pain to keep this marriage going, and that's what's going to happen. End of discussion."

"Love doesn't always dictate happy endings, Jake," I said. "Love isn't going to be enough for us anymore. The course of true love never did run true, right? The issue right now is what's best for all of us, including…including Dani. Despite your best intentions to the contrary, she now has one very ardent worshipper in her train. We have to consider her and her feelings, too, along with our own. She's a wolf-girl, whether she ever realizes that or not."

"Stop it, Bella. Stop shutting yourself down. I can see you doing it, you know." Jacob's voice came out as a growl that would have frightened me normally. If I'd still had feelings. "I don't know what to do right now, but I _do _know that come hell or high water, I'm still going to be here for you. I promised you before God Himself that I'd be there for better or for worse. This is just the worse part. We'll get through this."

I smiled. "Somehow, Jake, I don't think the guys that wrote those marriage vows had imprinting in mind when they came up with that particular clause. Like it or not, those vows are broken now. You can't honestly say that you'll forsake all others for me, can't you?"

I saw the protests rising on his lips, and I put my fingers there to quiet him. "Let me finish, please. I don't blame you, Jake, I truly don't. But can you honestly tell me that you'll be able to leave Dani completely alone? Honestly? In your thoughts as well _as well_ as in body?"

I watched his face carefully as I removed my fingers from his lips. His dark eyes became defeated as he acknowledged the fact that I was right. "It's true," he muttered flatly. "I can't leave her. But I don't want to leave you, either."

"We don't always get what we want," I whispered, rubbing my hand along his jaw. "My life is proof of that little saying. Jake, I love you. I know that you love me. But now…" I started to sob, but grabbed control once again before it completely slipped away from me. I didn't know how much longer I could keep this façade of calmness up, but I had to keep trying.

"This isn't some Beatles song where love is all you need, Jake. You and I, we both need commitment and unity. Constancy. And now you need Dani, much more than you ever needed me. I can't give you what she can. I know that I've always been the weakest link in this relationship, and I've always been sorry that I couldn't give you everything I've truly wanted to. You took me even when I was broken, and you've never seemed to mind, and I bless you for your compassion. But Dani doesn't have the problems that I did, and still continue to have. She could give you her whole heart, not just the leftovers from what someone else took. I can't give you that, no matter how much I want to. "

I moved away from Jacob to sit back down on the couch in order to give us both some space. I peered up at him as he towered over me, realizing that he was being too thickheaded to reason with at the moment. "We're not going to solve anything tonight," I told him frankly. "We're both too emotional to think rationally." He crossed his arms, trying to hide the shivers that were moving up body from me. If he was trying to prove that he wasn't too emotional to talk, he was failing miserably.

I thought hard, trying to think of a way to give him a viable excuse for leaving for a few hours. Thankfully, for once my brain provided me with an excellent suggestion to offer him. "Go run for a while, Jacob. You need to clear your head. We can talk some more when you get back. Maybe then we'll have a better picture of what the right thing to be done is."

Jacob looked hard at me, examining my features to judge my honesty. I smoothed my face as meticulously as I could. I wanted him to feel free to leave without making him feel even guiltier.

"Bella, you've got to believe me when I say that I never wanted to do this,"  
he said desperately again. "I promised myself that I wouldn't."

"I know it, you overgrown Labrador. You've said so, like, four times. You sound like a broken record." I tried to smile, but failed. I hurried on to speak in order to cover it up. "We'll work it out, somehow. I promise. Now shoo…I need some time to think, too, you know." I wanted desperately for Jacob to leave, so that I could break down in some much-needed silence and privacy.

He turned to the door slowly. "Maybe that would be a good idea, for me to leave just for tonight. Give us both some time to clear our heads. We can be rational about this. We can…"

I wished that his voice had been a little more certain.

"Sure, sure," I replied easily. "Sam's waiting on you. Go talk with him; he'll be happy to help. He always was good to you, and he'll try to lend a hand now…at least as much as he can. I don't think even Sam is all-powerful." I smiled ruefully. "Heaven knows we all wish he were."

Jacob folded me into his arms almost roughly. "Thank you, Bells, for your understanding. I didn't expect it. I'm sorry, honey."

I kissed his arm as it squeezed me reassuringly. "I know you are. So am I. But neither of us is to blame in this."

I didn't say that it was truly my fault for getting wrapped up in mythical creatures in the first place. He wouldn't want to hear that, and then he'd never leave. He'd be convinced that I'd slip into a depression and all the rest of that blather. I pulled away from his embrace and pushed him toward the door. He turned and walked out, his steps a little unsteady. I hoped that Sam could help him. I watched his back getting smaller for a minute before shutting the door, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see him once he changed forms. Wolf emotions were easier to handle than human ones, after all. Lucky Jacob, to have that escape.

As for me…well, the next few hours were horrible. I lay on the hard wooden floor of the living room and sobbed with such violence that I thought I would explode from my pain's sheer force. My personal sun was gone, hidden behind the clouds above me that Dani had cast so unwittingly…and effectively. Abandonment—it was becoming a horribly familiar sensation.

Who was this girl, anyway, to have so quickly and so easily ensnared my Jacob's heart and soul? She was closer to his age than I was, granted…she was even the same race as he. She would belong better here than I did, certainly. That was no surprise to me. I'd never belonged anywhere, not even in Edward's arms where I'd been the happiest. That was why he'd left me, ultimately. He'd known, just as I had known, that we didn't truly belong together.

What was left for me in this world, then? How much pain could one human being take? I'd loved twice now, deeply, and somehow I'd lost both loves. "Danger magnet" didn't seem to be cutting it anymore. I'd have to come up with a more descriptive title. I found myself yearning for Edward's old easy ability with words—he'd come up with something magnificently appropriate for me without a moment's difficulty. I'd welcome even his smirking disdain if it meant seeing his face again. He could insult me all he wanted as long as he held me close and spoke to me for real. I drew away from those thoughts—they were dangerous.

As dawn appeared on the horizon, though, some of my numbness returned. It allowed me the blessed clarity that I desperately needed so that I could think logically, as I'd urged Jacob to do. All told, I had been lucky, really. I'd been loved by two of the most perfect people on the planet. How many women could say that they'd been truly loved even once in their lives? I'd been loved twice—me, who had neither beauty nor wealth nor talent to recommend me to others. I shouldn't be complaining, even now that all hope of love or happiness was truly gone for me.

I even felt a little happy for the faceless Dani. No family, no home…now she had someone who would love her for all time. She'd be happy with my Jacob. I winced as that thought came through. He wasn't _my_ Jacob. Now, through no fault of my own or even his, he was Dani's Jacob. I didn't have anyone. Not even Charlie truly belonged to me. An interloper, that's what I was. Where could I go where I wouldn't be trespassing? Was there truly no place on this planet where I could belong?

I turned to the window, the dawn's warm rays coming through the glass not being enough to thaw my frozen skin. It was winter for me now, for all eternity.


	5. What I Thought I'd Never Do

Disclaimer: I do not own "Twilight" or any of its characters

Disclaimer: I do not own "Twilight" or any of its characters. I just get to play with them. If I owned them, a vampire would be holding me close at night…

A/N: Many thanks for all the lovely reviews! Please, keep it up! You might want to buckle your seat belts and put your tray tables in their upright and locked positions now. At least, I hope you guys will like this…..

Blessings!

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Dani was a truly lovely girl—I could easily see why her Jacob had fallen for her, if "fallen" was the right term for imprinting. She certainly had a physical appeal that I could never hope to attain. Ebony hair fell in glossy waves toward her waist, and her fingers were elegant and graceful as she efficiently wove beads and leather into intricate necklaces and bracelets. A colorfully beaded scarf encircled Dani's slender waist, while the rest of her clothing was as sable as her hair. The shade was probably intended to serve as a visible reminder of her recent losses.

I stood as still as I could, watching her from my hiding place just outside of La Push's grocery store. She had a little wooden stand there, where she sold her handmade jewelry for a pittance of extra cash. She was saving for enough money to go to school, according to local gossip mill.

Jewelry and carpentry—they went well together, I supposed. I'd certainly never been very clever with my fingers, so I could very easily admire those people who were talented in that line.

I'd come to spy on Dani without shame. My conscience just wouldn't let me rest until I'd added this final puzzle piece to the rest of the information in my mind. Now, everything felt complete and settled.

If I hadn't envied her so much, I think that I could have been friends with her. She was distinguishable from the crowd for far more than just her simple beauty. Every customer that she spoke to was treated with courtesy and a friendly interest. She greeted people by name and asked about their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their families. I even spotted a well-worn copy of _Bleak House_ by Charles Dickens sitting by her chair for the odd moment when she would be able to take a break. I adored that book; I never tired of reading about the unconditional love that Allan felt for Esther despite the loss of Esther's beauty. Jacob's love for Dani would now be a parallel to the book. He would love her no matter what changes time brought to her. He would always, inexplicably, belong to her, and she would belong to him. They would fit together as if they were the same person in two bodies, as if they were the same soul.

Dani was certainly more graceful in her movements than I was in mine, which I noted to my chagrin. Jacob would surely appreciate that quality trait in her. He seemed to find my inability to walk up the stairs or across the yard without falling to be slightly pathetic now, rather than lovable as he had when he'd loved me. That stung.

He'd changed a lot in these past few weeks, despite his vehement denials to the contrary. After he'd come back from his run with Sam, we'd decided that we wouldn't do anything about the situation as of yet. Rather, we'd just see how things developed.

They hadn't been happy weeks as I'd watched his heart grow farther and farther from me. He'd tried to hide it, but I, who knew him better than I knew myself sometimes, could feel it. I irritated Jacob now, even though he tried not to let his feelings show as he bantered with me and hugged me like he used to do so naturally but now did through great personal effort. Jacob couldn't help his actions—he was trying so hard to act like nothing at all had changed between us. But everything had changed, and no amount of hiding on either of our parts could fix what had been broken.

I was heartily glad that I'd never slept with him now. My sorrow had saved us both from a lot of regret now that our marriage was over. I was happy that he would be able to share that experience with the woman he really loved, not with the woman who hereafter would only be a bad memory.

My conversation with Leah had even further cemented my determination for what I was about to do. She'd been remarkably sympathetic, sharing her heart fairly willingly with me now that time and Paul had dulled her pain. All the bitterness was gone from her heart. She'd been a good friend to me since she had imprinted, and I valued her opinion beyond words.

So I went to Leah and Paul's tiny house one deceptively beautiful day on the pretense of meeting her new son. She hadn't been fooled by that excuse, proud of her baby though she undoubtedly was. The whole pack, whether they still phased or not, was well aware of the situation with Jacob, Dani and I. Unfortunately, I also knew if something didn't happen soon, the elders would step in and make the decision for us in the interest of inter-tribal relations. I had to avoid that at all costs, but I had to have some advice before I could make a definite decision.

Leah let me coo over Timothy for a while, but then she'd taken me outside and asked me with her trademark bluntness why I'd really come to see her. Now I had to decide whether I truly wanted to hear her advice. Gritting my teeth, I asked her what she thought I should do now, what she herself would do if she were in my situation.

"Bella, I truly hope that this doesn't sound harsh," she said hesitantly, bouncing Timothy in her arms.

"Just spill it, Leah," I said impatiently. "This is no time to be careful of my feelings."

I leaned toward her, eager to hear _something_ that would make sense, something that could guide me through all this. I hadn't felt this lost since I'd been searching through an impenetrable forest for the vanished love of my life...

She swallowed audibly as we sat together outside of her house, the beauty of the scene contradicting mightily with the darkness of my thoughts. "You want to know the best thing you can do to help Jacob right now, Bella? Truly? Because you're not going to like my answer one bit, and I hate like fury having to give it to you."

I nodded resolutely. Nothing about this situation was easy, and I certainly didn't expect the solution to be, either. I just wasn't that lucky.

Leah took a breath and then said the words that gave me a plan, that granted me a wild hope: "Go away, Bella."

I recoiled as if she'd hit me, despite her gentle tone. She grabbed my cold hand and held it firmly within her own hot one. Leah was still a werewolf, after all, whether she phased or not. "No, wait; let me finish, please, before you freak out. You've become a dear friend to me, and I hate to even think of it, but leaving is the best thing you can do for everyone now. I have a rather unique perspective on this whole sorry deal, having been through what you're going through now and then being able to share thoughts with everyone afterwards. I've only told these things to Paul, but I know that you'll listen to me with true understanding and respect. That's why I trust you now to tell you these things that are deeply personal."

I nodded to show that I would do as she asked and be respectful. She continued, saying, "I really made things a lot harder on Sam than they already were, harder than they should have been. I realize now, of course, that I didn't love him as much as I should have, as much as I'd claimed I did. If I'd truly loved him, I would have tried to make what he was going through as easy as possible." She shook her head at the memories. "I made his life a living hell, and still not a day goes by that I don't regret it."

She refocused her attention back on me, away from the hard memories of her past. "I was selfish and bitter, Bella…_but you're not_. I can see in your eyes your sincere love for Jacob. He's never going to ask you to leave, you know; he's too much of a gentleman. If you want to make this transition as easy on him as possible, it's for the best that you not remind him constantly of what he's done to you, whether he actually meant to hurt you or not. The whole situation is unfair, and I truly ache for you and the fact that you have to make this decision, but nothing can be done."

She moved Timothy to her other arm so that she could pat my knee consolingly. "Jacob will never completely get over deserting you in his heart, Bella, but it will make it infinitely easier for him to heal if he doesn't have to be the one to have to physically leave you. You can do that much for him. If he thinks that you've moved on and have the potential to be happy again, he'll be able to make a new life, too. Maybe getting away would be the best thing for you to do anyway."

She squeezed my hand gently. "Sign the papers, and then the sky's the limit. It'll hurt like hell when you do it, but I truly think that it would be the best thing. Go visit your mother. Enroll in a college and study something that interests you but you didn't think you'd ever get to learn. See a place you've always wanted to go. Getting away from these memories will be good for you, too. You can't heal in Forks, Bella. This place is a dead end for those who don't belong."

It hurt, but she was right. I didn't belong. I never really had.

Emily's advice when I'd asked for it had been a lot shorter, but every bit as helpful as Leah's in the end. "I can't tell you much, Bella, but I can tell you that I don't want Dani to go through what I did when Sam imprinted on me," she told me, looking as solemn as only Emily could. "I hated myself for hurting Leah, but it truly wasn't my fault. Don't lay that burden of responsibility on Dani; she's already been through enough pain without thinking that she's the one who wrecked your happiness. Just remember that you'll always be a wolf-girl no matter where you are, and that I'll always love you like my sister." Then she kissed my cheek.

So I'd carefully laid out my plans, working through every tiny detail as it occurred to me. I'd certainly be going someplace I'd never had before. After two weeks' preparation, everything was finally in place now. The only thing left for me to do was to tell Jacob.

I headed home, running shamelessly away from the sight of Dani's lovely figure that seemed to mock all my deficiencies. I didn't get very far, though, before I had to slow to a walk so that I could breath normally again. When I got home, I sat down outside under my favorite tree at our little house, waiting patiently, utterly certain of my course now. It hurt me to think that this was no longer _my_ house, but that was only a small pain compared to the larger.

I was alone for the moment. Billy was gone on an overnight fishing trip with Charlie upstate. Jacob was running patrol today with Seth and Jared. I knew that Jake would like running with Jared today—he'd get to see Dani, even if it was only in Jared's mind. She was still living in Jared and Kim's home until she had enough money for a place of her own. Kim had told me a few days ago that Dani was starting to get suspicious about why Jared was gone at such odd hours, and why his skin was always so hot. She'd have to be told the truth about the werewolves soon. Dani wouldn't have to wait much longer now for a home of her own, after all…

I felt him standing behind me before I heard him move or speak. His tension, albeit never well-concealed these days, seemed to make my toes go cold. My chilled arms yearned for the warmth that he used to bring me. The vacant hole in my chest opened even wider than ever, but I ignored it, fighting back the urge to cry so that I could get through these next few moments with good grace.

He spoke. "Bella…are you okay?" I heard the ever-present misery in his voice…along with a strange impatience that I hadn't been expecting.

I nodded, turning to look Jake in the eyes. He was shifting uneasily on the balls of his feet, looking away from me. I glanced around as I stood up, and saw the reason for his edginess: it was Dani, walking slowly toward Jared's house. She was looking tired and worn from her long day of work in town. The fingers of her left hand briskly rubbed those on her right—obviously, working with the stiff leather hurt her hands. She didn't even notice us standing here under the tree, even though Jacob and I were both utterly aware of her presence.

One of Jacob's arms was reaching towards her involuntarily. I knew that he wanted to comfort her, to take care of her, to offer her shelter from her pain and loneliness. I knew because it was the same way he used to feel towards me.

I was glad, somehow, that Dani was so close now. It would make what I was about to do easier to bear for both of us, for Jacob and me.

Standing up, I walked over to him and put my arms around his neck. I kissed him on the cheek before I released him and backed away, keeping my distance as if he were a hunter on the prowl and I a frightened rabbit that was trying to avoid the frying pan.

"Go to Dani, Jake. She needs you." I took a calming breath, amazed how much it calmed me to know that my decision was already made. "I see pain in her eyes. I don't think she's very happy here. She works too hard, I think."

Jacob looked hesitant to reply to this, but he finally did. "I think she still misses her home and family very much."

"Well then, go be a welcome wagon. You're certainly big enough to qualify as a mode of transportation." He snorted, trying to smile. He almost succeeded, but I could see the conflict raging in his eyes.

I smiled patiently back at him. "Go on, Jake. We both know that's where you really want to be. It's where your heart is, no matter what you pretend to me. I can see right through you, sir. Don't worry about me." I stepped back even further, and then dropped my bomb. "In fact, you don't have to worry about me at all anymore."

Jacob stepped back as if I'd slapped him. "_Bella, what are you saying?" _I didn't answer. I just looked at the ground and examined the rock that was at my feet. I kicked it back and forth, back and forth. One love to another, from adoration to desertion.

Reaching forward with one long arm, he grabbed me by my elbow and pulled me further under the shade of the tree, keeping us out of sight. This seemed absurdly funny to me—there was nobody but the oblivious Dani around to witness what I was about to do to myself and to Jacob. She kept on walking away, getting smaller, but I knew that Jacob would be able to see her long after she left the range of my weak human eyesight. Good. That meant he would be able to reach her quickly when all this was over.

I shook my elbow free of Jacob's firm hold and gazed into the distance beyond the house. I couldn't bear to look at his face when I told him. I knew the pain that would cross his eyes, the self-recrimination he would feel. I didn't want any part of it that I could possibly avoid.

"I filed the divorce papers at the courthouse this morning, Jacob, citing irreconcilable differences. I'm sorry that I had to do it, but I also knew that someone had to eventually. I knew that you would never be the one to make the decision; you'd be tormenting yourself for deserting me the whole time. I just decided to keep you from going through that pain. I'm not asking for support or anything—I made it as easy on you as I possibly could. All you have to do is sign your name a few times and it's all over, as if our marriage had never happened. Now you can just tell everyone that your stupid wife couldn't handle living on the reservation anymore and left you. No one would think the worse of you, and I certainly don't care what they think of me. I just want you to be happy. You've worked for so many years to make me happy. It's my turn now. I owe you that much for my life."

"Bella, why in the world would you do that to me, to us?" he roared, his entire body trembling with emotion. I could see that he was having trouble containing the animal inside of him.

I waited patiently until the tremors stopped. "I can't believe you're doing this," he continued in a softer tone when he was back in control of himself. "You honestly divorced me? Why are you doing this?"

I shook my head to negate what he'd said. "_I'm_ not doing it, Jacob. Neither are you. This is the way things have to be, and you'll realize that soon enough once you've had some time to think. You'll never be happy with me again now that you've imprinted, and I can't stand being the cause of your misery. I won't be like Leah, standing between you and happiness. I refuse to make things harder on you than they already are. You got handed quite a burden when you started phasing. I don't want to add to it. You deserve happiness."

"How do you think I feel about you?" Jacob retorted with an enraged growl. "God, Bella! Do you think I like seeing you suffering like this? You've already been through so much in your life—I wanted to spare you any more pain. Things are just spinning out of control!" He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"It must seem that way," I agreed. "But I can tell you where you'll find some gravity. It's right behind you," I said, pointing at the direction where Dani had gone. "Don't worry about me, Jacob, _please_. I'll always love you, but I can't…I can't go on like this. I know that you've tried to stay true to me, but every time you hold me I know that you're wishing that it wasn't me in your arms. You want her. It's killing the both of us, slowly but surely. One of us had to make the decision, and I wanted to spare you that if I could. And heaven knows that I didn't want the council to get involved. It would bring unnecessary embarrassment to the whole pack."

He gazed at me in shock. He obviously hadn't realized that I saw as much as I did. I'd always been too observant for my own good, and he wasn't _that_ good an actor, after all. Not as good as the one I was being right now, anyway. Edward would be proud, if he were around to see my performance.

"I never planned on getting divorced, Jake," I admitted to him softly. "To follow in my parents' legacy like that was something I never wanted to do. I wanted to be your wife for the rest of our lives. My biggest regret is that I couldn't please you in the ways that you deserved, and now I'll never have the chance to fix my stupid hesitant mistakes. But you and I, we can't stop this from happening, no matter how hard we wish we could. Not even you are strong enough to alter destiny."

Breaking my own rule of no-contact, I took his face in my freezing hands. He winced at the feel of them, and I stepped back again, sick inside. "I'm moving out this afternoon, Jake, and I'm leaving Forks far behind me. I don't think that I'll ever be back again, or at least not for a very long time. I've enrolled in a school back home in Phoenix, and I've got an apartment and possibly even a job waiting for me there. You'll never have to see me again if you don't want to. A clean break," I added ruefully, using Edward's own words to me. It didn't hurt now to think on it because I couldn't feel. I'd never sympathized with Edward more than I did now. "Trust me; it's the best way to do something like this. I know from personal experience."

"I won't let you do this, Bella. You leaving like this—I know it's going to kill you. I'll stop you, I swear it."

I called Jacob's bluff. His voice had tried to be stern, but it only came out as weak and uncertain. "No, you won't, because you know just as well as I do that this has to be done. You need to be free, but you'd never let me leave. I'd be your wife only in body, never in spirit. Personally, I'm not keen on being locked up in a chest like one of Bluebeard's wives. You don't need me hanging around you, incessantly bringing up painful memories."

I turned to walk toward my truck, but pivoted back around again. There was one last thing I had to do. Slowly, gazing into his eyes, I pulled off my wedding ring. Jacob had carved it for me himself, a delicate wooden ring of vines and flowers. I put it in his palm and wrapped his fingers around it.

I kept looking sadly into his dark, dark eyes. "I want you to know that you've been wonderful to me, Jacob Black. I'll never forget this time that we've had together. I would have gone insane without you, I know that. You've been the sunlight when all I could see was darkness. Now go and find your own happiness, Jake. It's your turn now. You can't always be my baby-sitter." I'd moved closer with each word.

"Bella," he croaked, totally unsure of what to do. I could actually_ see_ the thoughts as they went coursing through his head. Did he stop me? Did he really want to? I was glad again that I hadn't made him make this decision. It was the least I could do in thanks for everything he'd done for me.

Leaning up, I kissed him fiercely with all the love I had for him in me, the love that continued to live on despite the lack of sunlight to keep it healthy and green. "Good-bye, my Jacob. Be good to this Dani Palemoon, or I'll come back and turn you into a sweater. Go be her fairy tale. Everybody deserves the chance to be wooed by a mythical creature. It's an unforgettable experience, and I won't keep anyone from it if I can possibly help it."

Jacob's arms wrapped around me for what I knew to be the last time. "Good-bye, Bella. You…you keep yourself safe, you hear me? Don't go be all zombie-fied. I'll always be your friend, and you can call on me whenever you need me. Promise me that you will." His black eyes bore into mine, and I had to turn my face into his chest or he would have seen the feelings that I was hiding. If he knew how badly I was hurting, it would mean an even worse scene and parting on bad terms. I couldn't stand that.

"Sure, sure," I told him quickly, eager now for the moment to be over. "I promise I'll call if I need a giant wolf's help, Jake." I stepped out of his embrace then and waved a little. "Don't pick any fights with Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, ok? While amusing to think about who would win, it's probably time for you to have a little peace and quiet of your own without always looking for the next battle."

He shook his head in disbelief at the very thought of him ever having peace and quiet, and I tried to smile. I might have succeeded just a bit. "So long, Jacob Black."

Turning, I ran away from him as fast as I could go. He didn't follow me, just like I knew he wouldn't.


	6. Up the River

Disclaimer: If I owned this, I would have my own vampire

Disclaimer: If I owned this, I would have my own vampire. It all belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

A/N: You guys are REALLY going to hate me after this one! This is dedicated to all those fantastic reviewers. I'd take the time to list out your names, but I've got to do my very last assignment for this college semester. Woo hoo! Almost done, praise ye the Lord, but the procrastination has caught up with me yet again. Please, tell me what you think of this! Blessings!

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My faithful old red truck, packed neatly with my clothes and pictures and other belongings, was at the bottom of a deep ravine miles away from Forks, Washington. There were some advantages to living in the middle of nowhere, after all. No one ever went to that ravine—my truck could conceivably remain hidden there for years, if not decades. I'd wedged a stick between the seat and the accelerator and jumped out at the last minute, banging my knees up badly on the ground in the process. Oh well, it was business as usual for me. Nobody could see my truck unless they knew exactly where to look, and nobody would.

It had taken me well over six hours to walk back to town, but it had been time I'd needed for reflection's sake. Night fell as I walked along, but for once, the darkness didn't bother me at all. I was too busy thinking about the future to worry about tripping. I think I fell a few times, but they didn't even really register in my brain. As I plodded along, one foot in front of the other, I tirelessly went over and over my plan. I remained utterly convinced of it. There were no obvious holes, and none of it would matter much to me soon, anyway.

Emily and Leah had agreed to check on Jacob and Billy from time to time for me and make sure the men didn't starve until Dani took over my place in the house and heart of the house's owner. I knew that my men would be well taken care-of in the meantime, which was a relief. Nobody was more compassionate than Emily, and nobody was more constant in everything they did than Leah.

Last week I'd called Renee and told her that I was going away for a long vacation, possibly for a year or two. I wouldn't be available to telephone or e-mail at all, but I'd be sure to let her know when I was back to normal again. She knew that I planned to return to Phoenix eventually, but Renee was too unpredictable. Knowing her, she'd show up at my apartment there just to surprise me, hence the vacation excuse.

Somehow, she hadn't questioned me. She'd been through this before, after all. Maybe she realized that I needed time to myself to recover from the divorce. Or it could have been the fact that Phil had just been offered a huge coaching job and I was fairly low on her list of priorities. I was, supposedly, all grown-up now, after all. Her reaction didn't bother me, though. I was glad to see that she was living her life as well as she could.

I'd stopped at the police station to say good-bye to Charlie face-to-face, though, telling him that I was moving back to Phoenix. I told him that I wanted to be back near my childhood memories and away from the rain and clouds. Poor Charlie just couldn't understand what had caused me to leave Jacob, and I know that he deeply disapproved of what I was doing. For a while he tried to change my mind, but stopped suddenly when I turned away from him in mute supplication. He instinctively knew that that arguing would do no good. I was too stubborn. After all, I was too much like him.

It hurt me when I realized that Charlie thought I was doing the same thing to Jacob that Mom had done to him. Still, he shied away from outright asking me what had happened to cause this event, bless his emotionally-backward heart. I'd hugged him as tightly as I dared and told him that I loved him very, very much. I told him that despite everything that had happened in the past few years, I would never trade having the chance to get to know him better.

Charlie had gripped me hard in return and told me not to get into any trouble Down There, Phoenix being roughly comparable with a foreign country in his book. I told him that trouble was the last thing on my mind, which it truly was.

I hoped that he wouldn't blame Jacob for what I was about to do. I prayed that they would never find me at all, although Jacob probably could do the job with his nose and the help of the rest of the pack. Hopefully, if he did find me, he'd take my wishes to heart and keep Charlie from knowing. It was better for Charlie and Renee to go on believing that I was happy in a city far away from Forks, Washington.

But even I knew that that idea couldn't hold up forever, especially when I never arrived at the apartment I'd rented. A credit card trail only lasts so long, after all, and I was far from being experienced in the realm of fraud.

Still, the whole thing pleased me in an odd sort of way. My life had been full of secrets. It was only appropriate now that my death be one as well. The idea of just disappearing completely appealed vastly to me. My downfalls had always been bitterly public affairs, leaving me nowhere to hide. It was only fair that this last failure of my strength of will would leave me with some small amount of dignity. I deserved that much in life, didn't I? Even though I wasn't a big believer in what people "deserved," I clung to the thought now. I, who had never had any happiness since Edward's desertion, should at least be allowed some peace now at the end.

Now I sat on the damp ground in our meadow, quiet and composed, finishing up the note that I'd been writing on a conveniently placed rock. Ironic how I kept writing notes like this…I'm glad I was the only one that would ever appreciate this particular irony. It was far too pathetic for anyone else to know about.

I wasn't ashamed of what I was about to do, necessarily, but I knew that other people would be shamed for me, especially Jake and Charlie. I wanted to spare them that guilt, if it was at all within my power.

The note, written in my own messy scrawl that had always amused Edward to no end, read:

Dear Jacob,

I know that you will be very angry when you find me here like this. I want to say that I'm so sorry, Jake. I just can't keep going on in this way. Please believe that I don't blame you in the slightest for anything at all; you can't help being what you are or being true to your instincts. You're a wolf, which is a wonderful thing. This is a part of that inheritance, which has both its good parts and bad parts. Dani is a good part. I'm just a casualty of that fate, if the thought helps you at all.

If you ever blame yourself at all for my actions, I'm coming back to haunt your butt, mister. I'm sure your ancestors will be happy to give me some pointers on how to come back from the spirit world, so you just keep that in mind and act accordingly.

Be a good husband to Dani, and take care of the pack, especially Seth and Brady. They need that male guidance in their lives.

Please take care of Charlie, too, as best you can. I don't want anything to happen to him. He's had a hard enough time of it in his life without adding me to his load to bear. He's been talking about a woman a lot lately, some lady named Wanda that's become the police department's new secretary. Encourage him in that relationship, please, if the opportunity presents itself. He deserves a little love in his life, just the same as everybody else. I don't think he ever got over Mom—it would be nice if he could now.

Don't tell Charlie or Renee what I've done, I beg you. Tell them any story that seems likely to you. Tell them I tripped and smashed my head open on a rock on my way out to my truck for all I care. They'd actually probably believe that, and it does have a certain amount of poetic irony.

I only have one more request to you: bury me here in this meadow, please, where I've been so happy. You'll still be able to visit me, if that's what you'd like. Don't feel obligated on that score, of course. Just stick me in the ground and put a boulder at my head for a marker. That way, no one can ever come here and read my pathetic story, as uninteresting as I imagine it to be. I don't fancy the idea of becoming a figure of romantic tragedy for future generations, for all that it's served Juliet so well throughout the centuries. Imagine me, klutzy Bella Swan, ever becoming some graceful tragic maiden of literature! It's laughable. But I digress.

Why do I want all this secrecy, you ask? I can't stand the idea of anyone else knowing that I wasn't strong enough to keep going on my own. When everyone else is so much stronger and more agile and more beautiful than you, it's inevitable that you eventually realize just how frail you truly are. It's a little daunting, but at least I'm not deluding myself anymore. I know my strength, and I know that I don't have enough. Not anymore.

If I could hide this act from you and still rest here forever, I would, but your nose is just too darn good to hope for that much. Leah will probably know what I've done, now that I think of it, but I think she'll keep my secret, too. She knows what it's like.

No matter what you may think of yourself, Jake, I know that you saved me from myself. You remember that, too, now. I wouldn't have made it through this much of life without you. You brought me happiness and sunshine, and I'm truly grateful. You gave me three more years of a human life than I would have had on my own, and they've been happy ones for the most part. Now it's Dani's turn for some sunlight. I think she could use some in her life.

I'm going into the darkness, and it will be a relief, to be honest. I'm so tired of living without a heart. Death has no sting for me anymore.

All my love,

Bella.

I carefully folded the letter twice, sealed it in a plastic water-proof pouch, and put it in my jean jacket pocket. It would wait there until it was removed by Jacob's hands, or until it disintegrated. After all, I didn't know too much about such things. Ignorance was bliss in this case.

Everything was in place now. There was only one more thing to do.

Strangely enough, I felt no hesitation, or any sense of the wrongness of my anticipated actions. From my other jacket pocket, I carefully removed a beautiful silver knife that I'd bought in La Push's craft shop. It was an exact replica of the old Native American knives used by the Quileutes when they hunted or fought in wars. The knife was something a tourist would buy, but I'd never been much more than a tourist at La Push anyway. Again, more irony.

I smiled at the knife's graceful shape. It was only appropriate that the wives of two great werewolves, the third wife and I, should die in the same manner. If only my death would do as much as good as hers did—I hoped that it would. I truly believed that this was the best thing for me, Jake, Dani, and Charlie…the whole pack, heck, the whole tribe, when it came right down to it. I wouldn't be anybody's liability any longer. I was the weakest link, good-bye.

I remembered the first time I heard the story of the third wife and her husband. It was at a bonfire just after my engagement was announced. I'd never been able to forget the tale, or to ignore the similarities between the third wife and me. We were both two plain, ordinary women, surrounded by magic, but overcome by fate. Magic hadn't been enough to save us, but I knew that I'd never be sorry for that failure. Just getting to experience this magical life was enough, and I knew that it had been enough for the third wife as well. She wouldn't have gone through so much personal pain if it hadn't all been utterly worth it in the end.

Now there was another similarity between us: we'd made the same choice. For the good of the pack, to save it from unconquerable forces, we'd died.

I heard a ferocious growl just behind me and I jumped, startled out of my wits for a minute. One rational thought returned, I immediately knew what was happening. It was the first time I'd heard Edward's voice in a year. "Bella," his voice rumbled. "Don't do this, please. Think about it. There's a way out, there's _always_ a way out, and this isn't it. I know it must seem like it, but it isn't."

I shook my head in reply. "There isn't another way out, Edward. I've thought it all through, as logically as I could. This is the only course left to me now, and I'm taking it. Nothing you can say will change my mind, although I do hope you'll keep trying. I love your voice."

"Bella, I forbid you from doing this," he ordered sternly. "Start walking towards town, go talk to Charlie, and rebuild your life. It _is_ possible. You promised me, Bella. You promised to keep on living. Have you forgotten that?"

I ignored him—well, I ignored his words, anyway.

The feral, ripping growl deepened and rumbled in my ears as I closed my eyes in ecstasy, the sound momentarily staying the movement of the blade. I wouldn't be dying alone after all! It didn't matter that he was angry. He would be here with me, holding me close just like he used to do when I was afraid and weak.

My senses were full of him and of the death that waited in my hand. He could be mad at me all he liked, as long as I could keep hearing him. As long as he didn't leave me again. That was far worse than any death.

Carefully gripping the knife in my left hand, I painstakingly drew it up my right arm, instead of across my wrists. _Up the river, not across the creek_ was the insipid saying that pounded through my brain along with Edward's enraged roar, excited by the sight of blood. A crimson line appeared along my arm, shiny and unrepentant.

"I'm so sorry, Edward!" I shouted toward the emptiness of the meadow as I drew the knife up my left arm now, barely registering the pain through the rushing noise in my ears. "I have to do this! I can't keep going, I know it! I'm so sorry that I'm breaking my promise. But then, so did you. You broke a lot of your promises to me. It's my turn now. You don't have any right at all to be mad at me. Just don't leave me, please, if you ever loved me at all."

I was suddenly desperately afraid that even this strange, insane hallucination would desert me. I guessed that I didn't want to be alone after all.

The red, red blood gushed from my veins now, staining the flowers and grass around me. I was sorry for that—such beauty shouldn't be tarnished. Edward would like it, though; he'd always liked my blood so much, but he'd never really gotten to try it, except that once. I'd welcome him now. Even his teeth in my throat would bring me happiness, although the thought used to scare me a little. How silly I had been.

The old nausea at the metallic smell of my blood suddenly hit my nostrils, forcing me to lie down from the wheeling vertigo. The green grass tickled my nose, helping the dizziness slightly with its clean scent, but I felt too weak to brush it away. I could feel unconsciousness reaching for me with its relentless fingers. That was good. I wouldn't have to lie here and slowly bleed to death. I'd just slip away, like falling asleep.

The sun reached its zenith across the sky—it must have been noon. No matter, it was really sunset for me. I gathered up enough strength to murmur what I always did when I left this meadow at nightfall: "Good-bye, Edward. I still love you." I decided to add something, because it was the truth. "And I always will."

Sparkles of a nameless light spangled across my eyelids. Was it the angel of death? Most likely…

I thought I heard his voice screaming something in my ears before I willingly surrendered to the darkness' waiting arms.


	7. Moonlight

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just play

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just play.

A/N: There's hardly anything I enjoy more than screaming reviews from frantic fans. MUAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry that you guys hate me, but don't you love me? Totally not an oxymoron. In any case, here's your next chapter. Enjoy! Blessings!

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The castle was right in front me. It was white and shining, even in the absolute darkness. What was making it glitter like that, so fiercely, so constant? I looked at the space around me, and I saw an enormous moon gleaming in the darkness just above where I was flying. The whiteness of the castle's stone and the jewels set in the turrets reflected the moon's brilliant radiance.

I smiled—not necessarily surprised, but unbelievably peaceful and happy. This whole dying thing was even more beautiful that I'd ever dreamed it would be on. On all those nights when I'd been cold and alone and aching with my entire being for this very release, I'd thought about the death that I was experiencing now. Somehow, I'd never pictured a place of such quiet darkness and gentility. Maybe I wasn't being sent to hell after all for killing myself—maybe some almighty figure had judiciously decided that my life had been enough of a hell without making me actually go there after my life was over. I fervently agreed with this kind decision: I'd been punished enough, and I was eager to accept any grace that might come my way. I'd been through purgatory already, with its trials and lessons.

It was my turn, my time, for some bliss.

A little perfection certainly wouldn't be amiss to my mind, either, now that the thought occurred to me. I was aching in my very bones from the exhaustion of being frail, slow, and flawed, so much less than everyone else around me. If I couldn't be perfect with Edward here on earth, then the next best thing would be perfection in heaven, even if I was alone. The first option sounded infinitely better, but it wasn't even an option that was open to me anymore.

The wind was rushing past my ears, and I felt embraced and invigorated by it. I could feel my hair floating out behind me from the wind's furious onslaught. I reached out to touch the moon as it shimmered, so close, and found that it was cold, as cold as ice. That made sense—the sun was gone, taking its warmth with it. It was nightfall, and night was the moon's kingdom.

Something grabbed my hand and pulled it inexorably away from the moon and put it back on my own chest. "No," I whimpered in protest. I wanted to touch the moon again. It had felt so good on my overheated flesh. I was almost there, though—the castle's enormous door was swinging smoothly open, and the motion was just for me. I knew it with everything in me. I would be welcome there in my new home.

"Don't move, Bella."

Edward's beautiful voice rang its silky way through my head again, filling my heart with joy even while the realization was dragging me away from the castle for a minute. I smiled with utmost rapture. So he would be here with me, too! Maybe I hadn't been insane after all. Either that, or this truly was heaven. Heaven wouldn't be a paradise without Edward. I definitely wasn't this lucky, but I decided not to question it. If I questioned it, maybe he would be taken away from me.

"Edward, let me go," I said softly, trying futilely to get my hand free again of the iron grip that kept it immobile on my chest. "I want to go to the white castle—the door's open and everything. They're going to let me in! It's so _beautiful_…"

"Just be quiet, Bella. Don't move." I started at the anger and sorrow in Edward's voice. Why would he be mad at me, here in heaven of all places? Weren't all your sins supposed to be forgiven and forgotten here? Then he shouldn't be mad at me at all, I reasoned. Despite this, I obeyed him and kept still. He was talking to me, and that was all that really mattered.

As I quieted down and feel back into the darkness, the castle moved a little closer. My eagerness grew to an overwhelming ache. I wanted to be there! "But Edward, don't you want to go to the castle with me?" I asked beguilingly, unable to keep silent any longer. "I'll go wherever you want to go, of course. But it's _so_ pretty…we can be happy there. Enough distractions even for you, I think…"

"Don't you dare go into that castle, Isabella Marie Swan, if it is what I think it is. I positively forbid it. Now be quiet. Save your strength, please, darling."

I could hear the barely restrained panic in Edward's voice and wondered stupidly at it. What was there to be afraid of here? In this place was utter peace and serenity. I was with him and nothing else in the world, or above it, could be of equal importance.

Suddenly another voice came to my ear. It was loud and shockingly unnecessary, for all of its smooth kindness and indefinable courtesy. "Edward? Do you have her? Alice called me just after she talked to you." Something icy touched my neck for the briefest moment. "I have a pulse. Get her inside, quickly. I have the dining room table prepared already. Has she said anything?"

I heard Edward reply as more wind rushed past my ears as we flew even closer to the castle that awaited me. "She's conscious, but just barely. She keeps talking nonsense, Carlisle."

What was Carlisle doing with Edward and me in heaven, I wondered? Was he dead, too? I thought that he loved Esme too much to leave her alone? Oh, well. I'd always liked Carlisle, after all. Since he was here, maybe I'd be hearing Alice soon, too. I ached to see Esme and Emmett and Jasper and I'd welcome even Rosalie...

That castle was certainly big enough for all of us. We could all live together, just like I'd always dreamed we would when nothing trivial like humanity separated us. It sounded as if Carlisle wanted us to go inside the castle, too. He was a great guy in my book for telling Edward to get us inside.

More ice slid up and down my body, squeezing me and chilling me. It stopped the longest at my chest, just above my heart, and then again on my arms. I tried to squirm away from the frigid ice that made me so uncomfortable, but I found that I couldn't move at all. Carlisle's strange, mournful groan reached my buzzing ears—I'd never heard him sound like that before.

But then his voice became clipped, calm, and efficient, just like it always was no matter how desperate the situation appeared to be. "Put more pressure on her arm, please, Edward. We've got to stop the bleeding quickly if she's going to live—she's cut the arteries. Hold your breath if you need to. There's a lot of blood now and there will be more before I can get the stitches done."

"I don't need to hold my breath. It doesn't bother me anymore. Just hurry." Edward sounded as if he were speaking through clenched teeth for some reason.

A curious heaviness was seeping into my frozen body now. I'd known before that I couldn't move, but now it felt as if my very spirit itself were being brought back down to crash against the ground. I wasn't flying anymore…the castle didn't come any closer to the place where I was waiting for it. Why wasn't it coming to me anymore? I tried to reach for it, but my arms were held prisoner by the ice.

I noticed then that the castle's door was starting to close, no longer allowing me entrance. Had I been bad or something to cause this tragedy to happen?

"Hold her still while I sew these lacerations up. Thank God you didn't have to carry her very far. If we hadn't been here already…if Alice hadn't seen it happen…" Carlisle seemed to be talking to himself as the wind whistled in my ears and the ice held me captive—his voice was no more than a whisper.

"Hold on, Bella….just hold on, please, Bella, please, do it for me…" Edward's velvet voice murmured in my ear, almost a monotone in its tempo and intensity.

Pain. I started to feel the pain all over my body, especially in my arms—but strangely enough, there was no pain of absence in my chest. My heart was pounding _too _hard if anything, trying desperately to keep my body working, rushing the blood through my veins. It was good to feel my heart again, though—it had been a long time. Reunited with Edward, even if it was only in this dream world, had been enough to bring an ease to my pain.

It seemed to me that the old hole was gone. I was healed—better than healed. It was as if there had never been a hole in my chest in the first place. I could breathe, even though it was raggedly. I couldn't seem to catch enough air to satisfy my lungs, for some reason. Maybe that was why I felt so unbelievably tired.

The light from the moon was waning and I whimpered softly at its loss.

"Alice, run to the hospital and get some blood out of the bank there," Carlisle's authoritative voice ordered, dousing the moon's light even more with its clear sense of reality. "Break in if you have to, and be quick about it. Don't let anyone see you. Blood is all that can save her now," he told Edward as I heard a door slam. Alice must have been in a big hurry to slam a door. I always remembered her being so graceful, like a dancer. Dear Alice, I'd missed her so much…

For a few minutes or hours or seconds, depending on how time was counted here in heaven, I felt a strange pressure on my arms. Finally it was gone, and then I was left to rest again. The castle backed away a tiny bit more, and I gasped, trying without success to break away from the ice that held me frozen in the same position and kept me from running after my happiness. If I didn't hurry, the castle would leave me behind, and I just knew that I wouldn't be able to find it again.

"I've finished sewing up her wounds. Luckily for her, they weren't too deep, and you got her here fast." There were strange sounds, as if something were being wiped up and put away. "Edward, keep talking to her. Try to keep her awake and aware. We don't need her going into shock. She's hallucinating from the blood loss, I believe." He hesitated. "I know that you don't want to hear it, but you need to think about whether you want to bite her or not if the blood doesn't get here quickly enough. She might not make it until Alice gets back."

Make what? He made it sound like I was going to disappear. Ha, that was funny. It felt like everything was becoming sharper, if anything, not vanishing. At least that's what I thought. The minute the thought passed through my brain, I noticed that something was indeed disappearing, to my horror. The image of the white castle that had been with me this whole time shimmered in front of my eyelids, and with a final flash of blinding light, it vanished from me completely.

I wanted to be the one to disappear, not the lovely castle. I was plunged into an unfathomable, oppressive darkness.

"_No_!" I shrieked in unbearable agony. "No, no, _no_, the castle's gone! Come back! Oh, come back! Make it come back to me, Edward! _Please!_" I writhed, but I was still too frozen to move much. Why was it so darn cold?

"Bella, be still. Please, darling, do what I say and trust me!"

Edward's voice matched mine for the sheer intensity of his longing. Carefully, experimentally, I opened my frozen eyes, expecting only to see the brilliance of the moon again. I wanted to escape this hideous darkness.

What I saw was even better than the moon, far more glorious than the castle that had forsaken me. Edward's face was right in front of mine, his lips practically on my own as he spoke. I almost laughed—he was even more beautiful than I had remembered. My weak, pathetic mind had been faulty in that, too.

Edward's cool marble hand wrapped itself lightly around the back of my neck, supporting me, helping me to breathe through the heavy fog that was surrounding me. His other hand was running through my hair. I realized then that Edward was the one that was keeping me still on the…what was it, anyway? It felt almost like a table, but they wouldn't have tables in heaven.

I suddenly remembered that onyx was my favorite gemstone when I looked into his black eyes. The darkness that he bore within them wasn't frightening, like the other darkness had been. This black was enfolding, comfortable and safe. It reminded me of when I used to hide under the covers of my bed. Nothing could touch me there. I was truly sheltered and protected. Safety—it felt so strange, and yet so perfect.

Despite the pain and weakness, my heart leapt just a little at the sight of him. I knew that he would be able to hear it. Why didn't he smile like he normally did when my heart misbehaved around him?

"I knew you'd be here," I told him, relieved and distracted for the moment from the loss of the white castle. What was a castle compared to Edward's face? "It wouldn't be heaven without you. Thank God for that! I'm so tired of being alone" I mused. "Death isn't as bad as all that after all, Edward. It's just a little more uncomfortable that I would have thought."

A muted pain laced up my arms and I looked down as I noticed it. Why were my arms all wrapped up in bandages? Was that normal for heaven? I shrugged a little, acknowledging my own ignorance. Who was I to know what heaven was or wasn't?

Edward's familiar exasperated sigh filled my ears before he leaned down and kissed me hard. I returned his affection hungrily with the little strength I had. "You're not dead yet, Bella…" he said when he stopped kissing me in order to let me breathe again. "I won't let you die. I defy it! Keep talking to me, sweetheart, just stay here with me, in this moment. You just have to hold on for a few more minutes, Alice is on her way. I won't let you die."

My nose winkled in confusion. "You're wrong—I didn't think that you were ever wrong. Of course I'm dead, Edward. I wanted to be dead. I remember all of it perfectly. I bought the knife and everything. There was nothing left for me in life. Besides, I'm the one that never left, remember? I'll stay just as long as you will."

There was an unspoken desperation in my voice. I was too tired to try and hide it from him.

"I'm here, my Bella, I swear that I'm here until you make me leave, and even then your chances aren't very good. It's entirely your choice, I promise. Just—just stay awake for me. You're _not_ dead. This is all real."

In an aside I heard him mutter, sounding oddly strained, "How long until that morphine kicks in?"

"It should be working by now, Edward, or it very soon will be."

An irritated growl went through the air. "Stop thinking that, Carlisle. I don't want to hear nonsense. Alice _will_ get here in time." A little breeze, brushing like a finger of winter across my skin, told me that Edward had turned his attention back to me. "Stay awake, sweetheart. Don't you dare leave me." Edward's voice was a little farther away now and I had to struggle to make sense of the words.

I heard my own voice turn a little whiny in return from the fear and my anger at the fact that it was getting harder to hear him. "But it _hurts_, Edward. It hurts. I want to sleep. Besides…" The thought occurred to me, and I couldn't resist from sharing it. "Don't you want to see the castle, too? It was here just a minute ago…I bet it hasn't gone far. I think I can still find it if I close my eyes and look…" My eyelids felt as if they were made of stone. I was losing the battle to keep them open, even though I wanted to obey Edward, wanted to make him proud of me for once in my life.

"Bella!" he bellowed in my ear. I twitched, moaned, and tried to open my eyes. It wasn't working. He shouted my name again, louder, and this time I was frightened and startled enough to obey his unspoken command.

I slowly opened my eyes again. I followed the movements of his face like a moth follows the brilliance of a flame. His features wavered as if they were under water, and I tried to blink. I couldn't focus.

"I've got the blood!"

A voice that sounded lovelier than the most beautiful silver bells in the world ever could came from somewhere behind my head. Only one person in the world could sound like that and it was one of my favorite people: Alice.

I smiled a little, jubilantly happy that she was here, too. I wanted to say hello to her, but that would mean tearing my eyes away from Edward's liquid face. I couldn't quite manage to do that. I wasn't strong enough.

"Well done, Alice." Was that relief in Carlisle's voice? A minute later, I felt a needle prick my skin, and then slide into a vein in my ankle.

I whimpered a little, even though the words that came after the brief pain were gentle and apologetic. "I'm sorry to hurt you, Bella, but I had to use a vein down here. You've done enough damage to the ones in your arms on your own. Be quiet now, dear, and save your strength. Everything will be all right, I promise."

Carlisle's words were soft and firm and I submitted to them without a hint of protest. After all, Carlisle always knew what was best. It was a fundamental law of life that I'd never even thought to question.

He started talking again, and from the direction it was going I knew that he wasn't speaking to me. I wasn't offended…I was too sleepy to be offended. "She should make it now, I believe, although she'll probably sleep for a long while. She'll need several transfusions, so sleep won't be a bad thing for her in any case, considering her sensitivity to blood. I don't think you'll have to make a decision about biting her this evening, at least. It's over now, son, you can relax."

A veil began to cover my eyes again as a strange warmth flowed up from my legs. No brilliant white castle waited for me in this haze, though, only the rest I so desperately wanted. It was too exhausting to even try to breathe now. At least the light of the brilliant moon had stayed with me.

"I'm going now, Edward." I didn't realize that no sound was coming from my numb lips—only Edward's and others' sensitive vampire hearing could make out my mouthed words. I didn't have enough air for volume.

"Don't even think about it!" he snarled. His face was indescribably beautiful even when he was growling at me, and I looked at it adoringly with what little strength I had left in me. "You just keep those eyes open for me, ma'am," he ordered. "This isn't a negotiation."

I laughed a little fuzzily, but that just made me cough. When I stopped, gasping, I looked into his black eyes. They were terrified. "This isn't the United Nations, Edward," I said, moving enough to rub a finger along his cheek. His frightened eyes closed at the sensation "Negotiation rarely works anyway, didn't you know that?"

I sighed. "I guess I'll say it again, since you probably didn't hear it the first time I told you in the meadow. Good-bye, Edward. I still love you."

I fell asleep before I could hear his reply.


	8. A New Dawn

Disclaimer: Don't own it, but don't use my ideas

Disclaimer: Don't own it, but don't use my ideas. Those ARE mine.

A/N: Sorry that I'm a bit later than usual in getting this up—you get an unusually long chapter as my peace offering. Sorry…I kept looking for a way to break this up into two pieces, but there just wasn't a logical place. So you'll just have to plow through as best you can. Don't worry; there'll still be lots of other plot twists thrown in! I hope that you're all enjoying this—thanks for the awesome reviews! Keep it up!

……………………………………………………………………………………………...

When I woke up, a more realistic moonlight than the kind from my dreams was shining through a glass wall behind me. I was obviously in a bed, bundled under a few blankets that were soft but heavy. I moaned and tried to move, but found that I was too weak. What was wrong with my arms, my legs?

A cool hand came to my forehead, easing my discomfort and cooling my aching head as well as the rising panic in my heart. I hadn't realized that I was desperate to see something, even though I wasn't consciously aware of what that something was at the moment.

"Bella? Are you awake now?"

A deep, rich voice came from the darkness around me, and my heart stilled for a moment before sputtering back into service. I instinctively knew that _this_ was what I'd wanted to hear, was desperate to hear.

I looked up, confused yet peaceful. Edward was kneeling on the bed next to me, his eyes black with either thirst or emotion. My brain stopped functioning for a minute, and then started working again. It was Edward! What had he asked me? Oh, yes, he wanted to know if I was awake now.

"I guess not," I replied fuzzily, still gazing raptly at his face. "I'm dreaming, I think, but as long as I stay in the dream, I'm fine. You're with me here, after all."

I sighed happily, realizing that I was warm and comfortable in this bed. How long had it been since I was truly comfortable? "This dream is so _vivid_, Edward," I told him with wonder. "I'm glad. Maybe I've finally finished going crazy and I'm really and truly insane now. Don't know why people are so afraid of going cuckoo, really. Crazy feels all kinds of wonderful right now. If this is insanity, I welcome the nice men in their white coats for all eternity."

I frowned at my body's inability to move, though. Had I been paralyzed or something? "Of course, I hadn't expected insanity to be ranked quite this low in the comfort realm. You'd think a psycho could come up with some sort of scenario in which they could move at the very least. But it's me, of course. I couldn't expect even insanity to be totally normal if I'm involved. Too much to ask of the universe, definitely. Besides, you're enough, so who cares if I'm a little unable to move?"

His brow furrowed as I'd rambled on meaninglessly for a few minutes. "Bella, you're not dreaming. You're wide awake. Don't you recognize where you are? Look around and tell me what you think." His voice was urgent.

It was as if I could read his thoughts instead of it being the other way around. It was as if we'd never been apart at all, and I was just as familiar with the tones of his voice and the expressions of his face as I had been on my eighteenth birthday three long years ago. "I'm perfectly able to think rationally even if I _am_ crazy, Edward Cullen. I'll have you know that I know exactly where I am—I'm in your bedroom, in the white house outside of Forks. I can hear the river," I said, the harshness of my voice softening as a wistful longing took the resentment's place. "I wouldn't be here if it weren't a dream, I'm certain of it. I haven't been here in so long…I've missed this place so much, but I only came back that one time. You wouldn't speak to me here, you know, and it hurt too much, so I left and didn't come back."

Edward growled in an all-too-evident frustration. "You are as absolutely absurd as you ever were, Bella Swan. What can I say that will convince you? You're not dreaming and you're not insane, thank goodness. At least, I'd like to think that you're not insane, but you've still got a lot of explaining to do." He scowled dangerously at me. "You just survived the dumbest thing you've ever done in a long line of incredibly dumb things. I hope you're proud of yourself. Along with your incredible talent for accident attraction, you also appear to have nine lives."

He finally sat down all the way beside me. I struggled to breathe. "You're currently lying in the bed I bought for you while I'm trying to figure out what to do with you," he told me, ignoring my respiratory problems. "I don't have a clue at the moment, to be completely honest. I don't even know where to start." He ran a marble hand through his hopelessly disheveled copper hair. I wished that I was the one running my hand through it.

"You want to know what I do with me? Oh, I think I can help you out with that little dilemma," I replied cheerily, nonplused with his anger at my stupidity. "You can keep me locked up here with you forever. Your carpet is certainly thick enough to pass for a padded room in my opinion. I'll be the easiest crazy person you've ever dealt with, I promise. I won't even talk, just as long as I go on being crazy and you stay with me. I love hallucinations, I never thought I would, but I do."

In a movement so fast he blurred, Edward was suddenly lying beside me, his arm lightly draped over my waist. He kissed the hollow of my neck tenderly and I moaned at the sheer incredible feel of his cold lips against my skin. "Let's try this," he said huskily. "Why don't you tell me what you remember from the last few days? Maybe, if you're truly thinking rationally, that exercise will convince you that what you see around you is the truth and not some insane dream." Edward rubbed his hand up and down my arm, cautiously avoiding the bandaged areas. It sounded like a good plan to me, especially if he stayed this close while I talked.

It was hard to think, but I knew that he wouldn't let me get away without at least a good effort at cognizance. I tensed up, trying to remember, wanting desperately to please him…but suddenly afraid of what I just might remember. "I…I was in the meadow. I was really sad, I think. I remember writing a note to Jacob…I remember talking to you. I remember the sunlight."

Suddenly, full recollection of what had happened returned to me. I began to cry from shame, from longing, from the memory of the desperation that had motivated my actions. "I tried to kill myself, Edward," I sobbed into his chest. "I slit the veins in my arms. There was so much blood…I remember that you were growling and shouting at me, but that was all in my head, of course. Just like it's been nothing but pretending ever since you left: pretending to live, pretending that you still loved me, and pretending that there was still beauty in the world. After the blood…everything just went totally black. I remember a castle, I think…a moon, too…I remember Carlisle and Alice speaking…and you sounding so upset." I was unable to keep going. It hurt too badly. I struggled for breath around my sobs.

He wiped my cheeks clean of tears and I used my free hand to keep his cold fingers on my face. He sighed deeply at the friction of our skin touching each other, but then pinched the bridge of his nose. "Your turn," I told him shakily, frightened by just what he had to tell me.

"I was in the meadow—did you know that? I found you just after you finished doing your despicable deed," Edward ground out, his eyes black with what I knew to be rage this time, not thirst. I winced. Crap. I was in _big_ trouble.

"Alice had called me, but she hadn't seen you soon enough for me to prevent your actions completely. I caught you just before you were totally unconscious. I carried you here, to Carlisle. Alice had called him, too, so everything was prepared. Thankfully you weren't strong enough or stupid enough to have done serious damage to your arms, even though it couldn't have been a lot worse. If I hadn't been there when you'd actually done it, however, you would have died from the blood loss. Even though your muscles will knit nicely, you'd managed to cut your arteries."

I felt him shudder beside me at the thought of the near miss, how close I'd come to dying, and I ran a hand over his muscled chest. I didn't want him to keep feeling so guilty about being unable to prevent something outside of his control—he shouldn't care this much. He stilled at my touch, and I smiled. That meant he was enjoying what I was doing immensely, if I remembered correctly.

When he was comforted enough to speak evenly, he continued with his narrative. "I'd, providentially as it turns out, asked Carlisle to come down to spend the weekend with me. Because of that, he was already on hand to fix you up. He was able to close your wounds and get blood into your body immediately with Alice's help. You've been asleep up here for two full days, weak from the loss of blood. Waiting for you to wake up has been…sheer torture. I kept thinking that you would never open your eyes again, that you would again never blush or scold me or be absurd. No matter how many times Carlisle and Alice assured me that you would wake up when you were healed a little, I couldn't rest easily. They've been marvelously patient with me, to their credit. Still, even they couldn't ease…the total agony of it all…"

He was impossibly still yet again as I waited for him to continue his narration. I found myself to be unusually patient, blissfully happy as I was to be here in his arms, pretending with everything within me that he still loved me. My mind was telling me that everything he had told me so far was the absolute truth, but that would mean so many things: principally, it would all mean that I wasn't dead or insane.

Then the deluge of Edward's rage was breaking over me, and all rational thought was momentarily halted in the face of his astounding fury. He, who had once told me that he could never be angry with me, now undoubtedly was indeed angry, and that with a vengeance. It was the most singularly terrifying moment of my life. "_What the hell were you thinking, Isabella Marie Swan?_ Did I not specifically tell you to be careful three years ago? Did I not tell you that I would hold you personally responsible if anything happened to you? You promised me, and you didn't keep your word! I would have never thought it to be possible, for _you_ to break a promise to me. I thought you cared more about me than that. I'm positively astounded at the categorical selfishness, the complete stupidity of your actions…"

I didn't answer for the first few minutes of his tirade. Once I'd blocked out his anger, acting from nothing more than a desire to protect my eardrums, my own thoughts had gained precedence in my mind once again. I was still too busy mulling over what he had told me to mind him that much. Then I realized that he was still shouting at me, so I had to interrupt.

"Wait a minute. Let's rewind and freeze for a moment, shall we? You were there in the meadow with me just before I fainted?" I clarified, feeling a vague sense of horror at the thought. What had he been forced to witness?

I felt him nod against my chest.

"Oh, my God. The sparkles…" I whispered. "I thought I saw sparkles of light and I heard a deafening roar, just before I passed out from the smell of the blood. The sun had come out from behind the clouds. It was noon, and it was very bright for once. The sparkles…that was truly you then, when you came?"

"Yes," he said, swallowing. "That was me. I pray that someday I'll be able to forget the sight of you lying there, slowly dying by your own hand. Damn my vampire memory! The image haunts me even now, denying me any sort of rest. I feel just as panicked as I did then, so helpless to prevent it from happening no matter how fast I run." His arms tightened around me, as if to reassure himself that I was alive and we were together again.

My head whirled again, making me hopelessly dizzy. Suddenly, I believed him. This was all too real. I was truly lying in Edward's arms at his house in Forks. I was still alive, despite my best efforts to the contrary.

My reaction was not what I would have thought to expect if I had suddenly been thwarted in a suicide attempt. Anger, hot and consuming, boiled up like lava within me. Oh, sure, he could sweep in and save me from the bliss that had awaited me and keep me in this crappy life. But now what? Now that he'd kept me from being happy away from all the pain and suffering, he was just going to leave me again for his precious distractions? He shouldn't be feeling guilty from my suicide attempt; he should be feeling downright ashamed for having stopped me in the first place!

I looked hard up at him, my face like stone. I was astounded at the depth of my own fury, at the sheer heat which scorched within my aching chest. My rage even matched his own from a moment before. "_What the hell are you doing here, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen?_" I was beginning to build up my irritation in order to truly roar at him, but he startled me before I could get enough breath.

He moved so that I was cradled in his lap, his every movement infinitely cautious regarding a needle that was still in my ankle, dripping some sort of fluid into my veins. "Shhh, be quiet, my love," he crooned quietly, rocking me a little as he tried to soothe me. "You're much too weak to be so excited. I'm sorry that I shouted at you; it was stupid of me. I'm here because I want to be here, my silly, beautiful, overly sensitive girl. I'm here because I love you, and have always loved you, and will always love you, for all the interminable ages of the world."

I snorted through my hysterical tears, but not even my anger could force me to try and get away from his embrace. "Yeah, right. I get it. You're here because you feel guilty that I tried to kill myself. I would have done it, too, if you hadn't stopped me. Then I would be past all this crap…I'm so unutterably _tired_, Edward. Don't you realize that? I'm so exhausted that I don't even know which way is up anymore! You keep doing this to me, and I can't keep healing. I'm all shattered inside."

A part of me was wildly happy to be here with him, despite my anger and fear of being left behind again. But I still held myself back from the happiness as much as I possibly could. I couldn't allow that delight to rule me. It would just make trying to survive infinitely more difficult when he inevitably left me again. To even hope that he would stay with me was a stupidity worthy of its own category in the Denial Olympics, and I just couldn't do it.

He held me close until my crying faded a little…well, faded enough for me to hear him, anyway. "You think I'm here because I feel guilty? Is that truly what you believe, Isabella?" He chuckled a little, but the laugh was without humor: sardonic and cold. "You're right, I do feel guilty. Intensely so. But that isn't why I'm here. Didn't you hear me a moment ago? I came back because I love you, because I never want to be parted from you again."

He could tell by my face that I didn't believe it. He switched tactics. "Bella…_why_ did you try to kill yourself? Just explain it to me. The letter in your pocket didn't elucidate on all the gruesome circumstances of this latest escapade." I heard him growl at the thought of my letter despite his smooth words.

I sniffled pathetically. "It's all quite simple, really. I'm surprised that you're still confused about it. My husband…well, I guess he's my ex-husband now, to be precise…anyway, Jacob imprinted. He's a werewolf, in case you didn't know that. We got married a year ago, like you wanted me to, but he imprinted on somebody else. Her name is Dani. He didn't love me anymore, although I knew that he wanted to. You can't help imprinting, so I don't blame him. I didn't blame him, but what other choice did I have, Edward? I divorced Jacob to make him free for Dani and I left. It was all for the best—with me gone, he could be with Dani and not have to watch me suffer. It would kill him to think that he had hurt me. I couldn't stay anymore in Forks, surely you can understand that much…I couldn't put that burden on him or on Charlie. I've put them through enough. I never wanted to be bad for Jacob, like I was for you…and I couldn't go on living alone. Death seemed like the best choice at the time. I couldn't be with you, and I wasn't good for anyone. I was wasted space. The only way to get out of that miserable cycle was to remove myself from it completely."

When I stopped rambling, I realized that Edward stiffened again in the way I remembered, the way he did when he was trying to keep some strong emotion from me in order to spare my feelings. "Bella, I want to make something abundantly clear here and now." He put his ear close to my ear, making me dizzy from the scent of his sweet breath, but he didn't allow me to wriggle away. His voice had all the seriousness and sincerity of Fate. "Listen to me, Bella Swan. _You were never bad for me._"

I couldn't believe this, no matter how sincere he sounded. "Sure, sure," I replied, using Jacob's favorite phrase unconsciously. "It's okay, Edward, really, you can tell me the truth. You were tired of me, tired of me being the frail little human that always needed saving. You're just saying all stuff about loving me because I'm weak and you don't want me to die for some reason, probably guilt. I don't blame you for leaving me, Edward," I assured him hastily. "I always knew that I wasn't enough to hold you. I would have thought that I could hold Jacob for at least a little while, but you can see how that attempt worked out. I'm just cursed, I guess."

"Stop it, Bella! You are not cursed!" He snapped. I rolled my eyes at him. He hadn't exactly proved that idea to me.

He gently manipulated my chin so that I was looking up at him. "I was never tired of you, Bella. You are under a misapprehension as to the reasons why I left you, which is my own fault, really. I love you with everything in me. These past three years have been unceasing agony. What little humanity I had left died inside me the day I left you."

"I. Don't. Understand," I said flatly.

His eyes gazed deeply into mine, pinning down every extraneous thought until I could only focus on him, on his relentless words. "I'm a good liar, Bella. I've had to be. There in that forest that horrible day, I lied through my teeth about wanting to go away. When I said that I didn't love you, Bella, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy. I was lying and for that I apologize. I'm so sorry, my Bella. You didn't deserve that pain at all. You didn't deserve any of the agony I brought you. I was just trying, in my own stupid, inept way, to do the best thing for you. Once again, I tried to force what I thought was best for you on you without your consent. I keep making the same mistake again and again, don't I?" he said ruefully.

"I thought if I left your life, you would have a chance at another kind of life, a chance at normalcy and safety. Your soul would be safe from this eternal night that traps me and my family. But…for all my lofty goals and honorable intentions, I couldn't quite leave you, not all the way. It's destroyed us both in a hideous manner. I know that it must be hard to see past your own pain, Bella, but these past three years have been a time of darkness, of unceasing torture to me as well. I more or less literally curled up in a ball and let the misery take me. You at least tried to survive for Charlie's sake. But me…why do you think I'm here now?"

"Because you _want_ to be, apparently," I retorted bitterly. The selfish jerk, to think that he could waltz in and out of my life again without causing any damage, without any consequences for his past actions…to think he could dazzle me again…don't be dazzled Bella, resist…

"Exactly," he purred, undeterred by the unusual venom in my words. If anything, he seemed to think he deserved it. "Because I want to be, because I _have_ to be here. My entire body rebels at the thought of moving a single inch away from you at this moment, at _any_ moment for the rest of our lives. Bella, I've been watching you for two years now. I could only stay away completely for a year. When I came back, you were planning a wedding with…with Jacob Black."

His voice shook with hatred at Jacob's name, which he swiftly controlled for my sake. Same old Edward, trying to keep me from knowing any pain that he could possibly spare me. Warmth sprang up in my heart. It felt good to be taken care of again, even if I couldn't believe that it would last for long.

"I, who knew you inside and out, could tell that you weren't happy, even with the mongrel's love to help. But I thought that you had every chance to find your happiness again now that I was gone from your life. Jacob did seem to honestly love you, despite the obvious drawbacks of his being a werewolf. I had no choice but to stay out of the life that you had laboriously built out of the shattered piece of what I had done to you. I stayed in the shadows, thinking my absence was the best thing for you. I had no right to come back into your life and disrupt things yet again. Besides, I could barely stand to fathom all that you had gone through in the first place. I came across Charlie a few times, and some of your other friends, and learned of your suffering when I'd left you…Oh, my darling, if only I could take all of your pain for you! I can't believe that with all my care, I caused you such agony. That was something I vowed to never do again, and I did it so thoroughly that…that…" He grabbed my hand gently and kissed each finger individually. "You have to believe that I'd never wanted to do that to you. I thought our leaving would do you good, not cause such despair."

I nuzzled my head against his shoulder, finding that I was unable to keep maintaining my distance. He was starting to convince me of the reasons for his presence, but I wasn't quite there yet. After all, he was still sounding distinctly guilty. I wanted to hear love, not remorse.

Something bothered me, though. He said he'd never left. Why would he hole up here in Forks like a rat in a trap? Why would he stay around here when I was engaged, when it looked as if I would make it without him in my life? He probably meant he hadn't left the state or something. That had to be it, I decided. "Where have you been staying, anyway?" I asked casually. "Seattle? Los Angeles, maybe?"

"No," Edward said with a very strange smile. "I told you that I'd never left you since that one year, Bella, and I meant it. I've been staying here in this house. Carlisle and the others come to see me on the weekends that they can get away from work and school. They've mostly been living up in Alaska and Canada. We never go anywhere near Forks' city limits when we're here in large numbers, and we've managed to cover our scent pretty capably if I do say so myself. I don't think even the wolves know that I've been here all this time, though I'm still astounded that Jacob hasn't smelled me. He always seemed so unnaturally suspicious. Maybe his failure was to due the fact that I was only near you when you were in our meadow, and even then I was always careful to be downwind so that you couldn't carry the scent home with you."

"You were there in the meadow with me all those times, not just that once a few days ago?" I asked, sudden delight springing audibly into my voice. All those conversations to the empty air, when I'd felt as if he were so close…and to think he'd heard them, every one…

Something was happening to me against my will. My mind started to present an idea that was too big for me to grasp yet, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I was fully cognizant of it.

"Yes," Edward told me firmly, seemingly encouraged by the lift in my voice. "Whenever you were in the meadow, I was there, too. You always told Jacob when you were going hiking, and I'd been keeping an ear open for his thoughts. I'd learned of imprinting by then, and it had me fairly concerned. After all, he'd never imprinted on you. The possibility was there that even after you two were married, he would imprint on someone else. I had to make sure that you wouldn't be left again. I'm sorry if I was intruding, but I kept tabs on his thoughts. In that way, though, I was always able to be at the meadow when you were.

"It ripped my silent heart open every single time you said good-bye to me," he confessed, "but you had no way of knowing that I really could hear you when you spoke. I'm sorry…I shouldn't have returned to Forks in the first place, I suppose," he said thoughtfully. "It was nothing but pure selfishness on my part. I couldn't bear the idea of going through all that time with never a sight of your beautiful eyes, without the sound of your sweet voice in my ears, or the scent of your skin, your hair. I just had to make sure that you were safe, that you were happy in the life you had made. I couldn't stand the idea of you being unprotected, werewolves or no werewolves. They are far too volatile to be reliable in my opinion."

He ran a finger down my nose and gently traced my eyebrows. Feathery tremors ran up and down my body in response to his touch. I smiled hesitantly at him, but I remained bewildered by all that was running through my head. Did it truly mean what I thought it did…could I bear it?

"So you see, Bella, I really have loved you all along. I haven't left you. My heart, such as it is, has always been with you and only with you. You have lit up my life, as a meteor would light up the night sky. My eyes can't adjust to the darkness any longer, not now that I have experienced all that you are. I don't belong to myself anymore. I haven't since the day that I first saw you. It isn't because your blood calls to me; it's _you_ that keeps me. I love you so much, my own Bella."

The idea exploded in my head as if it were a supernova, throwing my whirling thoughts into an unexpected order. He loved me. _He loved me!_ He'd loved me enough to try to help me get another life, enough to stick around and make sure that I was all right even when I wasn't with him.

The certainty filled me as it never had before. For the first time in my life, I truly believed that Edward Cullen loved me. It wasn't because he felt sorry for me; it wasn't because I was warm and soft. He loved me for all that I was, my clumsiness and absurdity and all my thoughts. My heart sped up with the certainty of it—I was loved. I belonged in his arms, even if I belonged nowhere else in the universe. This truly was my time for happiness, when I thought that I'd never experience it again.

As I came back to myself, I realized that Edward was saying pleadingly, "Bella? Are you all right? Say something to me, my love." I must have been silent and brooding for much longer than I'd thought.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I didn't mean to scare you," I gasped, still overwhelmed by the strength of my conviction. "I just had an epiphany."

He raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to share it with him.

"You really do love me, don't you?" My voice was soft, hesitant. The hope was there, just waiting to be confirmed. All I needed was a word or two, and then I truly would be utterly lost in my optimism.

He held me even closer to his chest, pressing his lips in quick kisses all over my face. "Truly, I do. I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you, Bella; I promise you that with everything within me. I will never leave you again, I vow it. I'll earn back your trust. I will prove myself to you again, if it's my final act."

"Just stay with me," I said peacefully as I reached up to kiss him, all my anger gone. I was deeply glad that he hadn't let me kill myself now that I knew what my life would hold from now on—true love in all its meanings and wonders and power. "You staying will be enough proof for me."

We drifted together in a mindless haze for a long time. We did silly things, like tracing each other's faces with our fingers. He flinched when he felt the lines of pain and weariness along my eyes and lips. "I put these here, on your dear face, Bella. My darling, I'm so sorry. How can you possibly love a monster like me?"

"Stop apologizing, please, Edward. You had help with these lines, after all. Time and Jacob were every bit as effective as you were. My only regret is that these lines separate me even further from you. Besides, none of that matters any longer," I said serenely. "I'll grow young again, now that I'm with you. I've left my old life behind for the rest of time, no matter how long that is. Nothing holds me to that world I've left at all. You are the only tie left in my life, and I love you. You're no monster. You're my angel. You're my miracle."

"Bosh...for someone so intuitive, Bella, you never could see yourself or me in the right lights. As for things holding you to life…you don't still feel the urge to kill yourself, do you?" he asked hesitantly, eyeing me critically. It was all I could do to keep from smirking. "Because I'll keep you locked up in this room if I have to, just in case the suicidal tendency comes on you again. You aren't ever going to be leaving me, especially not by your own hand."

I laughed, for what seemed like the first time in a very, very long time. "Nope, I've got all that nonsense out of my system. Don't worry. You're irreparably stuck with me. I'm not letting you go again, whether you want to leave me or not."

"I never, will, Bella. Believe that with all your heart, just as you believe that I love you. If only you could believe that I _can't_ leave you…"

I sighed. "I'll try. I can't promise that I'll succeed, but I'll do my best."

I felt his body trembling around me as he held me close to his heart. "If I live a thousand years, I'll never forgive myself for leaving you. If I'd known that it would drive you to such depths…I'm the very worst of creatures. I don't deserve this happiness."

"Shush, love," I said gently "I thought we'd already settled the question of you being a monster. You're not one, discussion over." There was something so satisfying about me soothing him. It was nice to know that I could be strong for him even when I couldn't be strong for myself. "We've both made mistakes, Edward, and we've therefore been equally stupid. We committed the cardinal error and underestimated our love for each other. We never will again, will we?"

"Never again, my Bella. I can't believe that I thought we could live without each other. My actions were the height of stupidity and conceit. You are my everything. Never forget that, sweetheart." He ran his hand down my side. I snuggled my head more firmly under his chin and sighed in contentment.

"I've missed your touch so much. You're my everything, too. Besides, Edward, everybody deserves happiness. Nobody should go through life without love." I thought of Dani. I found that thinking about her and Jacob didn't hurt at all, now. Not now, when I was being held by Edward. Inside myself, I wished Dani and Jacob all the happiness in the world. It would never match my own.

At some point, I fell asleep. I slept dreamlessly for the first time in three years, never screaming from terror or pain even once. Why should I fear anything? I was in the arms of my love. I would live, and the rest of my life would be every bit as sweet as the last few years had been bitter. The sun had set on my time with Jacob. I was ready to greet the night, a night full of stars, with Edward.


	9. Constellation

Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't bother asking

Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't bother asking. If I owned it, I would have to teach piano lessons for a living.

A/N: Sorry about the delay—got busy writing a later chapter and I kind of forgot. Hey, at least I got it up today!By the way, does anybody know Renee's married name? Just wondering…if nobody knows, I'll have to make something up for later. Hope that you're enjoying, and keep up with the lovely reviews!

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My recovery was brutally slow to me, despite what Carlisle said to the contrary. To my surprise, I found that my body had been far more broken down by my years of sorrow and unending pain than it had been by even my latest flirtation with death's door. To Edward's remorse and my own acute chagrin, I discovered that my strength was just not what it used to be. I doubted that it ever would be returned to me in full measure, at least not until Edward truly made me his own. Vampire venom would heal me as no medicine ever could.

Still, that fact didn't change anything at the moment. Daily naps were now an accepted part of my schedule, and somebody was always trying to force some kind of vitamin or medication or food down my throat. My heart beat curiously fast sometimes, and it would have frightened me if I'd been capable of fear. No matter how strangely my body behaved, I discovered that I truly didn't care—after all, I was blissfully happy. What did the loss of my health matter when I had the return of my life?

We were no longer staying at the beautiful white house outside of Forks. The day after I woke up from my long and blissful sleep, Edward wrapped me securely in soft blankets, even though it wasn't that cold outside. It seemed as if I was always cold now, although I tried not to let Edward see it—he'd feel badly about holding me if he knew. In any case, he lifted me carefully in his arms, and carried me out to Carlisle's sleek Mercedes that was waiting for us in the driveway.

Carlisle sat smiling through the rearview mirror at us in the driver's seat, while Alice followed behind Carlisle, driving Edward's beloved silver Volvo for him. The Volvo's owner was sitting on the leather backseat with me, contentedly holding me close to his silent heart.

It was sheer bliss in my humble opinion.

It had been decided that in-between my abrupt disappearance from the planet and the sudden upswing in vampires present in Forks, the best thing would be for us to all get out of the area before the wolves caught their scent and came to investigate its cause. I never wanted Jacob to connect my absence with the Cullens' presence—that would just induce him to gather the pack and come after us in some misguided effort to "rescue me." I couldn't stand that, especially if it came to a fight. It would obliterate everything I'd worked for. All that I'd sacrificed my life and happiness to preserve that dark day in the meadow would be lost if Jacob and Charlie discovered the truth about me now. They were better off believing that I was deceased or lost than learning that I'd thrown my lot in with the undead.

Nestled in an enormous stone house in the untamed beauty of the Alaskan wilderness, I was finally reunited with the rest of the Cullen family. When we arrived, I found that Esme had already prepared a soft bed in Edward's room for me with crisp white sheets and an effusion of fluffy down pillows. She'd taken my head into her cold hands and kissed my forehead as a mother kisses her beloved daughter after a long separation. It felt almost as good to me as Edward's touch. It had been too long since I'd been held by a mother, and Esme was more of a mother now to me than Renee had been in a long time.

"Welcome home, dear," she told me softly.

Edward settled me in the bed and I collapsed against the pillows, exhausted by the journey. "Go to sleep, Bella, please," Edward told me. I was fighting with all my might and main to stay awake in order to see everything around me, driven by the curiosity born of a new place. I grabbed his hand in a mute appeal. "Don't worry—I won't leave you. You can see everyone else when you wake, I promise. Sleep, my only love." He took me into his arms and started to hum the lullaby that he'd written me all those years ago. Tears came into my eyes at the sweetness of the melody, every bit as beautiful as I had remembered it being, but I couldn't fight the sleep away any longer.

I had the oddest dream as I slept in that strange house that was also, just as strangely, more truly my home than Charlie's or Renee's houses had ever been. In my dream, I was flying in the night again. This time, though, the night was full of stars, not a castle. I examined the stars more closely and realized that there were seven of them. I suddenly knew instinctively that these stars were Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Carlisle, and my own beloved Edward. Suddenly, there was a great swell of a beautiful music that harkened back to Edward's lullaby for me, but even more magnificent and caressing. There was a sensation like small bubbles popping all over me, and then I, too, was shining as brightly as my family. I took my place next to Edward in the constellation, and we hung there together in the night sky, united for all eternity.

When I awoke, I found that Edward was gone from the room despite his earlier promise and that Alice had taken his place by my side. I was hardly ever alone anymore—it was as if they were afraid that I'd disappear again. I certainly wasn't going to complain; I'd been alone enough to last me a lifetime. Scratch that, make it an eternity.

I missed Edward, but I was glad to see Alice. She and I had had small enough time to talk since being reunited, and our reunion had been a little odd, anyway. I felt badly about the fact that she'd been forced to watch me die through her vision, but it didn't change the joy in my heart that her vision hadn't come true. I used to be so angry when something didn't happen—I was unspeakably glad this time. Now we could finally catch up a little, without me worrying about whether what I was saying would upset Edward or not. I was so hungry for her friendship and understanding now, even more than ever before.

"Hi there, Alice," I said with a smile when I saw her sitting patiently beside me. "Saw me waking up, huh?"

"Actually, I did," Alice replied with a smile that reached right up into her wise golden eyes. "Don't worry about Edward—he's just out hunting with Emmett and Jasper. He said to tell you he'd be back before you even got the chance to miss him. He was babbling on about breaking a promise to you or something like that, but Carlisle said that if he didn't go hunting today, he was going to go over Edward's head and make Emmett drag him out. Edward wasn't eager for a fight, so he did as he was told."

"Good," I said automatically, fighting down my need for him with a steady determination. "He needed to go hunt. He was looking so thirsty, poor guy. Did he get anything?" I asked, well aware of the fact that Alice would already know.

"Yup," she chirped. "Two mountain lions. And Emmett got a bear, so he'll be much easier to live with for a week or two at least." She went silent, then, despite the humor that had been in her voice only a minute before.

I looked around the room to amuse myself as I waited for Alice to gather her thoughts. The space was a close replica of Edward's old bedroom back in Forks, with its golden carpet and enormous cd collection. Only now there was a bookcase that held all of my books, and my clothes were hung beside Edward's in the closet. The bed, which Edward would never need, and where I spent so much of my time now, was tucked away into a corner.

Perhaps the strangest additions to the room were the bottles of medicine arranged as unobtrusively as possible on the bedside table. If it was possible, they looked a little ashamed of themselves, as if they instinctively knew that no one in this house had ever needed their aid before and that they served a much weaker person that didn't really belong. They were wrong—I did belong with Edward. Whether I belonged in this house or not remained to be seen.

Alice cleared her throat then, and I looked over at her to show that I was listening. "You scared the hell out of all of us, Bella," she said bluntly.

"Gee, Alice, way to beat around the bush," I said lightly, pulling myself up into a sitting position and leaning against the wall as I gazed steadily back at her. "I'm sorry, all right? I did the best that I could. I never meant to disappoint you or the others, or to worry anyone, but…you can't know how horrible it was." I shuddered at the memories. "Living each day…it was so exhausting, and painful. I may not have been strong enough on my own, but I truly tried not to cause anyone any pain by my suffering. I tried, really I did. It…it wasn't easy."

Her face softened a little at my words. "I imagine that it wasn't. And I know better than most that you tried to survive. I never told Edward about the flashes I saw of you from time to time…he would have killed me for going against orders, or himself from the guilt. He wanted me to leave you alone after we left, you know, but that's much easier said than done. I was already sensitive to you, and I couldn't help keeping an eye on you when we couldn't be there in person anymore. You're my friend."

I smiled at her, thrilled beyond words at this simple phrase. "Still, I've never before felt more helpless in my life, Bella. I could see you suffering, and I couldn't help you at all." She grimaced. "But when I saw you dying in that meadow…I knew that how terribly wrong we all had been in leaving you. I should have argued more with Edward, maybe tried harder to reason with him. If I'd seen this coming, I would have." Alice shifted uncomfortably in her seat, and then looked deeply, pleadingly, into my eyes. "For my part in your suffering, Bella, I ask your forgiveness. I crave it."

I laughed a little and patted the bed beside me in mute invitation. She danced over and crawled next to me and put her arm around my shoulders. I never ceased to marvel at how comfortable stone molded to your own shape really could be.

"Silly Alice. There's nothing to forgive. It's nobody's fault that I was so stupid and weak. I shouldn't have done what I did, but I truly didn't know what else to do at the time. I was insane from the grief and pain, I think. I believed that I was acting rationally, but looking back, I can see how skewed my thinking really was."

"Why?" Alice whispered, obviously struggling with whether she should really be asking this or not. "Why did you do it, Bella? I can see your actions before you do them, yes, but I can't see the motivations behind them."

I shrugged. "I couldn't live without Edward, not without a little help from somebody. It was as simple as that. Jacob was my best friend, and more. He was my lifeline. Once he left me, it was all she wrote."

I shivered again, remembering those dark days when Jacob had stopped loving me. Alice's arm tightened comfortingly around me. Unconsciously I looked at the clock on the bedside table, calculating how long Edward had been gone and wondering how much longer it would be until my heart could rest again. I stopped my thoughts. This was pathetic…

I put my attention back on Alice. She still looked so unbelievably sad—I wanted to comfort her as much as I could.

"Still, it all worked out for the best, right?" I reminded her with a bright smile. "I've lost my health, but gained a family. I've lost my old home, but gained a far better one in its stead. I truly can't ask for anything more. It's more than I deserve, but it's all I want, all I've _ever_ wanted."

Alice shook her head. "Just like Edward always told us—you never could see yourself clearly. You deserve more in this world than what you've been given, Bella. But maybe we can call if your own personal refining fire, if you'd like. It's definitely more pleasant sounding than the ever-cheerful 'your stupid suicide attempt.'" She laughed merrily, the sadness gone from her eyes now, to my relief. "You've been through the furnace, Bella. Now's the time for our little jewel to shine."

"It certainly is."

I looked up at the sound of Edward's voice as my heart started beating normally again, an enormous smile spreading over my face before I was even conscious of it. He was leaning in the doorway, looking tenderly at me and Alice. Edward's eyes were a deep liquid gold again, and they made me feel very peaceful and safe.

I held out a hand to him and half a second later he was there, gathering me up in his arms. I heard him sigh deeply. "Poor Bella…you still look so wan and pale. What can I do to help? Is there anything at all I can get you?"

"Nothing," I replied as I snuggled closer into his embrace, shutting my eyes in contentment. I forgot that Alice was there at all. "I have everything I need right here. I only need you."

"Awwww, nothing quite like a saptastic moment," came a teasing voice from across the room that I hadn't been at all expecting.

My eyes snapped open and I saw that Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper were all standing there in the doorway of the bedroom, considering me as if I were a highly interesting specimen in biology class…or as if I were a priceless treasure that had been misplaced, and then found again against all the odds.

"Emmett! Jasper! Rosalie!" I squealed, overjoyed at the sight of them. They all looked exactly the same as they had three years ago when I'd last seen them. I realized then how hungry I had been for the sight of them. My longing for my friends had been swallowed up in the great desire for my love, but it had always been there below the surface.

Suddenly, I found myself wondering how I looked to them. I had undoubtedly changed, for the better or for worse. I knew that I was thinner and older looking now than I had been at the age of eighteen. In terms of years, I was older than most of them now. How would that alter how they viewed me?

Apparently not at all, judging by their reactions.

"They're just as sickening as they always were, aren't they?" Emmett asked of the universe in general, raising his hands in supplication when I continued to cling to Edward. You could always rely on Emmett to cheapen a sentimental moment. "I'd forgotten. Guess I have to get used to it all over again." He sighed as if this would be a great task, perhaps even too much for his own enormous strength.

Rosalie's hand connected with the back of her husband's head with a loud cracking noise. Emmett winced theatrically, rubbing his head at the rebuke. Still, I'm certain that I saw Rosalie wink at him, and Emmett grinned back boldly, knowing that he was already forgiven.

They were soon all sitting around my bed, everybody talking at the same time. I laughed and enjoyed the bedlam; it was so much better than the empty silence that had filled my days before now.

It didn't take me long to learn that Emmett and Rosalie had returned only last week from their fiftieth "honeymoon" in Morocco, and that Jasper had just completed earning his degree in philosophy. They were all planning to take a year or so off of their various school schedules and duties, in order to enjoy loafing around Alaska. They'd all done so much schooling lately that they felt that a break was in order. After all, high school is _so_ exhausting, as Rosalie put it with a bored yawn which she covered with her perfectly manicured fingers.

My whole escapade was discussed as if it had been a grand sort of adventure and not at all a near-tragedy. Edward stiffened up when Emmett tactlessly asked about my past three years, but I sent him a stern look warning him that he'd better behave himself. Emmett was just being himself, and I blessed him for it. It was almost as if nothing had really changed over the past three years when he continued to tease me about my frail humanity. I wasn't ashamed anymore of my actions, misguided though they were, and Edward should know that I didn't blame him for anything that had happened. I answered all of their questions eagerly, not sparing the details that they craved.

Rosalie condescended herself to look vaguely impressed at the way I'd disposed of my truck in the ravine, and Emmett enjoyed making the noises he imagined it had made in crashing on the bottom. "Man, life was sure boring without you, Bella!" he laughed. I took it as a compliment—after all, it was out of Emmett's nature to be anything other than totally honest.

Alice nodded approvingly from my description of how I had laid a credit card trail that would make it seem like I had actually gone to Arizona to live and work for the next year. "Nobody will even know the difference until your landlord comes looking for next year's rent!" Alice crowed, patting me on the head patronizingly.

While we talked, Jasper flooded the room with a deep serenity that made any pain that the memories brought back disappear in a flash. I was grateful to Jasper for his forethought—the calm would help Edward relax, too, and prolong the time I was allowed to have with my surrogate family.

But all too soon, Edward laid two cold fingers on my wrist and counted my pulse. I knew from the deeply disapproving look on his face that it was too fast.

"All right, everybody out for a bit," he ordered. "Bella needs some rest now." To my great surprise nobody, not even Emmett or Alice, bothered arguing with him. They usually weren't quite this…obedient. They must have heard that note of utter authority in Edward's voice that always stilled any protests automatically.

"I'll see you all soon!" I told them brightly as they promenaded out of my room, as unnaturally graceful as they had always been. "Just let me escape from this old tyrant first." I winked at Edward to reassure him, and he grinned back at me—we both knew that I had absolutely no desire to escape from Edward's presence, overprotective though he was undoubtedly was sometimes. After all, I really did need tending this time around, and if he wanted to do the tending, I certainly wasn't going to argue.

Rosalie, the last one out the door, turned the light switch off as she left. She sent me a sincerely kind smile as she did so that I could see by the light that filtered in from the hallway. I stared at her in surprise. "Sweet dreams, Bella," she told me softly. "We'll be here when you wake up again." Then she, too, was gone, closing the door softly behind her.

When the room was quiet and dark once more, Edward helped me to lie down again on the bed, quickly joining me there before I'd even had to ask. He got on top of the covers, though, so that I would be protected from the chill of his skin. I was amazed and a little chagrined at how exhausted I felt from the small exertion of merely talking with his siblings for an hour or so.

Still, I laughed delightedly when I discovered that the bed's sheets had all been mysteriously changed. Alice or Rosalie must have done it while I was sitting in Edward's lap while he rocked me, listening to everyone's account of our time apart.

I sighed when the laughter in my throat died down. I could get used to being this spoiled _far_ too easily.

Edward looked at me quizzically when I sighed. Smiling, I wrapped his arms around me. "I'm so happy now, Edward. Leah was right; I guess I _did_ need new sights and experiences," I quipped. "All of the unhappiness, the betrayal, the struggle to be strong for everyone else…it's just a faint memory to me now. I'm not even sorry for the pain. Can you believe it? But I'm not. The pain lead me right here to this moment. I wouldn't have been here otherwise. To be here with you and your family is like being in heaven. It's like living in the castle of my vision." I had already told Edward all about my delirious hallucination of the shining white castle that I'd had when I'd been so close to death just a few days before.

"Well, I cringe at even the thought of that benighted castle of yours, but I'm glad to find that you're so happy," he replied, kissing my forehead lightly. "It's no more than you deserve. I could stay like this forever myself," he admitted unashamedly. "After these past few years of loneliness and regret, to have you here in my arms again is like a miracle come to life."

The time had come, I felt, to have a serious conversation. I knew that he wouldn't bring it up, so it was obviously up to me. I gazed up at him. "I _want_ to stay like this forever, Edward, but we both know that I can't."

He gaped at me, not understanding what I was trying to tell him. I hurried to explain. "Not like this, I mean. It's not like when I was seventeen and young and just beginning to fall in love with you. I was strong then, able to stay awake for more than two straight hours at a time. I've changed so much in the interim years, and I can't even be as much for you now as I was then. Not that I was anything at all then, either. It just isn't fair to you."

My voice broke a little, as much as I had tried to restrain the emotion. How could I hope to hold him now that I was older and broken? The familiar panic set in for a minute before I could remind myself that Edward loved me. I was sure of that much, at least. "I know that you love me, but I couldn't even hang on to your back for very long now, Edward, if you wanted to take me somewhere."

"Then I'll carry you," he replied, looking concerned at this sudden mood change. "I hate seeing you this weak, but it gives me the excuse to hold you all the time. Don't even think about what's fair and what's not, because it doesn't matter in the least to me. You are my entire life, and I feel privileged to take care of you in this way," he told me, squeezing my arm gently. "I certainly fed you to the wolves for the past three years. This being able to take care of you again is truly a joy to me. You know I won't leave you ever again, Bella."

"But _I_ will leave _you_, Edward. Someday I'll be all alone again." A tear slid down my cheek. He wiped it hastily away. "When are we going to talk about it, Edward? You and I both know that there's only one solution left to us now." I looked at him hard, almost sternly. "You have to bite me. I know it and you know it."

I felt him shudder beside me at the thought. "I don't want to do that unless there's no other option available to us, Bella. Your soul is far too important to gamble with. Only in a time of total necessity would I do that to you."

"Like when I'm on my deathbed? You've missed that option time and time again, and I don't buy it as an excuse anymore. There is no other option now, Edward! This is that time of total necessity. We'll still be parted one day if you keep me alive for the sake of my soul. I'm going to die, and not even you can stop it."

"I'll follow you as soon as I can, Bella. You have my promise on that, too."

I rolled my eyes. "That is seriously _sick_, Edward. And it's also completely unnecessary. Heaven, hell—none of it holds any draw for me. Only you. I know that you're wrapped up in this whole idea of the soul and whether you have one or not, but I think that it's all a load of crap that works as a very convenient loophole to keep you from changing me." I couldn't hide the hurt in my voice despite my best efforts. I just couldn't hide from Edward.

"How can you say that?" Edward whispered urgently. "How can you say any of it is untrue without knowing for sure whether or not you'll be damned for all eternity if I change you? To change you would be the ultimate act of selfishness on my part. I've never wanted anything so badly, Bella, I swear that's the truth. But to take away your life and your chance for heaven would be the absolute worst thing I could ever do, and I've done some pretty terrible things. I won't be responsible for the loss of your soul. I refuse to do that to you, after I've damaged so much already."

"In all likelihood, Edward, I'm already damned anyway without any help from you," I said bluntly with a shrug of my shoulders. "There are some general rules about this sort of thing, apparently, and I've broken most of them. I've lied. I've been disrespectful to my parents. I've envied what other people have. I've been divorced. I've fabricated my own death, which is fraud. And then, there's the big one: I attempted to kill myself, which is murder in some people's opinion. I'd say that my chances are pretty slim when it comes to heavenly bliss."

He looked at me, disapproving, but I ignored that. "Besides," I turned to breathe in his scent, "heaven for me is here in your arms. If you take the chance away from me to stay here with you for all eternity, I truly will be damned to hell. I'm not being melodramatic or hysterical right now, Edward. That's simply the way it is."

He was silent for a long, long time.

Finally, he spoke, his voice sounding as old and worn as time itself. "I still don't like it, Bella. It seems like pure selfishness on my part, and I know that I'll never been able to forgive myself if I do it. But…once you've regained some of your strength…I'm willing to discuss it. Will that be good enough?"

This was better, but we weren't there yet. "No dice, Edward. I could get run over tomorrow by a runaway grizzly and then the decision wouldn't be made. You'd all be sitting there with your hands in your pockets as I died while Emmett finished off the bear for his dinner."

He rolled his eyes, but I took his chin into my hand. "Here and now is all we have, Edward. You and I have got to work through this with this time that we _know_ that we have. Until we do get past this issue, it's just going to be a wall of contention between us. I've lived without you for about as long as I can stand—I refuse to let this be between us when the last three years already are."

"Bella…." he said pleadingly, trying to dazzle me with his molten gold eyes. "Please…I could kill you. Don't you remember that?"

"No, you couldn't," I stated. "My blood doesn't bother you anymore, remember?"

I could tell by his face that he'd thought I hadn't heard that, so his excuse was void. I set my jaw, showing my utter determination. He wouldn't dazzle his way out of this conversation if I could at all help it.

Yawning right then certainly didn't help my cause, though. Stupid, weak, traitor of a body…

Edward knew that it would be utterly useless to just tell me to go to sleep, so the low-down sneak manipulated me into it. He rubbed relaxing, rhythmic circles on my back and hummed my lullaby in his soft, sultry voice. The room was dark and cool, and the bed was so soft. I was doomed this time.

Knowing that resistance was futile, I surrendered and fell asleep, leaving him alone with his thoughts.


	10. Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I'd be driving Rosalie's car

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I'd be driving Rosalie's car. Not my junker.

A/N: A little shorter than usual, but it's a semi calm before the storm type thing. Lots of lovely fluff and Bella/Edward arguing. Keep up the reviews; they're keeping me from being too pathetic at the moment. Enjoy!

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It was dark outside when I woke up from my nap. I was alone in my room for once, which was odd. I didn't have too long to ponder about it, though. The door opened silently and Edward came in, easily balancing with one hand a tray that held a bowl of creamy potato soup and some fruit. "Good evening, love," he told me with a smile. "You look better. Would you like something to eat?"

I stretched luxuriously, yawning, and sat up. "I feel a little better, I guess. You'd think I'd be feeling stronger by now, but c'est la vie. Thanks for the dinner. I'm feeling a slightly hungry for once. Shocker, huh?"

"Shocking, forsooth. I'm pleased to see you finally showing some semblance of an appetite again. I'd never thought I'd see the day when I'd be glad to even see you eating some of that disgusting cereal mess you're so fond of, but I believe it has finally arrived." He shook his head in disbelief.

Edward sat down carefully and proceeded to feed me himself. I laughed at first, but I soon saw that he enjoyed it as much as I did. Perhaps it should come as little surprise to anyone that I submitted to his ministrations without complaint.

When I was done with my meal, he picked me up and carried me to the rocking chair that sat next to an enormous window in our room. I liked nothing better than to be rocked in the chair by that window with Edward. I loved to watch the world I thought I'd left forever still go on past the glass. We were far enough away from any cities that the stars shone brilliantly in the night sky. I was able to see constellations that I'd only read about in books. It was absolutely beautiful.

We sat quietly for a while before Edward said slowly, "So, I've been thinking."

"That's good," I teased. "We wouldn't want the old noggin to get atrophied. I'd hate to see you with needles all over you like they did to Neo in _The Matrix_."

He rolled his eyes. "Ha, ha, Bella. It's nice to see that sleep and food rejuvenates your sense of humor. Now be quiet, please, I'm being serious."

I sobered immediately at his words, or at least I tried to. It was so hard to be good when I was feeling marginally better. "All right, Edward, I'll bite. Oh, the irony!"

He glared at me. I looked at him with all the innocence I could muster and asked contritely, "What were you thinking about?"

He sighed. "I was thinking that you were right, yet again, and that I'm wrong. Every time I've tried to act in the way that I think is best for you and your happiness, I've hurt you. I've hurt you over and over again, so deeply that I'm surprised that you can still love me as much as you do. But I do see that you love me…so you're right. I can't live without you, and I know that you need me, too. We should be together for all time. If that's what you want, then who am I deny you your happiness? You should be in charge of your own life and fate. I figure if we give you enough morphine beforehand, it shouldn't be so bad." He shuddered, but held me close.

I went as still as Edward did sometimes, absorbing this wonderful news that still didn't seem quite real to me. "Edward, I truly don't know what to say."

He peered down seriously at me. "If this is what you really want, I won't keep it from you. I want you just as much as you want me, you know. I merely didn't want to be the cause of your damnation. I do have a few…._requests_ about this whole procedure, though."

I nodded. "I can't promise you anything before I hear them, but I'll do my best to listen objectively. What are your requests?"

He ran a hand over the hollows in my cheeks. I truly was too thin now, but I just hadn't been hungry lately. "I really would like to see you a little stronger before you are changed," he told me. "You're so weak now, Bella. That wouldn't matter in the long-run, I suppose, but vampire venom, while it does heal a person, at the same time it intensifies every wound, enflames every ailment, and multiplies every ache by a thousand times. I want to reduce the pain of your transformation as much as possible. The healthier you are, the easier it will be for you. The stronger you are, the least amount of torment you'll suffer. If I can save you even that much pain, I will."

Despite his brave words, he still tightened his hold on me at the thought of my coming trial. This would have annoyed me before, but I knew now that that was just his old protectiveness. It warmed me rather than warned me.

I tilted my head up at him. "I'm no sadist, Edward. I'm as afraid of pain as the next person. I can accept this condition fairly easily, love, as long as it doesn't keep my change away for too long. I'm already so much older than you. I feel like I'm in some kind of time warp—my life's on hold while body just keeps getting older and older. I want my life to start again, Edward, and it won't unless I'm really and truly yours. Can you understand that?"

His golden eyes were sad. "Unfortunately, I can. I won't ask you to wait too long. Shall we say…six months will be the absolute limit?"

I shook my head. "Sorry, Edward. No deal; I don't want to wait that long, pain or no pain. I'd be twenty-two by then, and that just makes it worse. After all, the pain only lasts for three days. Even I can live with that, with you beside me. I was thinking more along the lines of a month, actually."

"A month? That's absurd. I offer three as an extremely generous compromise."

"Two," I countered. "That's my final offer."

He grumbled. "Oh, all right. Sold!"

After glowering darkly at each other for a long minute, Edward and I burst out laughing. "I can't believe that we're bargaining for your humanity. All right, then," he sighed. "By the end of two months' time, you'll be a monster like the rest of us Cullens. Congratulations." He still sounded depressed.

I knew what he was thinking and I intended to nip it in the bud. "Edward, don't you dare start up the guilty-I'm-stealing-her-life bit again."

He looked at me far too innocently, and I shook my finger at him. "Don't bother trying to deny it, buster, I can see you thinking it. You saw me in that meadow. Did that look like a girl with a lot of options? Did it look like a girl with a beautiful life in front of her? I did what you wanted me to do, Edward, to the very best of my ability. I graduated high school. I went to college and studied literature there. I even got married. I had all those frivolous human experiences that you think I was missing out on, and they were _totally_ empty without you. Whatever you may think, I'm ready, Edward, truly ready to join you, like I was never ready when I was younger. Renee's all right with Phil, and I have hopes for Charlie. Jacob has Dani, and the other wolves are all as okay as they possibly can be, perhaps even better now that I'm not a liability for them anymore. They have their own lives to live. I'm not putting my life on hold for anybody else any longer. It's my turn now."

I considered my words, but shrugged and continued despite them. "That may be extremely selfish, but I don't see how I could sacrifice my will for everyone else's good any more than I already have."

"I'm sorry, Bella," Edward said, appropriately chastised, looking down. With the tip of my finger, I lifted his chin so that I could look at his face and see what he was really thinking.

To my surprise, I could see a little bit of peace come into his eyes as he conceded my points. "You're right, of course. You've given enough. Now it's your turn to gain. I promise you that as soon as you're a little stronger, you'll become a Cullen. I'll even do it myself, if that's what you'd like. After all, it only seems right that I should be the one acting to make you my own." Hope flooded my entire being, and our lips met in a kiss that sealed the deal far more effectively than words.

The moment we broke apart, a strange chorus of yells and howls of joy and triumph were suddenly ripping through the enormous house. The door slammed open, and suddenly my room was swarming with the graceful bodies of Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. They were all congratulating me and making plans and berating Edward and shouting over one another. I'd never seen them in such an uproar, acting in a way totally foreign to their usually graceful ways. It was thrilling, and the only thing I could do was laugh.

"Finally!" crowed Alice as she did some kind of strange polka around my bed with Jasper. "I thought you two would never get there! If I hadn't had my vision of this, I would have completely lost hope."

"Hey!" I protested, blushing. "You guys weren't supposed to hear all that. Can't a girl have any privacy around here?"

Emmett tapped his own ear. "Vampire hearing, Bella, remember? I assure you of the fact that we don't want to hear you guys gushing anymore than you want us to hear it. Don't get all mad and stuff at us, though, you might trip." I glared at him as hard as I could, and he laughed at me. I imagine I wasn't nearly as intimidating as a bear could be, and he'd faced them down on numerous occasions. "We're just happy to see you guys finally come to an understanding, that's all. It's been a long time coming. You've both been pretty dense in my opinion," he explained.

He was right, of course, as only Emmett could be in such a situation. He delighted in pointing out the stupidity of others and was gloriously blind to his own. I loved him for that personality quirk, as often as it annoyed me.

An unfamiliar feeling of jubilation was seeping into my body, and I glanced slyly over at Jasper with a curious grin. "Sorry," he apologized when he caught me looking at him. I felt a rush of calm which my poor heart definitely appreciated. The happiness had sent it rushing madly. Edward's concerned glance in my direction pointed out the fact that he'd heard it all. Jasper quickly defended himself to us both, even though I wasn't mad. "My ability is hard to control when I'm surrounded by so much joy—it kind of washes out all reason or sanity. I think I should point out, though, that what you just felt, Bella, is what all of us feel at this precise moment."

Despite the sincerity in Jasper's voice, I wasn't so sure about that. I glanced over at Rosalie. Edward had told me yesterday about Rosalie's own personal history by her own request, and she had apologized through him, and personally a little later, for her past rudeness. I still wasn't sure where that put us in the whole relationship…thing. We hadn't really reconciled anything, as much as I understood why she had acted the way she had when we'd first met and after.

She smiled at me now as if she knew of my thoughts. "Yes, even I feel that way, Bella. Alice and Edward and Carlisle have told me about what happened back on La Push. You had that other life that I thought I wanted so badly, that I was so jealous of. I can't even imagine being ripped from it as you were. I _can_ tell you I would have acted exactly as you did, but without nearly the same amount of consideration for those around me. I probably would have taken as many of them with me as I could have, rather than preparing the way for my usurper. I'm truly glad—no, make that honored—that you're going to be my sister. I don't think you'll have as many regrets as I did about becoming a vampire, and that makes me very happy for you. Watching you go through all this has been a real wake-up call for me. I could have found happiness and lost it just as easily as a human. I can never, ever lose Emmett. We'll be together for all the endless ages of the earth, and I'll never know what it is to be alone again."

She gazed fondly at Emmett, and he trotted over to kiss her soundly. When he let her up for air, Rosalie smacked his backside fondly. "Later, honey, let me finish this." He grumbled, but shifted to her side and put his arm around her waist, waiting.

She turned back to me. "Anyway…I want to thank you for showing me all that, Bella. I needed it, more than you'll ever know." She smiled again. She was as stunningly beautiful as always, but it was somehow in a friendly way now that I wasn't afraid of her biting my head off anymore. "Welcome to the family."

That did it. The floodworks opened as I carefully got up and walked over to where Rosalie stood with Emmett. Edward stayed right by my side the whole time, supporting most of my weight as anxiously as a mother hen gathers her chicks about her.

I wrapped my thin arms around Rosalie's hard waist and hugged her. "Thank you, Rosalie." I couldn't have been any more sincere.

It had finally happened. I'd been accepted. I belonged, and it was the sweetest gift that they'd ever given me. Here, even though I was still the drab little sparrow among the doves and hawks, nobody seemed to notice or care about my inferiority. I'd come home to stay, a true member of the glittering and constant constellation.


	11. The Obituary Column

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be as clumsy—no, strike that, I would be exactly as clumsy

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be as clumsy—no, strike that, I would be exactly as clumsy. I'd just have Edward there to catch me!

A/N: Bella gets a little stupid in this chapter, but she kind of tends to do that. I hope you all enjoy it just the same! I certainly had fun writing it. Review, please, they keep me going!

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"Check-up time!"

Carlisle's gentle voice was in perfect harmony, as usual. The cadences of his greeting hit at just the right time along with the beats of his knock on the wooden door.

Edward and I looked up at the noise, our heads moving as one. We were sitting in the rocking chair together, the bedroom washed with a cheerful afternoon sunlight that streamed in through the giant window behind us. It had been cloudy for days, and we'd decided to soak up as much of the unusual phenomenon as possible. While we were doing so, Edward had been reading _Pride and Prejudice_ aloud to me, one of my personal favorites. His velvet voice, in some way, made the old story even dearer to me than it had ever previously been. It baffled me to contemplate, but he managed to get the loftiness into Mr. Darcy's tone perfectly, while Elizabeth's retorts were snappy and conflicted at the same time. Only Edward could reply as a female while using his regular voice and not make the character sound overly dramatic or idiotic.

"Oh, Carlisle, there you are—I'm so sorry, we lost all track of the time," I told the doctor cheerfully when Edward and I had pulled ourselves out of the glorious scenery of Pemberley and back into the slightly disappointing present. "Come on in, please. You know by now that you're always welcome in here."

"Thank you, Bella." He did as he was told with an amused smile, setting his black bag on my bed. He looked at me with a keen eye that I would have missed completely if I hadn't been watching him just as closely. He smirked when he realized that we were having a staring contest, but didn't comment on it. I knew that he would win anyway, so what was the point in trying?

"So, how have you been feeling, Bella? Have you noticed any changes lately?" he asked me as he came over to us.

It had become Carlisle's habit ever since our arrival in Alaska to give me a quick check-up every afternoon when he got home from his job at the local hospital's emergency room. I figured that it was all due to Edward's famed over-protectiveness, so I submitted with good grace. If it made Edward happy, then who was I to argue? He did so much for me, and I could do so little in return for him.

Besides…when I took the time to honestly think about it, I had to admit to myself that something seemed deeply wrong with me. I was even glad that I was getting checked out regularly, annoying though it could undoubtedly be whenever it interrupted Edward and I in something we were doing.

I was just so darn _tired_ all the time. My hands and feet were freezing cold no matter how well I was wrapped up in clothes and blankets; my nail beds were blue from the chill. My heart would pound and splutter strangely sometimes. This, while being business as usual if I was in Edward's presence, didn't make any sense if it happened if Alice or Rosalie was my baby-sitter while Edward was out hunting.

Still, I didn't want to voice any of these concerns in front of Edward. I would not say anything even to Carlisle, who I trusted more than just about anybody on the planet. Edward already thought that I was made of noting more substantial than spun glass—my paranoid worries would just make everything worse. It would confirm his worst suspicions of my fragility. Even though I did feel horribly fragile at the moment, I was not about to ruin his peace of mind.

"Oh, no changes to speak of, Doc," I replied lightly, carefully casual as always. "Just the same old story—tired, not hungry, blah blah blah." I made a talking motion with my hand, and Carlisle grinned against his will. "How were things at the hospital today? Did you have any interesting cases that you can share with us?" Without being told, I climbed out of Edward's lap. I rolled up the thick sleeve to my gray University of Alaska sweat shirt so that Carlisle could wrap the cuff around my arm in order to check my blood pressure.

Carlisle laughed aloud at his coming answer to my question. Edward started to snicker, too, as he heard the story in Carlisle's thoughts, so I knew that it was going to be good. "Oh, you have no idea, Bella," Carlisle smirked. "I swear, you see the strangest things in the emergency room sometimes, and we did have a very good one today. A man came in this morning that had somehow gotten a clothespin stuck right up his nose. He claimed that his pet hamster, an animal known as Mr. Sparkles, had done it because he'd forgotten to feed Mr. Sparkles his midnight snack or some such nonsense…It was all I could do to keep a straight face while I extracted the clothes pin…" Carlisle went off into the tale, sending us all into hysterical laughter.

Still, the admittedly amusing story wasn't enough to disguise the glances that Carlisle kept sending Edward when he thought I wasn't looking, nor did it enlighten me as to the reasons for the carefully smooth expression on my love's face. Instinctively, I knew that Carlisle was probably having a completely different conversation in his head with Edward than the one I was currently hearing.

We went through the same old, tired drill of _stand up, breathe deeply, cough for me, breathe once more please, sit back down, I'm going to take your temperature now…_I found myself wondering idly if I would be eligible to qualify for hazard pay for all this mess. Even guinea pigs in those inhumane medical trials got extra carrots or whatever as a treat for their pain and suffering, didn't they?

Then I looked at Edward's face as he watched my every movement and realized that I had already gotten my payment. If this was the down side of the fairy tale I'd been living for the past week, I'd take it.

I thought lazily in order to amuse myself while waiting for the thermometer to beep that it was done doings its job. The countdown was indeed on and ticking busily until the time for my conversion out of the human world. When I had been younger and faced with the idea of my change, it had been terrifying to consider. I had been facing the unknown, and I had been scared stiff that I would turn into a completely different person than the one I truly was. Now, somehow, those fears were completely at rest within me. I had already faced the worst of the unknowns, and it wasn't a different life at all. It was death itself. So becoming a mythical creature certainly didn't bother me in the least any longer. I felt ready and strong enough to face whatever came.

As to what I would become at the end of it, I was far more rational about that now than I had been before. I knew that Edward and the others would never allow me to attack another human being if they could help it. They wouldn't even let me be around humans at all until I was strong enough to resist the temptation. They loved me too much to let me stumble in that way, and I was grateful.

Something else made me feel even better, however, a fact that inexplicably made everything clear to me. Even though vampires appeared to be made of a stone more unyielding than granite, I knew now that they _could_ change. Vampires' minds were not set in stone, despite the unchanging nature of their physical bodies. Rosalie's journey towards acceptance of her fate alone exemplified that little fact.

Whatever I became, I would still be able to improve myself and become a better person, even if I were no longer exactly human. Sure, I might be bloodthirsty for a few years, as unlikely as that seemed to me right now. But that time would eventually pass, and at the end of those years, I would still be capable of growth. I wouldn't be human, but I would still be a person. Me. Bella, for all her faults, would still exist. That fact was oddly comforting to me.

Besides, all the lose ends of my human life had already been wrapped up for me, which I discovered to my intense surprise and relief. Emmett and Rosalie had journeyed down to Forks the day after the decision had finally been made to turn me into a vampire. They'd closed up the white house there completely, and had even retrieved some of my belongings from the crashed truck in the ravine.

When they got home two days ago, Rosalie was the actually one who came straight to my room. I remember that I had just woken up from one of my numerous naps. I was snuggling under the covers in bed, quietly listening to a cd of Beethoven, when Rosalie knocked softly on the door. Edward had stepped out to speak to Carlisle for a few minutes, so I was alone for once.

I looked up, a trifle startled. I'd been thinking very deeply and it was jarring to come out of my dream world. "Come in!" I called after shaking my head a little like a dog in order to get my brain started in a normal pattern again.

A quick grin crossed my face when Rosalie poked her head into the room. To my great astonishment, I'd truly found myself missing her while she'd been gone these past two days. Rosalie was refreshing, at least in a brutally honest sort of way. You could always trust her to tell the truth, even when it was unpleasant.

"Hello, Rosalie! You and Emmett got back all right, then? I was so worried. Did you have any trouble at all?" I asked eagerly as my words blurred together, thirsty as I was for news of my forsaken home.

"We didn't have any trouble at all," she said lightly with a small snort of condescension that I found that I didn't really mind. "Take a breath, Bella, before you choke! I'll answer all your questions."

She glided into the room at my unspoken but earnest invitation, and sat down on the bed beside me. I admired her easy ability of folding her shapely legs underneath her body without looking like a duck.

"Emmett and I got the house closed up and everything settled," she informed me once she was established comfortably by my side. "I left a letter at the realtor's office with instructions for the house to be sold as quickly as possible and the proceeds from the sale to go to charity. Nothing left to do there or go back to in Forks now."

"I'm sure gonna miss that house, but I understand the necessity of the act," I said a little mournfully as I sat up beside her. "As much as I love Alaska and our home here, that house will always hold a special place in my heart."

Rosalie nodded in unexpected understanding and sympathy—she truly did seem to comprehend why I felt that way.

It gave me the courage to ask the question I really wanted the answer to. "The werewolves won't be able to smell that you were there, will they?" I asked her fearfully.

She laughed at me with an indefinably nonchalant air. "Now, Bella, don't you think that Emmett and I know how to be careful? Neither of us was born yesterday, after all." She winked at me. "Don't worry; your pet pooches will never know the difference of our visit. Your secret, at least from that end, is quite safe."

I cocked my head at that last sentence. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something seemed off to me. She was being far too casual about the whole business.

As if to confirm my suspicions, Rosalie bit down on her full lower lip. It was a nervous gesture, despite the lightness of her tone a mere second before. I looked hard at her, trying to discern her thoughts or emotions. What I wouldn't give for a vampire gift sometimes!

She looked at the wall, blatantly avoiding my gaze. I sighed and asked, "What aren't you telling me, Rosalie? You're hiding something, I can tell."

There was a pause. Then Rosalie said, "There's no easy way to tell you. Maybe I should just show you." She pulled something out of her linen jacket pocket and unfolded it carefully. "When we got to the house in Forks, I picked up the newspaper in the driveway. It seems that Edward forgot to stop its delivery when he left with you. Emmett was taking forever in packing up his exercise room, so I started to read the paper out of sheer boredom."

She hesitated, and I nodded at her to continue with the story. "Inside the paper, I found this article." She handed me a newspaper clipping, crinkled and a little water stained from having sat outside.

Nervously, I smoothed the paper out a little more with my hands before reading it.

It was the obituary column of Forks' local paper. I read these words with no small amount of shock:

Forks Police Chief Charles Swan and Mrs. Renee Dwyer regret to announce the sudden passing of their only daughter, Isabella Marie Swan. Miss Swan was a resident of Forks for some time, and she was the former wife of Mr. Jacob Black of La Push Native American reservation.

Miss Swan, unfortunately, was found deceased just two mornings ago by Mr. Black at the scene of an automobile accident. The site was a few miles outside of Forks' city limits. It can only be conjectured by police investigators that Miss Swan lost control of her vehicle while leaving our town for her new home in Arizona. It was raining the night of her accident, and the moisture and condition of the back road on which she was driving caused her to meet with this unfortunate calamity.

Miss Swan, who was known as "Bella" to her friends and family, is universally remembered as a loving daughter and an unquestionably loyal friend. She will be mourned greatly by all who had the privilege to know her.

According to friends of the family who wished to remain anonymous, Miss Swan has already been buried in a private ceremony at an unknown location. Any who wish to show their sympathy are cordially asked to send their regrets to Chief Swan, and may also send monetary donations to Forks' Local Soup Kitchen. All gifts will be dedicated to Miss Swan's memory.

A shuddering breath that seemed to shake my entire body as it went through my lungs came out of me as I reached the end of the obituary column. It was so surreal to see myself listed among the dead with such impersonality.

"Well, then," I said weakly, mostly to myself and not to Rosalie. "I guess that's that. This is really my home now, no question about it."

I looked up at Rosalie, then, my mind swimming with thousands of questions and uncertainties. "How, Rosalie? How did Jacob know about any this? How could he declare me dead when there was no body to be found? All he could possibly see was my car—how would he know to declare me dead?"

She looked at me, almost as if she were judging whether I was strong enough to handle anything more. Reaching her decision, she then handed me a white envelope that had appeared in her hand from her other jacket pocket. My name was written boldly in Jacob's handwriting across the back.

"I haven't read it, but I have a feeling that this may contain some answers to a few of those questions for you," Rosalie said quietly.

I sighed, wondering what I could possibly expect next, and then opened Jacob's note in resignation.

Dear Bella,

I found your car and your note. I got worried when you never returned anybody's calls, and I went looking for evidence of where you'd really gone, since you obviously weren't in Phoenix. Leah told me what you'd probably done when I told her what I'd found—I didn't want to believe her, but it's the only explanation that really makes sense. However, asking you to make sense in the first place might be dumb. That's what I'm holding on to, actually.

I don't know if you'll ever get this note, but I had to try just in case you did. I'm leaving copies in the meadow and at your bloodsucker's house. If you ever feel safe enough, if you're alive at all to read this, please let me know someday. I don't know if you're really dead, or if you just wanted to disappear. Hell, for all I know, you left to go find your lee-Edward.

In any case, I did what you asked me to do. Charlie doesn't know anything about our suspicions. He's missing you, but Wanda's helping him heal. She's really nice; you'd like her a lot.

To help with the cover-up, I stole an unidentified body from the morgue, one that was really burned up. Would have been fun, actually, if it hadn't been about you. I had to set a fire in your truck to make the accident look convincing. Sorry, I know you loved that old junker. We buried that stolen body in your meadow instead of your own, like you asked me to do. It was all I could think of to do that would go along with your instructions when you obviously weren't there to be buried yourself. In any case, Charlie and Renee never knew the difference—we all decided that a closed casket funeral would be for the best.

I don't know if you want to hear this or not, but Dani and I are planning a fall wedding. I can only hope that you've found happiness, wherever you are. Leah says that I should just accept the fact that you're dead, but I feel like I would _know_ you were dead if you really and truly were. I just can't shake the idea that you're alive and well somewhere. I don't know why you felt disappearing was the right thing to do if you _are_ alive, but I guess I owe you anonymity, if that's what you really want. Even though I'm gonna be really mad if I find out you're just hiding somewhere…which is a really weird reaction, now that I think of it, but you know what I mean.

No matter what you may think of me, Bella, I'll always miss you a lot. If you ever need a best friend, you know where to find one. I'll keep your secret, though, I promise. I've stopped phasing and let Jared take my place as Alpha, so not even the pack will know.

Love,

Jacob.

"Bella?"

I looked up at Rosalie, tears of joy running down my cheeks. I felt a few of them enter my mouth, warm and salty, but it didn't faze me in the least.

"What's wrong?" she asked, obviously alarmed by the sight of my tears. "What did that dog say to you?" I couldn't answer. Her voice was frustrated when she asked, "Bella, why in the world are you crying?"

"Because…because….I'm _happy!_" I wailed foolishly, sobbing heartily into my hands. The tears dripped in-between my fingers, despite Rosalie rubbing my arm. She was clearly feeling hesitant in comforting a berserk human.

The door to my room slammed open with a thunderous noise as it hit the opposite wall, causing the wood to shudder in protest. Suddenly he was there in a gust of icy wind, wrapping his arms around me. "What happened?" Edward demanded, speaking to Rosalie with a voice that could have been living in a refrigerator for a week as he rubbed my face in a frantic attempt to console me. "Why is she crying?"

"I don't know," Rosalie replied, totally bewildered and looking a trifle scared of Edward's reaction. "She says that she's just happy, so don't bite my head off, Edward. I don't even know what caused it. I didn't do anything this time, I swear!"

"It's all good, Edward," I told him, still bawling against his shoulder like an idiot. "Everything's perfect. I'm happy because I'm dead! Charlie's put an obituary in the newspaper, you see, and he's falling in love with a woman that works at the station. Oh, and Jacob is getting married to Dani this fall. Isn't it wonderful? Everything's all settled for the best now."

He looked at me as if I'd gone totally nuts at last. "You're happy that you're dead? I think I've missed something vital, here."

Exasperated by my own apparent inability to explain, I simply handed him both the obituary and Jacob's letter. They would answer his questions far better than I could.

To my great surprise, Edward, too, started smiling in a satisfied manner. He read with a speed so fast that I couldn't follow the movements of his warm, honey eyes. I grinned even wider when I saw that his smile was a lot like mine. I'd expected him to be angered by the note from my former husband at the very least, not so…smug.

"Well, then," he said when he finished, tossing the note behind him carelessly. "I guess you weren't quite as thorough with the disposal of your truck as you thought you were. I can't truthfully say that I'm sorry—at least not now that everything's firmly settled with virtually no trouble on our parts."

He took me back into his arms and carefully wiped away all the traces of my tears from my cheeks. I eyed him wryly when I saw him taste the remnants of my tears that were left on his hand—he hadn't done that in a long time.

"How did he get my note, though, Edward?" I asked when he caught me looking puzzled and silently gestured for me to share my thoughts with him. "I know that I put it into my jacket pocket for safe-keeping when I was in the meadow. But come to think of it, I don't even remember seeing it again afterwards…you mentioned it at some point, I think, when we were talking. But that's as much as I can recall," I said, wrinkling my nose as I tried to remember.

He looked guilty, glancing askance at me so that he could gauge my reaction. "When we found the note in your clothes after we got you stabilized again, I took your letter to Jacob back to the meadow and put it under a rock, along with the knife you'd used. I wanted all the bad memories from that day in the same place, I guess, and as far from me as possible. I suppose that Jacob found it when he went looking for you," Edward conjectured. "He probably smelled your blood there, too, now that I think of it. It would have been soaked into the ground. I wonder if my scent would still be there along with it?" he pondered aloud idly, tapping his fingers against the mattress.

Finally, he shrugged. "In any case, that's of no real consequence. He didn't seem to suspect my involvement, or if he did, he didn't put his suspicions in his note to you." He looked at me anxiously. "I didn't mean to cause him pain, I promise, Bella. The possibility of him finding the note never even crossed my mind. I just wasn't thinking very rationally at the time." His eyes begged me for forgiveness.

"It's all right, Edward," I said with a wink. "There's truly nothing to forgive on my end. At least Charlie and Renee can have a measure of peace about me now, instead of always wondering where I was when they couldn't find me in Phoenix. I was crying from happiness earlier—it's wonderful to know that I'm truly yours now, and that no one else has a claim on me. My old life is completely gone," I told him happily. "Good. That life sucked, anyway. This one's way better."

Rosalie looked deeply relieved at this turn of events that didn't include her getting yelled at for upsetting me. "I'm just glad to hear that I'm not in trouble."

"You're not, Rosalie," I told her. It was my turn to laugh at her—she'd actually been scared that I was going to sic Edward on her or something. "Actually, thank you for bringing me this. I was wondering when Jacob's wedding would be. Now I don't have to wonder anymore—it's very relaxing, not having to be in the suspense."

Edward kissed me in mute proof of his ownership.

So I was truly ready to become a vampire now. Only three weeks kept me from my goal, and I fidgeted at the days and countless hours that I still had to wait through. Still, I knew that those weeks that I loathed the thought of were actually being extremely helpful, in that the time was reconciling Edward to the inevitability of my fate.

Truthfully, I think he was also enjoying these last few days of my soft-and-warm lovability, of my blushes and the sounds of my heart. He and I would have an eternity together as immortals, after all. It wasn't too much to ask to let him enjoy these last few weeks of my humanity—the very humanity that had first brought him to me.

For myself, I was very tired of being weak and listless all the time. Even a healthy dose of bloodlust would have been better than the constant exhaustion I felt, no matter how rested I supposedly was. It seemed like all I did was eat and have food forced down me, and then sleep some more.

Bloodlust certainly would have been better than Carlisle and Edward sending meaningful looks at each other when they thought I wouldn't see them at it, as they were doing at this very moment. I'd had about enough of it, and finally, I decided to call them on their secretiveness. There had to be a deeper reason for their unrest, and another reason for attempting to hide it from me, and my all too observant mind was providing me with numerous ghastly possibilities.

"All right, you two. I've had about enough of this crap. Out with it," I ordered firmly, once the thermometer had been removed from my mouth and allowed me to speak clearly again.

Two pairs of golden, masculine eyes looked at me in very credible surprise as I rudely snapped them out of their private conversation with one another.

"I mean it," I said, my voice every bit as stern as Edward's could get when he was demanding an answer to a mystery that I was purposely keeping from him. "The time has come, my friends. The party is officially over. I know that you two are hiding something that you don't want me to find out about, or you wouldn't keep talking with your thoughts instead of aloud like you usually do. We won't mention how rude that is to the people around you—I'm far more concerned with what you don't want me to know. No more lies, all right?"

My voice became pleading for a minute when I saw that firm humor wasn't going anywhere. "Just tell me what's wrong, or I'm going to keep inventing all sorts of bad things in my head that are going on."

"Bella, why would we hide something from you?" Edward asked me smoothly, his copper eyebrows high in an exemplary show of innocence. It almost convinced me, but not quite.

I glared at him, at least as much as one can glare at an Adonis. "Edward, I know what a good liar you are. You've told me that yourself."

He flinched. It was a low blow on my part, but it was still the truth.

"What could be so bad that it would keep you from telling me the truth now?" I asked him in a softer voice, my voice pleading. I could feel the blood draining from my face as my mind whirled with the possibilities—evil vampires, the death of the werewolves back home, Charlie or Renee or Angela in trouble…

"Because it's truly nothing, Bella," Carlisle told me in a soothing voice that perversely made me feel even more frightened and concerned and angry. Charlie and Renee had eventually learned not to do that to me—it inescapably just made me ten thousand times more stubborn.

The tone also made me feel like an immature child, and considering the fact that Carlisle and I were (biologically, at least) close to the same age, I didn't appreciate the sensation very much. "If it were worth troubling you about, we would tell you, but why should you be worried over nothing?" he asked me softly, ignoring my rising frustration. "Trust us, Bella, it's for the best if you would just relax now and let us handle things until you're a little stronger."

Something was going on, then. I was sure of it now. So it was to be the same old deal as it always had been, then—don't tell Bella what's going on, because she'll be sure to freak out unnecessarily.

It was too bad that this impression was entirely true.

My heart started pounding again, harder than it ever had before. It felt as if it were about to burst out of my chest cavity from the irrational fear and dread that I was feeling. A very small part of my brain realized that I was massively overreacting, but I just couldn't calm myself down, couldn't think rationally, not when I was struggling to keep from passing out.

I saw them exchange worried glances again as the sound of my furiously thundering heart reached their sensitive ears.

"Bella, calm down, please." I was too busy gasping for air, and I ignored Carlisle, command though his words had been.

Seeing that my preoccupation with _breathing_ was keeping me from giving them my full attention, Edward got down on his knees so that he would be at my eye-level. He effortlessly captured my frightened gaze with his own intense one. "Bella, I'm asking you, no, I'm begging you." He stared hard at me and put his hands on my shoulders, supporting me. "Please, if you truly love me, please calm down."

I tried, but I struggled. My entire being told me to tense up against the panic, not relax as he asked. Edward's broke in on my preoccupation and said quickly, "Do this for me—just watch my face. Breathe with me, exactly when I do. Slowly, take the breath in through your nose and then let it out through your mouth." Putting his mouth near mine, he breathed slowly in, then out again.

Unable to resist the relief that his words offered me, I did as he did. I followed his instructions as if I were hypnotized, which I think I partly was. I breathed in, let it out. Breathed in through my nose, and let the air back out again.

Soon, I found that the steady influx of oxygen to my lungs worked to slow down my panicked thoughts, as well as my rapid heartbeat. It took me a minute or two, and I could feel Carlisle watching me closely, but eventually I was calm enough to relax against the bed again. My entire body was aching from the fear. What was worse was that all of it had been completely against my will.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that Carlisle was opening his mouth, preparing himself to speak to me. One of Edward's lightning fast gestures with his right hand stopped the words before they could leave Carlisle's mouth, though, and I could see them communicating privately again. It irked me, but I was too tired to work up any real anger. Again Edward gestured, and in response, Carlisle silently flowed to the door and left us alone again. The room, the entire house, was completely quiet. The only sounds were my quick pants as I lay on the bed.

Edward's head was at my breast then, lying so that I didn't feel a single ounce of his weight on my aching chest, but close enough so that his ear could listen to my heart's movements. We lay quietly like that for what seemed like forever, and I found that I was totally powerless to bring up the argument again.

When I glanced down, I saw the panic that was lying just below the surface of his eyes. It was barely controlled. I knew that neither of us was willing to discuss this incident to which I still didn't know the implications.

Confused, hurting, and strangely depressed, I slipped into a sleeping oblivion, where Edward's lullaby ran a race with a wind that I somehow knew to be time.


	12. Escape

Disclaimer: If I owned it, somebody would have imprinted on me right now

Disclaimer: If I owned it, somebody would have imprinted on me right now. I could use a little adoration.

A/N: Ok, so I realized as I was uploading this that this chapter was 25 pages long on word, so I decided to split it up. Hope nobody minds… Enjoy the chapter, and keep reviewing! This is becoming my most popular story, woo hoo!

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It had been three days since my disastrous overreaction.

I'd felt even worse, physically, since that day—it seemed as if nothing I did ever helped the tightness in my chest. I'd finally been forced to admit to Edward the fact that I was having trouble breathing…trouble doing anything at all, for that matter. His face had gotten gravely still and hard before he'd smothered the reaction and held me close. He politely asked me not to worry. He told me that he'd take care of it all. I trusted him in that promise—he always took care of things for me whenever he could.

We still hadn't discussed what had had him and Carlisle so upset in the first place, and I didn't quite dare to ask again. Edward, in an atypical manner, shied away from the topic too. Carlisle, using his inescapable authority as family physician and patriarch, had all but confined me to my bed since the episode, citing my all too evident weakness as justification. He didn't even let me sit up in the rocking chair with Edward anymore, which I found that I sorely missed.

Despite the strict injunctions of his father, though, Edward never left me for a moment—Carlisle would never have asked that of either of us, but I was definitely glad that he hadn't tried. I just couldn't manage to be sorry for my weakness when I had Edward's constant present at my side. It was the only good side-effect of the occurrence. From dawn until sunset, we were constantly together.

"Bella, I'm so sorry, but I'm going to be gone for most of the afternoon. Esme is going to be staying here with you, while the rest of us go into Anchorage for a few hours. We just have some business to take care of there, all right?"

I sighed heavily at his words, but tried to pat Edward's hand in what I hoped was a reassuring manner. I'd woken up to see that he was lying in the bed beside me, although I was wrapped snuggly in a blanket to keep from catching cold from the temperature of his icy skin. "What business is going to take all of you to do?" I asked, curious as always. "Isn't everything all right with the Denali coven?"

"They're fine, Bella, everything is absolutely fine."

I looked at him skeptically when he didn't really answer my questions, and then it was his turn to sigh. "If I promise to explain everything the minute I get back from the city, will you promise me that you won't worry about it?" he inquired.

I bit my lip. I hated it when he left me—the bitter sensation felt all too familiar. It reminded me of those dark years when he had been utterly absent from my life. I knew that he could easily see my frustration and fear, though, and that they worried him a lot. So I usually did my best to hide my emotions from him whenever I could.

That was why I replied casually now, in order to keep him strong and peaceful about me while he was gone. I couldn't ask him to stay behind, after all, if his family needed him. "Sure, sure, that's just fine with me. As long as you _do_ promise to fill me in, I'll let you go off on your secret mission for now. Usually you have darn good reasons for leaving, so I'll trust you." I felt my eyes start to twinkle as a thought occurred to me. "Besides, for all I know, you're going to Anchorage to get me a present, and you don't want to leave anybody here to spill the beans to me."

Edward's eyebrows lifted higher than I'd ever seem them go at that remark of mine. "Isabella Marie Swan—I'm sorry, but I need a little confirmation on this one. Did I just honestly hear you say the words 'me' and 'present' in the same sentence? Did they truly pass your lips without me discerning an iota of loathing or dread in your voice? Surely I'm mistaken in this observation?"

I giggled. "It's quite possible that you did indeed hear just that, Mr. Vampire. I don't have the energy to protest anymore against you. And I'm going a little stir crazy in here, to be completely honest. I definitely wouldn't mind something new to look at. Besides, I know that you like to give me things."

He held up his hands in the "time-out" gesture that I'd seen Charlie use while watching basketball and he wanted a minute for the team to catch its breath. "Wait just a minute here, coach. I'm confused…delighted, admittedly, but still confused. When did this miraculous event come to pass? I simply can't believe you're being so…so normal about getting a present."

"Shocking, isn't it?" I agreed.

I relaxed back against the pillows, enjoying his sincere surprise, but I was feeling a little tired from the subsequent hilarity. "I would guess that it happened last Christmas…when I was with Jacob."

I glanced up at him to see if this reminder of our years apart would bother him, but he waved airily at me to continue. I smiled, glad to see that he wasn't angered and made jealous by my memory. "You see, Jacob had been spending hours and hours away from the house, which wasn't all that unusual for him, per se. For all I knew, the pack was just a little busier than usual in training the new kids. It didn't have to mean anything terribly significant. Jacob wasn't always as honest with me as you are in some areas."

He smirked, to which I replied severely, "But sometimes he was _more_ honest." Edward continued to look boldly at me, undeterred by my unspoken reprimand. I sighed and decided that to argue with him would be the height of foolishness.

"But on Christmas morning," I said as I continued with the story, "he woke me up really early, I guess just to give us a little privacy from Billy. It must have been four or five o'clock in the morning, barely dawn. He gave me my present then."

I closed my eyes, then, remembering the moment perfectly as it ran through my mind like a movie. "His gift to me was a wooden hair clip that he'd carved during all those hours that I thought he'd been with the pack. It was so beautiful. I could see the incredible intricacy of the carving, and I could truly appreciate how long it had taken him to form and create…not to mention the fine control needed to keep from crushing it to bits from his strength." I opened my eyes and laughed, remembering the many items that Jacob had smashed in the course of our time together.

"Jake's eyes were sparkling so happily when I opened the gift, and I realized that he truly loved giving me a tangible piece of his love, something he'd worked on just for me. It was evidence that I could see and appreciate and hold on to even when he wasn't there. But…do you really want to hear the truly pathetic part?" I asked him, winking up at him cheekily.

"Of course," Edward said, his topaz eyes sparkling in return. Despite my worries, he'd appeared to be totally absorbed in the story. "After all, you're terribly adorable when you're being pathetic."

"Gee, thanks," I scowled, if a little less than enthusiastically. I could never be mad at Edward. "I put that clip right into my hair…and my immediate thought while I was doing it was that I wished that I still had a tangible piece of you left to me. I found myself thinking that if you somehow magically appeared and had a gift for me, no matter what it was, I wouldn't be mad at all. On the contrary, I would rejoice. I finally understood that you giving me a present brought you sincere joy, and that it didn't unbalance the scales between us at all. Or whatever other silly things I used to think about the subject."

I brought myself out of the pleasant memory and shrugged casually. "So anyway, there's the reasoning behind the miracle."

Edward hugged me close, and he spoke so softly that I wasn't even sure that he actually meant for me to hear his words. "That's not pathetic at all, my love. You were thinking of me even then, back in the time when you had no evidence to support the notion that I still loved you. I truly don't deserve your unconditional devotion."

"Oh, yes you do, Mr. Cullen," I said, lifting my lips to his and giving him a quick kiss. "You deserve everything I have to give you, and so much more."

We just sat like that for a few minutes, merely listening to the other breathe.

Reluctance tangible in his every movement, Edward sighed and set me back against the pillows. He got up and stood, gazing down at me from his lofty height. "All right, then, Princess, when I get back, I may just have an explanation _and_ a present for you." I grinned at him, but his face turned solemn and stern. "Until then, would you _please_ be safe and quiet, all right? You're to call on Esme if you need anything at all. I think she's actually looking forward to playing nurse for the afternoon, honestly."

I looked up at him questioningly, and he laughed. "She's tried to push down the thoughts when she's around me, but every once in a while I catch her thinking that she'd like to mother you a little bit more than she gets to. You're the closest thing to a baby that she has. But it seems to her that I'm always in the way and never leave her with anything to do—I guess I'm thorough, which was my intention all along. Nice to know that I'm reaching my goals. Still, I'd never thought to describe my taking care of you as _motherly_. But as long as you don't think of it in that manner, I'm satisfied."

"You're _never_ in the way, Edward, and thank goodness you're not my mother! That would just a little awkward…and creepy." I shuddered mockingly. "But I'll do my best to be an appropriately needy invalid. You know, for Esme's sake, even though I'm sure I'll always prefer your nursing."

"That's my girl," he said, stroking my chin with one finger. "Stay relaxed. That's an order." The levity in his tone didn't hide the fact that he really meant it.

I glared up at him in return. "And you stay safe, Edward Cullen, that's the only way I'll be able to relax. That's _my_ order. And…" I hesitated, battling with the tears that were threatening to spill over. "Hurry back to me as quickly as you can, please."

"I'll be faster than the wind itself, my love," he swore, kissing me.

And then he was gone, in a burst of his own particular wind.

The expected gloom fell over me at his absence, but I tried to push it away, just in case Jasper was still nearby. I didn't need him feeling my emotions and then Edward hearing about that little emotional flicker in his brother's thoughts. Sometimes it was hard for a girl to have any privacy around here, but I couldn't be sorry about it. Who really wants privacy, after all? Privacy is the justification for a lonely person's way of life, because they don't know of anything better.

I was rereading "Little Women" for the hundredth time, just getting to the part of the girls' disastrous dinner party, when I heard a soft knock on my door.

I called "Come in!" and Esme stepped noiselessly through the doorway.

"Hello, Bella, darling," she said gently. "How are you feeling today?"

Smiling radiantly at the comforting appearance of Esme, I answered cheerfully, "A little better, maybe. I'm really glad that you're here, though, Esme. I was just trying to keep from sulking—it's hard when they all leave, isn't it?"

Esme's gentle face lit up with a grin, her white teeth glistening as a sudden ray of light that came through the window, illuminating her smile like a spotlight. My eyes follow the light's path for a minute, and a sudden wild longing sprang up within me. I wanted desperately to leave this room, to see something different than these same four walls. I was always so cold—I wanted the sun to warm my skin again.

"What is it, dear?" Esme came and sat down on the bed beside me, obviously noticing that my attention was no longer on her.

"Oh, it's nothing." She looked at me critically and I rushed on to distract her. "So, is it possible for me to persuade you to tell me what they're all doing in Anchorage, or is it futile for me to even attempt it?"

She laughed. "Complete and total futility, honey. I'm under very specific orders, after all. Don't worry. I _can_ tell you that everything's just fine, but Carlisle and Edward and Alice all agreed that it would be for the best if you found out what's going on later, once they're back and things are calm."

Catching sight of the impatience as it streaked across my face, she hurried on. "We have only your best interests at heart, Bella. You should know that by now. I'm well aware of the fact that you get frustrated, sometimes, with the secrets that seem to be flying around you with no one asking for your consent or you opinion. But we do have our reasons for secrecy, and they're very good ones."

"I know that, Esme, I truly do." I sighed, feeling resigned and a little ashamed of myself—I knew that the Cullens wanted what was best for me. It was just hard to be patient. "That's why I haven't asked about what Carlisle and Edward are hiding from me again. No matter what the evidence to the contrary is at the moment, I do trust you, all of you, implicitly. I didn't even mean to overreact so badly a few days ago, it's just…all of a sudden, I got really, really scared. I couldn't slow down my heartbeat and the fear made it hard for me to breathe, and I got panicked." I grimaced, thinking of how immaturely I'd behaved. "I just hope that Carlisle isn't mad at me. I really made a fool of myself, and I probably frustrated him with my over-sensitivity."

Esme looked totally shocked at this. "Darling! Why ever would you think that Carlisle was angry with you? First of all, I must say that I think that it's almost physically impossible for Carlisle to be angered with anyone. My husband, wonderful though he may be to my mind, is also annoyingly even tempered—try picking a fight with him sometime," she confided with a laugh. I knew that there had to be a story behind that little remark, but I didn't want to interrupt her to ask. "You'll see what I mean then."

She contemplated my expression. "Besides, Bella, I thought that you knew that Carlisle was well aware of why you got so upset. He knows that your reaction wasn't truly your fault. Don't worry, my dear. He's not angered with you in the slightest degree, and neither is Edward. Nor is anyone else, for that matter. We all love you, and we know that things are a little confusing for you at the moment. We're perfectly willing to make allowances."

"Good….that's a relief," I said, gazing up at her. "Thanks, Esme. It's been on my mind a lot. It seems like you guys are perpetually having to forgive me for my silliness, or else saving me from something."

Esme laughed, dispelling my fears even further. "If you're really feeling guilty, you can make it up to us when you have all that newborn strength. I'm sure that there are lots of chores around here that can use a little elbow grease. It would do Emmett good to be taken down a peg."

"Deal!" I agreed a little longingly. It would be nice to work up a sweat again.

A sound, a lovely birdsong, reached my ears and my attention was once again ensnared by the world outside my window.

"You want to go outside, don't you?" Esme asked, her shrewd glance catching what I was gazing at with such absorption.

"Yes, I do," I admitted readily enough. "I understand why I've been confined to sick bay by the orders of the captain, truly I do, but…I want to remember the fact that there is a world outside of here, Esme. I've barely left this room ever since Edward and I came to Alaska. Sometimes…sometimes it feels as if I'm smothering in here."

I caught the disapproving look on her face. Was it directed at me or toward the situation? The thought made me say hastily, "But I don't want to worry Edward, and I know that he probably wouldn't let me leave, anyway. Too dangerous outside or some such thing, I suppose. Don't mention it to him, okay, Esme?"

Esme pursed her lips. "A little sun on your face couldn't possibly be a bad thing for you. Alice said this morning that the Alaskan summer season is almost over, and that soon we'll be plunged into darkness again. This may be your last chance to soak up the outdoors before it is shut to you…although nothing will be shut to you once you're a vampire," she amended cheerfully.

"That's just the thing, Esme!" I exclaimed, careful even in my passion to stay calm and relaxed. She showed distinct signs of weakening, and I wasn't about to ruin the chance that just might be presented to me. "The countdown is winding to a close for my conversion, and the last time I felt the sunshine, I was killing myself in the meadow back home. I'd like to have a better human memory of sunlight to take with me into the next life. I know that my human memories will fade a little, but somehow I don't think that I'll ever forget that particular memory, as much as I earnestly desire to be rid of it. I wish that I could replace that day with a better one, you know?"

"Yes," Esme whispered, and I was startled by the sheer strength of the emotion on her face and in her voice. "I _do_ know."

I looked at her, puzzled, and she explained a little absentmindedly. It seemed to me as if she was looking at something very different from my face, though her eyes were on me. "Did you know, Bella, that the last sunshine I experienced as a human being was the afternoon sun I felt on my back when I was killing myself? I remember its rays warming me as I stood on that cliff, and thinking that the sun could never warm me. I was too cold to ever experience the warmth of love or affection ever again."

I froze at her words, realizing that our thoughts had been the exact same at the time of our intended deaths.

Not noticing my sudden tense posture, she said, "It was just after the death of my son, my only baby." She sighed. "I understand exactly what you mean, dear, probably better than anyone else possibly could."

I could actually her pondering the feasibility of my desire and I waited with bated breath for her decision. She reached it suddenly—I could tell by the decided nod of her head. "I don't want you to live with that emotion like I have had to do," she said firmly. "It's not fair, and it's not at all right, to make you carry that kind of baggage with you into immortality. I can't do much for you, my daughter, but I can do this."

Standing up, she examined my clothing with a critical eye. "You're dressed fairly warmly. Let's just put on some of your thick socks and your sturdiest shoes, and then I'll take you outside. The fresh air will be good for you; I have no doubt of it."

"Oh, _thank you_, Esme!" I exclaimed, barely restraining a squeal. I would have hugged her in she hadn't been standing over me.

While I got ready for my expedition, I berated myself. I'd quite forgotten about Esme's own history. How selfish of me, to have been so wrapped up in my own pain that I didn't even remember hers. The truth was that Esme was always so serene and loving around me that it was hard to ever think of her being in despair. It was actually painful to imagine this motherly figure of mine experiencing anguish anything as painful as what I'd felt. I didn't want that agony for my worst enemy, let alone somebody that I loved so dearly. I comforted myself with the fact that Esme had gotten her fairy tale, though, despite the pain that she'd gone through to get there. She'd been found by a knight on a white horse, Carlisle himself, and had been rescued from the evil that had stalked her. I knew that they would live happily ever after, and further, until the end of time itself.

A few minutes later, I was cozily wrapped up in a fuzzy blue blanket that Alice had brought home to me from one of her frequent shopping trips in the city. She usually brought me home pajamas or clothes or exotic chocolate, which while greatly appreciated, could be slightly daunting in their extravagance. This blanket, though, was a different story entirely. It was so warm and comforting, and Alice had seen that I would love it the moment it caught her eye in the store in Anchorage. I staunchly declared it to be one of the better side-effects of her precognition, and she'd laughed with me.

"It's much better than watching you die or something!" she affirmed, ruffling my hair patronizingly. "Besides, I know that this is Edward's favorite shade of blue on you. Even if you can't dress up, you can still look nice while you lie around in bed. How many girls can say the same? Now admit it, I'm amazing."

I admitted it readily enough, and she smiled at me.

Esme lifted me up in her arms once I was ready, and walked carefully out of my room, striding smoothly down the hall and through the huge, open den. My eyes searched these rooms hungrily for details. After all, I'd only seen them once or twice. Everything was so light, open, and all the rooms were decorated in coordinating colors of beige, light blue, and white. Every once in a while, there would be an accent color of royal blue or even a pale orange which could be seen in a throw pillow or delicate vase. It drove me crazy seeing the other doors we passed by so nonchalantly, wondering what marvels they concealed from my curious eyes.

I also questioned Esme's slow pace a little, but then the reason for it hit me. I decided that she was probably taking the trip in a leisurely fashion in order to keep me from getting overly excited. Remembering some of my earlier runs with Edward and the fear and weakness caused by his speed, I couldn't really fault her caution.

Esme stepped outside the back door, and I sighed in relief when I felt the sun's rays hit my too-pale, cold skin. The air wasn't hot, exactly, but it felt so strangely _alive_. There was light moisture whisking around my face, and an almost perceptible rhythm coming from the world around me. It was invigorating in a way that I never thought the great outdoors could be. Usually I was far too worried about tripping over roots or dreading the sight of bugs or snakes to notice such things—but how could one be worried about such things when one was in the arms of a vampire?

"Is this all right?" I heard Esme ask through the fog of my thoughts.

In response, I blearily opened one eye, but I was momentarily blinded by the spangles of light that were coming from her skin. Esme was undoubtedly the friendliest looking of all the Cullens, but in this light, I was nearly staggered by her soft, glowing beauty. Her caramel hair gleamed, and her honey eyes were warm and loving in the soft circle of her face.

When I'd recovered from the impression, I replied, "Do you think we could go into the trees a bit? I'd really like to see the light turn green as it comes down through the leaves again. Funny, how I used to hate that. I used to feel like I was smothering under the clouds. Now, somehow, the sensation is strangely comforting, almost like being under a blanket."

"It probably feels that way to you from all the times you went into the forest while you were living with Jacob," Esme replied knowingly, already gliding toward the tree line. "It comforted you when you couldn't really face what the light revealed to be true."

I nodded at her, deciding that she was quite right, but didn't reply.

When we were a little further in the forest, Esme sat me down on a fallen log after making sure that the blanket was keeping any of the forest detritus from touching my skin. "Comfy?" she asked.

"Perfectly," I replied a little drowsily. I could almost believe that the sunlight was making me drunk. It was numbing my fears, slurring the clarity of my thoughts, and I felt more relaxed than I had in a very long while. The only thing that could make this moment more perfect would be Edward's presence.

Esme and I sat together like that for what felt like an hour or two, only speaking the occasional errant thought or asking a question of the other. I think that we were both lost in our memories, and I was loathe to interrupt the moment for her as well as for me. Neither of us had much opportunity for quiet reflection while living in a house filled with vampires, and especially with the one vampire that could hear thoughts.

That is, I didn't want to interrupt until a strong desire overwhelmed the quiet of my mind, and I regretfully broke the stillness with my muttered words.

"Esme?" I said softly.

"Yes, dear?" she murmured.

"I just want to say that I'm sorry that I forgot your story. It was really mean of me…I should have remembered that I wasn't alone in the world. I can't believe that I thought, even briefly, that I wasn't the only one who had ever suffered in that way. I'm sorry if I hurt you by my thoughtlessness."

"Oh, sweetheart," Esme said with a gasp, pulling me into her cold, yet kind, arms for a hug. "Don't even bother apologizing to me over something so silly! I remember all too well what it was like that horrible day, despite my best efforts to forget it entirely. I remember the overwhelming feeling that you are utterly destitute of all goodness, and bereft of anything that had some inherent meaning. I remember having the notion that all reason was gone from the world, and that all the forces of fate and nature are against you and _only_ you. I remember feeling alone."

I shuddered. Her calm words were describing my feelings at the time of Jacob's desertion perfectly. _Alone_ was quite possibly the saddest word in the English language, in my humble opinion.

Esme squeezed my hand gently. "You are not to blame for sometimes forgetting that other people have experienced such pain, Bella, especially when I remember how the pain wiped away all reasonable thought. You cannot think clearly when it is happening, and sometimes not even for many years afterward. Don't reproach yourself on that score, please, dear, not for my sake. I certainly never did. The thought never even crossed my mind, in point of fact."

She tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, as if she couldn't quite keep from touching me. "When you were returned to us, I was far too busy rejoicing over the fact that we were finally a family again to worry about you remembering my own life. It all happened so long ago, and much of the pain has dimmed from the time that has passed, and also helped by Carlisle's deep love and compassion. I think you'll find that your pain, too, will pass away. Edward will help you as much as he possibly can. Still, Bella, I want you to remember something for me."

I gazed up at her, showing her how closely I was listening to her words. She put her hand on my shoulder, and gently squeezed it to punctuate her words. "Never forget what you have learned from your time of crisis, or it will have lost all its meaning. Take the lessons from it that you can, remember them when you face other trials, and don't allow the despair to catch you off guard. Life is full of pain, dear, and there will be other times that you will have to be strong. You can't succumb to the despair, and it will be far easier to avoid if you are already on the watch for it."

I gulped—she was right, although I really hoped that I would never be in such pain again. Esme smiled, understanding my look perfectly. "Still, you are allowed to be happy again. Don't let that past, that pain, follow you and haunt you."

She was interrupted by the buzzing of a small silver cell phone. It flashed to her ear so fast that I couldn't really follow the motion—the image blurred.

"Carlisle…" she breathed. "Did you all come out all right, then?"

She listened to her husband carefully. A tension that I hadn't consciously noticed before, but couldn't ignore now, visibly faded from her face.

"Thank God for that. They're all gone, then? Well, at least that gives us _some_ time." Pause, and a glance at me. "Yes, everything's quite well on this end, too. Bella and I are enjoying the sunshine at the moment just inside the forest. Tell Edward where we are, please, or he'll be sure to get upset when he arrives home to find Bella gone from her room." Pause. "Yes, all right, dear—oh, good, she'll be so excited. I can't wait." Pause. "That's just fine with me. Good-bye for now, then, sweetheart."

Esme clicked the phone shut with her white fingers and smiled happily at me. "They're on their way home. Edward's going to meet us out here—I think he was glad to hear that you were getting a little fresh air."

A breath that I wasn't aware I was holding came rushing out of my lungs when I heard that Edward was coming home. A pain in my chest eased just a little bit. "

Do you mind if I go back to the house?" Esme asked. "I want to meet Carlisle when he arrives, if that's all right with you, dear. I won't be far."

"Sure…" I replied, a little surprised by this development. It wasn't at all like the Cullens to leave me alone, even for just a few minutes. "Isn't everything okay?"

"Oh, everything's fine, love. Carlisle just wants to speak with me about some business for a moment. They're only two minutes away in any case. Not even you can get in trouble in only two minutes!" She winked.

I laughed in return. "Let's hope that's true. I'd really hate to uphold my reputation any more than I already have. You go on, Esme; I'll be just fine here."

With a peck on my cheek, she left me with a rush of the wind as she ran.

I spent the next minute or so imagining what Edward could possibly be bringing me home from his expedition in the city. I hoped that's what Esme had meant when she said "she'll be so excited" to Carlisle.

Alarm pulsed through me when the image of Edward handing me the keys to a sporty blue convertible crossed my brain unbidden. I shuddered. Surely he wouldn't go _that_ far in my new attitude towards gifts. I wasn't sure that I could handle that much of a surprise!

I heard a stick snap behind me then. I yanked myself out of my absurd daydreams and turned with a wide grin on my face. I was expecting to see Edward running toward me, even though it wasn't the direction I'd been expecting to see him coming from.

But there was no one there. I was utterly alone.

"Hello?" I called into the trees, feeling both a little foolish a little frightened. Was I going crazy? No, I was sure I'd heard something. I listened closely, waiting for a repeat of the sound. It never came.

Then I heard one of the most blood-curdling sounds I'd ever experienced in my life—it was a feral, hungry growl that had nothing in common with a vampire's snarl. And the sound was coming from _above_ me.

I slowly looked up, even while I was fighting the urge to keep my head down. After all, the thought occurred to me that if I didn't look up, I wouldn't have to see if something was really up there or not. I could just pretend that it was all my overly active imagination getting the better of me yet again. It had happened before. I knew what I was doing was the old "head in the sand" tactic…but I just couldn't do it.

My eyes stared upward, as if I were no longer in control of them.

My blood turned to an ice that froze solid in my veins when my startled glance discerned what was lurking above me. It took my brain a second longer to catch up with my instincts, my body still and alert before I was consciously aware of the danger.

There, in the waving tree branches a little above my head, crouched a cougar. And it had its hungry eyes set on me, those wild eyes following my every movement. The animal almost blended in with the tree trunk, but its brown fur contrasted with the insanely cheerful green leaves. It was crouched so low to the branch that it almost looked as if it was lying down for an afternoon nap, but I wasn't fooled. I'd seen vampires in that stance before too many times—it meant that their muscles were tightly coiled, preparing to spring on their defenseless prey.

I instinctively knew that I was about to become dinner.


	13. Wild Animals

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would be indescribably beautiful and wouldn't need glasses

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would be indescribably beautiful and wouldn't need glasses.

A/N: I love getting screaming views—somebody even cursed me out, in a good way. It was quite entertaining. Here you go, my peeps! I hope it lives up to your expectations! Please keep reviewing. Oh, and prepare for the next chapter, it's one of my favs….

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My breathing quickened into painful, short pants, even as I came to the horrifying realization that there truly was nothing that I could do to prevent this from happening to me. I couldn't hope to run away fast enough, and I couldn't delude myself into thinking that I could beat it off of me. Even if I screamed, Esme couldn't get here in time from the house to save me from certain mauling.

My only hope was that the cat would be stopped quickly by someone, leaving me merely wounded and not killed. That could conceivably give the vampire venom time to work before I died. I shrank away from the imagined agony, which was sure to be so much worse with open wounds. Poor Emmett—it seemed as if I had underestimated the entire Cullen family. My fate would be very similar to Emmett's, if I survived at all. There was no Rosalie here to save me now, like he'd had.

I was truly doomed this time, doomed by a force of the very nature that I'd come out of the house to admire. I remembered wanting to take this memory with me into my immortal life. How stupid of me. Now I was going to take a memory of a mauling with me, if I was indeed lucky enough to survive.

What a way to go—alone and ripped to shreds by cruel claws and teeth.

I closed my eyes as the cat lurched forward on the branch a few inches, preparing myself for the end and its coming darkness. I did _not _want to watch as the claws came ripping toward my throat. I would hide my eyes now from my impending death, cowardly though that desire may be. It was all I could do in the face of it. I'd faced death before—I wasn't strong enough to do it again, not alone.

Edward would come home and find me like this. His agony was far worse to contemplate than was the pain that was about to be my own lot to bear.

I heard a growl leave the cat's throat, and I knew that my heartbeats were limited.

Suddenly, something raced past me and bounded up the tree trunk in one graceful leap. This caused my body to unfreeze, and I shrieked piercingly. I fell over from the shock of the unexpected movement as it brushed past me.

My next impression was of cold, strong arms as they encircled my waist and dragged me bodily away from the tree trunk I was lying next to. I was moved even as my frantic gaze caught sight of Edward, my rescuer. He was grabbing the cat before it could even attempt to move from its crouch. My first insane thought was an idiotic fear of Edward getting hurt, even while the relief for my own rescue coursed through my being.

Edward's cold, white face was frighteningly furious. He was nothing more than an insubstantial blur to my unfocused eyes. I could see him, looking so much wilder than the cougar, pouncing on the cat. The blow was so hard that the cougar's back had to have been broken by the sheer weight of the impact from the solid stone of Edward's body. The cat screamed from the pain and rage, and reached out one huge paw to swipe across Edward's side with its razor-sharp claws.

My cry of fear mingled with the cougar's scream of rage in the moist air.

But then, suddenly, it was over in one final move. The entire fight had only taken seconds to begin and end. As if in a dream, I saw Edward's quick, efficient fingers wrap around the huge cat's throat. Then he twisted upward and snapped the creature's neck as if it were nothing stronger than a twig. I heard the shattering of the strong bones, and I involuntarily flinched from the sound.

The cougar's body fell lifelessly from the tree. The corpse landed inert with a sickening crunch—and it landed exactly where'd I'd been sitting, paralyzed from fear, only mere seconds before. If I had stayed in that position, I would have been crushed.

I realized that the providentially rescuing arms around me were the arms of Alice.

"I saw it happen only a few seconds ago, just as we pulled into the driveway," she panted, her black eyes glinting frighteningly with terrifying malice. Was she mad at me or herself? "I'm sorry, Bella…I was watching a different future and was almost too late…are you all right? Are you hurt?" Her voice was calm, but tight.

"Fine…I'm fine…" I gasped out, beginning to hyperventilate despite the fact that I was perfectly safe now. I could feel my blood thawing from the cold of impending death, and warming from the realization of what I had so narrowly avoided. It hurt—it meant feeling everything more clearly.

"Edward…he…it…Edward…" I stuttered incoherently—I would have been embarrassed by my slurred words if I weren't so unutterably relieved. I reached a trembling hand up toward where Edward was standing above me, desperately wanting him to be beside me again, holding me, protecting me.

Edward caught sight of me as I was leaning, gasping, in the support of Alice's uplifting arms. I could see the rage still seething in his stony face as he gazed down at the body of his vanquished enemy. But the anger was swiftly replaced with an indefinable fear as he caught sight of the expression on my face and heard the rapid pace of my heart.

He grabbed hold of a tree branch and swung back down to the ground as effortlessly as breathing, reaching my side in a millisecond. If had blinked, I would have missed the movement entirely, it was so smooth and quick and natural.

I sobbed aloud and tried to take a step toward him, but of course, I stumbled over my own feet. Alice steadied me at the same time that Edward got there, and he scooped me up from the half sitting position I'd fallen into.

With a thankful nod at his favorite sister, Edward cradled me in his arms and found a convenient fallen tree to sit down upon. He gently placed me on his lap, running his cold fingers over my scalp with feather light touches. I was certain that he was making sure that I hadn't hit my head. I was just grateful to be safe in his arms again—he could do whatever he liked.

"Are you all right, Bella?"

His question was asked in a low, angry tone of voice. At this point in our relationship, I was well aware of the fact that I wasn't the one he was angry with. He was mad at himself, for not being omnipresent and omniscient in order to have kept this from happening in the first place. With these thoughts in my mind, I was barely aware of him turning my arms and hands over, his eyes missing nothing. He was checking me for scrapes or cuts, but he could find none. I was just fine. His fingers tickled when he checked my ribs for breaks or bruises, but I couldn't laugh.

"I'm…perfect," I replied, trying desperately to calm down per his order earlier today. I felt sick to my stomach, no, sick to my very core. "Don't start…that blame game again…okay? Not your fault."

Edward scoffed, but didn't really argue. Sensing the hysteria building within me, he started rubbing my back soothingly, in rhythmic patterns. I retched a little, both from the fear and from the chaos that was building in my stomach.

He realized before I did what was making me so sick. He tucked my head into the cold haven offered by his shoulder. The movement effectively cooled my overheated forehead, while simultaneously ensuring that I wouldn't have to see the motionless body of the predator or smell its blood. I breathed in his unique fragrance, and it calmed me, even though I couldn't quite stop crying.

"Shhh, love, it's all right. You're safe. I won't let anything hurt you. It's ok…" Edward crooned in my ear. He looked up then and said just one word, quietly. "Emmett."

I slowly opened one of my eyes and saw that the other Cullens were appearing one after another, all looking thoroughly windblown from their fast-paced sprint from the house. I realized that they must have heard something to draw them so quickly to the site of the near miss—or maybe Jasper had felt my fear and Edward's rage, and had alerted them to the situation.

Emmett nodded at the words. His open, boyish face was abnormally serious as he instinctively understood what Edward was asking of him. Loping over to the dead cougar with a thundering grace, he lifted the body into his huge arms and disappeared into the forest in a blur of motion. He was obviously disposing of the dead animal so that I wouldn't have to look at it or smell its blood anymore. I silently thanked Edward for his kindness, and blessed Emmett for his willingness to do the heavy lifting.

I was finally starting to calm down, but I was still really scared and gasping. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" I blubbered into Edward's shoulder.

"Whatever in the world are you sorry for?" I heard his bewildered voice say into my ear. "I'm the one that should be apologizing to you. Or perhaps you really should be sorry—it's your atrociously wonderful scent that keeps getting us into all this trouble. Even the animals can't ignore it! What am I going to do with you?" He laughed, but it didn't make me feel happy, like his laugh usually did. "I must inform you that I refuse to share you with dumb animals."

I ignored the attempted joke and replied, "I'm sorry….you told me to stay calm and…I…I can't…"

"Oh, my silly, beautiful Bella." He hugged me tighter, tucking my head under his chin so that he could hold me all the more securely against his heart. "It's truly all right, love; I'll make a special dispensation in the rules just this once for you, to show how much I appreciate you trying to listen to me when I'm gone. I just want to ask you one thing, darling—would you please try to calm down now? Everything's safe, and I'm here with you, and I will never allow anything to ever harm you."

I nodded, trying hard to obey him.

"If I might make a suggestion," Carlisle's quiet voice interrupted, "I think that we should all go back to the house now. It's getting late, and I don't want Bella to be out in the cold when the night falls."

Silently, Edward nodded in agreement. He stood up, carrying me in his strong, reassuring arms. I snuggled into his embrace as he ran us back to the house, trying desperately all the while to banish the image of the stalking cat from my mind. Usually I was very good at repressing bad things, probably too good. Why couldn't I manage to repress this? The memory was burned behind my eyes like the after-image to a firework explosion. I just couldn't drive it out.

It was strange, really, how much the cat had looked like Victoria to me. The feral crouch, the obvious thirst, the crimson glint to its eyes…

I felt a wave of calm pass over me, and I realized that Jasper was running beside us protectively. I was sure that I saw Edward nod at his brother in voiceless thanks.

Seconds later, we were all back inside the house.


	14. The Gift

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would be running around in a blur instead of having to use my rinky dink car to get around

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would be running around in a blur instead of having to use my rinky dink car to get around.

A/N: To those of you who complained that the last chapter was too short, I offer you this as a consolation prize. For those of you who praised my skill and made me smile, I offer this as a thank you present. And for those of you who really wish that this chapter is in _Breaking Dawn_, I offer this as a taste of what is hopefully to come. This is one of my favorite chapters, and I hope that you'll agree. Please keep reviewing, and I'll keep updating. You guys are awesome!

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"Geez, Bella!" Emmett exclaimed lightly as he burst in through the back door just a few seconds after the rest of us. His hands and arms were wet—he must have rinsed the blood from the dead animal off of his body before coming in, bless him. His forethought wouldn't keep him from joking with me, though. "Can't you give it a rest for just a little while? Hasn't your danger magnet lost its magnetic properties by now, from the sheer weight of what you make it pull all the time? You're really a marvel to modern science—somebody should conduct a study."

"Ha, ha, Emmett," I said sarcastically. I couldn't quite be mad at his teasing, not while I was still happily ensconced in Edward's arms. "I merely thought that you would get bored without a little excitement around here—we haven't had any since we left Forks. So I decided to oblige your unspoken request, and provoked a hungry cougar to attack me while I was merely sitting under a tree." I glared at him, but I think he could see the twinkle in my eyes. "Aren't you happy now? You got the glory of disposing of the horrible thing, after all."

He pouted. I didn't think that I'd ever seen anything funnier in my life. There, standing before me, was an enormous male vampire that enjoyed a closer resemblance to most wild animals than he did to actual human beings—and he was pouting like a four-year-old. I could have tripped over his lower lip, it was jutting out so low.

"Yeah, but I didn't get the fun of killing it," he reminded me sulkily. "Do you think you could maybe irritate something else for me, something like a sleepy mother grizzly? That would be a challenge, and fun. Haven't you ever seen a mother bear attack?" he asked me, hope shining in his eyes. "How can you resist the chance for a little adventure?"

Edward hissed at Emmett, his patience obviously completely gone. "I think Bella has had quite enough adventure for one day, Emmett. Leave her alone."

I rubbed his cheek with my hand. "It's all right, Edward. I don't mind a little teasing, and Emmett's right. It looks as if my danger magnet isn't asleep after all, more's the pity."

Emmett looked around the room at his family, gesturing at me. "See? See? I want you all to remember this. She said that I was right." He nodded empathically to punctuate his words.

It really wasn't right for Arnold Swartzenegger's twin to look so smug.

Rosalie rolled her eyes mockingly at her husband. "Yes, Emmett, it's definitely a red letter day for us all. Remind me to mark it down later in your baby book statistics, all right? Now you might want to shut up, or Edward will rip out your tongue. He's looking only slightly irritated at the moment."

Emmett cast a nervous glance in Edward's direction. Obliging Rosalie's prompt, Edward audibly snapped his teeth together. I could see Jasper hand Alice a folded bill when the sound reached them—were they honestly taking bets?

"Everyone, calm down this minute," Esme said firmly as she put her small hands on her hips. "You heard me," she said, when they all looked at her incredulous. "Not one of you is too old for me to ground, and I will do it, too. You can count on it."

For the first time since I'd met her, Esme was glaring at her adopted brood, and I could see them all shifting uncomfortably in their places. I would have laughed if I weren't afraid of getting included in Esme's fierce death stare—the idea of Rosalie or Jasper getting grounded was quite entertaining to me.

However, it obviously wasn't an empty threat on Esme's part. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Alice slip the keys to her new yellow Porsche under the sofa's back cushions. This was accomplished in a lightning fast movement while her mother's back was turned—Esme was looking toward Emmett in order to glare at him all the more appropriately. I decided that Alice probably thought that if Esme couldn't find the car keys, then she wouldn't be able take them away.

Edward looked down at my face when he felt me shaking in his arms. He looked startled, yet relieved, when he realized that my convulsions were from suppressed laughter and not from fear at all. His lips twitched in response, which just made me shake all the harder. He put a finger on my lips to keep my giggles from becoming audible and thus getting us both into trouble with an irate Esme.

"All right, everybody, let's break it up," Carlisle said as he came into the den, clicking a phone shut with his fingers as he walked. "We can discuss all of this at a later time. For the moment, I think it would be for the best if everybody took an hour or two to calm down. It's been a stressful day for all involved, and we don't need any fights breaking out due to idiocy."

"Agreed," Alice chirped, suddenly looking far too happy about something. I saw her glance at where Edward was standing, still holding me close, and she smirked at her brother. Edward sent her a fierce look that would have melted steel, and she raised her hands in sudden surrender. "We'll see you all later," she remarked hastily, grabbing Jasper's hand and leading him off somewhere. I almost started laughing again as I caught myself wondering just what those two were going off to do…

The room was cleared, then, without my really being aware of it. I had no idea where Emmett and Rosalie had gone, but I _had_ seen Esme and Carlisle walking off, whispering to one another. I thought I heard Carlisle say something about "old friends" before he disappeared with Esme into the darkened kitchen.

Edward looked down at me. "So, where do you want to go?" he asked casually.

"What do you mean?" I was totally bewildered.

"I've been keeping you cooped up in that bedroom for far too long. I'm sorry about that, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I don't think that I'll let you leave without me again, but I want you to go wherever you want to, just as long as I'm with you. So, then, where to? I'm your slave."

I pondered this, truly amazed at his new flexibility. I had just narrowly avoided being mauled by a wild animal, and he was acting as if it hadn't even happened! Still, I didn't mind the lack of his worry, and finally said, "I'd like you to show me where your piano is kept, if you don't mind. And hold the slavery offer; I like you just as you are. I believe in equality in a relationship."

I winked, but was suddenly afraid that I was stepping on his toes—metaphorically speaking. "I know some musicians can be testy about their instruments," I added anxiously. "Do _you_ mind if I see your piano?"

"Not at all." Edward sounded truly delighted by my request, in point of fact. "However, I want you to be sure to let me know the very minute you get tired, all right?"

So he was worried; he was just hiding it from me.

"I promise I will."

"Good," Edward replied, already walking through the living room. He came to a small door that was almost hidden between two enormous bookcases, and touched an expensive-looking keypad, entering some kind of complicated code. I faintly heard some mechanism within the wall click, and then Edward twisted the doorknob with one twitch of his fingers.

I gaped openly at the room.

"So, what do you think?" I heard the humor in Edward's voice as he took in my awed expression. Pleasure radiated from him.

"Oh, Edward…" I breathed. "It's so beautiful!"

And it was. There was his enormous, black, grand piano. It was standing proudly in the middle of the room. A gargantuan bookcase that hugged one of the walls held a multitude of carefully filed sheet music and books, some of them appearing to be quite old. A bay window was behind the piano, with a padded window seat in front of it. The window was framed by heavy golden drapes. The floor was a rich wood—I thought it might be cherry from its red hue. Some complicated equipment that I would never even dare to touch, let alone use, stood in the corner. I looked at it quizzically, wondering what all of it could possibly be for.

Seeing what I was looking at, Edward took me over to examine it properly and explain the machinery's functions. "With this equipment," he said, pointing at individual pieces one by one, "I can record and write my music. Here are microphones, sound boards—the works. I could make a professional grade cd right from this very room if I wanted to. Maybe I will soon."

I nodded encouragingly at this idea, and he laughed. "Emmett's been dying to get his paws on this stuff and make some sort of shoddy rap cd, but I've headed him off at the pass on that one. The door has an electronic lock that only lets me in, and you're the only one I'll give the combination to. He's not happy with me about all that, of course." He looked totally unperturbed by the fact that his behemoth of a brother was irritated with him. "If he were smart, he'd just ask Alice to watch my future and tell him the combination, or he could get Rosalie to hack the system." A brilliant smile lit up Edward's face at that. "He doesn't know, though, that I've installed a little surprise for him if that happens. If he gets into the room, sensors will detect him and a siren will go off and the lights will go flash red. I'm somewhat looking forward to seeing his reaction to that."

I snickered—it would without a doubt scare the crap out of Emmett, which would indeed be highly amusing to watch. A swift mental image of him jumping into Rosalie's arms crossed my mind. I suppressed it, though, because I didn't want to interrupt Edward.

"And this computer over here," he said, indicating a silver laptop with a twitch of his thumb, "has a program on it that is really very cool." He set me down in the chair at the desk so that he could move the mouse on the computer around impressively. I was easily impressed, after all, when it came to computers. "You see, I can play something on the piano, and this program will decipher the notes, translate the rhythms, and set it all down on the page. It saves me from having to do hours and hours of transcribing, and just lets me play as I wish." He picked me back up again, in order to continue the tour.

I felt my heart clench up from a new thought. It felt distinctly of regret and shame.

"What is it?" Edward asked, stopping as he felt my body tense. "Are you tired?"

"You've had all of this down here ever since we moved, and you've been spending every minute of your time cooped up in that bedroom with me? When you could have been here during that time, so happy and with your new machines and piano?" I whispered. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I never meant to keep you from your music—I know what it means to you." I hung my head. "I feel terribly selfish right now. You should have said something."

To my surprise, he laughed at me. "Silly girl, I _want_ to be with you. I'll have music until the world ends, but I only have you in this form for a few more days." He tickled my sides, and I squirmed to keep from giggling at the sensation. "Don't you worry about me, sweetheart. I'm exactly where I want to be."

His every word rang with sincerity, and his eyes were clear. I believed him.

"Besides," he whispered, capturing my eyes with a suddenly hot gaze. "You're my muse. I haven't spent all those hours while you were asleep looking into space, you know. I've been working on a new piece." I heard a little bit of strain in his voice, but I couldn't quite account for the reason of it. "Would…would you like to hear it? You'd be the first," he coaxed, his velvet voice just a trifle unsteady.

"Of course I want to hear it. You know that I want to hear everything you do," I told him, shaking his shoulder a little.

Ever so carefully, Edward sat down on the piano bench with me still cradled in his arms. He scooted the bench back from the piano and sat on the far edge. He set me down in front of him between his legs, his long arms reaching around me to touch the keys.

"Edward!" I scolded, suddenly hesitant even though I loved being exactly where I was. "You'll never be able to play with me sitting here like this. I can truly go sit down on the window seat—it won't hurt my feelings."

"But you hurt mine," he said, looking utterly pitiful, "when you think that I can't play. No matter what the situation is, I can always play. Trust me, Bella; you aren't so big that you'll hamper my motion to any degree." He took his hands from the keys for a minute and wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging my back to his chest. "Besides, I find myself highly unwilling to be parted from you at the moment, so I'm afraid that you'll just have to deal with being a little uncomfortable. I'm fully prepared to be a tyrant about it if you argue."

"Me, uncomfortable?" I looked at him scornfully. "Oh, boy, you obviously don't know me that well. I was just worried about you, maestro." His eyebrows lifted—I'd never called him that before. "You're usually just so picky about your piano."

"Yes, I am indeed picky, and unjustifiably so. This is a nice piano, and I would loathe having to replace it. I've already had to buy one new piano in the last decade, and I hate doing that. My last instrument was destroyed that time Jasper and Emmett started wrestling in the music room and Emmett threw Jasper right into the strings. He smashed it to bits—it took Alice and Esme a very long while to convince me not to rip them both limb from limb. As I recall, the boys went to go hide in Maine for a week." He shuddered at the memory. "I still regret letting the girls influence me and allowing them to get away with it."

My mouth was open in shock. I was surprised that Jasper and Emmett had only gone to Maine—if I'd been the one to destroy Edward's piano, I wouldn't have stopped until I hit Siberia, if then.

He smirked at my expression and added, "However, this picky musician also demands quiet, so I ask you to please close that adorable mouth and listen closely, madam."

I laughed and leaned my head against his shoulder. "Okay, I'm settled. You may fire when ready, Gridley."

He rolled his eyes at me, and started to play.

It was a very different piece from my lullaby, but it still contained the same elements of Edward's grace and extraordinary ability. The theme was gentle and silky, but somehow solid and constant at the same time. You could always count on the notes to appear, and they were rich and warm when they fulfilled the unspoken promise.

A tear came to my eyes as I suddenly realized that this piece personified what Edward meant to me—unchanging in his constancy, but beautiful beyond comparison.

I felt a soft kiss cool my right ear and I couldn't help from moaning a little at the sensation. His quiet voice held no humor for my lack of self-control when it spoke—it only held love. "I may not be able to read your mind, my Bella, but I get the idea every once in a while. You must be thinking the same thing as I am right now—you must know that I wrote this piece thinking about what you meant to me."

"And here I was thinking that it was exactly right for showing what you mean to me," I replied softly. "It's beautiful and constant, and the soul is rich beyond comparison. The notes are always there when you need them, just like you. This music is exactly what you are to me, Edward Cullen."

"Then we are mutually admiring of one another," he said with a soft chuckle and a kiss on my cheek. He continued to play, and it didn't seem that his playing was at all hampered by my close proximity.

"Bella?"

"Hmmm?" I was feeling terribly relaxed.

"Are you sure that you're all right?" I could hear the fear in Edward's voice.

"I'm perfect, Edward. Don't worry."

He was quiet for a second. "Just when I got there—it was the most surreal thing, Bella. For the briefest moment, I could almost believe that it was that these past few years never happened. I was back in time, living the night the truth came out." His voice got a little stronger. "It was when we were in Port Angeles. You had the exact same look on your face that you did then, when I drove up and rescued you from those swine. You didn't look afraid then…and you didn't a moment ago, when I first saw you looking up at that bloody cat as it got ready to pounce. Why didn't you look scared?"

I shrugged. "Because I wasn't afraid, Edward."

His voice was nothing more than a fervent breath. "How could you not be?"

I put my hand on his cheek as it leaned on my shoulder. "Because I've faced a worse fate before, Edward, and it wasn't death. The worst that could ever happen to me was a life without you, and I've had to live through that already." I blocked the memories. I didn't want to think of them. All of that was over, and I was here now.

"I have to say that death by cougar isn't high on my list of great ways to die, of course, but at least I knew that you loved me this time. That was more than I had that day in the meadow. To be honest, I was hurting more from the idea of being separated from you than I was from the knowledge that I soon wouldn't be alive."

He shuddered. "Bella? I need you to know that I will never leave you. Not ever."

"I know you won't."

"Yes, but I want to _show_ you."

Edward abruptly stopped playing and scooped me up with one hand around my waist and another under my legs. He turned me around so that I could see his face, and settled me in sideways in his lap. "I kept my promise. I got you something new to look at today, when I was in Anchorage. Well, this isn't new, not exactly, but I did get it repaired and cleaned." He eyed the excitement on my face. "Would you like to see it, and hear about the real gift that I have for you? It isn't new, either, but it's all yours."

"Yes," I breathed, my heart stuttering a little. Was this what I thought it was?

Slowly, almost as if he were afraid of frightening me with his movements, Edward reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small box. It was covered in rich black satin. I immediately knew what that box was, and tears sprang up in my eyes. I'd seen boxes like that before today, usually on TV shows and movies, but they had never brought me any joy. They always brought happiness to other people. Was it truly my turn now, to experience that special moment?

Edward noticed my tears, of course, but seemed to understand that I wasn't mad or upset. "I'd get down on one knee," he said, sounding a little choked, "but I really don't want to put you down."

He took a deep breath. "Isabella Marie Swan, I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I've loved you from the moment I first saw you…first smelled you. You are my everything, Bella—you are my waking dream, my fairy tale, my soul mate, and the truest of true loves. I never want to be parted from you, not for a single second. I never want anyone else to see you and not know immediately that you are mine. I want to hold you, to take care of you, to protect you, and to love you until the end of the world. Neither the ring nor my heart is young, but they both belong to you. My Bella…will you please promise to be my wife?"

The tears were rolling down my cheeks. So _this_ is what Alice had seen to make her so smug earlier. That didn't really matter, though. All that mattered was him and me, and this moment. And I was keeping him waiting.

"Yes," I whispered, hoping that he would be able to understand my quavering voice. "A thousand times, yes. I will be your wife. I love you, Edward, more than life itself, and I want to spend an eternity at your side." Joy lit up his face, making it far more beautiful than ever before.

And then I found that I couldn't breathe, I was being held so tightly in Edward's arms. The pressure only lasted the barest of seconds, though, only the amount of time that it took Edward's lips to find mine.

They were hard, hungry, but oh, so gentle and sweet against my lips. Our caress moved and flowed, and shivers stirred up and down my spine. One his hands lightly gripped my waist, keeping me steady and balanced on my perch on his lap. The other was wrapped around my neck, keeping my mouth trapped against his.

Edward parted my lips with his own in a swift, capable movement, and he breathed cold air into my mouth. The scent made me woozy, and I gasped in delight. He artfully used the opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth for the first time in our relationship. He'd never allowed it before, even though I used to try my hardest to bring this moment about. I couldn't describe how wonderful it was for him to initiate, for him to want me as badly as I wanted him. He wasn't holding me at arm's length any longer. The intimacy brought about what I would declare, incontrovertibly, to be the most incredible sensations of my life—the sheer taste of him was wonderful, so rich and yet so sweet. His icy, smooth tongue twisted with mine in sleek movements, and he learned the interior of my mouth as if it were a song or poem. I knew that I couldn't return the favor because of his venom-coated teeth, but I was too busy enjoying the moment to ponder that fact overmuch.

With a leap of my heart, I felt his fingers entangle themselves in my hair. They were gently pushing my face even closer to his, effectively deepening our kiss, letting his tongue reach farther. My hands responded similarly, but he didn't seem to mind for once. I wasn't at all frightened—how could I be? Certainly not when I was being loved like this, not when I knew that my blood no longer bothered him. Even if the bloodlust suddenly did awake within him, I knew that I really couldn't care less. To be killed whilst feeling so loved _was_ high on my list of great ways to die.

With one final swish of his tongue within my mouth, he slowly pulled away and placed his ear over my rapidly pounding heart. I wasn't the only one panting, but I was the only one that really needed the air.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he muttered into my ear. "I shouldn't have gotten you so excited, but I just couldn't help myself. You're so beautiful, and I'm unbelievably happy. Still, that doesn't excuse my behavior." He looked at me anxiously, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. "Are you all right?"

"Don't you dare apologize," I said fiercely once my lungs weren't screaming for air any more. "You just asked me to marry you. Number one, I'm gonna be breathless just from the happiness, and number two, _you just asked me to marry you. _You love me, enough to keep me for forever." I put my hands on either side of his face. "Never, ever say that you're sorry for a moment like this, no matter how badly this stupid human body of mine behaves."

He lifted his head within my hands, and he darted in to kiss me on my nose. I closed my eyes and murmured, "I long to be yours, Edward, really and truly yours. I'm broken and scarred, but if you don't mind that, then there is nothing in the world I desire more than to be your wife."

"Oh, my love, you are _not_ broken and scarred. You're perfect and beautiful and beyond all comparison," Edward admonished me, his eyes very bright with emotion. "And you _are_ mine, whether you have a gold wedding ring on your finger or not. Marriage won't change our level of commitment to one another. I just would like things to be a little more settled, at least legally and morally."

"Speaking of rings," I hinted, once coherent thought got started in my brain again.

"Ah, yes, we never got to that part, did we? That was naughty of me, but you distracted me." With one movement that was so smooth that I didn't realize we were changing position until it was over, Edward had moved us both to the padded window seat. "There, now, that's a little more comfortable," he stated. He took his own sweet time as he arranged me comfortably on his lap and leaned against the wall.

I rolled my eyes tapped my fingers against the arm he had wrapped around me. I caught him eyeing me with amusement. Edward was certainly enjoying watching me squirm in impatience as he got settled in painfully slow, exaggerated movement.

"Just show me the damn ring, Edward," I finally pleaded, elbowing him in the ribs. "It's not nice to make a girl wait to see her engagement ring!"

"All right, all right! Goodness, I'm marrying an impatient girl," he laughed. A thrilled went through me when he said "marry." I could easily see that he had enjoyed saying it as much as I had enjoyed hearing it, but neither of us made a comment on his word choice.

When I had finished with my fidgeting, he handed me the ring box. "This belonged to my mother. If you don't like it, I can get you something new—maybe something from Tiffany's," he said quickly, obviously nervous about my reaction.

I glared at him to make him be quiet just as I got my finger under the edge of the lid. The top of the ring box sprang back with a well-hinged snap that would have frightened me if I hadn't been prepared for it. A ray of light coming from the sunset behind us made something within the box glimmer, and I eagerly turned the box so that I could see the ring more clearly.

My ring was beautiful, utterly beautiful. The thin gold band supported a platform that was set with a web of tiny, perfect diamonds. The gems glinted and caught the light, inexorably reminding me of Edward's skin on the sunshine. The gold was smooth, and it warmed slightly at my touch when I tentatively stroked a finger along its edge.

Seeing that I was completely overwhelmed, Edward gently took the box from my trembling hands and removed the ring from its bounds in the padded box. Locking his exquisite golden eyes on my ordinary brown ones, he slowly slid the ring up my finger, straightening it at the end of its journey so that the setting was perfectly centered. The gold felt like silk as it glided smoothly past my knuckle.

It was a perfect fit.

"Do you like it?" he whispered.

"Is the pope a Catholic?" I whispered back.

He grinned at that. "I'll be very frightened if he isn't."

"Oh, so you'd like an answer that isn't rhetorical, huh? Then most ardently, yes. I do like it," I admitted aloud. "You know that very well." I nudged against him. "It's the most beautiful ring I've ever seen, the most beautiful ring in the entire world. I just can't believe it's really and truly mine."

"And I can't believe that you're really and truly mine now." He sighed, sounding totally content. It was quite possibly the best sound I'd ever heart. "I want to thank you, Bella," he continued, "for giving me the most precious gift—you've given me your heart, and your promise to marry me. You saw past the monster that I am and resurrected the man within me."

Suddenly, I felt Edward body convulse with laughter under me—while I loved hearing him laugh, I was very annoyed that he'd been interrupted. "You should probably know that Alice is seriously considering breaking down the door, since it's locked and she can't get in to gloat and squeal about us," he chuckled. "She saw this happening in a vision earlier and nearly blurted it out for the entire world to hear."

"That's what I figured had happened," I replied with a roll of my eyes. "You looked like you were going to choke her." I sighed. "I love them, but _geez_, they sure have lousy timing_. _I guess we'll have to face them sometime, huh?"

"Yes," he agreed, kissing my cheek. "It's inevitable, I'm afraid." He certainly wasn't acting like he was in any hurry either to emerge from our hiding place, possibly because he could hear the tumult of everyone's thoughts.

I squeezed his hand and he sighed. "Come on; let's go meet them in the den. We just might be able to get to them before Alice enlists Emmett's help and they wreck my music room. Emmett would be only too glad to knock down a wall or two, _especially_ if he knows that it's going to annoy me and ruin a sentimental moment." He smiled wryly. "I'd really hate to have to chase them both to China just after I'd gotten engaged, but I would if they hurt my piano…or you, for that matter. Accidents do happen when walls are flying around one's head, and Emmett isn't exactly careful with his strength."

He paused again, listening. "Hmmm. It appears that Jasper is doing his best to contain them, but, unfortunately, he's working entirely alone. Carlisle and Esme aren't being much help to him at the moment—they want to see us almost as badly as Alice does. Rosalie isn't doing much for the cause, either. She's too busy laughing at Emmett and remembering the day he proposed to her, at least for when he proposed for the first time. I won't share _those _particular details with you…wish I wasn't hearing them myself." He shuddered. "There are times when I yearn for the possibility of bleaching my brain from the images they force upon me.

I laughed airily. "While Emmett portraying the role of a wrecking ball would be entertaining to see, I don't think I want to see your happy place destroyed…or you gone to China, for that matter. You'd be gone for far too long and that would make me sad." Edward looked stricken at that, and I had to kiss him for a while before he would lighten up. I don't think he minded.

I nudged him when I was finished cheering him up. "Come on, Sir Galahad. Carry me with thine arms, that I might greet our unruly subjects." I shook my head. "Peasants. They have no absolutely consideration at all for the feelings of the royal class. I suppose that we must appease them now, or they might attempt a rebellion."

Getting up, he set me back down on the window seat and bowed low. The movement was full of an old-fashioned chivalry. "With the greatest of pleasure, my lady, will I obey thine commandment."

I giggled, and then he carried me toward the door that led into the den, that we might face a far too excited family of vampires.


	15. The Vision

Disclaimer: If I owned it, my boyfriend would be strong and shiny

Disclaimer: If I owned it, my boyfriend would be strong and shiny.

A/N: And the plot thickens….

Review!

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It was utter bedlam in the Cullen house when Edward and I finally emerged from the music room—much to Emmett's chagrin, I might add, since he'd really been looking forward to throwing himself into a wall. I was kissed on the cheek and hugged and asked to show my ring off while Edward was pounded on his back by his brothers. They delighted in warning him that all of his cherished freedom would come to an end the absolute minute he said "I do." Alice and Rosalie stuck out their tongues at their husbands, who just laughed. Edward didn't seem to mind the idea in the least, though, which he showed by squeezing my hand reassuringly in his.

However, it had taken a _very_ long time, first to convince Alice to stop bouncing around the house, and then to put off the wedding until after I was changed and a fellow immortal. Everybody else ended up getting bored with the argument after the second hour of it, and they deserted the room, leaving Edward and me to deal with Alice on our own. Alice's pout would have melted a heart of stone…except that it didn't really work on Edward's, and he was kind enough to help me to stand firm in the face of such a blatant guilt-trip. It was the only thing that saved me from succumbing.

"Alice," I said firmly when I caught Edward nodding at me to keep me strong, "if you don't mind, please, I would really prefer to be a little stronger than this when I attend my own wedding. I would vastly enjoy being able to walk down the aisle under my own power, and not have to be carried by Carlisle or Jasper. You can understand that, can't you?" I felt my eyes well up with tears, which didn't bring me any shame at all—I had only one or two small human tricks up my sleeve that worked to my advantage, and I was determined to use them against Alice.

Alice caught the look on my face, and grumbled. "That's really unfair, you know. I wish I could use the old teary-eyed look when I wanted something too, but nooo. I have to make due with the usual vampire skills."

I giggled. "They seem to work fairly well for you. I hardly ever win an argument with you, and I don't think anybody else does, either."

"Oh, fine, then!" Alice glowered dangerously. "We can wait a few weeks, if that's what you really want. I guess I can use the time to make the ceremony prettier."

"Don't you dare go overboard, Alice," Edward warned his sister with a glint in his eye. "This isn't going to be a big affair—neither of us wants pomp and circumstance. It'll just be us, and possibly the Denali coven. The wedding doesn't have to be over the top."

"Edward, Edward, Edward," Alice replied, shaking her spiky head sadly. I admired her ability to say his name like that—it never sounded right when I tried it. "Do you honestly think that it is physically possible for me not to go overboard when I'm planning something this important?" She patted his head patronizingly. "You just trust little ole Alice, because she'll be sure to take good care of you both. It's just sad that I know what's best for the two of you in this matter when you don't have a clue. _Esme!"_ She screeched suddenly, scaring me as she ran off without any warning. I guess she'd had enough talk and wanted to get to work.

"Good grief," Edward said, rubbing his left ear ruefully as he sat on the couch with me. "Well…that was actually easier than I was expecting it to be. At least we won on the time point, if not the actual ceremony." His brow furrowed. "Are you sure this is really all okay with you, Bella? If you don't want a big ceremony, we could always just sneak off to Vegas. Alice would forgive us in a decade or two."

"You wouldn't DARE do that to me, Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan!" I heard Alice shriek shrilly from an upstairs room. "Because I would NEVER forgive you!"

Edward winced.

I started laughing. "Well, aside from the obvious reason of why we shouldn't sneak off," I said, pointing meaningfully at the ceiling when Alice was undoubtedly listening to every word of this theoretically private conversation, "I don't think that I really want to, and for more reasons than my natural distaste of Vegas. Do you know, I think I'm actually looking forward to all this?" I caught him looking at me skeptically, and I nodded to affirm the notion. "I'm twenty-one years old, Edward, and nobody can accuse me of being knocked-up or something. Well, nobody can really object, seeing that I'm dead to the rest of the world, but that's not the point at the moment. The point is, I'm ready now, like I wasn't when I was younger.

"It'll be nice, actually, getting married to the real love of my life instead of to a substitute," I considered, a finger tapping on my chin. "I know that Jacob will feel the same way when the time comes for him and Dani. So don't worry about it, or me, dear heart. Just as long as Alice doesn't have fighter jets to go screaming overhead in formation the moment we say our vows or something insane like that, I won't mind the ceremony a bit."

Edward scoffed. "Alice would never do anything so tactless as to have fighter jets at the wedding. She could never get them to color coordinate with the wedding party." I started to sigh in relief, but that was before he continued with, "She'll probably just have us carried to the wedding on elephants, or else have an enormous fountain made with stone figures sculpted in our image. Come to think of it, I believe that you'd look very nice with water pouring down elegantly from your hands," he said, eyeing me critically.

"Good idea!" floated down from the upstairs.

"Oh, Lord!" I groaned.

Edward laughed at me.

My transformation was two weeks away now, and thankfully, Edward's and my routine had changed quite a bit. He would wake me up in the morning with soft kisses, and serve me breakfast in bed. Once I was bathed and dressed with either Alice or Esme, or even sometimes Rosalie, assisting me, Edward would make me lie back down in bed for a while. Sometimes I would fall back to sleep to the sound of his velvet humming, or he would read aloud to me.

After I'd eaten lunch, he'd pick me up in his arms carefully and carry me down to the music room with him. This was my undoubtedly my favorite part of the day. I would lie on the huge window seat while Edward played the piano or messed around with his electronic equipment, tweaking the song he'd written for me. Sometimes I would read, and sometimes I would daydream, but mostly I just listened and watched him. I also usually fell asleep at some point, and would awaken nestled in Edward's arms. It was definitely my favorite way to nap, and I don't think he minded it, either. Alice was teaching me how to crochet, so I would work on a blanket when the mood struck me. It was a good hobby, mostly because it would allow me to be productive while only having to look at what I was doing occasionally, giving me the option of gazing at an extremely handsome vampire instead. The work was so repetitive that I could actually do it without getting tangled up in the yarn or cutting myself, so Alice was forgiven for screeching in Edward's ear.

Edward and I would spend the entire afternoon in the music room, just enjoying the quiet and being with one another. Eventually, Edward would pick me up and carry me to the den, where we would talk for a while with the rest of the family and answer Alice's rapid fire questions about our wedding preferences that she tossed at us with no mercy. Carlisle would usually come home from work in the middle of this discussion, and would listen to us battle back and forth with a look of wry amusement on his kind face. I'd eat dinner and go back to my room, where I'd have my daily check-up from Carlisle and change into my pajamas. Edward would lie down with me on the bed, and we'd talk in soft whispers until I got sleepy, when his lullaby generally sent me off into la-la-land.

It was a good way to live, but I did wish that I felt stronger. I also yearned for sunlight—the Alaskan summer was definitely over, and the world had been plunged into an almost unceasing darkness. If I had been cold before the lack of sun, I was always freezing now. I wished for spring, and I wished for the fourth day after the venom coursed through my veins.

One morning Alice, Edward, and I were happily ensconced in my bedroom. I'd sternly forbidden Alice to even mention the wedding, which she'd pouted about, but eventually agreed to. So we were talking and laughing together about meaningless things, and they were answering my thousands of questions about being a vampire. Apparently, Alice couldn't wait until she could teach me how to forge bogus identifications.

They'd just finished telling me a fantastic story about the time when a plane the family was on that was supposed to be going to Vermont somehow got re-routed to the Caribbean of all places, when suddenly Alice went painfully still from her perch on the chair. Her face was a frightening void. Edward went just as still half a millisecond later, and I thought I heard him whisper in utter horror, "Oh, my God."

Alice came out of the vision with a snap of her head as she turned and looked at me where I'd frozen on the bed. She hissed quietly, "Go, Edward! You have just enough time to get out before they get here! Wrap up, it's pouring!" The words were so fast that I could barely discern what was he was saying. She darted out the door, so quickly that I couldn't see her move.

Faster than the time it takes to tell of it, Edward had somehow put three more layers of clothes on me than what I was already wearing. I didn't move, afraid that I would hamper what he was trying to do. His face was as blank as Alice's had been a moment ago, but his eyes were suddenly black and furious.

Alice reappeared, clutching something blue in her hand. Edward shook it out with a flick of his wrists and wrapped it around me as if I were a baby in swaddling. I realized that the material was a tarp.

Jasper suddenly appeared in the room, and handed Edward a small backpack. "Damn!" He growled in a deep voice. "I _knew_ that we should have had that cabin ready long ago." He tossed Edward a tiny silver cell phone. "We'll call the minute they're gone. Sorry that I couldn't pack more, but there isn't time. They'll be here in seven minutes, according to Alice. Get her out of here now!"

Nodding, Edward didn't stay any longer to argue or comment. He slung the backpack over his shoulders, reached over and grabbed me in his steely arms, and then leapt out the window into the rain.

And then he was running, like a forest spirit passing underneath the dripping trees. A stream of curses poured forth from his mouth, and I recognized the fact that they were in a multitude of different languages. I distinctly heard something that sounded like French, and then Italian, and then maybe Chinese.

He had moved on to what sounded somewhat like Swahili when I finally said, "Edward…what's going on?" My voice was breathless from shock as the cold rain hit my face like a thousand stinging needles from the speed of our flight.

His hand appeared and gently pushed my face into the side of his chest, so that my face was partially protected. "I'll tell you in a minute. We've got to get you away from here, right now. Just stay calm, please, and don't argue with me."

I was silent, then, complying with his request. I knew that tone of voice all too well, and I knew that it meant something was horribly wrong. The best way I had to help him was to shut up and not cause him any extra trouble.

After about half an hour of running, Edward finally came to a stop. I realized that this was the heart of the forest from the closeness of the enormous trees. Despite the heaviness of the tarp, I was soaked through to the skin, and the rain was coming down so hard that we might have been in a swimming pool.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Edward shouted, fighting to be heard over the din of the downpour as he sloshed through the puddles. "We just weren't ready yet. We knew that this was a possibility, and we were building a cabin in preparation for it, but we didn't know that it would come this soon." Anger made his voice fiery. "And now I have no warm and dry place to take you. It was stupid not to have been better prepared. I'm so, so sorry."

"You can be sorry when this is all over," I yelled, trying to keep my voice from quivering. "For the moment, it would be nice if you could just explain to me what the hell is going on. Besides, the story will distract us both. What did Alice see? Why were you building a cabin in the first place?"

Edward sighed, and he put his lips to my ear so that he wouldn't have to bellow at me. The quiet of his voice somehow overrode the fury of the storm. "Do you remember when we all went to Anchorage?"

"Yes, of course. That's the day your proposed and I almost got eaten," I said into his ear. "You never did explain to me what you were doing there in the city."

"We were there because the Volturi were there."

The word stirred something deep within my memory, and I finally remembered that the Volturi was the ruling family of vampires in Italy. "The ones Carlisle lived with for a while, after his transformation?"

He nodded.

"Why the heck would there be Volturi in _Alaska_?" I asked, totally bewildered.

"Because it's the Volturi's job to keep the vampire world secret," Edward said simply. "There was a group of three newborns in Anchorage that were wrecking havoc. They didn't understand the rules. The Volturi came to destroy the little coven before they revealed our existence, and before they killed any more humans than were necessary. The Volturi sent two of its best guards, creatures named Alec and Jane." He shuddered at the last name as it left his lips. "Alice foresaw their leader, Aro, telling his minions to come visit with Carlisle while they were so close to where we lived. Aro was curious about Carlisle's chosen way of life, and he wanted to know if his old friend's coven was still adhering to the vegetarian principles" He rolled his eyes. "Unfortunately, Alice also saw that if the Volturi discovered that we had a human living with us and that she wasn't yet a vampire, then they would try to kill you."

I shivered. His quiet words continued. "So we went to meet them in Anchorage instead, so that they wouldn't have to come find us here. That way we could keep you hidden at the house with Esme to look after you. I wanted to be the one who stayed here with you, but I had to be in Anchorage so that I could read their minds."

He paused, and I could feel him gathering his anger together so that he wouldn't explode. "Despite our best efforts, they smelled your scent on us and got curious. Carlisle said that you were just a neighbor, but they didn't buy it. Jane said that they would be by the house to visit, to 'see how we lived,' once all their work was done in the city. One of the newborns escaped, you see, and they had to track it down before they could leave. We offered to help them with the tracking just to get them out of here, but Jane preferred to do it herself. I knew that the real reason they refused was because Jane really just wanted to see the source of the strange scent on us for herself."

"Curious little sucker," I said wryly, trying to liven the moment. "I'm gonna tell her to get her nose out of our business if I ever see her."

"_No!_" Edward suddenly roared, frightening me with his fervor. "Never, _ever_ provoke Jane, Bella. She may not look dangerous, but she's one of the worst of our kind that I've ever come across. If I can at all prevent it, you will never meet her."

"Why—why is she so bad? What could possibly scare you about her?" I asked quietly, in disbelief that Edward could be so frightened.

"Jane is gifted, like Alice, Jasper and I, but she's even stronger than we are. Her power is that she can cause unbearable pain in anybody, just by looking at them. The pain is worse than any torture—the only thing that I have to compare it to would be the pain of transformation."

I looked at him, fear in my eyes, and he said, "No, Bella, she didn't use it on me, but I could easily see the results when she used her power on the newborns, and I could hear their screams in my mind. Poor Jasper was nearly incapacitated just by the fear and suicidal longing that he experienced coming from the newborns alone." His arms tightened around me. "I would rather die a thousand deaths than see you experience that, so you must always be perfectly polite if you ever have the misfortune to come across from her."

He stared sternly at me until I finally nodded in agreement, and then he relaxed.

"Still," he said, picking up his narrative again, "none of us thought that the Volturi be here this soon. Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle, and I were building a small cabin deep in the woods where you would be safe. We've worked on it in our spare time, but we haven't put the roof on yet, and it's barely framed. I can't even take you there now, because it isn't sturdy and I'm afraid the walls would collapse around us from the wind. That's why I have to sit here with you in the freezing rain, while some nosy vampire satisfies her morbid curiosity." He growled.

Oh. Well, it all made perfect sense to me now. I rubbed a hand against his cheek despite the chill of his skin and said, "Don't worry about me, Edward. I'm all right, and they probably won't stay long in any case. We'll be safely back in the house before too long. I'll be drinking hot chocolate, and we'll be laughing about the whole thing."

He breathed out, sounding wistful. "I hope you're right."

As it turned out, I was wrong. We sat there for hours upon hours, just waiting for his cell phone to ring. It never did. The clock ticked slowly towards nightfall, and the rain never abated for a moment. The rain eventually started to freeze, covering us both with a fine layer of ice as it landed on us. Edward fussed continually with the tarp and pulled a blanket out of his backpack, but they didn't do much good. The rain soaked mercilessly through everything no matter how thick it was, and then froze, and the tarp wasn't big enough to cover all of me at once.

I leaned my head against his shoulder, unable to hide the bone-shattering shivers that coursed through my body. I didn't speak, either, in order to keep him from hearing the misery in my voice that I couldn't mask.

Edward muttered to himself in a soft, constant monotone that I would catch bits and pieces of every once in a while. It sounded like he was weighing his options. "We can't go to the Denali coven for shelter, the Volturi would definitely know…can't make a fire, they'd smell it or see it…can't take her back, it'd mean killing them both or Jane hurting someone or them killing Bella…I can't leave her here alone to go get more supplies…why won't they just _leave_?"

He tried to make me eat something with the consistency of cardboard that he took from the backpack at one point, but I was too tired and weak to really even chew. I could feel his wild impatience to get me out of there building as he chaffed my arm to bring me some heat, but I could do nothing to make him feel better. If I said I was all right, he would know I was lying. If I ran screaming into the woods out of my own frustration and fear, he would just be more worried and have to catch me again, if I didn't manage to bring the Volturi down on us from the noise.

I shut my eyes and waited against his chest, hoping that it would all be over soon.

The digital watch I wore on my wrist said that it was just past eleven o'clock at night when Edward suddenly lifted his head from its resting place in my frozen hair and stared into the depths of the forest. I trembled a little harder than ever, afraid that the Volturi were coming for us.

His body relaxed after a second, though, and he whispered to me, "It's all right. Emmett and Rosalie are coming, and they have supplies and news for us."

"That's good," I said blearily. "I like Emmett and Rose."

He cast me a worried look, but it was interrupted by Emmett jogging into the little clearing where we sat, Rosalie gliding along just behind him. "Man, Edward, you sure make it hard for a guy to find you," Emmett complained. "Could you have possibly laid any more false trails or gone any deeper into these dang trees?"

Edward grinned without humor. "I don't think so."

Rosalie came over and put her icy hand against my forehead. I shivered. "Edward, she feels much warmer than usual," I heard Rose murmur.

"I know. She has a fever. This is not good for her at all—she's not strong enough for this cold and wet," He said, his voice clipped. "What's going on?"

Emmett groaned. "I sure wish they'd stop being so damn polite—then I would have an excuse to pick a fight. But they're nothing if not polite, the jerks. They seem to think that they've graciously blessed us with their presence, and have invited themselves to stay the night."

Edward groaned.

"Their flight isn't leaving until tomorrow morning. Carlisle didn't really have a choice in the matter," Emmett said defensively.

I could see the wheels in Edward's head turning, and Emmett quickly added, "Don't worry, bro, we're hiding Bella's scent as best we can. We're keeping them away from the music room and from yours and Bella's room, which is where the scent is the heaviest. I think Carlisle and Esme are going to keep them trapped in the den all night, talking about old times or some other junk. We just might make it out of this, though, Edward, without anyone getting hurt. Rose thinks that Jane is slightly suspicious about your absence, but Jasper says that neither Alec nor Jane is curious enough to actively go looking for you. He says that they're eager to get back to Italy and escape this barbarian wilderness or whatever."

"But all that doesn't change the fact that you're stuck out here for tonight," Rosalie said in her silvery voice. She was quite possibly the only woman alive who could look like a super model while wearing ice-covered jeans and a t-shirt advertising a _Linkin Park_ concert. "We brought a tent and a space heater for Bella, as well as fresh clothes for the both of you, since Alice said this rain isn't stopping any time soon. Carlisle sent Bella's medicines with us as well. He said that it would be bad if she missed another dose, since she's already missed her noon round."

"And everyone else?" Edward asked as he set me down and reached for the equipment they were carrying. "How are they holding up?"

Rosalie pursed her perfect lips. "Poor Esme is absolutely frantic, thinking about the two of you being out here in the storm. Everyone else is being as polite as possible, but we feel like prisoners in our own home. The only reason Emmett and I got away to see you is because Alice told them that we were newly-weds. They didn't really want to question what we were up to when we left to go spend some quality time in a freezing and icy forest, for some reason."

Edward growled in his throat at the whole situation, but he and Emmett had the tent securely up and settled in less than two minutes.

Then Rosalie took me inside the structure and got me dressed in the fresh, warm clothes that she'd brought for me in a twinkling. It didn't help my wet hair much, but she turned the heater on high and pointed its air flow directly at me.

I sighed in contentment.

She patted my hand for a minute, and it was probably the most affectionate she'd really ever been with me. She handed me my medication and a cold glass of orange juice to wash it down with. When I had taken it, I smiled fuzzily up at her. "You're very welcome, Bella," she replied to the look on my face. "You get some sleep and feel better, all right? Everything's going to be fine."

Rosalie left the tent then, and I was alone, nestled in the sleeping bag they'd brought with them. I could hear her and Edward and Emmett conferring together in soft voices through the thin walls, but I couldn't make out the words.

The next thing I knew, Edward was coming into the tent and sitting down beside me. He didn't lie down with me because of the cold of his skin, which I understood. But then I noticed that he was putting on tight leather gloves. When his hands thus covered, he started running his fingers through my hair in long, smooth strokes. I closed my eyes at the sensation.

"Feeling better, sweetheart, now that you're dry and a little warmer?" I heard him ask through the fog of my brain.

"Hmm. Some," I breathed. "Just don't leave me."

His gloved hand moved to my throat, and rubbed along my jaw line soothingly. "You know I won't, Bella. I've already promised you that."

Blearily, I grabbed his hand and put it to my lips. "I know you won't. Sorry."

"It's ok. Just go to sleep, if you can. That's the best thing for you right now."

"Okay," I said easily, falling immediately into oblivion.

I slept fitfully, haunted by feverish dreams that I could never quite grasp the meaning of. The werewolves were there, of course, just as they always were. I saw Paul crouched, and then I watched him leap toward Rosalie's throat as she screamed for help. Vampires with red eyes suddenly morphed into crouching cougars, ready to spring at helpless children that were playing on swing sets. Hot knives slashed into my body, and the sunshine burned my eyes until I was blind. Then I was frozen into a block of ice, never able to thaw.

A muted voice reached my ears, and I struggled to the surface so that I could understand. "Bella! Bella, wake up, please, honey. Bella, can you hear me?" The voice was steady, but frightened.

I moaned, but couldn't reply. A cool hand touched my forehead, and it made me shiver harder than ever. "We'd better get her back to the house, Edward. I really don't like this. She's burning up." It was Jasper's voice.

"Is Alice sure that they're gone for good?"

"Yes. She saw them get on the plane in her vision, but Carlisle decided that it had to be confirmed—you never know with Volturi. So I asked Kate to go to the airport for us, and she said that they got on the plane and left. They're gone for now, Edward."

"All right, then. Let's go."

I felt myself being lifted into the air, and my hand dangled down limply at my side. Something picked it up and placed it back against my chest. "Edward…" I murmured under my breath.

"Shhh, love," I heard him say softly. "I'm taking you home—the Volturi are gone and the house is safe. Everything's going to be all right." He kissed my cheek. "Just go back to sleep now, Bella. I'll take care of everything, I promise." Then, off to the side, "Jasper?"

"Right," I heard Jasper reply. A hand touched my shoulder, and a huge wave of drowsiness washed over me. I tried to duck under the wave, but it consumed me anyway, and sent me into the icy depths of the ocean.


	16. Waking Dream

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be hot right now because I'd be cuddling with Edward

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be hot right now because I'd be cuddling with Edward. No, maybe I would be hot….moving on….

A/N: Okay, so McKenna was asking about what had made Bella so sick…you're about to get a BIG hint! I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please keep reviewing! This has become my most popular story ever, which is thrilling. I love you guys! If you have any suggestions, be sure and pm them to me, and I'll try and work them in.

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Images and sounds washed over me, but I couldn't understand them at all. It was like I was watching a movie being played on a huge screen, but the sound was from an action movie while the sights were from a ballet—nothing fit or made any sense to me. Not to mention the fact that the images on the screen were being filtered through some kind of static, so that you couldn't really discern shapes or movement before they were gone again. It was maddening.

Something, though, started to bring everything on the screen and in the speakers into focus. It was as if someone very powerful and strong were calling my name while I was lost in the middle of the ocean, and the voice was what was calling me home again. I held on to the voice, and followed it into the harbor.

When I finally opened my eyes, expecting to see a lighthouse, I was stunned into reality. Alice was sitting in a chair by the bed with me, holding my hand while I lay cradled in Edward's lap. I smiled fuzzily at them, surprised at how aware I really was. It felt like I had just awakened from the best sleep ever, and I wasn't even groggy.

"Well, howdy there, 'lil lady. We've been waitin' around here for ya for a right long spell," drawled Alice in a perfect imitation of the accents she must have picked up from old cowboy movies. I kept expecting John Wayne to mosey into my room to join us—which would have been a very odd combination of horror films and westerns, what with the vampires being present and all. "Sure is nice to see you finally decided to join this here shootin' match again—thought you had must have made off with some other young pup of a cowboy," she continued, her soprano voice slow and smooth with the unusual inflections.

"That's not likely," I said with a smile. "Anybody care to share what's been going on back at the ranch while I've been tied to some railroad tracks? Did the young hero come along and rescue me just in time, or did my faithful horse chew through the ropes while I was screaming bloody murder?"

"You've been very sick, Bella, with a cold that turned into a nasty case of pneumonia," Edward answered quietly in his usual tones, obviously unwilling to join in the silly game Alice and I were playing. "It took a little while for the fever to break, but Carlisle thinks you're going to be just fine now." He shook his head. "This is one time I think I am actually glad that you're so obstinate. You just keep on surviving in spite of everything that gets thrown at you—I wonder if having nine lives is your equivalent of a super power. That, and your sheer pigheaded stubbornness."

"I only learn from the master of inflexibility. You only think _I'm_ stubborn—you should look in a mirror sometimes," I murmured. "Try not to faint when you do. Seriously, Edward, I want to know. Is everything going all right around here?"

"Everything is just peachy, Bella," Alice assured me. "We haven't seen hide or hair of any Volturi, praise ye the Lord, and don't expect to again for quite a while."

"That's good…they didn't seem very nice to me," I said, perfectly aware of how big an understatement that was, but I was unable to come up with a more descriptive phrase. I didn't have Edward's way with words. "So, can you guys tell me how much time I've wasted in la-la-land?" I asked, wondering how long I had to wait now until my conversion.

They were both quiet for a minute.

"What? Has it been seven years or something insane like that?" I demanded.

"No, Bella. Not even close to seven years. Just a week," Edward finally admitted.

"A week?" I shrieked, nearly bolting upright. Edward's strong hands wouldn't let me up, though—he obviously wanted me to stay in a reclined position. I glared at him even as I moaned, "Holy smoke! I've been out that long? Why didn't somebody wake me or blow an air horn in my ear or something?"

"Careful, Bella," Alice warned. "You were sedated for some of the time. You were delirious from the fever at a few pointes, but you were just plain old asleep for the most part. Your incredibly competent doctor decided that your body needed rest in order to fight off the illness, so he put you to sleep for a bit."

I groaned, putting my face in my hands. I hated being drugged and unable to watch what was going on around me. It made it too easy for them to hide things from me.

"But don't worry," Alice added in a soothing voice. "Carlisle says that we won't go through with the transformation until you're entirely comfortable with it. He knows that you've lost some of your preparation time, but we won't move ahead until you are one hundred percent ready for all the implications of your change."

I considered this. "Oh, well, the implications are not a problem for me. You could bite me this second for all I care, Alice—I'm looking forward to the wedding too much to wait a whole lot longer." She looked at me quizzically, probably wondering why I was reacting in this way if I truly didn't care about the transformation. I rolled my eyes and explained, "I was just worried about Edward getting his boxers into a wad or something. He's having a harder time of dealing with all this than I am, and I haven't been around to reassure him."

One of his Edward's eyebrows rose up into a magnificent arch, and I laughed at the sight. He looked at my mournfully. "I can't say that this last week has been especially delightful to me, but it certainly wasn't because of the condition of my undergarments," he said delicately. "The sight of you lying there so sick was definitely the squelcher to any enjoyment I might have had."

"I'm sorry, Edward," I apologized, feeling appropriately chastised by both his face and quiet words. "I truly didn't mean to make light of your suffering—I know it hasn't been easy. Honestly, I was afraid that my having the personality of a wet noodle for a week would make it much harder for you to prepare for losing my humanity. But I'm better now, though, right? You don't have to look at me all sick and weak anymore! I'll make it up to you somehow."

"Yes," he replied quickly. "You're just fine."

"Well, then." I shrugged. "Who needs to worry about all that other stuff? You're here, and I'm here, so what do we care?"

Edward grinned that maddening crooked smile at my reference to a song from the 1930s. It lightened the atmosphere enough for us to talk normally, even though he wouldn't hear of me getting out of bed—I didn't mind, considering the fact that getting out of bed would have meant getting out of his arms.

That night we settled into bed, after all the other Cullens had wished me a good night and Carlisle had given me the old once over. They were sweet, but I was longing for some alone time with my fiancée.

"You have no idea how good it is to see your lovely eyes open again," Edward murmured, the truth shining in his own golden eyes. "I hate it when they're closed for too long. It reminds me too vividly of those years when I never got to see them up close, and they were never happy when I did see them."

"Me too," I whispered back. "I hate it when they're closed so long, but for vastly different reasons. I resent it because it's time that I could have spent looking at you."

"You are _so_ absurd," he laughed—I didn't much care for the laugh. It was too cynical. "I still don't understand why you're willing to go through so much personal pain for me, Bella. If it hadn't been for me, you would be somewhere else right now, married and happy with your family and far, far away from cougars and ice storms and sadistic vampires…"

"Edward, I refuse to have this same old conversation yet again with you again," I interrupted with a voice edged with steel. He flinched at the sharpness of my tone. "We've tried that route, remember? It just runs around and around in everlasting circles and it _always_ ends badly—either I get mad or you run away for my own good. Edward, you know very well that I did the whole marriage and escape from the evil vampires thing. And just look what it got me." I held up one of my forearms, to show Edward the scars of where I'd dragged the knife across my arteries. The scar had faded, but the line was still red and stood out against my pale skin.

He shuddered and pushed my arm down, covering it up with a blanket. "Don't show me that, please, if you have any kindness within you," he begged. "I can barely stand to see those there, and remember the day that it happened. I never want to think about it, and one of the things I'll be the happiest about when you're going through the change is that these will disappear forever."

I looked at him calmly, and brought my arm back into sight again. He looked away, but I took his chin into my hand and held it there. The misery in his eyes almost swayed me, but I knew that this had to be said. "I don't mean to be cruel, Edward, I promise I don't, but I do have a point. Please listen to me, all right?" He nodded, so I let go of his chin, only to put my hand against his cheek. "These scars are on my arms for a reason. They're here because even though I got married, I still got left. What happened afterwards was inevitable."

His eyes blazed with a sudden fire. "Yes…but if I hadn't already hurt you before, you would have been strong enough to handle it when Jacob imprinted. You could have lived on without suicide seeming to be your only recourse to be free of the pain," Edward snapped. "I weakened you, and that is what caused your deep despair."

Rolling my eyes, I said, "Charlie once called me a 'constant little thing.' I don't get over things easily, Edward, you know that. I think that the end result would have been the same if it had been Jacob in my life all along, if I'd never loved you. In that strange parallel universe where you didn't exist, I would have believed him to be my soul mate and my best friend. To be deserted by him, then, would be sheer torture. I'd known worse pain than that, obviously, but that isn't the point in this alternate time line. If I'd never known you, I think I would have been crushed by Jake's desertion just the same." He stared at me with the same hypnotized look that he caused in me sometimes. I knew that I was getting through to him. "I don't even like to think of there being an alternate universe where you don't exist, so we'll so that aside. Still, the point remains. Please quit kidding yourself into thinking that you're the sole destroyer of the universe, Edward. If I'd never loved you, these scars wouldn't be here because I would never have survived my suicide attempt. I would have died, without question. I'm here, alive and happy, because of you, and nothing can ever change that."

Edward looked at me, his eyes wide and suddenly almost childish. The color had faded back to topaz once his anger had left him. "You really think that way, Bella? You truly believe that the end result would have been the same, whether you'd ever known me or not? Whether I'd ever existed or not?"

"I do, Edward. I really do believe that." I squeezed his hand. "What I have right here with you…it's as if the best dream I've ever had has magically become reality. I'm living a fairy tale, a waking dream—how many girls can truly say the same?"

"Not many…at least, I don't think very many from what I have experienced of other girls' minds," Edward replied. "I suppose that you are fortunate in your own way."

"Then stop your worrying. And while I'm ordering you around, I have one more command: shut up and kiss me," I demanded.

He laughed and did as he was told.

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I might have been living a fairy tale while I was awake, but my dreams were quite a different story. The moment I slipped away from Edward into sleep, nightmares began to run the gamut of my mind. I couldn't escape, couldn't hide from them. During the next few days, I nearly always woke myself up screaming at least once in the night, and my heart pounding like I'd been running a marathon. Something was scaring me silly, and I couldn't breathe until Edward calmed me down again.

The scariest thing was that I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about.

My nightmares had Edward even more scared than I was. Carlisle tried giving me some mild sleeping pills, but all they did was make it harder to wake up once the dreams started. Edward believed that the dreams were revealing some sort of inner turmoil in my heart, and he begged me to tell him what was bothering me. He said that my words weren't making any sense at all to him when I talked in my sleep.

The truth was that I couldn't tell him what was wrong because I only had a slight hunch as to what was causing the nightmares. I believed the trigger was the atmosphere of lies that surrounded me day and night—I could still see everyone else talking mind to mind, or whispering so low and fast that I couldn't understand the words. They were all keeping something ghastly from me, that much was clear. I knew that my surrogate family probably had every right in the world to keep their secrets, as they'd had to do for countless decades. But I resented it now, especially if it was about me. Wasn't I a member of the family, too? Hadn't I kept their secrets for them? Wasn't I trustworthy enough to learn what they were hiding now?

But I remembered far too well what had happened the last time I'd asked about the secret, so I didn't say anything. I didn't want to risk getting either Edward or myself that upset again. So I suffered through the nightmares and counted down the days until my change and the destruction of all the walls that separated me from those I loved.

One night, though, the dream was far worse than any I'd ever experienced—and now, somehow, I could remember every single facet of the nightmare. It seemed to me that I was running through a forest, but I could never run fast enough from the red-eyed monsters that were tracking me. They looked hungry, and they stalked me in the shadows. Something was holding me back, though, keeping my legs from moving properly. When I looked down to see what the problem was, I saw that thin, white lines were connected to my ankles. They looked like thick bungee cord.

In the dream, I tried to run forward a few steps more, but the ropes tensed with my movement, and then snapped back when they'd reached the end of their elasticity. I flew backward through the air, screaming bloody murder from fear, only to slam in the middle of a huge web. More tendrils of the elastic rope reached forward, moving as if they were alive. They wrapped themselves around my wrists, my waist, and my neck. They pinned me all the more firmly to the sticky web, and I couldn't get away no matter how hard I struggled. "Edward! Help!" I screamed in my rising panic. "Please, Edward, save me! I need you, Edward!"

But he didn't come. Edward had never failed to come get me before.

Glancing around me in terror, I soon discerned that the bodies of the rest of the Cullens were all pinned as well. Despite their superior strength and speed, they, too were unable to move, unable to save themselves. We were all helpless in the face of the web we could not escape, doomed to a fate not of our choosing.

I fought to escape the horror of it all and run away into the night, but even as I struggled, something lurked in the shadow of the web…something consuming, something that devoured…

"No! _No_! Stop it!" I shrieked, throwing myself upright on the bed.

"Bella?" came Edward's frightened voice. He lurched onto the bed, holding me, trying to comfort me. "Bella, what's wrong?"

"The dream again…" I panted. "The dream…don't let it get me, Edward, please!"

He wrapped his arms around me. "Nothing will ever get you, sweetheart, I promise you. I will always keep you safe."

I shuddered and panted, "The dream…the dream…"

He chafed his hand against my arm. It was reassuring of his presence, and it kept the lurking shadow away from me. "Yes…come on, my Bella, just tell me about your dream. That's all you have to do. What happened?" He prompted eagerly. "I'm here, Bella. You're safe, I promise. I swear that nothing will harm you. If you can just tell me about your nightmare, maybe we can stop you from having it again."

I shook my head, refusing to say anything. My brain was screaming in protest, not wanting to be reminded of the red eyes or the web that had caught us all. Edward whispered urgently in my ear, "Quickly, Bella, you have to tell me while you still remember! Tell me what was in the nightmare, please!"

"Okay…okay. I'll tell you," I sobbed, hiding my face in his chest. "I was running through a forest…there were red eyes all around me, things that wanted me. But something wouldn't let me run away from them. I looked down to see what was wrong with me, and there were thick, white cords wrapped around my ankles. I tried to take another step, but the ropes snapped back and I landed in a huge, sticky, awful spider's web." I shuddered, my heart pounding at the memory of it. I'd never liked bugs, and especially not spiders. To be caught in a web was the worse nightmare ever. "More webs caught me, and when I looked around, I saw that your entire family was there, too. They were all trapped like I was—they couldn't escape any more than I could."

He was silent for a long minute. "What do you think your dream means, Bella?"

Anger flared within me. I wasn't going to bow to his decision any longer, not when I needed answers this badly. I loved him, but this had to stop. "Honestly? I think my nightmare means that you need to tell me the damn secret, Edward, which you've been keeping from me. I've been kind and I've been patient, but the suspense is killing me. Please, just tell me what's wrong!" My voice cracked and I worked to get it under control again. I couldn't appear to be weak. "I know that something is off, I can see it in your eyes. And the way you talk with your thoughts confirms it! I'm not wrong and I'm not crazy, either. Just tell me, please!"

"I can't tell you that…" Edward murmured, his face stricken. "Don't ask it of me, please, Bella. This is for your own good, I promise."

"How can it be for my own good when the secret's permeating the entire house?" I spat out, furious. "Do you truly think that things are better if you're hiding things from me? What kind of a relationship do we have, if you don't trust me?"

My door quietly opened just as the last word left my lips, and Carlisle walked into the room. "Good evening, Bella, Edward. So sorry to interrupt, but I'm here because I am forced to observe something—isn't the hour rather late to be having a lover's quarrel?" he asked softly, his voice mild and calm. "Not that any of us mind, necessarily, but then, none of us sleep. Bella, you at least need your rest. Might I suggest that we put this conversation off until morning?"

"Good evening, Carlisle," I said stiffly. I cared for Carlisle as a father, but I was infuriated that he could just barge into my room when I was pumping my fiancée for important information. It struck me as both conceited and rude, two adjectives that I would never have believed could apply to Carlisle before.

"I suppose the hour is unseasonably late, and I guess that I should apologize for interfering with your evening, but I promise that I had a good reason for my impropriety." Edward looked distinctly uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going. "You see, I had another stupid nightmare and I actually remember it this time. And not to be rude, but I'm not putting this off any longer. I want answers, and I want them now. I'm sorry if that's immature or selfish, but it must be said." I was breathing hard through my mouth now, gulping in the air.

I saw Carlisle glancing at Edward, and then Edward nodded a little.

I rolled my eyes. "There you guys go again. I am so _tired_ of this!" My voice was so shrill that it hurt even my ears, let alone their sensitive vampire ones, but I found that I didn't really care. The fear, I thought, was what was making it hard for me to breathe. "You're really scaring me, Edward, with all this cloak and dagger secrecy. Just tell me, dammit! Whatever your precious hush-hush business is, I promise that I can handle it. You can trust me with anything."

"Bella, I swear…" Edward started to say.

"Don't give me that 'nothing is wrong' crap! I know better! Is something bad coming? Is something wrong with me? Is Charlie okay? What about the pack? Did they get into some kind of trouble?" I threw my hands up in the air for emphasis. "Or are you guys just planning a trip to the moon? Whatever it is, I just need to know the truth or I'm never gonna be able to relax, always thinking that something is about to go wrong."

Having to gasp for breath was the only thing that stopped the words even then from pouring from my mouth—I still had so much that I wanted to say.

"Bella, you need to calm down right now!" Edward's voice was authoritative, but oddly panicky. My heart rate picked up—there he was, ordering me around again. It thundered in my ears, blocking out all sense of right or wrong, of maturity and overreaction.

All of a sudden, a ripping pain exploded in my chest. There was no warning at all, except for maybe a momentary tingling in my left arm just before the dam burst wide open. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything at all. I was wracked within the explosion, every part of my being pieced by the shrapnel of my heart as it detonated. My splintered brain was refusing to cooperate with what I was telling it to do. I gasped in air as hard and as fast as I could, but nothing happened. It didn't relieve the pressure. I felt as if I was drowning in deep, dark water.

I tried to cry out Edward's name, but my chest was wrapped in cruel bands of steel. Strange red and blue dots danced in front of my eyes, blurring the image of Edward as he leapt to my side and held me up, keeping me from hitting my head against the wall when I suddenly lost the ability to sit up on my own. "Bella!" he cried out. "Breathe, Bella, breathe! You must calm down!"

When I couldn't obey him, Edward roared, "Help her, Carlisle!"

I thought I heard Carlisle bellow, "Esme! Get the oxygen in here, quick!" before I blacked out completely.


	17. Heart of the Matter

Disclaimer: I don't own, I just get to play

Disclaimer: I don't own, I just get to play.

A/N: Ok, folks, THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE! We finally learn what has Bella so sick. I hope you all enjoy the revelation and the resulting fluff with Edward. Please keep reviewing, they are music to my soul!

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Muted noises reached my ears through a thick blanket of static. Inky blackness, darker than the darkest night, swirled around me like a malevolent fog. I was only able to think in sporadic bits of stray impressions for a few minutes as the steel bands around my chest compressed all rational thought.

Pain.

Edward.

Air.

Help!

Pain.

Edward…

After what seemed like an endless age of the earth, though, I was finally able to breathe a little, and then to slowly open my heavy eyes. Having my eyes open didn't seem to do much good in the sensory department, though. Something translucent was clouding my vision, as if I'd suddenly developed the cataracts that plaque the old and feeble. _That doesn't make any sense,_ was my stupid thought. _I'm only twenty-one. There must be some other reason_.

It was then that I found that there was some sort of sheet draped over the front part of my bed. It was falling in a straight line around my head as I was propped up against the wooden headboard on pillows—the sheet looked as if it were made of a whitish plastic material. The world outside of the plastic sheet was distorted and vague, and I couldn't make sense of anything. Not when I was as dizzy as I was.

Something very cold was holding my hand tightly, and I looked down in surprise when the sensation finally registered with my numb brain. When I did look down, I nearly crashed my face headlong into Edward's granite-hard nose.

He was lying beside me on the bed, his face mere inches from mine as he gazed at me like I'd been gone for a year. I saw that he was underneath the strange plastic sheet with me, but his body was on top of the covers. I wondered why he didn't have his arm around my waist like he usually did when we cuddled like this. I could tell that he wasn't breathing at all, and wondered why vaguely. I didn't think that I was bleeding, and I hadn't been around any werewolves. There was no reason for him not to breathe.

I still felt as if something heavy and solid, something very like an anvil, was sitting on my aching chest. The anvil was making it hard for me to breathe. My lungs were struggling hard to constrict and expand in their normal occupation; they felt almost like air bellows that are being held shut by someone's hands.

My burdened chest smoldered and throbbed with a strange fire, and my heart was whining from the stress of the unusual work load. There was an electronic monitor with leads connected to my chest, and from the soft beeps I heard coming from somewhere, I knew that it was checking on the functions of my heart.

"Edward…" I murmured weakly after I'd taken stock of my body. I found that I had to gulp for air in order to make up for what saying his name had taken from my over stressed lungs. "Where…am I? What's….what's wrong with me? I feel so….so strange. I'm…heavy."

"Don't speak, Bella, please. Just lie quiet, love."

That wasn't a proper response in my opinion. I locked my eyes with his, looking for answers. I didn't find any. Edward's voice was totally smooth, like silvery glass, but his face was as flat as stone. He looked more like Michelangelo's _David_ than my Edward right now—beautiful, but frighteningly unfamiliar. My heart skipped a beat, but not from love. No, it was from fear, and uncertainty.

"You're still in the bed in our room," he told me, rubbing my arm lightly, as if I were a soap bubble that he could pop with the tiniest amount of pressure. "After you passed out, Carlisle put you under an oxygen tent to keep the air clean." He gestured with an airy hand to my new surroundings. "He's able to feed pure oxygen in here through a tank and a hose. It's helping you to breathe a little easier, since you don't have to purify the oxygen at all. It gives your body a rest."

Ah. So that's why he wasn't breathing, then—he didn't want to take up any of my nice, clean air. As if to prove this point, he snaked his head out from under the edge of the tent and took a deep breath from that air source instead of using mine. I realized that while he didn't need the oxygen for breathing purposes, he still wouldn't be able to speak if he didn't have any air in his lungs.

The movement only took him the briefest second, and then he was right back with me again in the same amount of time that it took me to register why he'd acted as he had.

I snorted and immediately regretted it when pain stabbed through my lungs. Didn't he say that this thing supposed to be helping me breathe? Yeah, right. It was a real miracle to behold. "Then…then why does it…feel as if….Emmett…is…standing on my chest?" I asked him laboriously.

Edward sighed, but then quickly remembered the fact that he wasn't supposed to be breathing at all. His face bore a look of ultimate aggravation at his momentary lapse of memory. "I'm sorry, Bella," he said, returning to my question. "This is all completely my own fault for getting you so upset, and you're being forced to bear the consequences. I should have known better than to do that to you again. I should have just told you my concerns immediately, instead of hiding them from you and refusing to allow Carlisle to speak to you, either. You would have handled everything better if you hadn't been filled with so much doubt and fear beforehand. It was fear that I callously allowed to fester into something far greater than it was when it began."

His eyes pleaded for understanding and forgiveness. "I just didn't want you to be anxious if I could at all help it. That was stupid of me, I know—I should have respected your maturity more than that. After all, you _are_ older than me." That gained a smile from me, but it didn't help the pain and guilt in his eyes. "It doesn't seem as if I'll ever learn my lesson when it comes to you, does it? I just keep doing the same damn thing to you over and over again," he told me ruefully, not really expecting a reply from me. He'd stopped three times during his speech to retrieve new air, which had just given me some time to process the new information.

I put a blue-tipped finger on his lips, anyway, to stop the flow of his judgmental words. My meaning to him was perfectly clear.

He nodded at me, kissing my finger lightly before he returned my hand to its former resting position at my side. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Message delivered—I know that you don't like it when I blame myself. You are far too forgiving of me." I shook my head in denial, and the shame in his eyes cleared a little.

He stroked my lips with his cool thumb, which was enormously comforting. "I suppose the best thing to do would be to answer your questions now—too little, too late, I know, but the thought is there. The reason it feels as if a vampire were standing on your chest is because your heart is…well, it's failing you, Bella. Carlisle discovered the problem back in Forks just after you…did what you did," Edward faltered, not really looking at me. "From what Carlisle can tell in his examinations, it looks to him as if you were born with a small heart defect that went undetected during your regular medical exams. He didn't even hear it, possibly because your heart never behaved around me in the first place."

I would have laughed at that, if I'd had enough air. The shock of what he was telling me seemed to have taken what little I had completely away from my lungs.

"The emotional stress of the past three years worsened the weakness exponentially; the defect is completely beyond repair now," Edward informed me. I was remembering that horrendous hole in my chest—had that been my heart worsening from the pain? "The sheer amount of blood that you lost when you cut yourself certainly didn't help matters, either—it made your heart work too hard. Still, for all that, you would have lived thirty, forty more years at least without knowing about your heart if…if you had been happy and whole." His voice finally broke, and I could see that his lips were in a thin line. "If you had been safe."

"You meant to say…'if I had never left you,' right?" I gasped out.

He glanced at me, but didn't answer. I took that as a "yes."

I gathered more of my breath together in order to speak to him, to comfort him despite the shock of his news. Now that my suspicions had finally been confirmed, I found that I wasn't too surprised. But Edward was obviously in pain about the condition of my health, and he was blaming himself for it. As was completely usual with him, to take random occurrences on as his responsibility.

I whispered in return. "Don't, Edward. Please, please don't…say that. I'm sure that…that you were the one responsible…for black plague, the Ice Age…and possibly the Great Chicago Fire…as well." He shook his head. "Oh, so those weren't yours? Then…then neither is…this. This would have…happened anyway…sooner or later…you can't fight genetics, Edward. And you never know—I might not have…survived…then. Without you…I mean. It happened here…with you and Carlisle…close by to help me."

I gasped as a ripple of pain went through my left arm, but persevered in spite of it. Edward, bless his heart, tried to make me be quiet, but I ignored him. His feelings were far more important than my heart rate at the moment. "I always…knew my brain was freaky—my heart being messed up…doesn't really shock me. Guess it's a good thing…I'm going to be….one of you soon, huh?"

I had to breathe every few words or I got lightheaded. Halting like that was really annoying, but it kept the darkness away from my mind…at least temporarily.

A white hand lifted the edge of the tent then. For the first time, I saw that Carlisle was sitting on a chair by the bed, quietly watching over me. A deep swell of affection for him broke over me at the moment, despite my earlier perturbation with him. Carlisle would take care of me, just like Edward would.

"I'm going to give you a little something for the pain, Bella. It should help you relax as well as allow you to breathe more easily," he told me quietly.

I nodded in agreement, but froze solid the next second. My eyes zeroed in on the syringe in his hand as if it had a target sign on it, and my breathing quickened against my will. The heart monitor went crazy as my pulse pounded through my veins. I knew that I needed the medicine, but I _really _hated needles. Needles almost always meant that blood was about to be all too easily smelled in the air, and the rusty scent of blood made me hopelessly sick.

The syringe moved closer to me…

"Shhh, Bella, be quiet, please," Edward said. His voice was much rougher now. He took me into his arms and held me close, tucking my head under his hard chin. I breathed in his familiar and entrancing scent. "You have an IV in your ankle again, love, for the hydration your body needs. Carlisle isn't going to poke you with a needle, I promise. He just reached under the tent to check the air temperature."

Relieved, but exhausted from the consequences of my foolish fear, I lay quietly in Edward's arms while Carlisle injected the medicine into my IV.

"Sorry," I muttered to him, slightly embarrassed by my overreaction.

Carlisle's disembodied hand patted my arm before slipping back out from under the tent's edge. "It's quite all right, Bella," he assured me. "Needles are never pleasant, especially not to someone that's prone to faint at the mere smell of blood. I understand your reaction, and I promise that you didn't offend me at all. I must ask you to do something for Edward and me, though."

I looked through the haze of the tent at where I supposed his head was—after all, I couldn't really see it. "You just need to relax until we figure out what to do," Carlisle said seriously. I had the faint impression that I'd been sent to the principle's office. "I don't want you getting overexcited again—it makes your heart work too hard."

I shrugged in mute agreement, trying with utter futility to fight the sleepiness that was stealing over my body again. Man, those pain meds sure worked fast.

"What do you…mean by saying 'what we should we do?'" I asked Carlisle, wrinkling my nose at the very obviousness of the answer to his question. "That's an easy one…you just have to bite me….before it gets…any worse," I told Edward hesitantly, watching his reaction as closely as I could.

His face darkened a little, but not as much as I'd been expecting. "I know that biting you is inevitable now, as much as I still struggle with the idea," he answered. "Venom is the only thing that can save your life, and I believe that you have a soul even if I don't. But there's a reason for wanting to delay your transformation, and it's a good one."

I looked at him skeptically, and he told me, "Carlisle and I would just like you to be a little more stable before I try to change you. The pain from the transformation alone _could_ make your heart fail, and it could happen even before the venom worked within in. We simply can't risk that happening."

"Oh." What else could I say to that? It sounded like a dreadful catch-22 to me.

From the rustling noises, it sounded as if Carlisle had picked up a book from the bedside table, studiously ignoring us to the best of his ability. Bless him; he was always trying to do the right thing for everybody, even if he were personally embarrassed or hurt by his actions. I'd have to ask for his forgiveness when this was all over, for having been so rude to him before.

Maybe his inconceivable compassion would prompt him to ignore the other thing I wanted to tell Edward now. I hoped that he would. It would be hard enough to share as it was. Just telling my love something that I knew would bring him pain would be very difficult, and that was without bringing his father/mentor into it.

"Edward?" I said his name as softly as possible, like a prayer.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

I had to get these words out clearly. I didn't want to pause now, not even for air.

I took a deep, deep breath with all the strength I could gather from my aching lungs and said, "I don't want to die anymore, Edward. Don't let me, please, don't let me." I gulped in the pure oxygen when darkness started to cloud my vision. The pure air mixed with the morphine in my blood, slowing my thoughts. I wouldn't allow it to take me, though, not until I heard his reply.

He went unearthly still for a minute. I knew that my pathetic words had hurt him deeply, but I couldn't manage to gather enough energy to comfort him in the way I truly wanted to. "I know that you don't want to die, love," he finally answered. "Don't be anxious on that score, Bella. I won't let you leave me, no matter what your unruly body does. Trust me. We will never be parted again, not if I can help it." He bent down and kissed my engagement ring. "This is a sign of that promise, love. I will hold true to it, as long as you keep on fighting with me. I know your deep capacity for obstinacy, so that doesn't worry me at all. Just trust me."

"I do trust you." I touched his face gently. "Edward. I love you."

"I love you too, Bella. Now please go to sleep, all right, honey?"

"All right," I agreed easily, already feeling the medication beckoning.

That's the last thing I can clearly remember for a long, long while.

I drifted for what seemed like an interminable amount of time, every once in a great while waking up just enough to hear Edward talking to me, telling me that he loved me and that everything would be all right. Sometimes I would feel an ice cube on my chest, which could only be Carlisle's stethoscope as he listened more closely to the beats of my failing heart.

Those were the strongest sensations I had in that fog, even though every once in a while I caught bits of something else; it would be a voice or a sensation that I couldn't quite identify. It would have been infuriating if I had been aware enough to get frustrated with my own lack of comprehension.

I was never truly afraid, though. I trusted Edward implicitly, and I remembered his promise whenever I was aware enough to feel the light pressure of his ring around my finger. Edward knew that I didn't want to die, and he was _so_ strong. Edward wouldn't let Death get me—I rested in that assurance whenever the fear seemed to murmur cruelly in my ear.

To some degree, this whole situation reminded me of the old myth I'd always loved. The story told of Admetis and Alcestis, a king and queen that ruled one of the small kingdoms of ancient Greece. They had loved each very much, so much that Admetis had been brave enough to drive a chariot drawn by deadly boars and ferocious lions in order to fulfill the requirements of Alcestis' stingy father. Her father couldn't keep them apart once Admetis had proven himself, so the lovers were married and became very happy in one another, ruling their kingdom wisely.

One day, though, all that changed. The Three Fates, the goddesses who were in charge of the giving and taking of life, sent their servant, Death, for Admetis' soul. Admetis fell deathly ill, and everyone was powerless to stop the progression of the disease. The god Apollo tried to intervene on the behalf of the lovers, even managing to work out a deal with the Three Fates. The bargain stated that Admetis could live as long as someone else died in his place. Apollo could not himself die, but he was certain that one of Admetis' many subjects would be glad to die for the king that had led them all into such prosperity.

When he started asking people, though, Apollo was horrified to discover that no one at all was willing to die in the king's place. Admetis was a good king and he was truly beloved by his people, but Death was too frightening.

When no one came forward to sacrifice their lives for the king's sake, Apollo, heartbroken, returned to the palace and told the beautiful queen all that had occurred. To the god's surprise, Alcestis eagerly exclaimed, "Let me die for him! Oh, I'm so glad that he shall live!"

Within that very hour, Admetis began to heal from his illness while Alcestis grew weaker and weaker, eventually taking her husband's place on the deathbed. Admetis tried to convince her to take back what she had said, but she refused.

Soon, Death himself came for the life of Alcestis. The great champion Hercules, though, was passing through the kingdom and had heard of the young queen's impending doom. He stood outside her door and waited grimly, yet patiently.

Hercules felt Death's approach by the icy wind that surrounded the figure, and Hercules grasped Death by the throat. The two fought hard and long, but eventually Hercules got the victory and threw Death, injured and rattling, from the palace. Despite the threats of the Three Fates, Death positively refused to return to the palace.

At that very moment, the queen began to heal and was soon completely cured. Admetis and Alcestis lived together happily for many years, ruling their kingdom with peace and wisdom, and blessed by Apollo.

I knew with everything within me that Edward would wrestle with Death itself to save me if he had to, just like Hercules. Our love for one another was even more epic than that of Admetis and Alcestis', and not even my own frail, human heart could be allowed to separate us now; certainly not when we had come through so much together.


	18. Live, Edward!

Disclaimer: Don't own it—if I did, I would have Edward around to loan me some money when I needed it

Disclaimer: Don't own it—if I did, I would have Edward around to loan me some money when I needed it.

A/N: Ok, TODAY'S THE DAY! I hope you guys like this chapter. And don't be mad at the cliffie, please. Please keep reviewing; you guys make me VERY happy!

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One day, when I instinctively knew that the set date for my transformation was long gone, the fog rose from my mind and I was finally able to notice what was going on around me. The plastic tent over me was missing, and with this new clarity of vision I saw that the Cullens were gathered around my bed, watching over me. I had the strangest feeling that they were attending my funeral, and that I was already dead and lying in my casket. That sensation was soon banished, though, by the fact that Edward was holding me close in his arms. I could feel the icy chill of his skin against my own, not the chill of death at all, and I knew that I would not be able to feel this bliss if I were truly dead.

"What…what…?" I murmured, still wanting answers as to what was going on.

Esme leaned over me and lovingly stroked my hair with her cool hand. "Today's the day that you've been longing for all these years, my dearest Bella. If you're truly ready to go through with this process, in only a few minutes' time you'll begin to join our family as a fellow immortal. If the life of a vampire is still your wish, Edward is ready to make you his now."

Wild hope leapt within my breast, making my battered heart beat a little faster with the excitement. I concentrated studiously, though, on slowing my heart's rapid rate. I didn't want anything to jeopardize the sweetness of this moment.

Then I suddenly realized why they all looked so grave. This should be a happy day if everything was really going according to plan—but nobody looked happy. On the contrary, they all looked absolutely terrified. I'd never seen them look this way, not even when enemy vampires were threatening them. Something was obviously horribly wrong, and it had to be wrong with me.

I looked at them, my beloved family, and asked, "Is it…that…bad, then?"

Carlisle nodded and sat down on the bed beside Edward and me so that I wouldn't have to crane my neck in order to see him properly. "I won't hide the truth from you now, Bella. I didn't want to in the first place, because I believe that it's your right to know exactly what's going on with your body. I want you to know that. Still, what's in the past should remain in the past," he said, staring down seriously at me. I almost wanted to squirm away from his smelted gold eyes, but I found that I was caught.

"I wanted to hold off on your transformation, Bella, until your body's condition stabilized, but we find now that we cannot delay any longer. Your heart is simply giving out. Your body has had too much trauma in too little time—it can't compensate for all the changes, and its efforts to do so are putting an extraordinary strain on your heart. That is what caused the small heart attack you experienced earlier. I can't do anything else to change or even slow the progression of your heart's failure."

Carlisle ran a hand through his golden hair, the first sign he'd yet displayed to me of frustration or fatigue. His young face looked broken, in a way I'd never thought I'd see it look. "I regret exceedingly having to do so, but I must tell you that Alice has foreseen the fact that if you aren't bitten at some point today, you will be almost certainly be dead by late tomorrow afternoon. The oxygen and medications have helped to some small degree, but they will not be enough to hold off this end any longer."

Carlisle looked at me to see how I would take this news and I nodded, numb but still attentive, for him to continue with what he had to say. "We find that the time to act is now, Bella. Putting you through the transformation, though, is almost equally as dangerous as letting events simply take their course."

I heard a growl rumble deep in Edward's chest at what he must have seen in Carlisle's mind of that possible end for me, but I ignored him and focused on what his father was telling me. "You are aware of the possible danger, are you not?" he asked. "If you do not want to risk the conversion, we will not force you in any sort of way. This is entirely your decision, and no one will try to influence it. It's your life, Bella, and you have the chance now to decide how that life might end."

My mind was whirling. I was as dazed and as utterly confused as if a real blizzard was howling around me. I was dying now, really and truly dying. Poor Alice had seen my death yet again. _I really owe her_, I thought with sympathy—the sight of it couldn't be an easy thing to live with, and I seemed to do it to her a lot.

But as for the danger…Edward had already told me that the pain alone might kill me if his bloodlust didn't do the job. I was forced now to coldly examine death and all its implications. The insanity I'd felt following Jacob's desertion couldn't help me anymore by numbing me with the hopeless despair, or with the sense of fate moving me, not my feelings. That other time I'd faced death, I had had nothing to lose I if I died—nothing, after all, could hurt me any worse than what I'd already gone through.

When I was facing James, too, I'd gone to my death in order to preserve my mother's life. I believed that I was dying for a cause, and it was a cause worthy of any amount of personal sacrifice. I'd always been responsible for Renee's well-being. Facing down a vampire in exchange for her continued existence was really no different than keeping her from sky-diving. I was preserving something very precious, and it was my job to take care of her, even at the cost of my own life.

To die now would be a complete opposite to those other times. I had gained everything and would lose it all if I left this earth now. I wasn't dying for a specific purpose this time, either—it was nothing more than the grimmest facet of nature in all its glory that was ushering in my doom. This death wasn't caused by the impersonality of fate or even by a catastrophe. This was nothing more than simple heart failure, which had killed millions of other people besides me. Who was I to think that I was so special that I didn't deserve a similar end?

This life that I loved would all vanish from me in just a few hours if I didn't choose to take the chance of transformation, though. The love of my existence, the family I deeply adored, and the future I had longed for, had actually sacrificed for…all of it could vanish from me just as fast as a star in the sky blinked in and out again. The constellation would be dimmed by my absence, surely. Still, it would continue on, even if I was no longer there. That was comforting to think on, at least. The Cullens would still live, even if I couldn't be one of them.

If I died today, whether my death was caused by bloodlust, pain, or by the normal degradation of my frail human body, I still wondered. Where would I go? What would be my destination, when the end finally overtook me? Edward, for instance, didn't believe that heaven waited for him or his family when they finally met death face-to-face. Somehow, though, I just couldn't believe that eternal nothingness was to be my fate. It went against everything I knew of the world. But was that silly hope of heaven just the denial speaking, making my impending death a little easier to bear? Was it just numbing of a pain that I wasn't strong enough to really experience?

Or worse, what if hell was to be my ultimate destination after I died, after all?

Fear gripped me then as never before. The terror froze my body, even as my mind tried to come to grips with this possible and horrifying fate. _Oh, God, _I prayed. _Don't let me go there. Keep me from the pain and suffering of a place where I couldn't be with Edward. Don't let me abide in a place filled with agony and unending guilt! If you're listening to me at all, please, I beg you. Save me. I'm sorry for what the bad things that I've done in my life…save me, please!_

Suddenly, as if I'd been struck by lightning, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't fear death anymore. I had lived my life the best I could. It may have had stupidity and klutziness and all, but I'd truly done my best. If God was listening to me now, and I truly believed that He was, surely He would take my honest efforts into consideration. If I died, I knew that I would quite willingly wait for centuries for Edward, as he had waited for me. The time wouldn't matter at all to me, just as long as one day we were indeed reunited. I would always wait; even if that day wasn't until the end of the world itself and he were forced to join me.

Besides, I had to have faith that this effort at my ultimate salvation would work and that I wouldn't die at all. The venom would save me, not damn me. Very likely this moment was just as much a beginning as it was an ending. A new life would be in store for me within the next few hours.

It just remained to be seen what that new life was.

"It's…ok," I told Carlisle finally, feeling the truth of my words filling my aching heart. They were strengthening me for whatever trials lay ahead, whether they were pain or transportation to heaven. "I know about it. I'm…not afraid…anymore. I still want this…no matter the outcome. I _want_ this. Do it…please."

I let my eyes travel around the room, taking in their familiar and beloved forms one by one, trying to memorize them all as best I could. After all, this might be the last time I saw them if things went badly. I wanted to remember them as clearly as possible. It didn't matter at all whether the impressions were my last ones as a human being, or my last ones as a living being.

There was beautiful Rosalie, clutching Emmett's enormous hand and biting her bottom lip as she showed concern for the girl she'd once hated. I loved her and respected her now for being the strong woman that she was without a single apology. Her journey had been an amazing one, and I truly hoped that I would get to continue watching where her life took her.

Emmett was standing beside his wife, looking so young and shockingly frail as the concept of _death_ was finally made real to him. He'd escaped death himself—I don't think he'd ever really and truly understood that I might not make the same miraculous getaway. He was a giant teddy bear, with a ball of fluff for a heart despite the sharpness of his claws and the strength of his arms.

Esme was standing by the window, her softly rounded arm lying comfortingly across Alice's shoulders while she looked at me. The sunlight cast sparkles on her skin, reminding me of the day we'd gone outside and shared our hearts with one another. I loved her so much, in a way that I'd never been able to love even Renee. Esme's expressive, golden eyes were full of sincerest pity and love as she looked at me, her sixth adopted child. I was glad that she'd had room in her heart for one more.

My eyes rest on my best friend in the whole world. She was my Alice, who had always told me the truth even when Edward didn't want her to. Her head, covered with the familiar black spikes, was hidden in Jasper's shoulder. Her tiny form had virtually disappeared into her husband's and Esme's embraces. Dear, dear Alice—I hoped that she would have good vision after this, vision that didn't involve my death anymore.

Jasper was gazing at me, and I felt his unique serenity filling my being with calm even though his influence still seemed to feel faintly of good-bye. Jasper was a soldier through and through—he was exquisitely aware of the odds. He was probably the only one besides Carlisle that truly knew how bad things were at this moment. Still, he had the tiniest gleam of hope in his eyes despite the tinge of despair to his emotions, and even that shimmer of hope offered me comfort. If Jasper could have hope, even a little, then perhaps everything truly would be all right.

I felt Carlisle's steady serenity as he sat beside me. I looked up into his face—his compassionate features were perfectly smooth in the well-learned poker face of a doctor. I'd never gotten to hear about the earlier years of London—I'd wanted to learn so much from him, and now I might never have the chance. There was so much he had done, and I'd never stopped to appreciate it. I really hoped that I would be able to change that someday.

And here was Edward, my reason for trying to make it through this coming trial. His arms were around me and his fingers stroked my hand as if we were merely watching a movie or having a peaceful conversation rather than awaiting my impending death. Still, I knew from the blackness of his eyes that he was experiencing a despair that I didn't want to even contemplate the depth of. If stubbornness could bring me through this conversion, it would be the stubbornness that connected me with him.

If I had to die now, at least I would die surrounded by the people that I loved. If death was to be my fate, then I couldn't ask for a better way to leave this life than to slowly slip away while still feeling their love around me. I had been blessed beyond measure, to be cared for by these amazing people when I'd had nothing to offer them in return. All I had was love of their son, and even that was probably pitifully small compared to that which their vampire emotions were capable of.

"I love you all," I whispered, fully aware of how badly those words portrayed the depth of my feelings for them all. I just couldn't express myself well enough, although I knew that I had to try. "You've been…so good to me…even when you didn't….have to be. When I didn't deserve it. Whatever happens to me now…it truly…won't matter. The price…is much less…than what I've…gained."

I gasped mutely as the pressure worsened in my chest after my stilted dialogue. Carlisle, in a movement that blurred from his immeasurable speed, swiftly slipped the ties of a gas mask connected to an oxygen tank over my head, and settled it against my face. I was able to relax in Edward's arms as pure oxygen was administered directly to my aching lungs. Unwilling as I was to talk again for a minute, I flashed Carlisle a look that said I deeply appreciated his kindly ministrations.

He smiled down at me, gently, understanding my expression perfectly. "You're very welcome, Bella. I'm going to give you some medication that I hope will help with the pain, all right? Just try to relax and let it take you over. I'll be here the whole time of your transformation, just to make sure that everything goes all right. Have no fear." I smiled again at him. How could he think I would even be capable of fear, with him and Edward and the rest of our family at my side?

Edward leaned down, speaking to me for the first time since I'd woken up. "Is there anything you need, Bella?" I savored the way my name sounded like a song on his lips. "Is there anything you'd like before it happens? Just say the words, my love, and it's yours."

I grasped his hand with all the strength I had left. "I…I do want something."

He nodded, looking surprised at my response, yet very eager to please me. "What is it, honey? I'll give you anything you want."

"I want your promise. I…I want you to live, Edward," I whispered. "Promise me…that you'll live…no matter what happens. Even if…I die. You'll live."

I heard Esme give a huge sigh of relief that she probably wasn't even aware of doing. This was obviously something she'd been worrying about. I couldn't look at her, though. I had to keep looking at Edward, desperate as I was to know what his answer to my request would be.

Edward leaned down above me, putting our faces within inches of each other. I could see his cool façade slipping as his emotional control lost some of its momentum in the face of my unexpected request. The raw conflict burned in his emotion-blackened eyes. "I don't think I can _do_ that, Bella. I can't live without you anymore. Don't ask me that, please. You're consigning me to a life of agony and darkness—can't you understand that? I can't bear to make a promise to you that I can't possibly keep."

That wasn't what I wanted to hear from him. I glared at him as hard as I possibly could. "I did it for you. I…survived. Even when…I didn't want to. You can do…the same for me. I love you. You…love me. Live."

I watched the war continue to be waged in his marble features. Everyone seemed to be holding their breaths as they waited with me.

Finally, he said, "I promise, Bella. I promise that I'll do my best to survive without you, even though I really don't want to promise you that. I'll live, but only because I know that I would want you to live even if I died. I'll do it for you, as best I can. You're right—you have done it for me. I'll try."

I sighed and relaxed against the white sheets of the bed. That was a relief to my mind—I didn't want him running off to Italy as he'd once threatened to do if I died. Even if "doing my best" and "trying" weren't quite the same thing as doing, I knew that he truly would give his promise everything he had.

"Is there anything else you need?" Edward asked me again, obviously hoping for something a little easier to grant than my previous request.

How funny. Last wishes for the condemned prisoner, or perhaps the last sensations of my human life? I knew what else I wanted then. "I know…what I can't die…without. Just kiss me, Edward…please. Just one more time…like this. Just as Edward and Bella…the way we were then. When we were young…and the world was open to us."

He eagerly complied with my wish. My eyes were captured by his as he leaned down, closing the distance between us. I forgot the fact that his family was watching us, forgot the fact that I was dying, forgot everything. I was filled with his gaze, with the love for me that it held with such strength. The fact that I was loved like this still continued to take my breath away in a manner with which my faulty heart couldn't ever hope to compare. Then my eyes closed in ecstasy as I felt the first connection of our lips.

It was probably the best kiss he'd ever given me, which was saying quite a bit, seeing that it was Edward. He was good at everything, after all.

His smooth, cold lips caressed mine gently, but with an obvious impatience and fervor. Goosebumps rose up along my arms and legs, and the pressure in my chest eased for a moment despite the heightened pounding of my pulse. He sucked, ever so gently, on first my top lip and then my bottom, giving each their proper due. The icy sensations were incredible. The feeling of his great desire and love for me was coloring every nuance of the embrace as he held me close to his well-defined chest. I sighed, and he slipped my tongue into my mouth, inviting mine to dance with smooth strokes and sultry movements.

The cool air that he breathed into my mouth was in my nostrils, my eyes, and its sweetness seemed to seep all the way down to my toes. My very thoughts themselves were filled with his breath's indescribable fragrance. The icy chill of his lips eased the fearful heat in my own, and they seemed to take all the wild terrors and lingering doubts away from my mind permanently.

His graceful fingers ran through the entire length of my hair. His lightest touch along the sensitive skin of my scalp raised the hairs on the back of my neck in pleasure and yearning.

Then the kiss gentled, and his touch seeming feather light to my dazed mind. His tongue was suddenly absent from my mouth, even though I couldn't remember his actually removing it. I realized with a jolt that Carlisle must have already injected me with the morphine in preparation for the transformation. I was falling asleep with the relaxation brought through the influence of both the medication and Edward's touch.

When the pressure seemed to be completely gone from my lips, I murmured, "Thank you, my love. I'll see you soon…no matter where we are. Wherever I go…I'll wait for you." Then my tongue was stilled, and the fog swirled around me once more.

My grip on Edward's hand loosened against my will, but my body commanded it.

Carlisle spoke up then, his voice coming from a great distance. Why was he so far away? "She's ready, Edward, whenever you are. I don't know if the morphine will work for long, but it has taken full effect." His voice faded even more—he must have turned away from me. "Everybody else, I must ask you to wait outside, if you please." I tried to concentrate enough to hear my family leave, but I just couldn't. My body was too heavy.

Through a blurry haze of sensations and perceptions, I felt Edward's lips touch mine again, gently, and then trail down my jaw, across my cheekbone, and then finally stop at the hollow of my throat.


	19. Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't need glasses, because I would have vampire senses

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't need glasses, because I would have vampire senses. That, or a boyfriend to see for me.

A/N: I love it when you guys curse at me. Lets me know that I'm doing my job of keeping you entertained! I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my fabulous friends, WanderingAnariel and Knoxdiver. You guys rock!

Keep up the reviews, they make me happy.

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Edward's lips softly kissed my neck, and if I had been able to, I would have let out a moan of pleasure at the faint sensation. No matter how close we were or how long we'd been together, the magic of his touch never eased to astonish me. I was never able to get acclimated to the unfathomable wonder of him, and I hoped that I never would. To underestimate Edward would be a death that I didn't care to contemplate.

Deep inside my brain, where all thought was safe and my own, I was very aware of what was about to happen to me. The morphine had numbed my body and, to some degree, my mind, but the chill of Edward's touch had reawakened my thoughts most effectively. I dreaded the pain, trembled at it.

I was glad my body hadn't awoken with my mind…I didn't want to feel what was about to happen within me at all. I remembered the fire that had gone through my veins after James had bitten me when I was seventeen all too well. I knew that I was about to be plunged into that utter torment again, if not into death itself. Still, I couldn't seem to manage to work up any fear or hesitation about what the next few moments or, if all went well, the next three days, contained. My life, with all its twists and turns, had led me to this moment. I was sure of the decisions that had brought me here, and I wasn't afraid anymore of where the next step would take me. Pain was pain, and I couldn't be afraid of it, not when that fear might keep me from my destiny. I had experienced worse pain, after all—the pain of desertion, of complete and total dejection. Fire? I could live with it far more easily than abandonment. The small person within me that was aware stopped its foolish trembling.

Suddenly, the light pressure of Edward's cold lips disappeared from my awareness entirely. I thought I felt something wet graze across the upper layer of my skin. Despite my brave thoughts of just a moment before, I was suddenly deeply afraid. I trembled and throbbed in the dread of what was about to come.

Then, I felt multiple, razor-sharp knives plunging themselves deep into the thin skin of my throat, where my blood had started to pound furiously from the fear. The knives were the cold that burns, and if my body could have responded, I would have shuddered from the frozen pain of it.

Something warm dripped thickly down from the knives, then, and I could literally feel the liquid entering my thundering bloodstream. I felt paralyzed, completely trapped, and I suddenly found that I vividly remembered Alice's words from long ago. We were in a hotel room in Phoenix, and she was explaining the secrets of the vampires with an unconcerned and perfect clarity. _We have another fairly superfluous weapon. We're also venomous. The venom doesn't kill—it's merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream, so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us._

I knew that I wouldn't be able to escape, either. I was the prey now.

A moment later the knives were at my ankles, and then they moved on to my wrists. Every place on my body where my arteries were prominent, I felt large amounts of the cold venom seeping into my body from Edward's glistening teeth.

I couldn't run away now, for better or for worse. Shock filled my being, the grim shock of something foreign taking over my system against my body's will. After that brief struggle for dominance, though, the venom won and pushed my body's will aside as if it were no more than a lingering doubt.

Fiery torment raged through my veins, my muscles, even within my very bones. Thrust entirely away from the pleasant numbness of a moment before, my eyes opened as wide as they could go. They felt as if they were splitting open. I felt something primal, something strong, and it was clawing at my very insides. It was something desperate to leave me, to escape.

It was a scream.

I screamed with everything within me, a scream full of suffering and the horrible realization that while my mind might have been safe from outward manipulation, my frail body was all too vulnerable. I wasn't safe anymore within in my own body, for something was taking over me. There was no protection standing between me and this unfathomable pain.

"The morphine's not working, Carlisle!"

Edward's panicked voice cut through the red miasma caused by the agony, and I opened my eyes to see him leaning above me, keeping steady pressure on my cut wrists while Carlisle stitched up the cuts on my ankles with insanely fast movements.

_Vampire_, I reminded myself wryly through the crimson haze of the pain that covered my eyes and thoughts.

"There was never much chance at all that it would work, Edward. You knew that already, son," Carlisle replied quietly, his voice reflecting the sheer horror he felt at my pain. I'd never met a man with more compassion…if only I could appreciate it more at the moment. I caught his murmured words in the seconds I was gasping for air to appease my throbbing lungs in-between the shrieks of aching hurt.

"I knew you didn't think it would…but I had hoped…" Edward noticed then that I was looking up at him. His eyes were dark with horror as he gazed down at my quivering, wretched body. "Bella, I'm so sorry! Please, Bella, try to relax! Don't let your heart beat so hard, if you can. Please, please, Bella! Forgive me!"

With a superhuman effort, I tried to do what he asked. I clutched the sheets and then struggled to loosen my stranglehold, working against every natural instinct that told me to tense up against the pain that was crashing over me in waves. I managed to loosen up my throat and body enough to gasp out to him, "Don't…blame….yourself. I knew….about this…"

Then, with a feeling that a nuclear bomb had suddenly exploded inside my chest, the venom that had seeped down from my throat and up from my wrists reached the chambers of my rapidly pounding heart.

I screamed a bloodcurdling scream, not even caring that no one was around with any blood left to curdle. I writhed and fought futilely against the flames of the venom that was burning me into nothing more than ashes and dust. "Edward! The fire! _The fire!_"

Lost in the sensations, I could say no more.

I felt my body thrashing on the bed, much like a fish flopping on a dock. I could feel every fault of my human heart acutely, the venom exposing every weakness without mercy or cessation. Stinging, salty tears flowed from my burning eyes without a halt. My entire body seemed to be bouncing from the sheer force of my pulse as it thundered through my veins, taking Edward's venom along with the precious blood and oxygen that my body thought it still needed.

My heart felt as if it were beating out of control. I yearned for the darkness to consume me, but such a release was not to be. I felt every heartbeat, every throb of pain as acutely as I'd ever experienced anything in my life. I couldn't sleep, couldn't rest, and couldn't hide from the anguish. It consumed me, or tried to—my thoughts for the most part remained my own. When the pain gave me all too brief moments of respite before beginning all over again, I would remind myself that even this experience was worth the prize. Edward was more than I had ever deserved, and this baptism by fire was the best present that I could give him. It was all I could give him, this tangible proof of my love and my desire to his own.

He must have sensed this instinctively. Edward stayed with me the entire time, soothing me, doing everything he possibly could to alleviate my suffering. He sang to me and quoted from books in order to try and distract me from my pain. Cool cloths were an omnipresent comfort on my sweating brow. His lips brushed mine in mute apology every time I couldn't stand the suffering anymore and screamed aloud. Over and over again, he assured me of his love. It was all I needed, really.

Even though I wished that this ordeal could be easier, I really couldn't expect the end of my life to be gentle and soothing. Nothing important in life is ever easy, and stepping from humanity into another kind of existence could be nothing _but_ jarring. A birth is a brutally violent beginning to life, after all. This end was appropriate in its own, sadistic way.

I vaguely remembered learning a poem, a villanelle, in high school several years ago that suddenly came to mind. Whole new meanings to the work were presenting themselves to me now, offering me a slight distraction. The poem had been written by a man named Dylan Thomas at the time of his father's death. It said:

"_Though wise men at their end know dark is right,  
Because their words had forked no lightning they  
Do not go gentle into that good night._

_Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright  
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."_

My deeds had been frail, and the light was dying for me, but I did know that that darkness was right for me. I would not rage, not now that the light of humanity was dying from my body. I would not be sorry, because the glorious illuminations of reason and love would stay with me. They would be my guiding lights, no matter what new changes awaited me along with my immortality.

Two days and a night passed in that way. The hours were filled with screams and pain, yes, but also by a strange hope that refused to be beaten down by the flames that encompassed my body.


	20. Awakening

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I could afford some of the things I've been wanting because I could predict the changes in the stock market—correction, Alice could tell me

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I could afford some of the things I've been wanting because I could predict the changes in the stock market—correction, Alice could tell me!

A/N: Start singing the Hallelujah Chorus, folks, because here it is! I hope it lives up to your expectations. I have a few ideas for lightening things up for a couple chapters, so maybe y'all will get a break from the drama! Still, please keep reviewing, and send any ideas that you'd like me to run with! You guys are AMAZING!

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On the morning of the third day, I felt a numbness begin to seep icily from my fingertips and toes and work its way further into my body. It was such a relief from the fire that I would have fallen asleep from even that small liberation of the pain, but that ability was already gone from me forever. I would never sleep, never dream again. I couldn't say that I would miss the nightmares.

Instead of sleeping, I gazed into Edward's beautiful eyes. They were much more peaceful and they were golden in their color, now that the pain was nearly at an end for me. I knew that some of the peace he was feeling was caused by the fact that it really seemed like the end had come safely, and the end was without my death. My heart had sputtered, had even had to be coaxed into beating a time or two by Carlisle's skill, but it had finally stopped beating at the correct time. My poor heart had worked long enough to get me through the transformation, and then the vampire venom finally let it rest as something stronger took over my body. I wouldn't need it again, and would never be afraid of an end that was caused by bodily failure.

Carlisle, who had been as constant a presence as Edward by my side throughout the whole ordeal, even left the room every once in a while now to check on everyone else in the teeming house. I took his casual departures as a sign that everything would be all right, and that I was almost done. Funny how much that made me sound like a Christmas turkey. Gravy, anyone?

Carlisle told me that my new brothers and sisters were all eager to see me again, and I was sure that their enthusiasm couldn't possibly match my own for intensity. All of my emotions were wilder, stronger. I finally understood why Edward had always looked so skeptical when I spoke of my love for him as compared to his love for me. The love I bore for Edward had increased tenfold just in the time since my heart had finally stopped beating. I was nearly overwhelmed by the strength of my love, and my joy had being allowed to stay at his side for all eternity.

The glorious moment came when I was able to relax completely against the bed, breathing hard, as if I'd just come in from a long run. It was the strangest feeling—even as I gulped down the air, something, a tiny voice perhaps, nagged at my brain and told me that I didn't really even need the oxygen anymore. Everything suddenly seemed so quiet. I wondered at the silence for a minute before I realized that it was the absence of the blood rushing through my ears that made the world seem that way. My body wasn't like a seashell anymore, reflecting the ocean swirling within. I was dry, clean, and strong, with no dependency on my own blood—just on the blood of fellow creatures. I guess I hadn't changed all that much, after all.

Other sounds I could hear perfectly, though—not just the wind outside and the settling of the boards of the house, but the people within the house, too. The vampires that had always seemed so stealthy and silent before suddenly became almost normal sounding to my hyper-alert ears. It was almost eerie—I could pinpoint where everyone was and understand what they were doing from the sounds alone. I could tell from the noises that floated up to me that Emmett was sitting on the back porch talking to Jasper, although they were speaking so softly that I couldn't hear the actual words. A light brushing noise told me that Rose was in the kitchen with Esme, filing her nails while Esme turned the crackling page of a new book. Small thumps from a nearby room told me that Alice was bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet while humming to herself; she was probably examining the clothes in her closet. Or she could just be excited—one could never tell with Alice. That made me smile, and the expression eased the tension in my face. It had been hardened into a grimace of pain for three days—a smile felt truly wonderful.

I'd always had fairly good eyesight, and I'd never needed glasses. Still, that didn't stop me from being amazed by being able to spot a spider in the corner of the room, a spider so tiny that it probably could only have been seen by a microscope. I was positively overwhelmed by the grain in the wood of the bedside tables. The swirls, the variations of colors: they were things that I'd never seen before in just a piece of wood. It appeared that there was a whole new world to discover, that there were many things that I could learn to appreciate in a whole new way.

But the smells that met my nose—it was indescribable. The smells were even more overwhelming than the noises and the sights. I could smell the rain that hovered in dark clouds above the nearby mountains. Wildflowers were blooming in the fields, their scent carried to me by the wind, as well as the aroma from the roses that Esme had planted in her flowerbeds. The smell of the alcohol and pain killers that Carlisle had used on me earlier in this room was startling to my nose.

But I found that another scent truly ensnared my senses.

It was the lovely scent of Edward himself, improved a million times by my new awareness. I looked up at him and spoke smoothly and rationally for the first time in three days: "Do you mean to tell me that I'm lucky enough to smell _that_ for the rest of eternity?"

"Bella!" Edward cried, obviously elated as he busied himself with brushing the sweat-soaked hair away from my forehead with a trembling hand. Funny, I'd never known before that his hand _could_ tremble, but I could clearly see its infinitesimal movement now. It appeared that I still had a lot to learn about Edward, even though I had thought I knew him well before. "How do you feel?"

I considered the question, trying to find an adjective that would accurately describe just how I felt. "New," I finally said. "I'd definitely say that newness is the closest description to all these sensations I can find. You could probably come up with something much more apropos."

The last of the pain within me flickered and died at last as I finished speaking, the flames dissolving into ashes. True rest found me, even though I could no longer sleep. "Is it over now, Edward?" I asked, eagerly hopeful. "The pain is all gone—just vanished."

Edward smiled down at me, visibly relieved by my news. "It's all for you over now, dearest. You are right—you are completely new. The ailments of your previously weak, faulty flesh will never afflict you again."

I grinned up at him. It was nice to know that I'd never have a failing heart again…or a runny nose, for that matter. Those were _really_ annoying.

"Do you feel like standing up?" he asked.

Joy leapt within me. "Yes! Yes, I do. I'd love to see if I can take a step without falling over my own feet."

He offered me his hand, and I took it enthusiastically. I noticed with a quick feeling of deepest shame and humiliation when he winced from the pressure of my strong fingers. "Oh my gosh, Edward! I'm so sorry! Did I hurt you?"

To my surprise, he grinned that old crooked smile at me. The love burned within me then, stronger and hotter than it ever had before. "Yes, you did a little," he said cheerfully. "Does that strike you as funny as it does me?"

Suddenly, it did. Imagine weak little me, managing to hurt the impenetrable, unstoppable Edward! I guess he didn't need to worry about me being breakable anymore. The hilarity bubbled and frothed deep within my stomach, and I started to laugh.

But the rush of air I needed to let me laugh just elevated a suddenly scratchy, burning feeling in the back of my throat as I took in the oxygen. I grabbed my neck with both hands, my eyes widening a little in horror. My throat was burning, scratching me. "Edward!" I rasped. "My throat! What—what's wrong?"

"Shush, love," he told me as he pushed me back into a sitting position on the bed, his face looking chagrined at having forgotten something. "I'm sorry, I forgot. You're just thirsty, that's all. Emmett already has your first meal prepared for you, but he told me to tell you that you'll be expected to fend for yourself for now on. Actually, I think he was rather pleased to be needed." Edward held up a shiny silver thermos as evidence of his words and offered it to me.

Hesitantly, I unscrewed the top of the flask and peered down. To my own horror, I retched when the rusty scent of blood hit my nose with all the force of a punch.

Bewildered, I gagged and felt my stomach heaving violently. "Edward! I can't drink that!" I gasped, trying to keep from vomiting. Do vampires vomit? It was something I'd never thought to ask about before. So much for the theory of losing the ailments of the flesh! I had to go through life—nay, an eternity—abhorring the very thing I needed to survive. It would have been terribly funny if it hadn't been so damn pathetic…or if it hadn't been me.

"Isabella Marie Swan! Do you mean to tell me that of all the things you could have kept of your human life as you became a _vampire_, you kept your intolerance for the smell of blood?" Edward snatched the thermos away from me before I could drop it and splash its contents all over the clean floor.

The incredulity of Edward's voice seemed to echo in the room and in my very soul. I'd disappointed him yet again. I could have sworn that I heard Emmett start laughing uproariously somewhere in the house. Darn old teddy bear…thinking that I was put on this earth to merely be his entertainment…

Then I glanced up and saw that Edward wasn't mad—he was truly amused at the whole thing! Even though I was glad he wasn't disappointed with me, he still wasn't exactly being sympathetic.

Traitor.

I'd be mad at him later, when I wasn't feeling so dizzy.

Carlisle spoke up then, obviously intrigued by the whole situation. I would have to be irritated at him later, too, for thinking that I was a science experiment. I hadn't even realized that he'd come back into the room until he said something. "Bella, I know it will feel strange, but I suggest that you don't breathe. That should help—you won't be able to smell the blood if there's no air coming in through your nose."

Edward nodded in agreement with Carlisle's opinion and they both turned back to me, waiting expectantly. I'd always hated eating with an audience…and it certainly wouldn't be very attractive when I spewed blood all over the floor and myself when I couldn't hold it down. I was doomed.

Experimentally, I took a deep breath and held it, waiting for my lungs and brain to start screaming for oxygen as they'd always done before when I'd held my breath if I was swimming. It didn't happen. All the smells—the flowers, Edward, and, thankfully, the blood as well—utterly disappeared from my awareness. I would have sighed from relief if I weren't so afraid of getting sick again.

Edward handed me the thermos back firmly, and I gazed down into its depths in abject distaste. The blood sloshed a little, looking thick and disgusting. I looked up at my love intending to plead for a reprieve, but I stopped up my protest before it left my throat when he nodded encouragingly at me. I knew from the look on his face that if I didn't drink this liquid on my own, he would force feed me if he had to. Without the blood, I'd weaken. He wouldn't stand for that. It was either me choking it down, or Edward pouring it down my throat for me. I was reminded strongly of the time when he'd dragged me to his car to keep me from driving after I'd fainted in biology class.

This blood was a part of my new life, along with the fun stuff, like the running faster than the wind and super hearing and Olympian-grade strength. It was time to make some adjustments to my thinking and ways of life.

In resignation to the inevitability of my fate, I lifted the canister to my lips and took a deep, long draught.

The liquid splashed down my throat, and I was surprised when I found that it tasted wonderful once I got past the smell. The blood healed the scratchiness of my throat, and I didn't feel nearly so panicky and disoriented. Eagerly, I downed the entire amount and found myself as satisfied as I had after any hearty meal that I'd shared with Charlie back in Forks.

"Wow," I told Edward, licking my lips in order to catch the last drops as they clung to the fine hair around my mouth. "That really isn't so bad, once you get past the awful reek of it."

"Well done, Bella!" Carlisle cheered, elated.

Edward considered me thoughtfully, tapping his chiseled chin with his pointer finger. "Maybe your little lingering aversion will actually help you in the long run, Bella, now that I think on the implications of it all. If you can't stand how humans smell from the blood within them, you won't be nearly so tempted to kill something that you shouldn't."

"Ah! You just might be on to something with that little hypothesis, Edward," Carlisle crowed, pondering me again. "Well done!"

Edward bowed in recognition of his father's praise before turning back to me, the grin wide on his face. I squealed when he swooped down and picked me up, twirling me around the room. Once my feet were back on the floor, Edward said, "Don't you realize what this means, Bella? You could be around humans again much sooner than we thought! Jasper will be disappointed, of course, but he can just get over losing his childish bet. I'd much rather not have you tempted in the same way as the rest of us. I never wanted that for you, to know that level of desperation and the futility of ever satisfying it."

I looked up in surprise at this fact, my grin beginning to match his—he was right, I realized. Now that I was breathing again, I was instantaneously very aware of the_ smells _of the life around me. With the blood of some nameless animal still warm in my stomach, I found that I could easily ignore the deer that I could hear stalking in the shade of some nearby trees, and disregard the wildcat that lurked a few miles south of the house. Their smells reached me, hot and absurdly obvious, but they didn't tempt me to imbibe in the least—I was too sickened by the horrible smell, although the stench wasn't as bad as when the blood had been out of its container, as it had been in the thermos. In the animals, the smell was made bearable by the scent of the animals' skins. Hopefully it would be the same with the blood of people. I was relieved—maybe I wouldn't have to be a monster after all.

With the rejuvenation brought about by my meal, though, I realized how truly disgusting I felt. My skin was hard and impermeable now, but I was still covered with the sweat and tears from the past three days' ordeal. I was dying…no, make that desperate, I couldn't die, after all…to have a shower and put on some clean clothes before I did anything else.

Edward saw me grimacing down at my dirty clothing with palpable distaste. "Everybody else wants to see you, but I'll bet that they can manage to wait a few minutes more," he told me with a grin. "Why don't you go hop in the shower while Carlisle and I clean everything up in here?" He indicated the dirty sheets, the medical supplies—all the evidence of the trial of the past three days. I knew he was just as eager to see them leave as I was.

I smiled at him in thanks, before suddenly darting over in a blur of motion and reaching up on tiptoes so that I could kiss him. He bent down just as eagerly, exuberantly happy, I expect, by the fact that he couldn't crush me anymore.

It felt as if a bolt of lightning struck us when our lips touched for the first time as fellow vampires, fellow immortals. His lips had always felt so glassy smooth and perfect before to me. Now, with my heightened sense of touch, I could feel every dip and curve of his mouth, every infinitesimal crack in his lips, and experience every movement to the fullest without worrying about his venom-coated teeth or his bloodlust getting the better of the both of us. It was the single most amazing experience of my life as we kissed for what seemed like forever, neither of us needing to breathe any longer.

Nothing could interrupt us from this bliss…or that's what I thought, anyway.

Carlisle clearing his throat noisily finally brought us abruptly back to ourselves, and I found myself blushing in embarrassment for our lusty display. Or at least trying to blush, that is. Edward laughed at me. "Your cheeks don't get red anymore, love, but you still look down at your toes when you're embarrassed. I'm very partial to that." He winked as he pointed this all out to me.

I grinned up at him, undeterred by his teasing. "I'll be right back. Don't go away, now!" I darted into the closet, amazed at the ability to run—to not be in bed or to have to gasp for breath every other second. It was truly wonderful to just feel so…alive, even though reason told me that a large part of me was actually dead. Who wanted to listen to reason, anyway? If we'd listened to reason, I wouldn't be here in the first place.

Prepared with jeans and a t-shirt slung over my arm, I skipped into the bathroom and stepped into the shower, studiously ignoring the reflection in the mirror. I wasn't ready just yet to see what I had become, even though my curiosity was burning. I was all too eager to see what I hoped was my new beauty, but I knew that all newborns had red eyes. To look into those red eyes would be like looking into the eyes of my past, the eyes of James and Victoria and all the other vampires that I considered to be malevolent. The idea of joining in that list of vampires with red eyes was not at all appealing. I wanted to put that sensation off for as long as I could, even though I knew that the actual moment of truth was inevitable.

So I took as long as I possibly could in the shower, carefully washing my hair several times with my strawberry shampoo, cleansing my body and rinsing off the residue of my humanity with the warm water that steamed as it hit my cooled skin. I laughed at the sight—I'd never imagined myself looking like a fence post in winter. Still, it felt truly amazing to be clean. My body rejoiced to be free of the oil and grime that clung to normal human skin without people being any the wiser, but which I'd noticed immediately and abhorred.

Finally I stepped out of the shower, humming under my breath as I quickly dried my hair and wrapped a towel under my arms in preparation for dressing. There was a knock at the door then. "May I come in?" I heard Edward ask hesitantly.

Smiling, I replied, "Come on in, Edward. I'm somewhat decent."

"You're _never_ decent. It's your greatest flaw," he replied sarcastically as he walked in, shutting the door carefully behind him before turning to look at me. "Oh, my," he breathed. I could see the love and yes, the lust, in his eyes as he looked me up and down again in a long, smooth glance. I guess the towel didn't cover that much after all. To my surprise, I could smell his arousal at the sight of me, and grinned at the revelation. I could finally get him back for always knowing when my heart beat too fast around him—he couldn't hide his attraction from me now!

Shaking his head hard as if to get rid of faulty vision, Edward told me in a shaky voice, "My Bella, you are so beautiful. I'm sorry to have gaped like that; it wasn't very gentlemanly of me…I hope I didn't embarrass you."

I walked over to him and took his hands carefully in mine, minutely conscious of my newborn strength. I didn't want to hurt him. To some degree, I'd be glad when this new strength of mine faded and neither of us had to be overly cautious around the other anymore. Normalcy—what would we do with ourselves when we had it? "Don't be embarrassed for looking at me, Edward," I said, gazing into his golden eyes. "I'm glad to be loved in that way. Every woman likes to know that she is attractive to men, and it means even more when he's _her_ man."

Relieved by my words, Edward admitted softly, "I wanted to be here when you saw yourself for the first time. It's an important moment for you, after all." He nodded at the mirror that loomed behind us, the one I'd avoided before. It didn't scare me when he was here to help me be strong.

"Well, then, I want you to be here for it, too. All of my important moments are with you," I informed him. "Well, shall we?"

With a sudden wicked grin that caught me by surprise, Edward covered my eyes with his hand and led me over to the mirror completely blind. I might have been stronger than him, but he was still taller, and he propelled me easily. I was just grateful that I couldn't trip us both up anymore. "Edward!" I squealed, trying to act angry and not quite managing it. "What are you doing back there?"

"I'm making the moment special," he whispered silkily into my ear, causing a shiver to run up my spine from the chill of his words as well as their meanings. "Are you prepared to see yourself as you will be for the rest of eternity, love? Just ignore the eyes for the moment; I promise that they'll change and look like ours soon enough. Are you truly ready, my Bella?"

"Yes," I whispered back, resigned to the coming sight of my red eyes since he was with me. "It's now or never, I suppose."

"All right, then. Look at yourself, my beautiful, beautiful Bella." Edward removed his hand from my eyes and stepped back so that I would be in the direct line of sight of the mirror. He rested his head on my shoulder as he stood behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist.

The girl in the mirror was undoubtedly me, but it was as if all of my features had been smoothed and perfected. It was just like the way a sculptor carefully chips away any excess stone that might mar the perfect lines of the piece. My brown hair was thicker and the red highlights stood out more than they ever had before. My face was more angular, and every curve was just a little firmer than it had been before. As I'd known they would be, my eyes were a brilliant garnet shade, but there were the tiniest circles of gold around the edges. It would take a while, but eventually they would be as honey and molten as Edward's. That small remnant of brown was comforting—it separated me from the ghosts of my past. Victoria and James hadn't had any gold in their gazes. My shoulders fell in graceful waves away from my white neck, and my skin was as pale and flawless as if it had been airbrushed. No more pimples!

"This, Bella," Edward said softly as he gazed at my reflection in the mirror over my shoulder, "this is what I could see every time you told me that you thought you weren't beautiful, when you said that you didn't understand how you could hold me. Do you see now why I would be so angered with you and with your lack of vision? Can you even fathom how beautiful you are to me _now_?"

I nodded vaguely, entranced but oddly relieved. "I'm glad that I look beautiful in a friendly sort of way, though. I don't think that I'm scary. I may be perfected, but I'm still the same Bella, right?"

He laughed at me then, in a gentle chuckle that told me that I was being silly and all too transparent. His laughter didn't hurt my feelings—he was right, just as he always was. "Of course, sweetheart," he said. "Your beauty is the kind that invites, not warns, even though I'm sure it'll be inviting many more males than I'll care to listen to." I laughed at that, imaging his scowls when he heard thoughts that didn't agree with him. "Besides, you'll always be the same Bella; your appearance won't change that. It's what's in your mind and heart that counts. I'm so thankful for that, my darling." Edward kissed my cheek. "Welcome home, my Bella. We'll always be together, you know—from now until forever."


	21. Logic and Instinct

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would be sparkling right now from the sunlight coming through my window

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would be sparkling right now from the sunlight coming through my window.

A/N: I admit it. I'm evil. I dedicate this chapter to Masochistic Vampire Lover, who just ADORES my cliffhangers. This chapter was way too much fun to write. I hope you all enjoy it! Keep up the reviews; they are my heart and soul!

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A few memories would forever stick out in my brain of that very first hour I experienced as an immortal, that I experienced as an asset instead of a liability. First, there was Emmett. He amused himself by wolf whistling when he saw me in my changed form for the first time, even though I could tell he was secretly mourning the loss of his little human pal that had attracted all of the fun danger. Then there was Jasper running up and wrapping his arms around me, giving me the biggest hug ever—we'd hardly ever been able to touch one another before. I knew that being able to be close to Jasper would be one of the best things about my change. The expression on Rosalie's face as she drew me gently into her arms and welcomed me to the family was both priceless and beautiful. The proud, content look on Esme's face—I could see her barely resisting the temptation to crow from delight at the sight of her finally completed family. _And then there were eight,_ I thought wryly to myself, rejoicing along with her at the number. Carlisle looked fervently relieved—I didn't think anyone but the two of us realized how close I'd come to not making it to this happy day. I imagined that Carlisle was probably very ready for a small break from Bella-worrying.

Then there was the sight of Alice darting into her bedroom, returning only to throw a pair of nine-inch strappy, impossibly skinny, stiletto shoes at me. Need I say that the joy of being able to walk across the room without falling in them would be among my best memories as well? Increased balance—what a gift!

All of these things, experienced as they were with the fullness of a vampire's enhanced memory, would forever be mine to treasure. I could draw them out and relive them whenever I wanted to.

Now that I wasn't all delicate and sickly anymore, Alice threw herself even more fully into the business of wedding planning. Any attempt on my part to sneak away to spend time with my handsome fiancée Alice dealt with decisively and brutally—it didn't help that she could see my plans and head them off at the pass before I could really eve implement them.

One day when Alice caught me sneaking out of the skylight in the attic with the intention of meeting Edward in the woods, she told me that she'd tie me to a chair if she had to in order to keep me in the house—the wedding was only a week away, after all! I needed to keep my mind on the finish line…she continued on in that vein for at least an hour or two, and I never even got the chance to interrupt. So I just tried to escape again. Yeah, that ended up working out well.

Edward was not at all happy when he came out of the woods an hour later after futilely waiting for me to meet him, only to find me shackled to a metal chair with steel chains while Alice prattled happily along in my ear about flowers and cakes as I tried not to glower and curse her out. I tried to shrug my shoulders at Edward when he caught sight of me to show him that I had been unable to fulfill my end of the bargain, but the movement was impeded by the fetters Alice had wrapped around me. I was strong enough to break them with my newborn strength, of course, but I had no hope of being able to elude Alice once I had, indeed, broken out of her imposed Alcatraz.

"Alice!" Edward roared deafeningly as he came running into the room and saw me pinioned like that. I looked up when I felt a thundering below my feet and saw Emmett skidding through the doorway, only to lean against the wall in order to observe the show with a huge grin on his slightly goofy face. "What in the hell are you doing to Bella?" Edward demanded, crossing his arms and tapping his foot. "The only excuse for your behavior is that she tried to steal the _Mona Lisa_…you should probably explain quickly if you value your life."

Alice appeared to be completely unperturbed with Edward's anger. "Oh, Edward, calm down. Bella wouldn't stay put—she kept babbling on nonsense, something about sneaking into the woods in order to take a walk with you. Pure silliness, naturally. I found that I was forced to chain her up." Alice shrugged, and I found myself wondering if she needed a star to indicate her sheriff status or something. "Don't worry; there was no cruelty involved in the capture. The Geneva Convention was honored—she'll get a prisoner of war package as soon as I can trust her not to run away again."

Emmett guffawed at that, and I glared menacingly at him. Apparently I was much more frightening at a vampire—he immediately shut up and looked up, as if the ceiling had become vastly interesting. Alice eyed him, but then said, "I'm sorry, Edward, but I needed her here today to help me with the wedding. Hey!" she shouted, finally nettled. "Stop that this instant! I mean it!"

Edward didn't stop what he was doing—he'd already taken the chain into his strong hands and broken their hold on me without any extra effort, like he was merely swatting at a gnat. Emmett got a look of the expression on Edward's face and beat a hasty retreat. It was probably the smartest thing he'd ever done.

Edward picked me up protectively the way he always had, even though I didn't really need his protection very much anymore. That didn't stop me from enjoying it and I sighed happily. "Alice," Edward said in a gentle, quiet, and utterly dangerous tone of voice, "if you ever, I repeat, _ever_ shackle up Bella again, I can assure you that you'll regret it until the end of your days. That's a promise." The chill that Edward was exuding was roughly comparable to that of nitroglycerin.

"Alice! I'd be very careful if I were you," I heard Jasper counseling his wife from somewhere in the house. "You've really made him mad this time. And don't expect me to come and rescue you, either. I don't want to lose my arms. I told you not to pin Bella up in the first place."

Recoiling, Alice replied, "All right, all right. I surrender, Edward! Get off my back, Jasper. I won't do it again."

It appeared as if Edward wasn't at all appeased by Alice's repentance—he merely growled, low and menacingly, and Alice shuddered. I could hear Emmett guffawing from the next room, where he undoubtedly has his ear against the wall.

She apparently recovered herself again a moment later, though. "Why don't you and Bella go outside for a bit?" she chirped at us happily, as if we were having a polite conversation on the evils of fake flowers. "I need to have Esme's help with the fitting of my bridesmaid dress, anyway, and I certainly don't need Bella's input for that tiny, little chore. Leave it all to me, I'll handle everything! You two crazy kids just go do something and have fun!" She skipped from the room, singing something I thought to be in Latin under her breath.

I looked at Edward warily from my perch in his arms once we were alone. He looked back at me, appearing to be quite calm. "And how did you get her to back off so easily, may I ask? I'd tried everything from bribery to violence to pleading before you finally came in to rescue me," I told him as I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Logic made no impact on her at all. I'm sorry that I couldn't meet you, by the way, but she had me cornered in every sense of the word. I'm just thoroughly amazed and admittedly impressed that you were so effective so quickly while nothing I said made a lick of difference to her."

Edward shrugged. "My darling sister's sudden acquiescence might have had something to do with the fact that I was visualizing chasing her to Madagascar and then coming back here and burning all of her clothes and credit cards in a grand and glorious bonfire in the back yard. That was followed by my folding her Porsche up into something that resembled a tin can—or possibly a purse. Purses made of tin cans were quite popular in the seventies, you know. I hadn't quite decided which course of action would be the most effective or appropriate to her crimes yet," he considered reasonably. "I might have done both. Anyway, Alice saw enough of my plans to get the gist of it, and decided that she really didn't want to run all the way to Madagascar only to come back to an empty garage and closet."

I laughed, admiring Edward's ingenuity. He grinned boldly back at me and reassured me, saying calmly, "My sister won't be chaining you up again; you have my word on that."

"Edward, you're far more evil than even I gave you credit for!" I laughed. "I'm thoroughly impressed. Although she might have actually liked the purse idea…it had a certain charm," I mused, tapping my finger against my chin.

"I certainly would not have liked it and you know that very well, Edward!" Alice shouted indignantly from across the house. "Yellow is _so_ not my color!"

"Exactly!" Edward shouted back.

"Come on, Edward," I urged him, locking my arms around his neck. "Let's go hunting and maybe have some Edward and Bella time before you end up killing Alice in your zeal. That would sorely impede my wedding plans, you know—she might be a terror, but you can't deny that she's a whiz at her job."

"Well, we wouldn't want that, now, would we?" my love murmured back to me. "I was probably a little hasty in my actions, but having you imprisoned is certainly not what I promised when I agreed to change you. I'll apologize to Alice later. What do you want to do now? Your wish is my command!"

I laughed at his eagerness. "Let's just get out of here. We haven't really gotten to play around with my new abilities yet, and I want to see if I can actually hunt without getting sick today. I almost made it yesterday, if Emmett hadn't slung the blood all over my clothes in his version of a good joke." I scowled and tried not to retch at the memory.

"All right," Edward said agreeably. "No Emmett today, then. Did I mention that Jasper and I pranked him back for doing that to you?"

"No," I replied, interested. "What did you do to him?"

"Suffice it to say that he won't be using the Jacuzzi in his and Rose's room any time soon—I wouldn't want to either, myself, if my bathtub were suddenly filled with leeches and snakes." I shuddered at the thought of those things being in the house. "Don't worry," he reassured me—I wondered if he really could hear my thoughts. "They won't be able to get into any of the other parts of the house. Jasper and I were very careful about that. We're still waiting for his shrieks when he finds them."

At that exact moment, we heard a girlish, high, scream from the end of the house where Rosalie and Emmett's room was. "Ah! Help! Somebody help me! _Rose!_"

"Ah!" Edward said happily. "There it is. We can go now."

A moment later, he was setting me down on the ground just outside the house. "Edward, I just had the best idea! Do you want to play a game?" I exclaimed, going completely still as a thought hit me.

"Hmm? What was that you said, sweetheart?" Edward seemed to be preoccupied with playing with my hair.

I smacked his hand away from me and shouted, "Tag! You're it!" before dashing headlong into the woods. I'd been longing to run with Edward—we'd never been able to experience that. We hadn't gone far enough away from the house yet for a good run.

I laughed from the sheer thrill of it, at the feel of the wind in my hair and at the power of my new form. I was running, running so fast that the entire world was nothing more than an insubstantial blur. I laughed to remember that I'd once been afraid of running with Edward like this, foolishly frightened of hitting a tree. It seemed as if the trees were coming at me in slow motion. It was quite easy to dodge them all, and nothing was strong enough on the ground to trip me anymore. I leapt over logs and dashed across creeks. Nothing could contain me.

Edward was darting just behind me, laughing at my apparent joy, a joy that he'd always felt while running. He'd obviously been longing for me to experience this bliss. I could tell from his slow, even breathing that he didn't really have to exert himself to stay up with me. Despite my newborn strength, even I couldn't hope to outrun Edward. It was a good thing that I didn't hope to.

A wild, hot smell suddenly met my nostrils then, and it was enough to slow me down, and then stop me completely. Edward stopped at my side, and I saw from his flared nose that he, too, was aware of the scent. I bent down into an instinctive crouch, lithe and ready for action. "It's a bear," Edward said quietly. "Do you feel up to bringing it down with me there to help you out?"

He was speaking so softly that only my vampire hearing could pick up the tones of his voice—he obviously didn't want to scare our prey. I nodded my answer at him; I wanted to try this.

"All right, then," he replied. "You need to listen very carefully to my instructions. You keep going straight at it. It's in the clearing just right in front of us. I'm going to circle around. When you've distracted it, I'll jump on its back to paralyze it, leaving you to go for the throat. It should be big enough to take care of both of our thirsts with some to spare. We won't need to feed for another week or two then. Just try not to breathe when you make the first incision and you'll be fine."

A little fear went through me, but I knew that it was irrational. I may have been about to take on a bear, but it couldn't exactly hurt me. The only thing I needed to be worried about was gagging from the blood before I could get it into my throat. "Go on. I can do this," I murmured to Edward.

"Yes, you can," he whispered back, vanishing like a gust of wind. I could still smell him, though. He had already made the circle, and had begun to stalk our quarry.

I lurched forward, feeling the wildness and the fluidity of the panther easing into my body. When I slid forward a few feet, I saw the bear, huge and smelling strongly of the blood I yearned for. This was a big male, and Carlisle had already informed me that this part of Alaska was having an animal control problem. I didn't need to feel guilty at all about taking this animal's life. With that in mind, I felt a low, feral growl come ripping out of my throat. This was still a new sensation for me—I was amazed at how satisfying growling could be. It expressed my emotions perfectly while simultaneously heightening my senses of the world around me.

Stalking forward, I kept Edward's words in my mind until everything floated away from me—reason, logic, thought. My body completely succumbed to the call of the hunt, to the summon of my instincts, and I stalked forward.

Suddenly, the right moment came, and I knew it immediately. The bear's head snapped toward me when my scent reached him, and I hissed at it in order to keep its attention on me. With a swishing sound, Edward came soaring through the air and landed with an earth-shattering thud on the bear's back. It plunged to the ground with a groan before it lay, pinned and unable to move.

Edward's eyes were black with thirst as he looked at me for the tiniest second, urging me on. Taking his hint, I sprang out of my crouch and pounced, attaching my teeth right at the bear's throat. His thick fur got in my way, but I didn't mind once the sweet blood came gushing down my throat. _I did it!_ I thought. It was the first rational thing that had crossed my mind since I'd seen the bear. _I didn't get sick, and I didn't mess it up!_

Once I'd drunk my fill, I stepped aside and let Edward take my place. He growled and attacked the place I'd just left, although he was much neater than I was about not getting the blood all over his clothes. Apparently, that was an art form that I had yet to master. Still, I was pleased that I'd only gotten a few dots on my jacket today. I sighed and removed it, leaving only the t-shirt on so that the blood wouldn't be so close to my nose. I'm sure that I would have looked very silly to a human, standing in the snow in the middle of an Alaskan winter with only a thin t-shirt on—that is, it would look silly to them if they could get past the fact that I'd just finished drinking the blood from the body of a gargantuan bear.

"Ah! That was filling," Edward moaned as he licked his lips when he finally lifted his head. "You did a lovely job, Bella. You are an instinctual huntress," he said with obvious pride.

I looked down, my new version of a blush. "Thanks. I didn't get sick, though, Edward! That was really nice. And I like hunting just with you."

He laughed. "You looked like a panther. I think we're a matched set."

I grinned back at him. "I couldn't agree more. A mountain lion and a panther, Bella and Edward. Bookends. What could be better?"

We disposed of the body so that everything could be as sanitary as possible, and then began the run back to the house. "What do you think Godzilla, aka Alice, will have in store for us this evening?" I asked Edward. We were running through the forest hand in hand this time, and I couldn't manage to be too worried over Alice with this new experience to consider.

"Who knows?" Edward said nonchalantly. "I had no idea that a wedding was this involved, even though I am looking forward to it."

"Oh, Edward, can we please go some place else for our wedding night other than staying here with the others?" I asked longingly. "I love our family, but I'd rather not have them be able to listen to us the way we have to listen to them when they're having their fun times."

"Agreed!" Edward laughed. "Don't worry; I have a plan about that. Just leave it all to me, sweetheart, and you won't have anything to fear."

We ran for a minute more. "What are you thinking about so busily?" Edward pleaded. Any hope he might have had of being able to hear my thoughts after my change had been thoroughly squished, and I knew that it still drove him nuts. "I can see your brain running around in circles. Your brow puckers up when you do that—it's your tell. You could never play poker, my darling."

He was right, of course; I had been thinking hard about something. "I've just been embarrassed to ask you, that's all." I bit my lip.

"I thought we agreed to share everything with one another!" Edward said. His voice sounded slightly hurt whilst still being accusing. "I can promise that I will do my very best not to laugh at you. Never be embarrassed to tell me your thoughts or feelings, Bella." He stopped us both in our steps and turned me around. He held me by my elbows so that he could look at me more fully.

Haltingly, I asked, "Are…are you nervous? I mean, about the whole wedding night. You don't have to worry about killing me anymore, but that doesn't change the normal nervousness. You always seem as cool as a cucumber, when in actuality neither of us really knows what we'll be doing."

Edward raised an eyebrow at me. "Did I have to teach you how to hunt, Bella?"

"No," I said, confused. "What does that have to do with anything?"

He ran his finger down my chin. "My point is, silly Bella, is that hunting is instinctual. I imagine that love-making will be somewhat the same. I'm a little worried, certainly—I know that it will involve you being in some amount of pain, and I dread that. I also am a little worried about making you happy and satisfied. Still, I find that I'm eagerly anticipating it far more than I dread it."

"Oh," I replied, relieved. "I was worried that I wouldn't be enough for you."

He roared with laughter. "Bella, that has got to be a record in absurdity, even for you! Don't be anxious, my love. I'm certain that both of us will be able to fulfill the needs of the other. Now then, we should probably end this talk before we return to the house—otherwise, I'm never going to hear the end of it from Emmett and Jasper."

We got within earshot of the house, and I noticed him wincing. "What is it, Edward? What's wrong?"

He shuddered. "Drat. Alice saw us having this conversation."

"What does that mean?" I asked, confused.

"Oh, Bella!" I heard Alice's tinkling voice calling from the house. "Would you come to my room, please, when you get a moment?" Her voice was far too happy and sing-song. It could mean nothing good…OH!

"Oh, shit," I cursed uncharacteristically. "Please don't tell me that's what I think it is…please, oh, please!"

"Sorry, love," Edward told me grimly. "It appears as if Rosalie and Alice want to give you a sex talk."

Now I was really doomed. I wondered vaguely if there were any more bears that needed taking down. Anything to save me from this fate!


	22. A Series of Fortunate Events

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't need sleep

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't need sleep. Of course, that would mean the end of Sunday afternoon naps, which I have to admit are perfectly delicious…

A/N: My apologies for keeping you guys waiting on this one. I've spoiled you all with daily updates! I'm a piano teacher, and the recital for my students was held yesterday. I was slightly busy! In any case, here's a nice, cheerful little chapter as my formal apology to you all. Oh, and I'm glad you enjoyed that last chapter. I just adore all those screaming, cursing reviews! Hence my wickedness today….keep up the reviews! You guys are all amazing!

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It had to have been my lucky day. How could so many things suddenly be going my way? I wouldn't have been at all surprised to discover that the world had suddenly switched places with Mars or something—only in a parallel universe could my life be going so smoothly!

The first good thing was that Rosalie and Alice, after enjoying themselves a bit too much by embarrassing me shamelessly for a while, were actually quite sympathetic. Maybe it was because I'd decided to head them off at the pass. Edward beat a hasty (and traitorous) retreat once he figured out what Alice and Rosalie wanted with me—he was probably afraid of the male equivalent happening to him with Jasper and Emmett.

After I'd hollered shrilly at Edward's swiftly vanishing back that he was Fletcher Christian's successor, I stomped up the stairs and rudely let myself in to Alice's room without knocking. Alice was perched cross-legged on her bed, while Rosalie was gracefully reclined on a fainting couch at the window. I took a minute to appreciate Alice's impeccable taste, which she'd used to decorate the room that she shared with Jasper. The walls were painted a rich emerald green, the woodwork a soft off-white. Off-white curtains fluttered at the open windows, and there were touches of black beading on the poofy off-white comforter on the enormous bed. I suppose that the bed was there for recreational purposes only, which I didn't wish to explore too fully. A swift glance told me that two enormous French doors led into Alice's private closet, which was no doubt bigger than my whole bedroom back at Charlie's house had been.

As beautiful as the room undoubtedly was, I didn't let it distract me from my purpose. I looked down at them both from my lofty five feet three inches of height, put my hands on my hips, and glared for all that I was worth. "All right, you two; don't give me those beautifully innocent faces. All of us that are present here are in no doubt as to what your agenda for this conversation contains." Alice and Rosalie exchanged quick glances. I could have sworn that I saw Rosalie's lips twitching. "Allow me to say, conclusively and decisively, that I have no desire or wish for you two to fill me in on what's going to be happening on my wedding night. I was married, I'll have you know."

"Yes, but Bella," Alice said, her voice unexpectedly gentle, "I understood that you weren't with Jacob in that way while you were married."

"Don't be angry with us, please, Bella," Rosalie said delicately. "We have your best interests at heart, I swear. We just want to make sure that you aren't taken by surprise at what goes on between you and Edward."

I fought back a smile—it was hard to ignore such longing faces. I knew that they truly were trying to help me, and I appreciated it, but it was hard enough to have any privacy in this house to begin with. I refused to allow them into my sex life as well. "You would be correct in your assumption, Alice," I replied easily. "And I thank you both for your concern and kindness. Really, it truly means a lot to me. I know that you both are just trying to be my sisters, and I love that about you." I felt my heart warm a bit—they really were my big sisters. It was a new experience for me. "But I can assure you both that I've read my fair share of love novels and I've been to the mandatory sex-ed classes at school. I'm not totally ignorant about what's going to happen; I'm just innocent. Whatever happens between Edward and me _only_ concerns Edward and me. If I have any questions, I'll be sure to let you know, all right?"

Alice shrugged. "Fair enough."

I looked at her skeptically—surely she wasn't going to give up _that_ easily.

"She means it, Bella," Rosalie said, getting up and sitting with Alice on the bed. She patted the spot next to her, and I unbent enough from my angered panther stance to come and sit stiffly beside them. "We just don't want you to freak out when the time comes. Neither of us wants to intrude on your privacy any more than we already have to because of what we are. As long as you know that we're here if you have any questions or concerns, we'll let you off easy. _This_ time, anyway." I shivered at the warning in Rosalie's voice—what could they have up their sleeves for me now?

"Now then," chirped Alice as she leapt gracefully off the bed, "we have a few gifts for you. Follow me, if you please, little sister."

Warily, I walked just behind Alice as she danced into the department store that was her closet. Inside the closet's depths, I discovered that Alice had been doing a little shopping for me. Not only had she bought an entirely new wardrobe for my vampire self, but she had also done a little more delicate shopping for my wedding night. As much as it goes against the grain to admit it, I loved everything that she had bought for me. More to the point, I knew that Edward would love it as well. Even more good fortune for danger magnet Bella!

Only two hours later (another good thing—that small amount of time was light compared to Alice and Rosalie's usual Bella primping time) Edward came banging loudly and insistently on the door. "All right, you two sadistic excuses for sisters," he hollered through the door. "Release my fiancée. She's done her time, and you should let her out early for good behavior. I'll give you five seconds to open that door, and then I'm kicking it in."

Rosalie was standing against the wall while Alice was gazing at a watch on her wrist. "Right on time," she muttered. "I love being omniscient; Alice Cullen, the vampire that's practically perfect in every way. Ok, Rose, open the door!"

Rosalie flung up Alice's bedroom door at the command. Edward, his face determined, darted in through the gap as if he were going to pluck me from his sisters' iron grasps and run like hell to escape…only to stop dead when he saw me standing in front of the window.

From the sparkles that danced along the wall, I knew that my skin was sparkling faintly from the weak Alaskan sunshine that came anemically through the window behind me. Foreseeing the fact that her sex talk would come to an abrupt end, Alice had informed Rosalie that now would be the perfect time to show me the error of my fashion ways. With my correction thoroughly in mind, Alice had dressed me in a tight, almost sheer navy blouse that hugged my body in all the right places, and showed more cleavage than I knew I possessed. I was wearing darker wash jeans, and was standing (amazingly balanced) in black boots with dangerous stiletto heels. Rosalie had pinned most of my hair up in an elegant style that beckoned more towards the thirties than modern times, but a few pieces of my brown hair fell down in nonchalant curls that bounced against my face and flirted with my shoulders.

I could feel myself scuffing my toe against the shiny wood floor; it was my new way of blushing since I didn't have blood that could rush up to my cheeks anymore. Alice hissed angrily at me, and I stopped fidgeting immediately and stood up straight with my shoulders firmly back—I'd been warned, make that threatened, by Rosalie to act proud of myself and to not be ashamed of my new heightened, um, sexuality. Her advice must have worked, because Edward walked toward me as if he were hypnotized. I suppose that I had finally dazzled him.

The kiss I got from him was undoubtedly the best part of the whole fortunate day. Which Alice had undoubtedly seen and known all along. She could be one frightening little monster at times…but you couldn't deny that she was very, very good at her job. If meddling and conniving could indeed be classified as a job…

When the kiss had ended, I realized that the grab me and run like hell plan was still in effect, because before I knew it, Edward had scooped me up in his arms and we were racing down the hall. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, if you wrinkle her blouse I'm going to positively _murder_ you!" I heard Alice shriek, her voice swiftly fading as we left the house. I could hear her growling, annoyed, with my vampire hearing.

"Don't worry, Alice," Rosalie consoled, the soft noises telling me that she was patting Alice on the back. Edward must have been going very fast, because I could barely hear them anymore. "If he ruins the shirt, it'll just give you an excuse to buy five more."

The last thing from them that I heard was Alice returning, "That's true! Maybe we should go ahead and go shopping now…we can always claim ignorance if Carlisle complains over the bill, which he never does. It's one of his better character traits." My sister's good humor was restored with ease. Mention shopping, and she was her usual happy pixie self again.

"Um, Edward? Feel like sharing where you're taking me?" I asked him at the world rushed by in a blur, not really concerned about the answer. He could see that we were going to the bottom of the ocean for all I cared. I'd missed him over the past few hours when I'd been held captive by my sisters, delightful though the results had been. My silent heart felt whole again, now that I was back in his arms.

"I can't say that I do feel like sharing at the moment. Suffice it to say, love, that I have a plan. Now be quiet and enjoy the ride." Edward's authoritarian tone of voice, which would have normally annoyed me to now end, was softened by the twinkle in his golden eyes. I found that I didn't mind it all.

"Okay," I replied. "Keep your secrets if they're so important to you. I can be patient. I always find out in the end. You know that, Mr. Cullen."

Edward grinned cheekily at me; I wondered if he knew how adorable he was when he did that. "Oh, I do, almost Mrs. Cullen. That's why I decided not to keep this secret at all." He came to an abrupt stop—I would have been thrown from his arms if he hadn't been holding me so tightly against his chest. "I present to you…your surprise!" He set me down on the ground, walked forward a few paces, and removed a white sheet from something enormous. I wondered how I hadn't noticed it before—it might have had something to do with the tight black sweater that Edward was wearing.

When the sheet was removed, I gasped when I discovered a fabulous sports car, a convertible. The top was done and the paint shone in the sun. As ostentatious as the car was, it seemed to fit my new lifestyle perfectly.

"It's all yours," Edward crowed, but he was still looking nervous as he awaited my reaction. I was too stunned to say anything for a very long minute. Edward gulped and said quickly to fill in the slightly tense silence, "It's a Spider, and she's a real beauty. Do you like it, Bella?"

I felt an unusual grin pulling at my lips. "It's sleek. It's dark blue. It has a working speedometer. And it's all mine? Don't be absurd, Edward. I love it!" I sprang forward and examined the car from top to bottom, sliding my hand over the leather seats and noticing the high end ipod dock, the GPS system, and other gadgets and gizmos that I had no clue what they were. "I'll always miss my old truck," I informed Edward as I tried to keep from jumping for joy, "but it's gone now and I could never replace it. I think I can make room in my life for something new."

"Good." I hadn't realized that Edward was standing right behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled my back against his chest. I leaned into him and kept gazing at the car. "How do I keep Rosalie from stealing it from me, though? You know how drunk she gets over cars," I asked him fuzzily.

Edward nuzzled at my ear, causing my breath to catch. He chuckled and said softly, "Rosalie has her own car. Don't worry; she'll leave yours alone, unless you want her to do some work on it. Don't I always protect you and yours?"

"Mmm…Yes. You do." He was modifying my memory again. Not that I minded.

We stayed outside like that for a long time, eventually ending up in the backseat of the Spider, cuddling, as we watched the sun set and the stars come out. "Only a week until our wedding," Edward told me. I could hear the smile in his voice. "Are you excited, Bella?"

"Very," I told him as I breathed in his wonderful scent. "It feels like we've been waiting for that day for an eternity. I'm glad that the waiting is almost over." I kissed him lightly, before asking with him the same question with the barest hint of teasing in my voice, "Are you excited, Edward?"

"Why do you ask a question to which you already know the answer?" he replied. I laughed at that—he was right. He tightened his grip around me and said with intensity, "Oh, my Bella. I've been waiting for this day since I was seventeen years old. I just didn't know it at the time. As much as I hate all that you've had to give up to be with me, I'm glad to know that you and I will never be parted. I'm glad that we will belong to one another in every sense of the word."

I was silent for a long time. "I think that we should have some rules, Edward."

His eyebrow quirked at this. "Rules? For what?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "For our married life, Edward. I want us to be like Carlisle and Esme—do you think that they've ever had a fight in all their long years together? We've worked too hard to get to this happily ever after to not make it the absolute best happily ever after that we possibly can."

Edward's body shook with laughs, but he was quite solemn when he said, "All right then, madam. I propose a rule."

"You may proceed," I said with an airy wave of my hand.

"We must always go hunting together at least once a month."

"Agreed," I said. "Here's another. We must always be sure and spend at least a little time with our family, no matter how wrapped up we get in one another."

"Fine with me. Try this one on for size: we must never drink the blood of an animal that's recently been eating onions." He shuddered. "Onion breath—gross!"

I snorted. "Wow, I didn't know that you were so picky. Let's be serious, shall we? We must never go off somewhere without telling the other where we are…unless it's for surprise purposes. That doesn't count."

Edward glared at me. "You must allow Rose and Alice to do to you whatever it is they did today whenever they offer. I like it." He wrapped a curl around his finger.

"I'll keep that in mind." An idea occurred to me, and I decided it would be for the best for all involved if I took care of it now in order to avoid future embarrassment. "You must never enter into a bet with Emmett and Jasper that you don't think I'll approve of, especially ones that end with you or me in a potential state of humiliation." We both laughed at that one—it was far too easy to imagine those two betting Edward that he wouldn't dress up like a fairy princess and flit around the yard or something insane like that. I didn't really care to see that side of my husband, so it was easiest to make a rule about it.

Something strange crossed Edward's face, and I knew that this suddenly wasn't a game to him any longer. His face sobered. "You are to do everything that is non-humanly possible to keep yourself safe. You may not be breakable anymore, but that doesn't rule out other vampires. I don't ever want to lose you again, Bella." He shuddered.

"You won't. I promise, Edward. And as for you…you must promise me the same thing. I can't even bear to think about what would do to all of us, if we were to lose you. You, Edward," I poked him in the chest lightly, "you are the heart and soul of this family. You are the meaning of _everything_ me. Please, please…be careful."

Edward nodded. "I swear, Bella. I'll never do anything that would put you in that kind of position. Don't be anxious. You and I…we'll be together no matter what."

"No matter what," I repeated, feeling the conviction of it enter my soul.

What was the last fortunate thing that happened that fortunate day? Oh, well, that's easy enough to answer. I got the promise of an eternity together from my fiancée. It was more to me than a convertible could ever be.

Oh, and I guess I should say that Emmett got a chance to rip something up….that was probably fortunate…


	23. Wedding Jitters

Disclaimer: If I owned it, Alice would have designed my wardrobe

Disclaimer: If I owned it, Alice would have designed my wardrobe. And I also wouldn't be wondering why my disclaimer keep getting uploaded twice.

A/N: Short, but fun. I hope you all enjoy! The conversations in this one were fun to write. However, tomorrow things will probably pick up. Remember the Volturi? Remember the possibility of Bella having a power? STAY TUNED!

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"Damn it, Alice! I refuse to wear this thing, and nobody can make me!" I heard Emmett's indignant roar as Edward and I walked back to the house after our quiet evening together, holding each other's hands. Of course, quiet evening had somehow turned into quiet night, and it was now way past dawn. The passage of time didn't really matter to me anymore, now that I didn't need sleep. Still, sometimes that meant interesting things happened in our absence. Such as Emmett bellowing inside the house like an angry moose.

I glanced over at Edward, and saw that he was biting his lip, trying to restrain his laughter. "What's up?" I asked him in a whisper.

"Hold on," he gasped, obviously attempting to keep anyone from hearing him. "You're about to find out! Oh, man, this is going to be good…I'm going to have ammunition against him for weeks."

"Oh, Emmett," I heard Alice sigh in exasperation; a small noise told me that she was tapping her foot. "What could _possibly_ be wrong with that? It's designer!"

"Yeah, and it's…it's…_girly_!" Emmett blustered.

By this point, Edward and I had reached the house. He reached a finger up to his lips, warning me to be as quiet as possible. I nodded in agreement, and he silently opened up the door and ushered me into the house.

From the point we were standing just inside the back door, we had a nice view into the den but we couldn't be seen. Alice was standing before her gargantuan brother, her hands on her hips and looking unbelievably ferocious, possibly even more than Emmett. Of course, it is, admittedly, hard to look ferocious when one is wearing a tuxedo, complete with tails and a blue ruffled front. On my hardened, grizzly bear of a brother, the rather frilly suit looked absolutely ridiculous. It was as if someone had slammed a circus costume on a wild animal. The pained and disgusted look on Emmett's face said it all. I had to cover my mouth with the hand that Edward wasn't holding in order to hold back the giggles.

"Emmett, that suit was very expensive, and it's absolutely perfect for the wedding!" Alice howled back. "If you don't wear it, then I swear that I'm going to tell Carlisle just which one of his sons was the naughty culprit that replaced his stethoscope with twizzlers!"

"But Alice, that's blackmail," Emmett whined, running his finger along the tight collar of his tux.

"And?" Alice said, shrugging her thin shoulders. "You know that blackmail is a way of life here, Emmett Cullen. You're the one that delights in it them most, come to think of it. Now, are you going to behave and wear that suit quietly?"

"You know what?" Emmett said thoughtfully, "I don't think I will." Flexing his muscles alarmingly, the tuxedo was ripped to shreds and practically exploded off of him, revealing his iron-hard chest and sculpted arms. He looked at Alice with victory in his eyes. "And if you tell Carlisle that I was the one that put twizzlers in his medical bag, then I'll tell Rosalie that you were the one that hid her favorite shoes."

"No! Don't do that!" Alice squeaked, her little hands flying up to her cheeks. She soon recovered herself, though, and started up with scolding him again. "But really, Emmett, did you have to ruin that tuxedo? I can't even return it now!"

He looked down at himself. "I don't mind it so much now—I'll wear it like this, if you'd like. Then you don't have to buy a new suit." Alice groaned. "I'm not going to let you attend that wedding half-naked, Emmett, so you can just forget it."

I couldn't help it—I left off a wolf whistle. "Looking good, Emmie!"

Emmett scowled at Edward and me standing there watching the altercation with obvious enjoyment…that is, he scowled until Rosalie came lazily through the door to see the cause of the argument and she caught sight of her husband in his present practically de-robed state. One of her beautiful eyebrows went up toward her forehead, and she slowly looked her husband up and down. Emmett looked pleased.

Alice rolled her eyes dramatically. "I can see where this is going, and I'd really prefer not to see anymore than I've been forced to. The rest of us might want to leave the room now." She beckoned for Edward and me to follow her out, and as we left, I heard something very heavy land on the couch…it sounded as if the whole sofa were breaking. Of course, those noises could have just been the growls...

Edward looked down at my face, and laughed at the expression I was wearing. "You'd better get used to it," he told me, still chagrined but slightly amused. "It's a sight that the rest of us are forced to deal with on a daily basis. I guess their days of attempting to behave in front of you are over." He sighed. "I really don't think that there's a flat surface in this house that those two have christened."

"Gee, what an amazingly non-comforting thought," I muttered. "Just tell them to stay out of our room." I shuddered.

He kissed my hand. "Don't worry. They've been given firm instructions on that little matter. They won't bother your things."

"They won't," Alice chirped happily, "but I will!"

Edward's face cleared as understanding washed over it. "Oh, I see now. Do I finally get to find out what you've been hiding from me by singing the Winnie-the Pooh theme song in every language known to mankind all freaking day? _Must_ you pick such annoying deflections? Have you no pity for me at all? Not only do I have to put up with Rosalie and Emmett's little fantasies at all hours of the day, but then you add children's show tunes! The musical theory of the piece is sound enough, I suppose, but how repetitive can you get?"

"Pretty darn," she replied, a winning smile lighting up her face. "But you won't complain about such petty things as my mode of dodging your superbly bothersome telepathic skills in a minute. You see, I wasn't able to decorate yours and Bella's room before you arrived here. I took care of it today while you were off showing her the new car and doing whatever else you were doing. All of that gold…yuck." She flapped her hands in a show of tossing off the old. "I simply could not allow Bella keep on living in that seventies retro room, I really couldn't. It goes against all my fashion and color coordinating principles."

Edward sighed. "I suppose you did your worst, didn't you, Alice? Come on, then, show us the damage you've wrecked on our room."

I hadn't said anything—I knew it would be far better for me to keep my mouth shut than to argue with Alice. She always got her way in the end, anyway, so what was the point of a squabble? All arguing with her turned out be was a waste of air that neither of us really needed in the first place. Besides, I was genuinely interested to see all that she'd done anyway. I loved Edward's room and the gold carpet, but one couldn't say that Alice's design sense wasn't impeccable.

My pixie sister tripped over to the door, quivering in excitement. "Are you ready?" she asked, her hand on the doorknob.

I nodded. "Let 'er rip, Alice."

She grinned and flung open the door. I walked around her eagerly, Edward at my side. We both stopped short and gasped at all that Alice had wrought with our bedroom. The walls were painted a silvery gray, with some kind of glaze that gave the paint an opalescent, mother-of-pearl gleam. The iron bed had been replaced with a canopy bed of dark, mahogany wood, that stood proudly next to the window. The canopy was a gauzy white material, and the bed itself was high enough that I would need steps to get up into it—either that or Edward tossing me up there. I couldn't say that I would mind that! The furniture, all mahogany, matched the bed. Touches of pale blue, black, and more white were placed around the room in vases and picture frames. Red roses were in a shiny black vase on the dresser that obviously held all of my new clothes. A single chair was nestled against the wall, but it was big enough for Edward and I to cuddle there together.

There were two pictures sitting on the nightstand. One was of Edward and me on the night of our high school prom; Alice had taken the picture while we were dancing. You could barely even see my cast. The second had been taken just a few days before; Edward and I were laughing as we sat together at his piano. I smiled—both our old and new selves were represented. Edward's arm wrapped around my waist, and I could feel his pleasure with the room as well. I looked at where he was gazing, and laughed delightedly—Alice had kept all of his cds in their proper order. They'd merely been transported to a new set of mahogany bookcases.

"Thank you, Alice," Edward said, his velvet voice even warmer than usual. "You've been unusually considerate in utilizing Bella's and my preferences. This room is absolutely perfect."

"I told you I was amazing!" Alice crowed. "Can you believe that I did all this in just a few hours?"

"No, I can't….no, that's wrong. Yes, I can. Doesn't mean that I'm not blown away by it all," I told Alice quietly as I twirled in the center of the room. "Thanks. This is beautiful."

"Well, don't be so kind yet," Alice said as she hid an evil smile. "I did it partly to butter you up."

"Butter me up for what?" I asked suspiciously.

"Well, I don't know how much you're aware of the traditions surrounding a wedding," Alice said delicately. "You see, there are many things that are traditionally expected of me as your matron-of-honor."

Edward groaned impressively as her intentions were made known to him.

She glared at her brother. "Be quiet, Edward. This is important."

"Cut the crap, Alice," I cut in abruptly, aware of the impatience in my tone. She only waffled this much when it was something she was afraid I was going to freak out. "Just spit it out, please."

Her eyes sparkled dangerously. "Well, Bella…how adverse are you to the idea of a bachelorette party?"


	24. Something Wicked This Way Comes

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Stephenie Meyer's

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Stephenie Meyer's. If I owned this, I wouldn't have to hold my breath when I'm swimming laps. I wouldn't need to breathe at all!

A/N: Okay, so I just got in from swimming and the writing mood struck me like lightning. Good thing it didn't strike while I was actually in the pool—water and electricity don't tend to mix very well. Still, I just know that you're all thrilled with this. You're probably only going to be getting updates every other day now…my apologies. It's just the best I can do. I haven't had a chance to proof read this one very much yet, either, so if you see a grammatical mistake (horror of horrors to an English major!) do please ignore it.

This chapter starts to speed things up again—I hope that you enjoy it! Fasten your seat belts, kids, and hold on to your favorite vampire for dear life! Everyone that reviews gets to claim that favorite vampire for their own, at least until we run out of said vampires. Hurry with your reviews, or you'll end up with Mike Newton. Those who don't review get a visit from the Volturi. Your choice, of course.

LOVE YA!

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After having to put all my skills of debate and compromise on the table, along with having a screaming match or two, Alice finally grudgingly conceded on the point of a wild bachelorette party. I definitely had a career possibility of becoming a negotiator—possibly for the FBI or the United Nations. I was certainly getting enough practice with this family!

Rosalie, Esme, Alice and I ended up kicking out all of our men of the house, and having a little party amongst ourselves that even included a bridal shower for me. We danced for hours on end, watched multiple gushy movies, and we even had "cocktails" of our favorite predators' blood. Somehow, Alice made the whole thing seem normal, not ghoulish or stuffy. With all of Rosalie and Alice's hard work present in my mind, I submitted tamely to their bossy primping, and even Esme seemed to enjoy the pedicure that her daughters gave her.

The highlight of the party for me was definitely opening their shower gifts to me, which included a good amount of extremely naughty underwear along with the traditional houseware gifts of dishes and goblets and expensive furnishings. Everything they gave me was both expensive and attractive, and I loved it all. If I hadn't been a vampire, I would have bawled through the entire thing—when I wasn't blushing over Rosalie's idea of "proper wedding night attire."

When the boys finally rejoined us, even Carlisle looked slightly worn and annoyed. I hadn't known that it was possible for Carlisle to get annoyed, but he obviously did. "C'mon, Eddie! Fess up!" Emmett said, pounding my fiancée so hard on the back that even Edward almost fell over. "Why can't you just admit that you had fun?"

"Fun?" Edward said icily. I stepped quickly to his side, and he automatically wrapped his arm firmly around my shoulders as if I were an anchor in a storm. "Before I address that gross misconception, I fell that I have to point something out to you, my brother of very little brain. By all that is holy, how many times must I tell you that my name is _Edward?_ Not Eddie, not Ed, not even Eduardo! Edward. Secondly, I did have fun tonight…that is, until you announced to that whole bloody bar that I was a virgin about to get married! What possessed you to do that, you half-wit?"

"All right, now," Rosalie said, stepping to Emmett's side and smacking him upside the head a little, "the only one that gets to insult Emmett is me, no matter how justified the insulter is in his actions. Are we clear on that, Mr. Edward Cullen? You'll notice that I used your full name out of respect—see that you do the same." She ruffled Emmett's hair, and Emmett growled at her. Somehow, I didn't think that the growl was angry in the least, more…hungry?

She smiled back at him and continued, "Emmett may not have acted in the best of taste, but if he had an iota of tact in his being, he would not be the lumbering bear that we all love so well. Accept his flaws and cool your heels, please. " She stared Edward down. I admired Rosalie's bravery—the few times that I'd tried to stare Edward down had all ended in me either being dazzled for a few minutes straight or in Edward winning the fight. I'd learned that looking somewhere else other than his face was the most effective tactic when I was having an argument with him.

Edward glowered, but backed off so that he could hug me all the more effectively. I sighed when I was nestled in his arms again—I'd enjoyed the day with my sisters and mother, but the house had seemed empty without him.

However, I was just about to give my almost-husband a kiss when I felt his arms stiffen around me. He whirled around, lifting me up off my feet a little so that I could turn with him, and we both faced Alice.

Alice, her eyes dark, was looking numb and blank. Jasper was grasping her shoulders saying, "Alice? Alice, what are you seeing? Why are you so afraid?" She didn't say anything, still lost in her vision.

I heard Edward's teeth come together in a very audible snap. "Dammit!" he growled. "I hate that girl, I really do. May she be consigned to the darkest circle of hell for her paranoid curiosity and her premature jealousy!"

"What is it?" I asked Edward quietly, a little awed by his blistering anger, but I was still curious at its cause. To my amazement, I also found that I wasn't as frightened as I normally would have been at this unexpected turn of events, but it did really make sense—after all, I wasn't breakable anymore. It was a huge relief to me, to not have to be afraid anymore. I would stand by my family, by Edward, and be added to their strength. I was no longer a weakness. It was undoubtedly one of the proudest moments of my life so far. I fervently hoped that that sensation wasn't shallow on my part, but it was true.

Jasper's worried eyes flicked toward me momentarily, capturing my triumphant gaze in his own stare. He was obviously surprised by the strength of my confidence and, yes, my eagerness. They were only on me for the briefest of seconds before his attention returned to his wife.

"Edward? What is she seeing?" Carlisle's quiet, authoritative voice broke in.

"It's them again. It's the Volturi."

Moving as one, everybody's heads, including mine, snapped toward Alice as she spoke. Despite the intentional evenness of her tone, she was still shivering in Jasper's arms. "I absolutely loathe looking at them—they're abominable in every sense." Alice shuddered, but she was obviously out of the vision now and was back in firm command of her thoughts and senses. "It turns out that Jane and Alec fooled us all. They got held up briefly in Houston over another newborn problem, so they were delayed for a good while longer than they intended to be. Their plan was to return to the house the day after they left, and catch us by surprise. We're very luck that didn't happen," she added, glancing toward me. I understood what she meant without asking for clarification—the added delay was just long enough for me to be changed. Whatever their intentions had originally been, I was safe now.

Emmett laughed, unperturbed. "Is that all, Alice? Seriously?" He scoffed. "I thought it was something really serious. Let the little American Girl wannabe come if she wants to, along with her cabbage patch twin of doom." I held back a snicker through sheer will power alone. "Alec and Jane can't hurt us; they're bound just as much by the rules as we are. We haven't broken any of their laws, and Bella is certainly safe enough now from them."

"I know all that…" Alice said slowly, glancing at Edward.

Edward's face remained impassive, but he gestured for her to continue. I was glad to see that he wasn't hiding things from me any longer, and I smiled brilliantly up at him, thanking him. Edward smiled gently at me in return, but his smile didn't reach his eyes.

Alice's quiet voice broke in on my troubled thoughts. "But the thing is…they're not going to be very happy with us at all when they have found out that we lied to them about Bella in the first place. It could go very badly. Jane's a formidable foe, despite her size. I don't like the odds, even with our superior numbers." I didn't like this at all—she was already thinking in battle terms.

"Should Edward and I just leave then?" I asked calmly. "That way, you can just tell Jane and Alec that he's met and married another vampire. They can't question any of you then, and they'll never know the difference."

"That's a good idea, Bella," Esme complimented me. "Alice? Would that work?"

Alice closed her eyes immediately, consulting the future behind her eyelids. She shook her head grimly after a moment's silence, and her newly opened butterscotch eyes stared into mine. "They won't buy it, even though it truly was a good idea, Bella. Jane's just too suspicious for that plan to work. She'll follow you and Edward if you're not here, and then she'll recognize your scent for sure. It's the same as when you were a human, you know, for all your change. The essence of you has remained."

I glanced up at Edward, who confirmed this information with a nod.

Alice sighed heavily, and finished, "I suppose that the best option is for us all to stay here and try to ride it out. It won't be pretty, I don't think, but I don't believe that anybody will get hurt as long as we all keep our tempers and are impeccably polite to these little unwanted guests."

"Don't worry. I'll see that none of us gets out of hand," Jasper said firmly.

"I agree," Carlisle interjected. "I ask all of you to follow my lead, and try to keep Bella in the background. I have a fair amount of influence among the Volturi still, and I don't believe that they will insult me or my family. They are civilized in their own way, for all of their qualities which we consider to be savage. We can reason with them."

"When will they get here, Edward?" Rosalie asked, speaking for the first time since Alice frozen all of us with her vision.

This time it was Edward's turn to close his eyes, and he was lost within himself. I took his hand into mine, and his fingers tightened around mine immediately. "Something wicked this way comes," he muttered, low enough that even I had to strain to hear the words and I was standing right next to him. "Good old Macbeth had it right." Edward opened his eyes and ground out, "They'll be here in seven minutes. Alice?"

She nodded. "You're right, Edward. They'll come to the back door, the heathens, thinking that will surprise us and catch us off guard. It really _is_ convenient that they don't know of any of our special talents." A thought occurred to her, and she turned around. "Emmett, I don't want to see any futures of your blurting something out like I did when we were in Anchorage, am I clear?"

"You guys are no fun," Emmett complained. "Jane might have a nice little power, but she can only use it on one person at a time. There are _eight_ of us, and only _two_ of them. I think you're all getting your panties in a wad unnecessarily."

"Be that as it may," Esme said loudly, effectively preventing Jasper from shouting out at Emmett furiously over his lack of understanding of strategy, "I expect you all to behave yourselves and only speak when you have a relevant, polite remark. Yes, that means even you, Edward Cullen. Even you, sir, say rather unwise or hasty things every once in a while," she said, glaring at Edward's smug expression. He immediately stifled it, appropriately chastened. She ended her speech, saying, "Am I coming through to all of you children perfectly clearly?"

"Yes, Esme," we all chorused as one unit, recognizing that stern tone of her voice and respecting its possibly deadly implications.

"Good. Then I suggest that we all be employed in some task or another when they arrive. We want the Volturi to remain in the dark over everyone's abilities. If they think that we've had a warning, they'll just become even more suspicious about our family," Carlisle said serenely. "Rosalie, I believe that I noticed that one of Emmett's headlights on his jeep was out. Why don't you two go fix it?" They nodded and obediently melted from the room. "Jasper, I challenge you to a game of checkers in the den. Alice, you can keep score. Esme, perhaps there's some housework you can do in there as well?" All of them nodded, and Jasper moved in a blur to the hall closet to retrieve the checker set. "Edward, I leave what you and Bella do to your own discretion. I didn't think that you would want to be separated."

"Thank you, Carlisle," I said, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly ashamed. "I'm so sorry that I've brought trouble to you all yet again."

A strange look passed over his face—was it surprise or slight anger? "I'm afraid, my dear, that I must correct you. Bella Swan, you haven't brought us trouble. You have brought us nothing but joy and a hope for our future. Don't worry, little daughter. All will be well, and I know that you will make us all proud with your maturity and your quick thinking. I assure you that this is merely an inconvenience, and not at all a problem for any of us."

I looked at him skeptically, unable to believe that it was true as much I wanted it to be, but he nodded resolutely. I found that it was impossible not to believe someone with such a determined face and hope bloomed in my heart.

"Besides all of that, though, we truly love you, Bella. You are Esme's and my new daughter, and Jasper, Rosalie, Alice and Emmett's new sister as well as Edward's chosen bride. We would do anything for you. Never doubt that, please. That is my only request for you." Carlisle came forward and gently kissed my forehead, a fatherly sort of kiss. "They'll be here in a moment. I must join the others." In a rush of a slightly cold wind, he, too, was gone. But my silent heart was already warmed by his kind words and caress. It meant the world to me that he didn't seem to mind me at all.

Edward took my hand in his, and said quietly, "Come. I brought a book home for you that I purchased when I managed to sneak away from that abysmal excuse of a bachelor party. Why don't you and I go look at it on the window seat in the music room?" I nodded in agreement, and he led me through the den. At his nod, I punched in the combination on the lock, and we walked into the room.

Edward sank onto the seat with a sigh and pulled me into his lap. He buried his face in my hair, and I leaned back against him. "Why can't we stay like this forever?" he asked. I didn't like his tone—it was too broken. "Why can't we just enjoy one another's love, without these stupid outside forces cheapening such a happy time?"

"I don't know, Edward," I whispered. "I wish that I could keep you happy and peaceful all the time. I wish that the world would leave us alone."

"Oh, I am happy, Bella," Edward assured me. "As long as I have you, there can be no happier creature on the earth. I just wish that you could have a chance to experience what life truly is without all of this trauma and strife."

I reached back a hand and stroked along his cheekbone. "Don't worry. We'll have that chance. In a few days, these people will be gone, and you and I will be married."

He started to reply, but stiffened. "They're here," he said darkly.

I listened hard, and I could hear a high, childish voice talking to Carlisle. "Alec and I found that we had more unfinished business in America than we'd originally anticipated. Masters Aro and Marcus asked that we come back and visit with you and your lovely family just once more before we returned to Volterra, Master Cullen. I hope that this is not unsatisfactory to you?"

"Oh, no, Jane," Carlisle replied. I could picture the exact welcoming smile that he'd be wearing. "You will find that we, my family and I, are always glad to welcome you back, as you are representatives of my good friend Aro and his respected coven. The pleasure is truly all ours. Won't you please come in?" I considered for a moment the possibility of Carlisle becoming president—he certainly could turn a diplomatic phrase.

"Yes, thank you," a voice said. It was high as well, but it was undoubtedly male. This must be Alec. "Jane and I will be very glad to have a civilized place to sit down and have some quiet talk before our plane leaves for Italy tomorrow morning."

Their footsteps sounded in my ears, and I knew that they had entered the den. "Esme, wife, just look and see who has come to visit us again so soon!" Carlisle announced jubilantly.

"Why, it's Alec and Jane!" Esme said, apparently quietly delighted at the intruders' presence. I shook my head in wonder. This family truly was a marvel. They could all get Academy Awards for their performances at the moment.

"What a surprise!" Esme continued politely. "How truly lovely it is to see you both." From the sounds, I knew that she was shaking their hands and leading them to the sofa. "Please, do come in and sit down. You must have had a very long day." She laughed airily—I'd never noticed before how bird-like her laughter was. My, but you must have come far out of your way to see us again!"

"We did indeed," Jane said, but her voice was slightly impatient. "We wished to make to further our acquaintances with your rather unusual family. But they are not all here, I see. May I enquire where they are?"

"You may," Alice said happily. "Rose and Emmett are out in the garage. Rose! Emmett!" she called softly. "Come and see who's here!"

They were there in an instant. I could hear them quietly greeting Alec and Jane. I was glad to hear that Emmett was making an effort to be discerning—he didn't even try to start a strength contest with Alec.

"Ah, but I think that you other brother is missing as well," Alec said smoothly, diplomatically, after the traditional greetings were over.

"Oh, yes, you mean Edward," Alice chirped, as if she had just been reminded of his existence. "Just wait until you hear! We have such good news about Edward—he has found his true love!" She clapped her hands delightedly. "We are so happy for him and his Bella. The wedding will be held in just a few days' time."

"How delightful for Edward," Jane said, her flat voice saying that she was bored. "And where is he now?"

"I believe that he and Bella are in the music room," Carlisle said. "If you'll just excuse me for a moment, I'll call them. They probably didn't hear you arrive—wrapped up in one another and all that." His quiet knock sounded on the door. "Edward? Bella? Will you come here for a moment, please?"

Edward said evenly, "Coming, Carlisle," before standing up and wrapping his arms around me in a swift embrace. I raised my lips and kissed him quickly. He sighed; we both knew that we couldn't stay like this for long before Jane got even more suspicious. I was the one to break the kiss and lead the way to the door—I turned around and looked deeply into his eyes. _Now or never, my love_, they said. _Let's get this over, and then these people will be off our backs._

He nodded, understanding me perfectly. He opened the door and ushered me through, keeping his hand on my back the whole time.

My eyes moved to the two small figures that were standing up from the couch. They were tiny. They were beautiful. But that wasn't the fact that stayed with me.

It was the ambivalence that was shining in their bright crimson eyes as they glared at me. I found myself wondering just how civilized they really were…and I knew, inexplicably, that we were by no means safe yet.


	25. The Shield

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would have a perfect memory

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would have a perfect memory. Not like now. Sigh.

A/N: My apologies for being a day late with this. I was going through something very like a break-up, for lack of a better term. However, all is well now, and I am back in top form. I will do my best to have a chapter up tomorrow, in order to thank you all for waiting for me to get my act together.

This chapter was enormous fun to write. It contains my theories about Bella's power. Please let me know what you think! Keep up those marvelous reviews!

--BlindingFirefly

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Jane's eyes shone with shoddily-concealed malice—when I looked, I saw that Alec wasn't much better than his twin. "May I inquire as to what is going on here?" Jane asked softly, dangerously, once the stare down period was over between her and Edward. "This new little female of Edward's smells just the like the human we scented on you before in Anchorage, and again when we visited here."

I gulped, and prayed that this wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be.

My prayers were futile.

Jane whirled around and faced Carlisle, who didn't move at all. His face was just as calm and serene as it always was, no matter the situation. I was trembling like an idiot, though. Nobody had to explain to me that Jane was dangerous—I was convinced just by the anger she was holding back, preparing to use with her hideous gift. "You were hiding things from us, Master Cullen." Jane's accusing whisper cut through my panicked thoughts. "This girl has been here all along. She hadn't been a vampire for many days, but you lied to us when we asked about her smell. Surely you realize that my master will not take kindly to being deceived?"

"Jane, my family and I did not wish to consciously deceive you," Carlisle said quietly. "Please do me the courtesy of allowing me to explain. Bella is a newborn, as you can tell by her eye color. Edward met her when she was still a human some years ago when we were living in another place." Jane growled low and long, but Carlisle held up a hand for her to wait. She stopped in a semblance of civility which fooled no one, but she continued to eye all of us warily one by one.

"Through a long series of events and due to many challenges, Edward did not wish to change Bella into a vampire, but that action became necessary when we discovered that Bella was dying from a heart defect," Carlisle explained gravely. "Edward has changed her now, and you can see that no rule has been broken on our part. However, I believe that you wished to know why we were not entirely truthful as to Bella's conversion? You will understand, I'm sure, when I tell you that Bella was gravely ill when you came for your first visit. I was concerned that the sight of strange vampires would be too much for her frail condition, not to mention the anger you would naturally feel at a human being so deeply in on our little charade might cause you to act in a less than beneficial manner." Jane snorted at that, but did not stop Carlisle. "I felt, as the leader of this coven and as Bella's doctor, that it would be for the best for everyone if I removed her from this home until she was changed. That is why you did not see her when we were honored with your earlier visit. The blame in this infraction lies with me and me alone."

"Is that so," Jane breathed. She was far too eager to have a scapegoat to blame in all this, and I shuddered to think that it would be Carlisle. "I'll be sure to tell my master that you said so."

Carlisle nodded, unconcerned.

The nod didn't dispel Jane's anger, though. Her rage spewed forth even more, like a venomous fountain. "Yet the fact remains that this little human knew all about us before her…change. You!" she spat, capturing me in the firestorm of her garnet eyes. I was powerless to look away, powerless to do anything but grip Edward's hand. "Did you tell anyone about us when you were a human? Speak quickly!"

I was breathing hard. I remembered wildly that as a newborn, I wasn't supposed to have many memories of my human life. The thought hadn't occurred to me before now, but I was able to see it easily now. I wondered vaguely why my memories hadn't disappeared with my transformation, but that was a thought for another time. The business at hand was answering Jane and trying not to get killed. "I…I don't remember much. I don't think so," I said uncertainly, trying to appear as if I were desperately trying to call up the memories inside my brain. "I know that I loved Edward too much to ever reveal him or his family to anyone that could do them any harm. Besides," I laughed nervously, "who would have believed me if I started talking about vampires being real and living in the modern world?"

Alec stepped forward to stand beside his sister. "Are you sure about that, little newborn?" he asked mockingly. "Our masters would be extremely displeased if they had to return to this uncivilized country to clean up a mess because you couldn't keep your mouth shut about our world."

"I would be very careful what you say," Jane said cheerfully, her lips twitching.

Edward growled, and I feared what that action would mean for him. He paid no attention to my tugging on his hand, trying to get him to calm down. "Leave my fiancée alone, please, Jane. Threats will not do you any good in this case, because what she says is the complete fact. She hasn't done anything to compromise the vampires' secrets or their world. She's telling you the truth."

"Is she?" breathed Jane. "Are you quite sure? Are you telling me the truth now, Edward? Let's find out." She smiled acidly at my husband.

"No!" Alice screamed, suddenly within the confines of Jasper's arms.

It happened so quickly that I couldn't believe my eyes for a moment, even as horror gripped my heart in icy fingers. Edward was abruptly on the floor, writhing in the grip of some pain that I couldn't fathom and hadn't at all expected. The truth hit me with all the force of a lightning bolt—Jane was using her gift on him! I lurched forward, but Emmett caught me and held me against his muscled chest. I struggled, even as a sound I thought I would never hear, indeed, hoped _never_ to hear, came to my ears. A strangled scream had left Edward's lips—it was more than I could endure. I felt his pain as if it was my own pain, and I couldn't handle it. It was burning my eyes, howling in my ears—how dare she do this to my Edward? I broke Emmett's grasp and darted forward. I had no idea how I was going to end this cruel torture of my love, but I had to try _something_. I couldn't allow her to continue, not when he was hurting. I would rather hurt than have Edward scream now. It hurt worse knowing that he was experiencing this pain in defense of me.

"Stop it now!" I shrieked as loud as I could, holding up a trembling hand in a pleading yet demanding gesture at Jane. _I have to shield Edward, have to stop this!_ My horrified thought had just dashed through my mind even as I felt something huge leave me, something I hadn't ever experienced before.

Something gushed through my veins and left my body far behind in order to hover in the air between Jane and my family. I suddenly felt as if I were looking through a wave of water; Jane's enraged face was undefined, shimmering through the fog of something that was before her face. Her scowl was distorted; her smile was utterly terrifying as it glittered and gleamed ineffectually.

Edward was unearthly still before me, his lips motionless. "Edward!" I cried out, his stillness frightening me even more. Was he dead? Injured? I had to keep protecting him somehow. Whatever I was doing, I supposed that it was working. I kept my hands up, too startled to do anything else.

"Bella!" I heard Esme gasp just behind me, but I barely noticed her voice as joy made its way through my body. Edward had leapt to his feet; he looked totally unhurt to my searching eyes, just surprised. My silent heart unclenched a little at the sight of his face. He wasn't in that awful pain any longer.

"Bella, what in the world are you doing?" he demanded, terrified eyes going to the little bubble of grey mist we were standing within. "What _is_ this?"

"I have no idea!" I quavered. "I don't know what I'm doing! Help me, Edward!"

He dashed over to me in a twinkling of an eye, and lowered my hand forcibly. I felt the whatever-it-was stop thundering through my veins, and the foggy mist was lifted, dissipating in the air. I gazed down at my own hands, intrigued and horrified at the same time at what they had accomplished.

The room was in utter, deafening silence.

"So, Master Carlisle," Jane finally muttered caustically. "It would seem as if your newest little addition to the family has a gift of her own to wield. How terribly interesting this all is, to be sure. I do believe that Master Aro will be most interested in this unexpected development of the Cullen coven."

"I…I didn't know!" I whispered frantically to Carlisle. "I swear I didn't know!"

"We know, Bella," he told me, waving his hand at me to tell me to be quiet and still. "Edward, are you all right?"

"I'm just fine, Carlisle. Don't worry about me," Edward said, even though I could see fear literally seeping from his body now. Was he afraid of me? I shuddered at the thought. Would he turn from me now?

Alice's little voice spoke up, the bells of her voice chiming and ringing with sincerity and wisdom. "Jane, Alec, as you can see with your very own eyes, your gifts are quite empty of threat for us now."

They both glowered dangerously.

"Bella's mind has always been shielded from outside manipulation," Alice informed them. "Edward could not hear her, no matter how hard he tried. It seems now that she can shield herself and others from other gifts."

Esme's voice rang through the room just after Alice stopped speaking. "I would suggest that you leave us now—Aro will not be able to convince any of us to join him in Italy. We are all quite determined to continue on in our quiet lives here. We mean no one any harm."

"Lies!" hissed Jane. "Shameful lies! How could such a large, powerful group resist the pull of authority?"

Jasper smiled ironically. "We don't wish for domination or for power, Jane. After many years of wandering the world as lonely nomads, all of us, without exception, find that peace is much more along our tastes. We just want to be left alone together."

"Jasper's right," Carlisle said. "My family has broken no laws. Bella is a vampire now, and she has not revealed our existence to anyone. You can have no reason to censure us."

Alec put a restraining hand on Jane as she started to smile at Alice. My hands twitched up—I would use this strange power again to protect my sister if need be, as terrified as I was by this new development. Alice would not be hurt if I had anything at all to say about it. "You are quite right, Miss Cullen and family," Alec said patronizingly. "None of you have broken any of the laws of our society. If anything, I suppose that my sister has committed the infraction for using her gift on Edward here without appropriate provocation." Alec nodded toward Edward, who scowled in return. "No doubt we have upset all of you enough. We will leave you now, but you should know that I will be telling my master all that passed here."

"We expect nothing less," Carlisle said, his voice cold. "Please give my regards to my friends Aro, Caius and Marcus. You may tell them to call me if they have any further questions as regarding my family." Carlisle's extreme displeasure at the idea of anyone interfering with his family was heavy in the air.

"We will indeed," Alec said, inclining his head formally. "We thank you for your hospitality." Keeping his hand on Jane's arm, he led her out. I heard them running across the yard, and down the road, swift as ghosts.

None of us moved for a few minutes, until Edward relaxed. He put an arm on my shoulder. "They're gone. They've left for Anchorage to board their plane."

I kept my eyes down as I felt seven other pairs of eyes swing toward me in amazement. I didn't realize that I was shaking harder than I'd ever shaken before—I was making the couch I was standing by tremble from the mere shocks of my convulsions. The world was blurring around me.

"Bella…are you all right?" I heard Jasper ask hesitantly, as if I were a wild animal that might suddenly bolt if approached too quickly.

I couldn't answer him, couldn't do anything coherent. I backed up with tiny steps until I was against the couch and slid down until I'd collapsed in a heap on the floor. It was amazing how cold I felt, how numb, how deathly _tired._ My head slid down onto my arms as I pulled my legs up to my chest and moaned from fear and something like shame. Jasper quietly murmured Edward's name, I imagine warning him to keep his distance from me. I was dangerous to them all now, obviously. We had no idea what I had just unleashed.

The next thing I felt were strong arms as they slipped beneath my legs and around my back as I was lifted from the ground and held firmly against a chest I knew all too well. "No!" I screeched, flailing without effect. "I might hurt you! I don't know what's happening to me, Edward! Go away, please, before something bad happens to you!"

He didn't listen to me, though. Edward's wonderful scent was swirling in eddies all around me, and I resisted the calm that it always brought me, as well as the serenity I felt Jasper trying to pour into me.

"Bella," Edward whispered urgently in my ear, holding me so firmly to his body that I couldn't squirm an inch for a minute, "you're having a panic attack. Calm down, please, love. You might hurt yourself if you keep fighting with me like this. Take deep breaths, Bella. You're safe now, and they're gone."

"No! No!" I wailed struggling with might and main to get free of him and run far away. "I might hurt someone, Edward, don't you see that? I've got to get away…got to run away before that happens…_let me go, Edward!_"

I fought with him, and my newborn strength surfaced along with my panic. I broke Edward's grasp on my legs, and reached for the arm that was keeping me pinned by my back. I barely understood that I was writhing and gasping like a maniac.

"Emmett! Jasper!" Edward bellowed. "Help me with her!"

Arms as thick as tree trunks wrapped themselves around me, and Jasper's hand gripped my shoulder with the strength of a vice. I tried to lift one hand so that I could shield my brother's influence with my own new little talent, but Edward had seen my intentions. He grabbed both of my hands within his own, and I couldn't fight all three of them at once. Heavy waves of lethargy washed over me, thanks to Jasper.

After fighting futilely for a few seconds longer, I gave in to the dizziness and the confusion that boiled within my soul. I lay panting against Edward's chest, too exhausted for further resistance.

"You can let her go, Emmett and Jasper," Alice said softly from behind me. "She's calming down now. I don't see her trying to bolt again, at least not for a few more minutes. We've got to talk this out, or she'll break free of us."

"Bella," Carlisle said soothingly, "please listen to me. I know you're scared. I know you're confused. But you must stop fighting us, Bella. I promise you this: you can't hurt any of us with your gift. You _can _hurt us, however, if you fight with us. When have I ever given you just cause to disbelieve me? I'm telling you the truth now. I can promise that you will hurt Edward even worse by leaving even if you were capable of harming him with your new power."

I shook my head, my eyes tightly closed.

"I mean it, Bella," Carlisle said in a comforting monotone. "Relax, please, and we will discuss this calmly and rationally."

I relaxed a little more as I realized that he was right, but I couldn't stop the dry, heaving sobs that were wracking my body. I'd failed them all, placed them in even worse danger. It was more than I could bear. I hid my face from them, so that I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in their eyes.

"Open your eyes please, Bella." Edward's voice wasn't harsh, but it definitely wasn't a request. I couldn't disobey him when he sounded like that, not when I was hurting this badly because of me. I would do anything to keep him from further pain.

Against my will, I opened my eyes. They were captured within his molten stare. All of the resistance that hadn't been affected by Jasper's influence left my body, and I felt myself go limp. I whimpered a little in my throat, even as my despair lifted just a minute amount at the sight of the love in Edward's eyes. Wasn't he afraid of me? Wouldn't he send me away now?

Moving slowly, cautiously, so as not to frighten me again, Edward sat down on the sofa with me still cradled in his arms and my eyes still held by his. "Are you all right now, Bella? Are you quite rational?" he asked me carefully, watching my face. I could feel him gathering himself beneath me, preparing to tighten his hold if I showed signs of wanting to breaking lose from him again.

"I…I think so," I panted, finally finding my voice again. My words came out in a mighty rush in my need to say them. "I'm sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry. I can't believe that this is happening."

I managed to look at Carlisle. "Are you sure I can't hurt him or any of you?"

"Quite sure," Carlisle smiled. He didn't even look ruffled anymore. "Listen carefully to me, Bella. I think that this is actually a good thing for us."

Something bubbled up from within my chest, and I found that it was an insane sort of laugh. It burst from my throat as I said, "Good? You really think that this is good for us, Carlisle? Ha! Oh, that's funny. I just got singled out by the Volturi as their prime recruit! Congratulation to me!" I cackled hysterically. "What's better is that you think this is a good thing. They'll come for us, Carlisle…they'll separate Edward and me! I can't handle that, Carlisle, I just can't!" I felt the panic building up within me again, wiping away any amusement I might have felt a moment before.

"Bella!" Edward shouted in my ear, shocking me into silence. He shook my shoulders, jolting me from my hysteria. "Bella, you truly are a silly little idiot! You should know that I would never allow that to happen to you. Where is your faith in me, in our family?"

He was right. I gulped hard and nodded, concentrating hard on breathing slowly and evenly through my nose. Jasper helped by sending a powerful wave of calm at me—I was glad that he could feel my gratitude.

Edward's voice was much gentler when he said, "Please, darling, just listen to what Carlisle has to say. He really does have an extremely valid point."

"Sorry again," I muttered. "I'm just really shaken up. I can't think straight."

"We know that, Bella," Alice said kindly. She came and sat down beside me to take my hand into hers. "Would it make you feel better to hear that I don't see anything that remotely looks like you and Edward being separated in your future?"

"Yes," I said, nodding eagerly. I would grasp at any straw. "Thank you, Alice."

"You're welcome," she chirped. "That's what I'm here for."

Carlisle spoke up, his deep voice filling the room. "I suggest that we all just sit down and calm down. We could all use some semblance of normalcy."

He was right—the moment everyone was sitting in their usual places, the world suddenly seemed much more secure to me. I sat up a tiny bit in Edward's arms, and was rewarded for my efforts with a warm kiss on the side of my throat. Despite the tension in the room, I found myself purring just a tiny bit from the sensation. Dare I hope that he wasn't afraid of me, that he did really want to keep me in spite of the new obstacles life had seen fit to throw at me?

"Bella, would you please stop that guilt-and-unworthiness bit you've got going on over there?" Jasper suddenly spoke up, pleadingly.

I turned and gaped open-mouthed at him. "I mean it," he said defensively as my husband glared. He turned his eyes back on me and said, "You're driving me out of my mind with it. Contrary to what you are feeling, I do not believe that Edward, or any of us for that matter, are suddenly frightened out of our minds at your newest ability. In fact, you don't seem to realize that you just saved Edward from a great deal of pain, if not all of us. I doubt she would have stopped with him. I'm feeling extremely grateful to you for your timely actions." He smiled at me kindly. "We still want you here, I promise." I looked away from him, even though I knew he could feel my disbelief of his words.

"Is what Jasper's saying true, Bella?" Edward murmured in my ear. "Did you think I was afraid of you? Did you honestly think for one tiny second that I would leave you because of this?"

I buried my face in my hands—it would be too much to hope for if he truly did still love me. I couldn't bear to hope and then be disappointed. If he didn't want me, I would have gone to the Volturi, but not to join Aro's guard. I would have gone there to die, for a life without Edward was no life at all.

Edward's strong, cold fingers pried my hands away from my face. "Answer me, Bella. Do you think that?"

"Yes, I really do think that," I finally answered, my voice muffled through the lump in my throat. "You were afraid of me, when I was doing it. I saw it in your face."

His arms wrapped themselves around me so hard that I almost couldn't breathe. "Silly Bella," he told me quietly. "I'm not afraid of you—the fear you saw in my eyes meant that I was afraid _for_ you, for what this might mean for you. Now that Carlisle has thought it through, though, I'm happy, actually. You will never have to fear another's gifts. None of us will as long as you are close—you are more thoroughly protected now than I thought you'd ever be." A fierce grin showed along his face, erasing the worry completely. He was deathly serious, though. "Never fear, my Bella. I will never, ever leave you, no matter what the world sees fit to throw at us." His words rang with truth, and when I looked for myself, I saw that his eyes confirmed it.

"Forgive me, Edward," I asked him, ignoring the fact that our entire family was watching us during the intimate moment. "I shouldn't have doubted you. You've never given me a reason to distrust you, and you didn't deserve it. I just wasn't expecting this."

A look of pain crossed his face. "I have given you a reason not to trust me. I left you before when you thought that you were too much trouble. I suppose I deserve it."

Fear leapt within me. "No, Edward! We've talked about this! Please don't start hating yourself again. I've moved on, and you should too." I took his face between my hands. "That time is completely forgotten for me now. This, what we have now…_this_ is what matters."

"Then, as mature adults, we should forgive each other," Edward whispered. "It seems that both of us have underestimated the other today." He leaned forward, asking for permission with his eyes, and I met him halfway in a sweet kiss. It only lasted a moment, but I felt cleansed when it had ended.

"But Carlisle…you and Edward are both acting like this is a good thing," I said, bewildered once I was snuggled again in Edward's embrace. "You'd think it was the end of the world. How can it be good?"

"Because it is, Bella," Carlisle said patiently. "Edward was right a moment ago. You will never be manipulated against your will by another vampire's gift. Didn't you see what happened before? You set up that shield along our entire family. You were entirely unaware of your gift, yet you were strong enough to provide protection for all of us, even against Jane's powerful skill. What can Aro and his minions hope to do against that?" He chuckled. "It's possible that they won't even be able to walk through your shield. It may protect us from more than mere psychic abilities. I believe that we will have to do some testing to find out the finer points of this new skill." He smiled wryly and I sighed heavily, wondering just what the term "testing" meant to my father figure. It probably just meant a lot more work for all of us.

"But the point is that we can't be touched any longer. As long as we live quietly and cause no trouble for the Volturi, I think that Aro will remember that wisdom is the better part of valor and will stay away from here." Carlisle even looked smug at the thought—I imagined that the idea of his entire family's being completely invulnerable to harm appealed to him.

I could see his point now, though. Between us, Edward held the present, Alice the future, Jasper held the emotion of the moment, and I held protection from outside influence. And beside these talents, our family had the normal vampire skills of speed, stealth, intelligence, and memory. There were eight of us, and all eight were strong fighters and cunning enough for any situation. There was no weak element in our family. Who could hope to get past these gifts of ours? Certainly not even Aro and the Volturi could do it, despite their vast power and wealth.

"I'll keep checking on them every once in a while, just to be completely certain that they'll stay away," Alice put in. She was bouncing excitedly on her seat, no doubt just as much at these new revelations as well as the relief of the room's heavy friction of a few moments before. "But I truly think that everything will be fine. Aro will no doubt be tempted and intrigued by the existence of four gifted vampires all in one coven, but he will be cautious in his dealings with us for the same reason." She tapped her chin thoughtfully.

"Alice is right," Jasper put in. "The Volturi's gifts are formidable, assuredly, but from what Carlisle had told me about him, I think that Aro will not wish to pit theirs against ours. It would be a waste in his eyes, especially if people got hurt as a result. No one wishes to cause unnecessary death."

I shuddered at the cruel word as it nonchalantly left Jasper's lips—death—but tried to keep the fear at bay. I had no intention of making a fool of myself yet again in front of my family. I'd done that quite enough for one day.

Emmett laughed—he sounded positively jubilant at these turn of events. "Am I the only that thinks all of this is cool? Carlisle's right, you guys. Nobody can stand against us now! We're all but invincible! Too bad he won't let us pick a fight. Bella would be really useful to have along." He sighed heavily, and I felt the strange urge to pat his arm consolingly.

Rosalie rolled her eyes dramatically in mute protest at her husband's mournful tone, but she didn't seem to think that this comment was deserving of her ever ready head-slap this time.

Still, Emmett's words had loosened up the room until it felt completely normal again. I suddenly felt like myself. I was Bella again, safe in my own skin and in this place with Edward and the rest of them. We were a family, and we were strong again. I wasn't a weak link—to be more precise, I was a rather large asset to the Cullen family now.

I leaned back in Edward's arms and closed my eyes, not to keep back to the panic this time, but to soak up this new feeling of hope and security. I knew that Edward and I had a lot of talking before us, and that I had a lot of new skills to learn.

But none of that mattered. In a few days, I would be married, whether I had a power or not. That was what was truly important to me, and it was important to our family. It was amazing to examine their priorities, and realize that the top place truly did lie with the wedding. Alice had turned the conversation toward her musical choices for the ceremony, and Edward was arguing with her vehemently.

What a strange, wonderful family I had! They obviously thought that my new talent was interesting, and that it would help them in a fight if it ever came to that. But the really significant matter at hand was the debate ranging about the appropriateness of Bach and Mendelssohn, even thought Emmett was trying to get Alice to agree to me walking down the aisle to Rascal Flatts. It was all pure ridiculousness.

Wasn't it?

Maybe I was really the one in the wrong on this one, and not my family at all. I smiled, and joined in heartily on the argument, throwing my opinion toward Mendelssohn because that was what Edward wanted. Jane and Alec and all the rest of them could take a long walk off a short pier in my humble opinion. I was a bride, and we were infamous for our tempers and our abilities to get our own way.


	26. Counting Seconds

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would have a super power of my own

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would have a super power of my own.

A/N: Yes, I know it's been a while since I last updated. I'm sorry—I was hit with a massive case of writer's block. Still, here's a nice, happy chapter to welcome you all back! There'll be another update the day after tomorrow. Enjoy, please, and keep up those fabulous reviews I love so well!

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The days before the wedding had suddenly become the _hours_ before the wedding. In twenty-three hours and seventeen minutes, I would become Mrs. Edward Cullen.

It was amazing.

It was frightening.

It was more than I could comprehend.

The aftermath of the Volturi's visit was actually quite minimal, to my surprise. I now spent at least an hour every day in Carlisle's study, experimenting with my new power and learning to control it. Carlisle was fascinated with this newest manifestation of vampire gifts, and he was nearly tireless in trying to unlock its secrets.

I thought that I was now seeing the side of the man that had made himself all but immune to human blood—Carlisle was stubborn and constant, yes, but he was also unbelievably gentle and considerate. Whenever he thought that I was getting bored or frustrated with myself, he would quickly change up what we were doing in order to give me something new to think about instead of my own inability to control myself, or how frightening this would be if I were alone. Despite my earlier misgivings, I even found myself beginning to enjoy the time I spent with this new father of mine in his quiet, tasteful study. I learned more about his past, and I grew to appreciate Edward's admiration of Carlisle. I'm sure it was no more than Carlisle deserved, and I hoped that Carlisle could see how much I truly respected him.

Even with his high respect for Carlisle, Edward didn't give his father much room to work, though. Whenever Edward felt like my lesson had gone on quite long enough for one day, he would barge into the room, nod quickly at Carlisle, toss me nonchalantly onto his back, and run us into the woods for a little alone time. Carlisle, amazingly, never seemed to mind these rather rude intrusions…I could hear him laughing all the way out of the house. In fact, I was under the impression that Carlisle deliberately kept me late sometimes, just so that he could see the rarely revealed impatient and seventeen-year-old side of his staid and gentlemanly son.

However, the lessons _were_ revealing. After extensive testing, we eventually learned that my shield could block Alice's, Edward's and Jasper's gifts, and was strong enough to keep even Emmett away from me. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard he roared and beat his chest like an outrage gorilla, he just couldn't seem to step through the ethereal, misty shield I projected. Emmett did quite a bit of sulking over his failure, too.

With this in mind, I learned that I could make the grayish shield to varying sizes and densities according to my needs, and with some practice and the appropriate provocation, I was even able to make a bubble large enough to shield my entire family from harm.

I usually needed to be mad or frightened for something of that magnitude to happen, though. Jasper would help with that need by feeding me emotions—he looked only slightly gleeful at having a gift that could trigger mine. It bound us together in an unforeseen way, but I was grateful for it. The two of us, Jasper and Bella—we were the weak links of the strong Cullen family, true, but together we held the key to protection for everyone else. It amused us both to see the indomitable Emmett and the haughty Rosalie cowering behind my shield. Edward would grin whenever this happened, though. Jasper and I certainly weren't fooling him, but he allowed us our smug pleasure. I could tell that my fiancée was every bit as proud of me as I was of myself, so it all worked out beautifully.

None of this kept Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie from training me, though, in what they felt were the more normal skills that every vampire needed to possess. They delighted in showing me thousands of modes of self-defense, and were teaching me to run and jump and climb so that I would be able to fight effectively even if, for some reason, I couldn't use my power.

I was quietly grateful that Edward taught me, too, and was always present whenever one of my other siblings was the teacher for that day. He would stand off to the side, his arms crossed and his eyes mean, and the one time that Rosalie got crabby with me when I was having trouble mastering a maneuver, Edward growled menacingly at her. It caught her short, and she backed off immediately. She was much nicer to me after that when something was slightly difficult. I may have been a vampire, but I couldn't learn everything at once. I had to practice.

Things between Rosalie and I weren't always rosy, for lack of a better term. We certainly hadn't become best friends overnight. Our personalities were just far too different to mean that we always perfectly understood one another's positions or feelings in certain situations. Still, we were able to amicable to one another, and she did make an obvious effort to include me in the family and to make me feel welcome.

I kept those efforts in mind when she grew impatient with me in a lesson, or when she treated me like a silly little girl. Everybody had relapses, and we had an eternity to work on our relationship. I was just glad that she had no more open animosity towards me. I even enjoyed being around her, when I was being held captive in Alice's bathroom when she was messing around with my hair. Rosalie would keep us entertained by recounting some of the boys' better practical jokes, and it would pass the time until I was released to go be with Edward. He was usually sitting outside the bathroom door tapping his foot impatiently for my return. Alice pointed out that he didn't complain once he got a look at what Alice had done with me, though!

Alice, of course, was kept busy with the finishing touches of the wedding ceremony, so that meant that I wasn't held captive in her bathroom too often. I wasn't allowed to help very much at all—Esme and Alice were in a constant state of movement and giddiness, and I think they wanted everything to be a surprise for Edward and me.

I did overhear Edward begging Alice to change her system of deflecting him one morning, though. He said that he was tired of hearing all the different meanings for flowers, and something else would probably be much more educational and intellectually entertaining for someone of his gender and intelligence level. She promised to try something else.

Later in the day, when I found Edward scowling, I asked him what was wrong. "Alice is singing the theme to 'All in the Family' in every language known to man in order to keep me from knowing what the wedding decorations are going to look like," was his irritated reply. "It's driving me, nearly literally, out of my mind. I always loathed that show, anyway, and she's insisting on singing it _off-key_, too."

I had a quiet talk with Alice that night, and she promised to switch what she was thinking about every half hour. Edward looked a lot less frustrated after that.

The morning of the day before the wedding, Edward and I were routed from our bed by a bouncing Alice who cheerfully burst into the room despite the fact that Edward had locked our bedroom door when we'd entered the room the night before. We didn't sleep, of course, but we could still cuddle, and Edward and I held onto the nighttime hours jealously. Hence the lock that didn't really work, but it at least showed that we wanted to be alone. Not that Alice paid it any mind. Privacy obviously didn't have the same meaning to her as it did to everyone else on the planet.

"Alice, _must_ you insist upon picking every lock I put on the door?" Edward growled impressively as he threw a pillow at his sister.

"Yup," she chirped cheerfully as she easily dodged the projectile. "Rosalie and I need Bella this morning, and you're going into town with Emmett and Jasper for the final suit fitting. Come on, you two! You can't be all lazy and lie around in bed when you're getting married in just a few hours!"

"We can't?" I grumbled, sticking my head under the pillow. "Just watch us."

Before I knew what was happening, all of the sheets on the bed had been pulled out from under me, and I was lying in a heap on the floor. Alice laughed her trilling laugh when she got a look at the bewildered expression on my face. "I mean it, Bella! Let's get going. I promise that you'll like what I have in store for you this morning."

Edward rolled his eyes at his pixie sister, and came around to help me to my feet. "I guess we'd better do as she says, love," he said privately in my ear while Alice pretended to be fascinated with my closet. "She's not going to leave us alone tonight at all unless we cooperate now."

"Oh, all right! Fine!" I groaned, throwing my hands up into the air in exasperation. "I'll be good. However, I do have a condition for my good behavior now." Edward waited. "After we get married, I demand at least a week of being completely alone with you, Edward. Nothing but cuddling and talking and doing absolutely nothing other than what _we_ want to do."

"A week?" Edward replied, his eyes twinkling with mirth. "I was thinking a month at the very least, Bella. You have to think big in this family."

I winked, playfully smacked his backside, and walked towards my closet. Alice looked as if she were just about to pick out my clothes for me, but I glared my own impressive glare, and she backed off. "I'll wait for you downstairs, Bella. Don't take too long! We're on a tight schedule today."

"All right, Alice," I said, my good humor restored by the exchange with Edward. "I'll be there in a minute."

Humming under my breath, I was soon dressed in dark jeans, brown suede boots and an ivory sweater. I pulled my hair back into a low, slightly messy bun, and added a long black beaded necklace. I stepped out and twirled like a model for Edward. "Think I'll pass for whatever Alice has up her sleeve for me?" I asked him.

He turned around, grinning a slightly feral grin. "You look good enough to eat."

"Mike Newton thinks so," I agreed. "You look pretty swanky yourself." And he did. Edward was wearing a red button-down shirt with the top two buttons opened and the sleeves rolled up. He had paired it with jeans and black pumas. Tomorrow seemed so far away…too far away.

"Let's go to Vegas and get married right this second," I said quickly.

"Oh, _HELL_, no," I heard Alice screech from downstairs. "Isabella Marie Swan, you get your butt down here right this second! Move it, and I don't mean maybe!"

"Drat," I muttered, wrapping my arms around Edward's waist. "Busted."

"It's all right, Bella," he murmured in my ear as he gathered me close. "It won't be long now. But you'd better go…she's seriously contemplating the consequences if you don't appear in five seconds."

"Yikes!" I squealed, quickly kissing him and racing out the door at vampire speed. I appeared contritely in front of Alice a few seconds later. "Hi, Alice! What are we doing today?"

She was looking at her watch. "Not bad, Bella," she commented airily. "You had two seconds to spare."

"I learn from the best," I agreed.

"Anyway, now that you've decided to be a big girl and acknowledge the fact that I've worked very hard at getting this wedding together," she glared at me significantly, and I felt appropriately ashamed of myself, "Rosalie, Esme and I have decided that it's finally time to do the most important job of all." Her tawny eyes sparkled like gemstones. "Today, Bella, you get to pick out your wedding dress."

"Oh, Alice! Really?" I squealed, barely restraining myself from jumping up and down. "I thought you would pick it out for me!"

"Well, technically, I have," Alice mused. "You'll see in a minute. Follow me."

I followed, feeling somewhat like a duckling waddling after its mother. This whole image was made funnier by the fact that I was several inches taller than my four feet, ten inch sister.

Alice led me around to the back yard, where I was stunned to see what looked like a small house set up. "Alice? What is this?" I asked, bewildered.

"Well, you couldn't go to the bridal shop, so we brought the bridal shop to you!" Alice sang. "So you see, Bella, I have picked out your wedding dress. You just get to pick which one of the many wedding dresses it is to be!"

"Alice," I said, narrowing my eyes, "you've already seen which dress I pick anyway. Why go through all the mess of picking one out if you can save the time?"

"You still have a lot to learn about being a vampire, Bella," Alice replied with a roll of her eyes. "When you can do everything super fast, it just makes the time go by more slowly. We have an eternity on this earth. Sometimes, to appreciate something to the fullest, you have to do it in the right order and the right time. That's why Edward polishes his cars in human speed, you know. Where would the fun, the pleasure be, if the job was over in ten seconds? Then he would have the whole twenty-three hours and fifty minutes of the day to fill, and the best thing was already gone."

"So, what you're saying is that it's more meaningful if I do this right?"

"By George, I think she's got it!" Rosalie said with a laugh as she joined us. "Come on, let's get going. I'm picking out my next wedding dress at the same time, Bella. Emmett and I are getting married again in the spring."

"Um, congratulations, Rosalie!" I said, unsure of what the proper felicitations were regarding a fifteenth wedding, or whatever the wedding was for those two. "That's really exciting. I'm glad to hear the news…it'll be nice to watch Alice plan a wedding that isn't my own."

"It just means that you get to help me with all the preparations, Bella," Alice said with a wicked grin. "It'll be payback time then!"

"Crap," I whimpered, but I skipped over to the door of the little house anyway.

The next few hours were marvelous, but exhausting. It turned out that there was a multitude of undergarments necessary for a wedding dress. It was a repeat of the prom Alice and Edward had made me attend, only several times worse. There was the return of a corset, not to mention petticoats and slips and some other things that I didn't know the names of. I tried on dress after dress after dress. I looked beautiful in them all of course, thanks to my new body. They all fit me perfectly, of course, thanks to Alice's mad measuring skills. Still, nothing seemed to say "Bella." They were all lovely, but none of them was right.

Rosalie had better luck than I did, though. She chose the fourth gown she tried on, and she looked ridiculously beautiful, of course. It was a tight, mermaid style gown of crisp, clinging ivory silk that fell to the floor. It was strapless, and the folds of the dress hugged her body like a fond dream.

"Hmm..." she said, gazing at herself critically in the mirror. "It'll do."

Alice and I exchanged a _look_ behind Rosalie's back. We knew that Rosalie was pleased with herself. She certainly wasn't fooling anyone.

Finally, _finally_, the thirtieth dress I put on was magical. I knew the instant it fell over my head and settled smoothly on my shoulders that it was perfect. The dress was a replica of the dresses I'd seen in the illustrations for "Anne of Green Gables," which just happened to be the time period that Edward had been living in. My wedding dress was old-fashioned, yes, but it was also simple, elegant, and completely me. I knew that Edward would love this dress.

"Oh, Alice…this is it," I murmured.

"Yes," said Alice as she walked around me, her eyes missing nothing. "I rather think that it is. It seems that my usual good taste has struck again."

I lightly smacked her shoulder. "You knew all along that this was the dress, Alice! Why did you make me try on thirty? Five or six, yes, that's all well and good for the meaning's sake. But _thirty_?"

"Oh, hush," Alice said with a huff. "I've been wrong before in my vision. You seem to delight in making me doubt myself. It's entirely possible that you could have liked another dress better than this one."

"Or," Rosalie said shrewdly as she admired her reflection in the mirror, "you could have just wanted to make Bella play dress-up, Alice."

"Moving right along!" Alice said loudly. "The point is, you've found your dress, Bella. Thank heavens it only needs a few alterations." I looked at the dress skeptically—it looked perfect to me. "Those will be done tonight and it'll be pressed and ready tomorrow morning."

I turned around and gathered Alice into my arms. "Thank you, Alice. I know I've complained and given you a hard time, but I know that everything is going to be beautiful. I can't imagine there being a better wedding planner alive than you."

"Well, there's only one thing wrong with that," she chirped.

"What?"

"I'm not really alive," Alice said mischievously, "but I appreciate the sentiment all the same, Bella." She hugged me back. "Now then," she said with the unmistakable aura of a general preparing for battle, "the boys will be back in thirty-one minutes. You and Edward can have some time to yourselves as long as you're back here by ten o'clock tonight for the rehearsal. Then you'll be confined to your room _with the shades drawn_ so that I can get the backyard decorated. Rosalie and I will be at your door at eight o'clock in the morning to escort you to my room to get started on our hair and make-up. Esme will join us once she has her jobs done. Is everything clear?"

Rosalie and I looked at each other, and then faced Alice. With perfect timing and synchronization, we saluted our general/dictator crisply.

Alice glowered at us. "No respect for hard work and authority…" she grumbled.

Rosalie laughed. "Calm down, Alice. Everything will go perfectly, and you know that better than anybody. Now let's get Bella back to normal so that she can stop fidgeting and go look for Edward."

"Yes!" I squeaked. "Let's do that."

Soon enough, I was back into my jeans and sitting on the front porch as I waited for Edward to arrive. My mind was full of the sight of my wedding dress, and I was glad that he couldn't read my mind. After all, the groom isn't supposed to see the bride before the wedding day!


	27. The Winter is Past

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Wish I did. I'd love to be able to learn Spanish at one glance. Grr.

A/N: And here, my friends, is the final chapter of _Nightfall._ I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Personally, I'm absurdly glad that I actually finished it!  I learned a lot through this story—mostly about my style, but I remain thrilled beyond all rationality that I pegged Bella's power before _Breaking Dawn_ came out. Please review and send me some love!

If you enjoyed this story, please look for my next story, _Ivy Tree_. I'm writing it with my absolutely brilliant-beyond-all-belief sister, hopeisabluebird. I'm posting the preface and first chapter this evening. _Ivy Tree_ is pretty much the culmination of every epiphany hopeisabluebird and I have ever had about the Twilight universe. I shamefully admit that I think it to be brilliant. Anyway, we would appreciate readers, especially the kind that reviews!

Thank you for your support. I love you all.

Blessings from BlindingFirefly!

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The rest of the day passed in a haze of details and sensations. The details were from the meticulous wedding rehearsal that Alice put us all through. Even though my sense of balance was vastly improved, she still seemed to think that I was going to trip down the aisle. At one point, Alice roped Emmett and Jasper into throwing marbles at my feet as I walked toward the altar, just to make sure that nothing could possibly go wrong with my feet. If I could navigate an aisle littered with glass marbles, I could surely manage to replicate the feat when I was only nervous from the normal bride jitters.

Strangely enough, I didn't have bride jitters. I examined my stomach and didn't find any butterflies. I didn't even find an amoeba. Everything was perfectly calm down there. I wasn't scared or afraid or secretly planning on shielding Alice long enough to give Edward and me a fighting chance of escaping her monstrous ceremony.

When I searched back through my memories to my first wedding, I realized how different my emotions were when I was marrying Jacob. Part of that had to do with age, of course. I was older now, and hopefully wiser. I had a far better grasp of what marriage meant than I had as a teenager.

But it was more than that. I realized now how numb I truly was at my wedding to Jacob. I had shut down so much of myself, just to preserve what little sanity I had left. I hadn't known anything of my heart defect at the time, but I did know that my heart was gone. Even though Jacob had helped me to heal enough to function, I was still only a fragile shell of what I'd been with Edward.

The fullness of the life I lived now threw my life with Jacob into the shadows. It was if my life in Forks had been filmed in sepia tone, but the moment Edward found me again, we'd entered the Land of Oz and discovered that the world was full of a new kind of beauty: color. I still looked around at me at this new home in Alaska with my _family_, and my eyes were stunned by what they saw. Now that I knew of the glory that the world held for me, I could never go back to the bland tans of my old life.

I missed Charlie and Renee with a dull ache, and I thought fondly of Jake and Billy, but this was right. My heart was healed, and I was going to wed the person that would hold my life in his hands for all eternity. He had proven himself worthy of my heart, and I gave it without a qualm.

"Bella? What are you thinking about?" I turned and saw Edward climbing out of our bedroom window to join me on my perch on the edge of the roof.

I smiled at him, stunned by the colors that he brought with him. "Oh…lots of things and nothing at all. I imagine you would be glad you can't hear my mind right now. You would be bored."

"I highly doubt that," he said with a crooked smile as he balanced perfectly on the gutter and walked like a tight rope walker toward me. "Even your smallest thought seems unexpected and full of things that no one else on earth has ever thought before. You could never be boring to me." He sat down beside me, and I leaned my head on his shoulder. "Seriously, love, what were you thinking about?"

"Mostly about the wedding, about how different things are this time around. How _whole_ I feel, and how I'm not afraid at all." I moved my head enough so that I could see his eyes. "Are you nervous? You've never done this before, after all."

He laughed softly. "I'm as far on the other side of nervous as I can possibly be. I imagine that no one on Earth has ever been as happy as I am at this very moment, Bella. You are going to be my wife in a few short hours—you'll be my companion for all eternity. I'm so overjoyed that I could run around the world and never slow down…and my thrill at the speed wouldn't match the euphoria I feel at just _imagining _you walking towards me, vowing to be mine."

The image he described made me laugh out loud. "If your imagination alone is that exciting, what are you going to do when it's reality?"

"I have no idea," he said fervently, "but I can't wait to find out." We sat in silence for a little while longer before Edward spoke again. "So you really do feel whole now, then? You've seemed happy, but sometimes I wonder…"

"Stop wondering," I said shortly. I'd discovered that the best way to railroad an epic Edward panic attack was to stop it in its tracks before he really got rolling with the angst and drama. If he got away from you, you were in for at least an hour of talking softly and nonstop reassurances until you were about ready to smack him simply for being an emotional ignoramus. Trust me—I knew this from bitter experience. "I'm only going to say this once more, Edward Cullen, because repeating it would be allowing you to think that the opposite is plausible." I took his face firmly in my hands and gazed so deeply into his golden eyes that I was surprised that I couldn't see his stomach. "You've made me whole, Edward."

He started to open his mouth to say something, but I shook my head. "Let me finish." He nodded and waited for me to continue.

"Edward, you don't realize what you are to me. I was lost for so long…I tried everything to fix myself. I'd promised you that I would live, but I wasn't living. I just…existed. I used Jake and my dad and school and a fake life to try and fill the hole in my chest, but they were just like pieces of cardboard that would fall out whenever I moved too quickly. None of it was really mine. Jake was Dani's, even then, and Billy belonged to the tribe and the house was Billy and Jake's, and my dad had his own life. The only thing in this world that is really and truly mine and mine alone is your love." I took my right hand from his face and placed it on his chest, over his heart. "This right here plugged the hole in my chest, Edward. You made me whole again. Not Jake, not Alice, not becoming a vampire, but _you_. You always thought that making me one of you would be taking away my life, but it wasn't. You gave me my life instead. I was living the half-life then. This forever here with you…this _is_ my life, whatever a life might be. I love you. I'm never going to reassure you of this decision to marry you again, because the idea of me not marrying you is so stupid that it could possibly win a record in the Guinness Book of World Records under the stupidity category."

Edward sighed, and the little line over his eyes disappeared. "I believe you." Such simple words, but he said them with such awe that I had no choice but to believe him.

I smiled at him, and said, "Besides, if you hadn't come back, I might be dead by now anyway. Heart defect, remember? My heart was always meant for you. It was like my body knew all along that the only way we could be together was for me to be flawed."

"My heart was just as flawed as yours, Bella, only mine was in emotion while yours was in tissue," Edward said, bringing my head back to his shoulder. "Your heart was the representation of my life without you: constant pain and the inability to take a real breath. We two flawed individuals…together we were made whole."

"Like puzzle pieces!" I snickered. I kindly refrained from mentioning the sexual innuendo that immediately popped into my head—Edward probably wouldn't appreciate it in his current introspective frame of mind.

We sat on the roof for hours longer, not saying anything, just enjoying being with one another. The stars had never seemed so bright, not that they weren't absolutely fascinating with this new sight, anyway. I could actually see each star for what it was, as if I were gazing through a telescope. I amused myself by looking at the vague outline of the lunar module that had been left behind on the moon by the astronauts in 1969.

Dawn was breaking over the horizon when Edward pulled me to my feet so that I could stand beside him. I was entranced by the individual colors of the rays of light that poured through the trees and danced across the snow. The world suddenly seemed to be full of magic, not the least of which was the matching sparkling skin on the hands that were clasped as Edward and I stood together. He smiled and glanced over at me, continually captivated by my changed visage.

"Weird, huh?" I commented dryly, knowing he would argue.

"Weird? No! That's not the word I'd use," he said as he leaned down to press his lips against my forehead. "I think I'd use _new_. This is a new beginning for us, Bella. We're free now. We're free from the demands of humanity, of the Volturi and of our doubts. Only a real life awaits us now."

Edward looked directly into the sun and quoted softly under his breath with a voice of velvet and joy, "'For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come.'"

Smiling, I pressed my lips against his and led him inside to get ready for the wedding that would be taking place in just a few hours. Behind us, the sun gleamed with light and ice crystals and a bluebird chirped hopefully in a pine tree.

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A/N: YES, I'm really ending it there. It felt right—we'll leave Edward and Bella to their new future. Please review and you'll receive one vial of vampire venom to use on whatever you want. Please, for my sake, don't use it on an animal that's super hyper or on a total ditz. Think long and hard on what you'd like to have around for…well…long and hard.


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